| On the road again |
[Mar. 16th, 2008|11:20 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | dance, philosophy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | What-ever Lo-la wantsssss.... Looo-LA-ha getssssss... | ] |
Yesterday after (engineering) we had our first rehearsal, which was great because tacking on another two hours is exactly what I wanted. After our usual class I always want to stay there and just hoof for a while. Four hours straight is golden and my quadriceps are getting toned like tent poles. Unfortunately we might have to move rehearsals to Sunday but I'm good both days anyway. In the routine there are four levels of difficulty and I alternate between levels two and three. I still think the theme of it is kind of ridiculous but I get a lot of practice in on being precise at high speeds. My speed threshold is not very high but I'm more concerned with clean sounds and rhythms than having hell-for-leather feet. The beauty of being at my current level is that anything new only takes about fifteen to thirty minutes of drilling and boom, got it.
New steps learned since the beginning of this semester: Open third (riffle), closed third, cramp roll turn, Cincinatti. A lot of steps are just particular combinations of basic steps but it becomes easier to identify things as the vocabulary grows instead of having to spell out every piece.
Today we had the first rehearsal for Julia's tango routine that she forcibly wrangled me into. I was on the fence all the way up to the penultimate moment but after today I know I'm going to have a LOT of fun with it. It's as much a musical theater piece as a dance, and I'm one of the leads, so 70% of my part is expression. The movement isn't difficult either. First time I've done partner dancing and pretty crazy to be thrown on stage as well, but the part was basically made for me and I'm really enthusiastic now.
Afterward I stuck around and watched the swing group do their rehearsal. Crazy stuff. Also crazy ratio, about twenty girls and two old guys. One of them was asking me what the steps were and I was only leaning on a piano watching.
"Kick, sliiide. Step step KICK step. Kick! Sliiide. Step step KICK step."
"Step step kick slide?"
"No, step. Then repeat."
It's nice being able to regularly recognize people now and know regulars in the dance department. I really needed this change of atmosphere. I was talking to Julia a bit before she left and she was encouraging me to veer towards dance as a new focus, and I agreed that it really felt right. First, I need a severe change in my life because I feel like I'm stagnating. Second, when I was younger I avoided dance because I was too self conscious and I am WAY beyond that dumb self-repression shit now. Third, there is SO MUCH TO LEARN. MAN. It's like how I felt when I really started getting serious in my Capoeira training, seeing all these amazing things that I KNEW I could grasp with practice. I also have advantages as a newcomer. After a dozen years of martial arts training I have a solid handle on controlling my body. After Capoeira and fight choreography I have a healthy grasp of rhythm. After all that theater I have stage presence flushing out of my ears. I know my left foot from my right and how to control my inertia and exertion of force. Balance, spatial awareness, a strong back?
I GOT 'EM. I can't lose! I'm ready! Goddammit! Bring it ON, damn you!
There's still a lot to learn in martial arts but I feel my interest has peaked in a lot of places. I've always been more interested in MOVEMENT than actually FIGHTING. I want to learn how to express myself even more than I can now (which is usually in midair while snapping a limb or two in vertical directions). Learning to move is the core of my being! My inspiration! My passion for living! This is as right as it gets! Damn you!
Which reminds me, on Saturday I hung out with Sandy and Emily after class and Emily was talking about Saturn Return, basically the astrological concept that everyone goes through a major change in their lives every 28-30 years from birth. It could be very positive or very negative, but after the return period you are a significantly different person from who you were before. Sandy recapped her life (which was a tremendous rollercoaster of drama on all scales) and it rang true for her. Whether or not there's any truth to it, I have never felt MORE ready for a really significant change in my life. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of either a great accomplishment or a great breakdown, and by God I'm ready to go full force into whatever direction I go. I'm pent up and ready to burst. Come on existence let's make something HAPPEN! Damn you!
Monday through Friday I'll be in Oakland visiting my Mom. When I get back I'll have a new kitchen and a new roommate, rehearsals to look forward to. Things are moving, going to get moving, already moving, argh argh argh. |
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| AND WE'LL SPEH-HEND TO-MOR-ROWW... TOGEH-THERRRRRR (always forever and) EH-HE-HE,EH-HE-HE,VER-HERRRR |
[Dec. 11th, 2007|10:01 pm] |
Did a little bit of Christmas shopping this morning. Watched about fifty parents looking for Wiis go apeshit on the UPS guy at Gamestop. Also bought a 2GB Micro SD card for my cell phone.
Mrs.Fields is the SHIT.
First shot I ever took with my phone. Not at all terrible. Range sucks, but what can you do. Nothing to rely on with regularity, although useful for concert situations. Wish I had this when I saw DHC back in '04.
Soundtrack is in the works. Most of it looks to be done by New Year's. This last month is the most excruciating wait, but all the final gears are in motion. That in itself is a relief. I've had enough relative panic moments over the past year.
