| What the hell is going on in my life |
[06 Aug 2008|12:41am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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So my life is a huge mess and things are moving so quickly that I do not know if I can stop them. At the end of August I will have no home, so I am looking at an apartment. The problem is that I found an awesome one that is affordable. I know that that doesn't sound like a problem, but it is because I do not want one that is more than I need. I want a cheap room in an apartment/house that is less than affordable and is small. But Safe and Quiet.
I really don’t even want a house/room. I just want something so small that it doesn’t even matter.
Like a van or storage house. I just have no time, no knowledge on how to make any of that work. And part of that last statement is illegal. And none of this is possible right now. If I would've spent the last 2 months figuring this out instead of looking to move to Columbus, then that would have worked.
But none of this can be changed by looking at that past.
I told one of my friends that I need something drastic to change otherwise all I'm going to do is make small "progresses" in a "reality" that I cannot have "real progress" in.
Basically I want to change my life. and I do not know how to because this life is all that I've known. It is all that I have been shown by my culture and steered to by my upbringing.
I want to have nothing at all except for necessities.
*get rid of all my stuff
I don’t want to have to worry about working all the time that I miss out on life
*spend less
*cheaper housing
*don't drive
*get a better paying job (yeah right)
*take a day off, set it aside
Be healthier
*don’t be lazy
*watch no tv
*spend more time outside
*make all my food
*shop for food locally...limiting amounts
I want to be awake and take time to meditate, and I actually want to start going to a Buddhist guide to help me because I have not found the means to calm my mind down or to focus it.
*Every week go to temple
*make an area to meditate
I think this is the jist of it all. I have to keep a focused mind on these goals otherwise what I told my friend will come true. Any "progress" I make will be in a "reality" that I just sleepwalk through and just continue to march mindlessly in. This 'reality' that I am in right now, just is not what I think is true about life. I think that I am meant to actually know and notice what I am doing instead of being on auto pilot. If I am on auto pilot I have to ask myself who set this auto pilot standard, and the answer shows me that it is not set by me, but by the cultural norm. I shutter to think that this is how I have been living my life because I know I do not agree with the standards set by this culture.
It is so hard to change everything, especially when you do not have the support of some people who are close to you. It is going to take a lot of practice and I do not think I can do it alone. But if I must, I must.
*print this out
*hang it up
*read it everyday
*make a new update every week or so
I can do this if I truly wish to.
I do so now I must.
Do it.
One step at a time, you can do it.
Breathe.
Step...
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| Life update |
[25 Mar 2008|10:50pm] |
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Well, I guess I really haven't upddated what my life has been like. I think the reason I do this is because I like to remember how things have progressed or degressed over time. Lately I have been thinking about becoming a Buddhist monk/nun.... or doing P.R. work for animal wildlife groups. I just talked to a woman who worked for a foul conservation group, and she talked about how we all have different strengths that makes things fall into place. For evample, without artists to display photos of the animals, people could not see what they are working for. I am really hopeful in finding a career like that. Other than that, I have also recently gone to a Druid celebration of spring, played dnd, got a cat, trying to find a home for my cat, started connecting with nature, planning on going to see the Dalai Lama in April, and just having mood swings from enjoying life to being confused about it. Atleast I know that taking this year off after school ended was a good decision. I now know more about me, even though I am confused. But I think I will always be confused, just less and less about old stuff and more and more about new stuff. Oh well, as long as I have nature, I am fine, and I am able to spend some time fixing myself in it. :)
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| Real Housewives |
[25 Mar 2008|10:13pm] |
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So, I don't really like venting about stuff, but I cannot stand the show "Real Housewives" with the rich New York bitches. The worst thing is that the commercials state that people want to be them. Oh but it gets even worse. My roomate even agrees that she too wouldn't mind being that rich. I asked her:
"Wouldn't you feel guilty about being that privilaged?"
"No, I mena, they make their own money unlike the Orange county housewives."
"No , what I meant was wouldn't you feel bad that you would have so much while others have nothing?"
"You could still do good things with all that."
...
I do not, and I mean, DO NOT understand how people aspire to live these lives filled with money and material items, yes folks, they are JUST ITEMS. These THINGS do not help others...they usually bring harm to others. Sweat shops, unfair wages, the destruction of natural resources. They create greed, envy, hate, and selfishness. When did helping others become unimportant?
I just wish people could see how this artificial way of life is horrid.
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| Life update |
[18 Oct 2007|01:24am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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"Never too late," 3 days grace |
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So today was a great day, at the begining.
