| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Radiohead - House of Cards |
] |
the past week of my life has been one of triumph and loss. of course, to the unbiased viewer, it could be surmised that, in fact, it was of loss from the very beginning. prior to the week, i had been formulating a very close relationship with a woman named chloe. she and i had met, like any other encounter in my current life, in tate street coffee. of course, i 'met' her by inquiring as to whether or not she knew of the group pictured on the cover of an edition of 'yes weekly' or not. the group was of little importance, being the rentals, a band whom i know of merely by the fact that their lead singer/songwriter was once in the band weezer. beyond this tool which was utilized in a premeditated fashion by myself, chloe and i found commonality in our temper, our humor and our cares.
unfortunately, with what seemed like only a few days, i came to the realization that chloe was engaged. this was not something she had shared with me, but rather something i gathered from the sizable band on her finger. the only instances i can truly recall of her mentioning her finance were during a conversation about his birthday, where chloe referred to him as her 'man-friend' and an evening speant together in her apartment, several weeks after that, where she stated that she had been 'disenchanted' with the whole notion of an engagement for several months. nevertheless, i was certain that nothing could arise between chloe and i, no matter what was increasingly becoming a well-rounded bond between the two of us.
one evening, after having performed in hillsborough, chloe arrived at my house, simply to relax and enjoy one another's company for a time. the night progressed rapidly and soon it became apparent that neither one of us were interested in leaving our comfortability behind. she and i began to cuddle, which later solified into an embrace, encased in the coverings of a quilt which had laid nearby. we walked upstairs, into the darkness of my bedroom to sleep. saying "i shouldn't be doing this", chloe continued to rest in my bed, asking me what it was i was thinking. after she and i had had barely any rest, we awoke at six, asking one another for the thoughts which came about in that moment and admitting to our attractions.
the next day was spent in a panic for myself. i hadn't the ability to truly define what it was that had happened between chloe and myself. i raced throughout the mile which separates my home from both greensboro college and tate street, hoping that something might come from asking again and again of friends, just what it was i was doing and what it was chloe was doing. wednesday night came and i invited myself to chloe's apartment for dinner. she and i listened to smiths records together, i attempted several dances for her entertainment. by midnight, she and i lay on her hardwood floor, holding one another. she stated that she felt as if she were 'leading me along'. i could only answer by saying that i was present, in her arms, through my own volition and that both she and i were acting voluntarily.
that night we kissed and continued to seek one another's thoughts. it was nearly impossible for me not to be happy for myself at that time. even a run-in with the unversity police during uncg's turn up the vote couldn't divert the strength i felt from being with chloe. thursday, friday, we couldn't escape one another, we just wanted more. even as she stated that she didn't know what it was she could call our relatinship, she continued to kiss me, to hold me, to tell me she had never met anyone like me before. we lay in my bed for the entirety of saturday morning. i walked her home, she was to leave for boone so as to see friends and family. the weekend was filled with traquility and peace, albeit at the expense of what turned out to be chloe's guilt.
monday evening we were once again together, in her bed. she said it had to end, i was not at all surprised that this was coming up into mention. i knew she was torn, however i was determined that no threat posed by an unwanted fiance was to keep me from her. i argued, dialectically, that her own argument for our end was illogical, which it is of course. 'there are other chloes'. well, if there are other chloes', then there are other matthews', so goes the logic. of course, this was not the case and even as she held me and kissed my face, my ears, my body, the point was to be made and would continue to rest in her mind as the only objective. in the morning, we rose and kissed several times in her kitchen, i kissed her body more and smiled continuously, even as she told me she would purposely avoid me.
these past few days have been what was first called the loss. even after a night's long argument on thursday evening, i haven't been able to make my case to her for the continuation of our relationship. saying she 'wants me' but 'doesn't need to be with me right now in (her) life' has no logistical basis by which to move. simply put, love is want. she is obviously feeling terrible due to her pre-marital infidelity. however, no amount of loyalty can keep one from what it is they desire the most. telling me she was 'comfortable' with me, while being 'lonely' as she was without friends or family in greensboro only seems to tell me shes desperate for a way to escape the feelings she holds for me.
stating if she were to admit her feelings for me, as i have to her, she would only be at a loss, as she is committed to either ending her relationship with her fiance or existing as a single person. quite honestly, i haven't a clue as to how this can end in a friendly, un-passionate manner.
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
every5thsunday's journal
blank
annoyed