This week, working on my final until I've got it rock solid. Probably get the rest of my shopping done soon. Ticket's bought to go home for X-Mas. Things are in order.
Whugh.
Too cold for gym. Rocked the abs at home and had the most delicious pasta ever. Great to be alive.
( Some self-reflection on goals, a work ethic, and a sense of worth ) |
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| Tife and Limes: It wasn't prosthetic it was really his chest |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|03:56 am] |
-Con: Woke up Tuesday afternoon and had some C-Groove Level 2 diarrhea. It was an epic battle. After that I was dehydrated and tired as hell, so I drank a ton of water and went back to bed. By the time I woke up again it was too late to go to gym. Alas. BUT Thursday by thunder I am going to GET IT ON like MONTALBAN
-Pro: Since Thanksgiving I kicked into overdrive on the art for Fancy Plans and I've just about got everything done. Promo shit is on the rise. Scaling and layouts took the longest but I got my motivation back, finally. It was a few months of slowly picking away at it in the beginning and at times finding the drive was frustrating as hell. But things they are a-very nice-uh. What a relief. Hopefully now the color themes will be clear as day. Several months ago I was mad as hell because despite all the icons and borders and graphics people were still whooshing on it. Amazing.
In your FACE, lethargy
-Con: I have a goddamned canker sore that appears in the exact same place on the inside of my bottom lip every few months. I can't wait for this fucking thing to heal, takes about a week. Have to avoid touching it with food or I get a stinging pain. Facts about canker sores and cold sores: Canker sores differ from cold sores in that they occur on the internal soft tissues of your mouth and aren't contagious. Conversely, cold sores almost always start out on the lips and don't often spread to the soft tissues of your mouth. In addition, cold sores are caused by a form of the herpes virus, making them extremely contagious.
-Pro: Tekken 6 is the ILLEST. ILLEST! The boss is grade AAA platinum preposterous, but it looks soooo good. People already seem to have a pretty good handle on Leo. Bruce, Dragunov, and King's new stuff looks especially nice to me. Eddy losing the d+4 to a slower but more powerful d+4,3 (Corta Capim-Au Batido) I'm mixed on. His handstand throw damage is meh. I liked the Escala~Au Chibata-Martelo do Chao-Meia Lua thing, don't know the notation yet. Anyway GENE watch all those videos. Bruce's new stance and delays are SICK. Also, DOUBLE TIGER KNEE. Serious business.
-Con: I am WAY overdue for a haircut.
-Con: When the hell did everyone sick again? Suddenly half the people I know are trying to get over a cold. I don't remember anyone being sick before I left.
-Con: I think it was some bad sourdough that gave me the colon flurries. I hate having to throw away food. Some people in this world buy food and LET IT GO BAD! They just let it sit around and get rotten! I don't understand it! How goddamned lazy do you have to be to not eat food you spent money on?? Jackassery!
-Pro: I am in great shape! BASK IN THE HARD WORK. BASK!
edit: recorded for posterity
[00:16] Esco> there are only so many people that are in that top percentile
[00:16] Esco> you just have to do your best and find some satisfaction in what you're doing
[00:16] p_d> you're right
[00:16] Esco> put your own spin on it so if it's mediocre in comparison at least it stands out for some reason
[00:16] Esco> that's what I do
[00:17] Esco> I'm not great at a lot of things, lots of people are better at stuff than me, but I ingrain so much of myself into it that it's definitively mine
[00:17] Esco> people look at it and go "oh larry did that" "that motherfucker is WEIRD"
[00:17] Esco> good times
[00:17] p_d> ahaha |
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| Tife and Limes: Work it on out, IX |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|09:24 pm] |
-Going home tomorrow way freaking early in the a.m. I am definitely not getting much/any sleep. It is going to be freezing as hell up there, like SIXTY. FORTY AT NIGHT. HOLY CRAP HOW WILL I LIVE. Packing thermals and what not. Talk about conclusively ruined by the heat. Back on the weekend sometime.
Gym was the best. TORE EET UP. Now I know what my front tuck looks like. I'm getting very good height, surprised myself even. My head is turned slightly, which I don't even feel, so it's on a slight lean. Never did like going straight over. Still, I'm happy that it has become what it is in a relative short amount of repeated drilling. I still have no grasp of controlling the height or landing, it's just a natural opening-up kind of thing. Learning the front punch has helped on other things like the sideflip. Progress is what.
My standing full still looks like shit. Like a jagged bundle of metal rods got thrown up into the air and crumple before hitting the ground. I'm going to pick apart the gainer full and see if I can apply that to a two-foot jump. IT CAN BE DONE. Dammit.