Two days ago, two girls decided that today would be girls night out for us because we all work together. Great idea! But one girl canceled, still it was going to be fun. All 3 of us drank one before us two went out. We closed down shop, and Crystal and I headed out. We drank, and we talked about life and how we didn't know if our coworker was gay, how I was surprised my parents don't think I'm gay (I'm not, but I could see how some would think so), how I dislike my dad, how I'm like Crystal's friend and Crystal. It was all good. We ate some pizza, ran into her man, my boss, she dropped me off at the print studio, and that was a night. Great night. And the night still remained good too. I stopped in at the jewlery studio, saw a co-worker, saw a friend, chatted it up with peeps. Then I went back to the printmaking studio. This is where things got complicated.
My friend Amy, her old roomate Ashley, and friends, Jason, Joanna, Nicole, and Anthony were there. I mentioned how I was drunk and going to crash in the Verder Lounge, my old dorm room lounge. I asked her what she thought about it. She told me a bit harshly that I am no longer a college student and need to get over it. True, I am no longer a student, but I am DRUNK and NOT going to drive!!! So, I thought it was a good solution. I got upset at her, and said "Well, I'm not a college student, but I can still be a bum. " I left.
I walk to Verder, going to crash, but I ran into a co-worker, and I got teary-eyed. I told him what happened, and he said it was harsh. I mean I know it's not a big deal, but, I JUST graduated and had to leave my home of 3 years. If I do get a bit tipsy, I know tht the most responsible thing to do is sleep in my old dorm lounge. If I slept in my car, I could get ticketed for being in possession of a vehicle while under the influence. It was too late to call a friend. So, I ended up leaving my dorm, crying all the way to my car, and sat next to my car crying for 10 minutes or so. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere. Not in college, not at my apartment, not in my state.... no where.
So, unlike me, I texted a friend of mine to go out drinking with me because I needed a friend. He turned me down, which made me feel even more alone, but I think he picked up that I needed someone, so he texted me a bit more to make sure I was still alright. I ended resting in my car for about an hour, drove home, and cried some more.
It is a horrible feeling to not seem to fit in anywhere. I know i'm not alone though. I just wish, I could find my place.
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| Still confused about a lot |
[04 Oct 2007|03:09pm] |
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I am getting better at not being so confused. Still, I do not know want I want out of life. Currently, my only goal is to clean my room and figure out what I am doing with my life. I know I want to do animation and comic book illustration. The rest though, I do not know.
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| Something wrong...???... |
[27 Sep 2007|10:46pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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sting- desert rose...It's in my head |
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I really do not know if there is something wrong with my mentality. There are many points to consider here.
I like guys but have no/little interest in dating them
I feel like the only place I fit in is comic book worlds
I'm a girl who wants a mustache
I want to drive away on the road off to nowhere. I wonder where it would go ???
When I am home sick, I sleep in my car in my apt.'s parking lot.
I think guys who are slim and in mid 30's/ early 40's are damn sexy.
I hate my dad, wish sometimes he would die, and yet forgive him for all the crap he's put me through
I think drag queen guys are hot...ex: Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Being homeless and living in my car is my current life goal.
I want to travel but not leave what I have here at home.
I really don't know if there is something wrong with me.
What really strikes me as my current problems are travel and sexuality.
Odd...
BTW, I also really, really, really want a tattoo!
It'd be of The Tick.
Oh well....
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| Thoughts on Life |
[20 Sep 2007|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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I don't think I will ever fit in to life.
Everythings changes.
Nothing is perfect
Nothing is supposed to be anything.
Everything is wonderful if you just see it.
Don't settle for pleasant when things can be better like silly, sexy, dangerous.
Nothing lasts forever.
You are beautiful.
Just my random helpful tips I need to remember for life.
Get busy living or get busy dying
Every silver lining has it's cloud
If you keep doing what you've been doing, you keep getting what you've been getting. So what would you do differently?
Act like a champ today
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| Donating me /:{ |
[19 Sep 2007|09:03am] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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I just called the clinic about finding info about donating eggs. I was freaking nervous for no reason. I want to do it and I see no problems with the concept, but to call in and tell some one that you don't know that you want to donate your eggs is just weird. I'm glad I got and answering machine because I'm definitely not comfortable with talking about it. But hey, I'll put up with any discomfort because it'll end up helping someone and will help me financially later too. I hope if I do it, the people who get'em are cool and open-minded.
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| Crazy Dream |
[18 Sep 2007|10:28am] |
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mood |
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confused |
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So last night I had a crazy dream where I was in some sort of factory where everything was fun. It was almost like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, but I don't know what was really in it. Anywho, I was allowed in to see everything in it, but getting in was really hard. There were all these levers and hard to operate mechanics that had to be worked properly so you could enter. This I was glad I remembered because later it was really important.