Trying to teach somebody when they're a combination of impatience & garrulousness can be a test. "What do you mean 'what's the next thing?' You don't even have THIS thing half-decent yet." Also being self-conscious is an annoying-as-hell crutch that just gets in the way. Naomi would love it if I were more of the indulging/delicate type of instructor. Her friend Xochi (I think) on the other hand- she just does it. If she can't, she drills the step before. That's a good work ethic right there. Build, build, BUILD.
If you have excuses, either find an alternate route or change your priorities. Don't waste my time or your own. There's no TIME to ARGUE about TIME. We DON'T. HAVE. the TIME. GET TA WORK!
Grab-throttle-yell, grab-throttle-yell. Slaps on the back.
You're trying to learn something and you fuck it up, you shouldn't give a fuck whether or not people are looking. You're learning something new. Keep working. It's more embarrassing to cave in and leave the floor.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. I'm saying. |
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| Tife and Limes: Today is Fettucine day |
[Sep. 12th, 2007|06:50 pm] |
-Cancer researcher has found a way to burn salt water. This is some completely wild and unsettling shit.
-My old scale broke ages ago. We got an electronic 500-lb freight scale at work. I weigh 154 pounds. This is good, because it's ten pounds more than the last time I weighed myself (prior to last year's working out period) and I am the certified sex. The most I ever weighed was close to 160 in 2004, but that was due to poor eating habits and lack of activity.
-CHILDREN OF MEN is the BEST MOVIE of 2006. It got its hooks in me hard from the start and yanked me into a completely insane adventure. A total masterwork from start to finish. I haven't had this edge-of-my-seat nail-biting movie experience in ages. It was GRIPPING. The tension was THICK. The single-shot sequences, which are what I die for, are absolutely incredible.
Quote by director Alfonso Cuarón:
"There's a kind of cinema I detest, which is a cinema that is about exposition and explanations.... It's become now what I call a medium for lazy readers."
I would high-five the dickens out of this man.
-Related quote, as shared to me by dub, from David Simon (creator of The Wire):
"My standard for verisimilitude is simple and I came to it when I started to write prose narrative: fuck the average reader. I was always told to write for the average reader in my newspaper life. The average reader, as they meant it, was some suburban white subscriber with two-point-whatever kids and three-point-whatever cars and a dog and a cat and lawn furniture.
He knows nothing and he needs everything explained to him right away, so that exposition becomes this incredible, story-killing burden.
Fuck him. Fuck him to hell."
Goddamn right. Also, fuck awards shows.
-I've been working on this shirt idea for a couple of weeks now and despite being incredibly time consuming it's turning out pretty good. I could make all kinds of promotional crap with this stuff after I'm done. I'm about a third into it. I think it's helping me get back into a drawing mood again. Been really brain-dry in that regard for some time now.
P.S. Lisa needs braces
edit: Fettucine day = rousing success |
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| Mostly Sunny, 108 degrees. |
[Sep. 2nd, 2007|05:15 pm] |
[16:30] Esco> jom when's your birthday again
[16:30] Antigone_Jones> the real one or the party?
[16:30] Esco> party
[16:30] Antigone_Jones> 13th
[16:30] Esco> that is soon!
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> damn, 26
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> I'm an old lady
[16:31] Esco> 26 is a good age
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> is it?
[16:31] Esco> I find the older I get the less I mind
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> I remember hating life when I was 24
[16:31] Esco> because you're smarter than you were with each year
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> thought I was missin' out on life
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> true
[16:31] Esco> I look back on my early twenties and I was just confused most of the time
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> it's a good way of thinking of things
[16:31] Esco> I feel better about my late twenties and early thirties
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> yeah, I was, too
[16:31] Antigone_Jones> still am
[16:32] Esco> not to mention I'm just getting more goddamn handsome with age
[16:32] Antigone_Jones> awwwww
[16:32] Esco> I am going to be one of them god damned lady killers when I'm 60
[16:32] Antigone_Jones> lookie you, hot stuff
[16:32] Antigone_Jones> lucky for us, asians age well
[16:32] Esco> making all the young married women second guess themselves
[16:32] Antigone_Jones> lol
[16:33] Esco> my old age is going to be fun
[16:33] Antigone_Jones> makin' them wish they met you instead, lol
[16:33] Esco> since I have ingrained in myself so hard to not deteriorate
[16:33] Antigone_Jones> you are the first person I've met who's looking forward to it
[16:33] Antigone_Jones> I mean, most of my 30 yr old friends feel like damaged goods already
[16:33] Esco> people ought to age gracefully
[16:33] Antigone_Jones> and wonder why they're still not married, etc.
[16:33] Esco> if you fight it off you just waste time and energy
[16:33] Esco> it's childish
[16:33] Antigone_Jones> true, I agree
[16:34] Esco> can't stop the music!
[16:34] Antigone_Jones> just gotta embrace it, no?
[16:34] Esco> exactly
[16:34] Esco> dub turning 24 all "OH GOD I'M SO OVER THE HILL"
[16:34] Esco> SHUT the FUCK UP dub
[16:34] Antigone_Jones> that's why I like giving huge bdays :)
[16:34] Esco> goddamn kid
[16:34] Esco> I swear
[16:34] Antigone_Jones> hahaha,
[16:34] Esco> I'd kick that kid off the monkey bars
[16:34] Esco> all vindictive like
[16:34] Antigone_Jones> I remember I felt the same way back then because I didn't know what to do with my life or my career
[16:34] Antigone_Jones> I still don't but I feel less scared
[16:35] Antigone_Jones> I still am, but I know I'm gonna be okay
[16:35] Esco> well it's not like life gets any less confusing, you just learn to deal with it better
[16:35] Antigone_Jones> true
[16:35] Antigone_Jones> or I just get wiser
[16:35] Esco> I think I'll go look for a present today
[16:35] Antigone_Jones> who's?
[16:35] Antigone_Jones> mine?
[16:35] Esco> a present er um uh for a uh
[16:35] Antigone_Jones> :D
[16:35] Esco> uh um uh er
[16:36] Antigone_Jones> :D
[16:36] Esco> the president! yes, the president. of... albania.
[16:36] Antigone_Jones> say it!
[16:36] Esco> my pen pal from way back
[16:36] Esco> good ol'
[16:36] * Esco searches wikipedia
[16:36] Antigone_Jones> :((((
[16:36] Esco> Bamir Topi
[16:36] Esco> yep, old Bamir and I used to roll back in the day
[16:36] Antigone_Jones> shuttup!
[16:36] Esco> I think he could use a board game or something
[16:36] Antigone_Jones> you don't know one albanian to save your fuckin' life!
[16:37] * Esco eats his vanilla wafers and looks innocent |
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| "Karma's a bitch!" *ARROW-ARROW-ARROW* |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|11:23 pm] |
Laid back weekend. Man was I burned out on Saturday. Didn't do shit. COULDN'T do shit. However, cookies were on sale! Striped Shortbread & Iced Oatmeal = Yay \o/
We're 95% done on that Fancy Plans and this month is mop-up on remaining little things. Best thing is there's no more rush. So every outing is just cool with a lot of hang-out time afterward.
-Andrew's thighs are getting bigger. In a good way.
-When Belgians rap in French, they'll wake the whole block.
-Surrogate Indians need to eat more. Have you seen his calves? Honestly.
-Fishnet shirt.
-First philanthropist act: Bus of Guatemalans get free dinner.
-David gets excited pretty easily when there's a camera around.
-THE HAWAII CHAIR. IS THE STUPIDEST THING. EVER.
Bumped Ozomatli in the car on the way to Pasadena, shot a bit, had a lengthy and downright hilarious lunch, went to Sam's and watched Tokyo Raiders. Hoo hoo hoo.
Note to self: Make Toshiro Mifune poster with Bernie Mac slogan.
It is interesting that I am something of a reverse-racist when it comes to the people I hang out with. I become extremely uncomfortable being in any place where everyone looks the same. I need a wide variety of people. Growing up in the bay we had every color under the sun, and that's what I like. I get weirded out in places like Chinatown or parts of Alhambra/San Gabriel where all the Asians lump together en masse and appear isolated within their culture. Boo to that. Awesome as Japan was, I got uncomfortable there sometimes when I was just floating in a sea of sameness. Strange how that works out.
Same kind of idea making Fancy Plans, it'll get to where I have too many of one ethnicity and have to put a cap on it and find more of another. But regardless of how I cast that, I'm basically just using as many people as we know in our circle of friends, and somebody is bound to be offended for their ethnicity being excluded. It's unavoidable. Least we're trying to be as diverse as we practically can. It can be HARD as FUCK to get people together for a shoot, even for simple things. When it works, it works, and we can't complain. I like to stare at the still-growing cast page and just dig how colorful the whole mess is. What a bunch of beautiful motherfuckers. I love it.
I guess reverse-racist isn't quite the right term, it just sounds funnier than discriminatory.
I am extremely grateful for having amassed a large swath of friends spanning different social circles. When I was pursuing stunts I tended to spend lots of time with my friends & acquaintances in the industry (also a necessity because we rely on each other for work/referrals/etc) but there was a bothersome prevalence toward always talking about work in ANY & EVERY social situation. The industry, what gigs are coming up, what movies came out, who worked on what, who knows who, who saw whose reel, how many days for what pay on what pilot for whose director friend, when's next practice, what moves are you learning, what do you want to get on tape for your reel, who did what on whose resume, who stabbed who in the back lately but you should try to get in with anyway because he knows what's what in whose what where. Being in the business most people tend to criticize the SHIT out of everything and goddamn that gets tired fast. After several years of marinating in just that banter I couldn't STAND it any longer. If I can't talk about art or music or sandwiches or scoliosis without it relating to making movies in some manner, I might as well shoot myself.