So, okay, I got in and was looking at everything. I ended up doing something and everyone who was in the factory started to become zombie and try to kill me. I realized this I had to rush quickly to avoid them and get through the exit. The huge door closed behind me, and I thought I was safe. i run into a tall man, and then I turned into a short young boy. This man was my future self who told me that the zombie were going to get out, so I couldn't just stand there. So him and I start running away from the building by running along side of it. Zombie were all over then. They were swarming too.
Him and I didn't know what to do, but another future me was all of the sudden there. He was orange and yellowed skinned, and he had green hair. How he looked reminds me of the people from the old show 'Reboot." Anyways, he pointed us towards a door that lead back into the building, and asked the first future me if he went back inside before. He didn't seem to think that he had so we went in. This is where remembering how hard it was to get in was beneficial. WE knew that if we went in, there would be zombies inside, but if we beat them, more would not be able to get it. So we fought and killed some, but things started to get weird and we realized that there were no zombies. The owner of the factory had fooled us. He was an asshole at that point.
I then woke up. The dream was wierd because I keep dreaming that I am a guy. I don't know why either. I mean geeze, I was a guy three times over in that dream. There was me, and my two future selves.I hope my mind isn't having an identity crisis without telling me. That would blow. Maybe I am having one because for some reason, I have been wanting a mustache too. Maybe I am crazy.
Oh well.
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| eh? |
[11 Sep 2007|10:12am] |
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mood |
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complacent |
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music |
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purgatory |
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I have been told that life becomes more mundane as it moves on. I don't think I'll let that happen. Mundane moments come and go, but I want to keep things going.
Maybe I do need to go on a road trip.
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| Ghost World |
[07 Sep 2007|11:37pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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the instrumental music in 'Ghost World' |
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Have you ever watched the movie "Ghost World"? It's wierd, I just fininshed watching it and all I can think of is my life. I have no idea what I want from it or where I am going. Ifeel like the world I live in is fine, but it's not really real to me. I know I want something more and something to fulfil my desires. I have no idea what it is though. Stuff is telling me that I have what I want, but don't see it. I am telling myself that a guy would be great, travel is all I want to do, and that staying where my friends are is the answer. NONE of these though are really it.
I feel out of place because I don't seem to know myself. I have NO idea how to figure that out! I also can't seem to relate to 90% of humanity. I actually feel the most confused in my life than I ever have. In highschool, I had my friends, my classes, and towards the end I had a job. That was my life. Then I had college. It was school, social life, friends, art, and thoughtful thinking. Now that's gone too. So what now? A normal life to live? I don't know what my life is supposed to be like, but I don't want to be stuck somewhere. I have my job, and I like it. I am still by school and my friends. But what the hell is it that makes me feel so out of place? I want to belong not to a group, society, or any job title. I want to belong where I am. I want to feel that what ever I am doing is good enough. I want to feel at home in my actions and mostly my mind. I feel like there is no answer and that I am drowning in a pool of doubt and confusion. I am stranded somewhere that I know but don't understand.' What the hell' is my current question. WTH should I do? Where the hell am I and where the hell am I supposed to be? I know changing things will not give me an answer, but it might give me an oppurtunity to see things differently and find something that I might not be able to see here. I mean, you can be so used to something that you never notice it because it never stands out.
I really want to just get rid of all my shit and go off to who the hell knows where. But my attachment to everything is holding me back. I want to move on but I never want to forget or desert the people and things in my life.
I just wanted to get this all off my chest because it is somehting that I have been keeping in for so long. I mean looking back in highschool, I even talked about running away to Maine to go lobster fishing. It was a joke because I felt stuck in a world of my parents' rules and restrictions. God, I think I have always felt this way. Even in grade school, I would imagine worlds to escape the one I was in, in highschool I would joke about Maine, and in college I would picture my life after college. I guess that now since the majority of my distractions are gone, I am seeing this more so now ever than before. I just need to get a grip on myself, but I don't know how. How can you figure out who you are when you can't consintrate of the subject. It's too vague, and my mind runs a mile a minute and then has to catch u to itself. I swear I have a problem. My mind will think a though faster that you can say 'thougt' but then my language part of my brain has to catch up with words. It doesn't make sence how I can think a thought, but can't be done thinking it until I have rethought it.
My mind is running, and I just let it run all over this page, but I am not going to go back over this entry to proof read it, because I want it to just be my thoughts, and not be an edied version. Who knows, maybe I might learn something about my self.
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| Stuck in a world of mundanity / mundaneness |
[08 Jul 2007|12:27am] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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So lately I have felt stuck in a mediocre world of work and apartment living. It seems that I wake up , make breakfast, get ready for work, leave, work, come home, and return to my roommate watching some movie I could care less about. I need to find a way to spice up my life. I have tried hanging out with work people, but unfortunately most of them are still high-school students who you can tell are still high-school students. Oh well, I will figure something else to do.