I am NOT looking forward to work tomorrow. This week is going to be the longest, suckingest, high-stressingest week ever. My boss cannot come back from his trip sooner. Ugh man I want to have sleepovers with ladies and such. Barnacles! |
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| How Steng Got His Groove Back (Part II) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2007|09:18 pm] |
-I think I posted it everywhere but my journal that the first teaser for Yeah Sure Okay was posted about a week ago. We got more good stuff coming up.
-My new favorite exercise is one-arm one-leg pushups. That's with your body square to the ground, opposite arm and leg, ball of the foot and not the side. I love exercises that challenge my strength AND my balance. Getting the proper technique on this took a few days. Doing one-handers with your body twisted sideways like Rocky, any fool that is semi-fit can squeeze out one of those nasty things. Doing them proper is much different and you really feel how the whole body is involved. I actually had some trouble balancing on my right arm/left leg, I'd tend to fall toward my left shoulder.
-An unexpected surprise on Friday. I found out that having been at my job for a year, I now get HOLIDAYS PAID. I had no idea. This is rad, man, rad.
( It's the week-end, Parrghty Parrghty Parrghty )
Man. Time for dinner. |
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| American Idol and periodic glorifications of violence and hella procreating y'all |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|06:16 pm] |
Strangest thing.
I stopped at the Vallarta after work to buy some pasta and soda, and while I'm throwing it in the car I see this bright-eyed Japanese girl rapidly shuffling toward me. There are no Japanese people around here so I found it odd. She looked about eighteen, had an insane swath of freckles plastered horizontally aross her face, and was wearing a green cap that was too big and made her look five. In carefully enunciated English with a very heavy Japanese accent she asked if I wanted to make a contribution to a Christian suffuringu chiluduren fundo and presented me with a tri-lingual flyer and ID card of herself (Kumiko). I didn't quite know what to do initially, the girl was beaming with such high-on-Christ optimism that it was burning my face. I figured her scorching halo was worth some change so I gave her three bucks.
I told her I used to go to church- on the words "used to" her face turned down and she asked "What happened to you?" with the most sympathetic eyes as if I was a lost soul who had wrenched himself from God's omnipresent love and was steadily wavering into Satan's clutches on my chrome-rimmed sinner's rollerskates. I went on a somewhat lengthy speech about how the world was too large and culturally complex for any one religion to be unilaterally correct, blah blah most religions share good moral values but the scriptures/literature are differently interpreted given each individual's upbringing/atmosphere/bias/priorities blah blah most people's thoughts concerning religious application are confined to what issues affect them directly and don't consider global views blah blah I don't think God can be defined by mankind and nobody will have definitive proof while they're alive anyway etc. She seemed to understand where I was going and agreed with me on the contradictions that become apparent through varying interpretations. Afterward I said good luck with a hearty slap on the shoulder and she was back to being God's cheerleader and blanketed me with a few dozen Thank-You-And-God-Bless-Yous as I tried to get back into the car. She merrily went on her way with an older Japanese woman down the street.
That youthful optimism, boy. I remember that stuff. She didn't try to push or confront me on anything. The worst kind of religious person tries so hard to be right that they become blind and contradict the fundamental values that make up their dang religion. Making exceptions for violence, especially. Them primeval instincts sure are something.
I should've saved that picture of rival Buddhist monks in Cambodia beating each other up over disputed territory. Makes me wish I was there holding a sign that says "HELLO! 227 RULES OF DISCIPLINE! NIBBANA! REMEMBER?! HOLY CRAP!" (only in Khmer, however that translates)
edit: ( Adding Chris's High School meme because I can't not do it ) |
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| I now know what Calvin's dad meant. |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|08:30 pm] |
One monumental award-winningly terrible weekend later, things aren't so bad. Friday kicked off a two and a half day streak of not being able to contact the people I needed to and/or people not calling me back. Didn't get a damn thing done and was SUPER depressed. My mind became a concrete bunker and the whole world was shitty and terrible. The worst part was trying to do/find things I wanted/needed to, even little stuff, and it all failing horribly.
Monday, some people called back. Others are being vague or haven't, but what the hey. It helped a great deal that I got my new check card and I updated all my internet-related bills in time, which was a huge relief. Things will pick up. No way you were convincing me of that on Saturday though.
I bought two pairs of Vans today :DDD Vans are awesome. I love 'em. How many times have I said that, I wonder.
The Viacom/Youtube story is interesting to me because of all the news stories I've been reading, the feedback from teens/young adults is mostly complaining about the practices of wealthy bullying corporations and rationalizing how entertainment should be freely available one way or another. There's also a predominant view that nobody is really getting hurt, but it usually sounds like ignorance or denial over copyrights and commercial property. Older adults with some exceptions generally side with Viacom because they understand the laws and the argument behind the case, even if they personally think YouTube shouldn't be punished and a compromise is best. I side with Viacom, intellectual property rights should be backed up as much as any other interest in tangible property. If a creator worked hard to get it out there, they deserve to have it available as intended. I could care less about television and I don't use YouTube very often but as an artist I'd be pissed as hell if someone chopped up Fancy Plans and put it up there.
I can't kid myself because I know for damn sure that if things stay the same it's going to eventually get put up on YouTube. Someone's going to chop the whole movie up into parts or just make a montage of all the fight scenes. If we spend a good chunk of our time hunting it down and reporting it, there's nothing stopping another account from replacing it right away, then endless cycle. I want it to be seen as it was intended to be seen- not butchered and compressed with a trail of comments by douches that can't even spell their favorite incomprehensible run-on racist epithet barrage o' the week. You put your heart and soul into something, it shouldn't get kicked around the place like a 50-cent Indonesian bootleg.
Generally speaking, it's amazing just how fucking pissy and childish people can get when they can't get something for free anymore. Nobody's entitled to SHIT for free, honestly. "I can't get it now, but I WANT it! I've wanted it forever! I DESERVE to get it! Also, my life sucks! Give me shit!" Our whole culture of instant gratification is damaging. Everyone's in a hurry and needs what they want immediately. Convenience! NOW! ARGH! TURN GREEN STUPID LIGHT I'M IMPORTANT AND HAVE TO GET TO WHERE I'M GOING! Fucking A, people should slow the fuck down and put themselves outside of their impulses once in a damn while. All that rushing and deserving this & that and whatnot will get you to the grave a whole lot faster.
Somewhat related thought: Most of the people I know were teenagers when we witnessed the birth of the world wide web. I can't imagine what a kid with the internet nowadays must think. In school you actually had to go to a library to look something up without google or wikipedia?? Insanity! 24kbps? Are you shitting me?
Man, that was a crazy time.
It's getting late. Push-ups. Pasta.
This morning I had an incredibly vivid dream. It seemed to last a few days even though I was asleep for only twenty minutes since I had gone back to bed after my first alarm went off. ( Wow hella text, man. What is up. ) |
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| When the room smells like fries, the world is right and at peace. |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|10:24 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | philosophy, work | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stan Bush - The Touch (Mark Wahlberg version) | ] |
PROGRESS! You CAN. NOT. BEAT IT. In any capacity. Be it SMALL! Be it LRRRGE! Progress is progress. Moving forward! Onward! Conquerage! Thrusting! Up! UP! UUUUP! You cannot sell me on "Oh we can do it LATER." If the pieces are present, DO IT! UGH! PROG! RRRRRR-AH!
Ideas + Practicality + MOMENTUM = Progress. ZUNGH! WHOO! ARGH!
Carl's Jr is good, but they need to step up their fries a notch. Jack in the Box CRAPS ALL OVER these fries. Oh well. Make do with what you have!
Fancy Plans! Website in the works. Hammered out a sitemap today, spent hella hours yesterday getting the look down and just graphics graphics graphics. Exciting. Still not sure of the launch, but I a-reckon this month is Optimus.
YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH
YOU'VE GOT THE POW-ERRRR
YEAH!
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| Death, deletion, stasis lock |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|12:10 am] |
Sunday I got a bunch of voice messages and texts from people regarding my grandfather's death. Although I really appreciated the sentiment, most of them were contrary to my feelings about it. "You're gonna make it through this" and "everything's gonna be okay" and "this terrible tragedy" etc. Made me wonder if anyone actually read what I wrote about him. It's not tragic. It's not traumatizing or emotionally crippling. It would have been sad or terrible had he died at a younger age with lots left to accomplish in his life, but he had settled into his old age long ago and passed on as a late octogenarian. His health was deteriorating and he could no longer communicate very well. His death was natural. There's nothing tragic or unfair about him dying under those circumstances.
Death shouldn't always be associated with anguish and sadness. It does happen to those that aren't ready, but sometimes it's a natural end to a long journey and/or a release from pain and suffering. I just thought it strange that everyone jumped to the assumption it was a worst-case scenario.
To reiterate, I really didn't know my grandfather well. He came to the states, worked his ass off, raised five kids, and established a strong Chinese-American family. One hell of an accomplishment, and that's what I'll remember him for.
Locution-complaint of the week: Condolences. It's the expected response after any tragedy and eventually becomes pretty empty since it's used so much. Condolences sounds like a cheap card bought at Walgreens or a momentary pout in lieu of actual emotion.