God damn roommates who tick me off :(
Oh well
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| Go see Ratatouille! |
[08 Jul 2007|12:24am] |
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mood |
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 refreshed |
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Go see Ratatouille!
I don't usually rate movies so high, but 9.3-9.7 on a 10 range.
Beautiful animation, great characters, amazing voice talents, fun and entertaining, great message.
Just go see it!
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| Biking Anger |
[01 Jul 2007|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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Okay, so I biked an hour to get to work today, and at one point I had to swerve a bit more into the road in order to avoid plowing over a bid dead animal carcass. Reasonable right? Well NOOOOO!!! not to the car who honked at me! Excuse me for not flipping my bike over and crashing onto a dead animal! Okay...whew... and then on the way home I pulled out onto the main road from a parking lot. I had plenty of room and clearance, and yet the car behind me honked harshly at me! May I ask, wtf? It took me 1/2 a second to get to an area where there was ton of shoulder space for me to ride in. They couldn't slow down just a tad for 1/2 a second?!? Then get this, they pulled into my apartment complex and I saw where they live. I have half a mind to leave a note on their door venting in a creepy manner about my biking experience. But I also have half a mind telling me to drop it. Oh well, that's my day.
Damn car drivers!
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| Snakes, beer, and Heelies at work |
[30 Jun 2007|11:45pm] |
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The last two days have been interesting. First I was riding my bike and I came across a snake. It was so cool to see one, and I thought 'if I wanted, I could call in work and tell them I got bit by a snake and was in the hospital getting tested. Then I could enjoy the rest of this incredible day." I really wrestled with the idea, then I saw another snake, which made it even more tempting. Then I decided to save the excuse for later.
Today at work (at an amusement park), Two interesting things also happened.
1: I asked a women if she wanted to get drawn (because I draw caricatures).
She was like: "Whaaaatt?"
Me: "Do you want to get drawn?"
"Oh! I thought you said 'Drunk"!"
"HaHaHa! No! I said drawn!"
both laughing!
her "oh no, thanks!"
"Oh, well, have a good night!"
2:Later at work, I was showing at girl a work how I wanted 'Heelies' those shoes that have a wheel in the heal. So I was sliding around, trying to glide in my gym shoes across an asphalt midway. Needless to say, I wiped out and fell forward/side-ways. Scraped my left elbow, my left leg from my lower calf to my knee, my right elbow tip, and the palms of both of my hands. God I am smooth!!!
Oh well, that's the update!
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| Got destracted by Life :) |
[27 Jun 2007|03:25pm] |
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Okay, I see that so many people have these huge problems with life. Yet as I see it, life is life, and whatever is coming will come staright at you. The problems we have do not spawn from these events happening. Problems come from within. How we see what is happening and through what lenses we view it is the source of our problems. We can be so negative within that the world is nothing but people out to get us, so defensive that everything is an attack , so uncaring that even good times don't seem that good, OR we could be relaxed, reflective, and compassionate that we see life as being glorious, people as being good despite seemingly horrible actions that might only be a product of the state of existance thay live in. I just wish people could take a moment to stop, breathe, think about their options for actions (ALL of them), look at the repercussions, and then act or choose to drop ti and walk away if it is unimportant.
This would solve a lot of head aches.
I hope the quotes I offer below help any body who reads them. I find them encouraging because the show how anger and negativity is not the way. These words build a storng case for why people should live compassionately.
Love,
Barbara
Quotes from his Holiness the Dalai Lama:
True compassion is not just an emotional response but also a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truely compasionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively.
When one is in an intense state of hatred, even a very close friend appears somehow annoying. If one harbors hateful thoughts, it ruins one's health.
When people get angry they lose all sense of happiness. Anger upsets their physical well-being and disturbs their rest; it destroys their appetites and makes them age prematurely. Happiness, peace, and sleep evade them, and they no longer appreciate people who have helped them and deserve their trust and gratitude.
Negative thoughts and actions produce negative results and conditions, just as positive thoughts and actions produce postive results and conditions.
Sometimes it's very difficult to explain why people do the things they do... You'll often find that there are no simple explanations. If we were to go into the detials of individual lives, it would be quite difficult to understand what is going on or what exactly is taking place, since a human being's mind is so complex
In Tibet we say that many illnesses can be cured by the one medication of love and compassion.
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| Not been here forever |
[27 Jun 2007|02:31pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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I just figured I would come back and post something after years of not doing anything here. Right now, though I am going to be leaving to go biking. It is the best!
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