Fancy match/plans patch is jumping off like whoa. Sunday we got one of longest and most difficult shots ever. It took about 12-15 tries (plus 10 rehearsals) but we got it down solid eventually. We made almost twice as much progress over the day as I thought we would. It started out sunny and brisk but soon turned to cloudy and WIND-CHILL FREEZING AS THE DICKENS. After I got home not only did I discover I somehow lightly strained my left quadricep (just enough to be irritating), I also had an S-level muscle cramp in my left leg for a good thirty seconds. I remember Mestre telling me the worst pain he ever had in his life was both of his legs cramping up after fishing in a river for a few hours (prolonged cold or overexertion can cause inadequate oxygenation of muscles thus causing painful contractions later on). The pain was seriously intense but it disappeared with no aftereffects like it was never there, which was odd. Anyway. We're having some time off after Christmas so the crew's in high gear to get one more fight done beforehand. Progress!
I've had Guitar Hero 2 for about five days now and I still haven't opened it. Shit to DO. Man. I also want to get more hours in this week so my last paycheck before Christmas is pretty hefty. Plans man plans. |
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| "Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time. Laundry's always on my mind" |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|07:48 pm] |
I've been trying to write an entry for like five days now. In the midst of a work HYPER COMBO so I just pass the hell out before writing anything. I've got tons of online work to do tonight and about a dozen unwatched NOAH/NJPW/MPro matches on my desktop.
-The weekend was tops. Fancy Plans went with ease and hilarity. The temptation is great- but as much as I want to spoil the saucy details, I SHAN'T. We were just on the ball like crazy. Scenes I thought difficult during the planning stages were made easy by trips to the dollar store and free lights. I almost got beat up by someone wearing a Teen Girl Squad shirt. Post-shoot slurpees are godly, particularly the new Sunkist Orange flavor. And if there's any one in-joke to summarize the weekend, it's:
P.S. If you missed the memo and don't know about my Fancy Plans, clicka hurr.
-Happy Feet (Savion Glover int. plus video). MAN there is no way I am not seeing this. I love tap and I love penguins. INSTANT WIN! (Unless the music sucks)
-Circus acrobat relives youth on 80th birthday. This is inspiring shit. These days people can expect two to three decades as a senior, barring serious injury or illness. That's a lot of fucking time. How many people out there, young or old, are wasting their bodies AND minds in front of the damn television or computer every day? I make it to 80, you better believe I'm gonna party like it's 1999. (AJ clarification: yes computer time can be beneficial, I'm talking World of Warcraft addicts and such as)
MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR SHIT, PEOPLE! Man who am I kidding there are drunk people willingly putting their faces into ceiling fans RIGHT NOW.
This reminds me of that Shatner rant I went on a year or two ago. Speaking of the venerable and well-preserved Captain, I heard today he's hosting a game show where people have to dance. I have to watch this. Awful title though.
-Landing back throws in Tekken never gets old. Although the move sometimes doesn't match the damage (i.e. Feng's, Jin's. Need to add a stomp or something in the animation), the fact it does big damage is satisfying as hell. That's one thing VF needs, to adjust damage for throws depending on position and how difficult they are to actually land. When you've got your opponent at his most vulnerable position (back) or just managed a finger-mangling input, you need big rewards. The other thing I dislike is how there are so many "throws" in VF that are just several strikes strung together, like Jacky's backfists, Vanessa's elbows, Sarah's roundhouse-backfist-punch-sweep combo. There's a certified mess of new ones in VF5. TAIN'T THROWS. If it's something REALLY fancy like Blaze's KENTA combo or Sarah's flamingo 7-hit, I don't mind.
-I couldn't care less about the Wii or PS3 right now. I still think it's too early for new systems. Who has that kind of money anyway? All I know is the PS3 is on lock for Tekken 6, VF 5, Killzone, and all the WWII FPS's. 's. 's. I like the Wii but since its at the top of everyone else's list I'll play it with friends first. WII SHALL SII. *ba-dum PSCH*
Time to finally finish that shredded beef from Friday and do some abs before it gets too late. MAN I need to cut my hair too! The fun never stops! Argh!
edit: Happy Birthday Dad |
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| Odd's Bodd's (always with a little humor my dear Zilkov eh hee hee forced laugh ha.) |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|11:04 pm] |
Baked a burnt cake with a touch of pneumonia while studying a smudged number. Like playing a violin underneath a bridge or in a park with pigeons, I've lost my shadow and need an earthquake.
It is a TRIP.
Time is flying. Like thinking about things I've done just two days ago feel a week away. But at the same time, the days do NOT fly by. Many things are accomplished in each hour and I am wholly cognizant of how much time has elapsed. But once all's said and done for the time being, it is whimsically far far away. More frequently finding myself in a reminiscent moment asking "What IS the point??"
I feel that I'm somehow repeating things I haven't done. Dig this shit. Like I'll be writing out a new page of choreography for something, and I'll look at it and clearly feel that I've already done it before. Completely new sequence of movements, but it comes out as if I it was programmed and I'm aware yet unaware of it as it happens. Recently having lots of deja vu while standing in new places. From my frequent dream premonitions I only recognize the feeling and atmosphere once the moment actually happens, so it is of no use other than to trip me out. >:|
Been feeling mechanical in my actions. It really set in after a few months of working. Knowing my routine, my schedule, things are just a bit TOO regular. I feel that there is always the potential for new and amazing things- and crazy unexpected developments do happen on occasion, but even then it feels very anticlimactic. Like a Japanese movie with too much exposition. I feel driven and I feel passionate about my project every weekend, but at the same time I can't shake this deeply vacant sensation. Like I'm missing a hefty chunk of my being. Bzzt whirr clank clank ping.
It would be great to meet a girl that has a real artistic talent I could appreciate. Or SOMEthing to be passionate about outside of making ends meet that takes skill, care, and dedication. Most all women I encounter are only concerned with working and/or going to school and getting the occasional girls' night out while otherwise fretting over their self-image. Lazy as HELL, too. Would rather starve than exercise, resign themselves to uselessness while still in their twenties and thirties. The attractive ones that have an exceptional skill of course already have boyfriends within hella superfied long-term relations that you do NOT even think about rolling up on because that is some hardcore asshole shit to attempt. I must live in the wrong time zone or have bad feng shui or am just behind on my goat's blood tribute to Popo Bawa.
Been pondering my own mortality a lot recently. Lots of dreams about it too. Nothing encouraging or discouraging about the conclusions. The constant is always something like, "Everything is as it is. And what IS, is everything." Yeah I know :|
Life is long but time is short. Supremely fucked up is what. |
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| Fuck with ME today. |
[Sep. 8th, 2006|06:05 pm] |
Go out of my way to be cheerful, compliments abound, frequent laugh-inducing week in and out. But today, set me OFF. Comes in, brand new outfit, looking fine as fine could possibly be. GOD FORBID I find her attractive, Jesus Lord no. Fucking SCOWLS at me like I had no right to even LOOK. Like I'm a fucking JOKE, I ain't got no RIGHT. Does this to me half the damn time anyway, just makes me feel bad for smiling in the first place. No smiling today. Not my job to supply the fucking jollies all the goddamn time. I smile at her, she frowns at me. The hell kind of sense does that make.
I am the fucking Hug-Bot, you pricks.
Better believe I'm going to channel this shit tomorrow. I haven't been this mad for this long in AGES. Feels right. Feels right. Shit is about to get ROCKED.
You don't STEW in the anger. You drive it out. Make it into something strong, something new. That's what the fucking repercussions should be. No destruction, no revenge. Channel that shit.
Just to get (by), just to get (by) |
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| MUST FIX BIKE TIRE! |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|11:58 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | philosophy, work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  XD BWA HA HA HAAA | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some crazy mix cd of Pablo's | ] |
Had a hilarious gut-ripping day at work, but some bad news about production during the afternoon that hung a shroud over my head. During the evening we had a great practice/rehearsal, tried out a bunch of new things (some worked, some didn't), got my aerial walkover back and managed the ever-elusive aerial twist one time. Afterward during dinner Andrew came about a very VERY simple change to the location of part of the story and EVERYTHING FELL INTO PLACE. The bad news from before became miniscule. It was genius in his simplicity, I never would've thought of it. Kicked myself in the head. It's one of those things in plain sight but I was jogging around it in circles. Afterward I got a phonecall confirmation of a cast member I'd been having trouble contacting for a while. The call ended extremely well and I just got fucking FIRED UP. I was so goddamn giddy and excited that I must've said the word "Great" two dozen times. I said it enough times anyway to freak out Andrew, I'm sure.
Great. It's GREAT! GREATAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HAAH HAHAA
Man. I'm in the prime of my life this year. I was never fully together enough in years past to make the most of it, it was always one thing or the other that was lacking. For instance if my body was in prime condition, my mind would be distracted/unfocused and I wouldn't have the necessary drive to flourish. If my mind was growing and expanding into different venues of thought and perspective, my body was rubbery shit from laziness and bad habits. But this year, I'm right there in the fucking zone. As in danger zone, highway to. I am excited, amped, all that and cheese fries, burning up with a passion to fucking unleash ESCO ARMAGEDDON and leave a big fucking monoskull shaped crater in the world. I feel so goddamn great right now I can't even mAN I CAN'T EVEN! IT'S SO FDUCKING GREAT!! KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES!
I'M CAPTAIN GREAT
P.S. giant dump trucks running over shit is the lamest fucking ending for anything ever |
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| Crunch time, more positive thinking, more pushups, hindu bombers |
[Mar. 18th, 2006|11:59 pm] |
It's only very recently, say within the past 3-6 months or so, that I've noticed a change in my thinking towards the present moment and putting things in perspective. My temper can still flare up but it goes away a lot faster than it used to. I'm a lot more positive and take changes in stride as opposed to pointlessly raging over changed circumstances. I can't say anything really triggered this new outlook although it might be a consequence of having a lot of bad things/lost work/failed opportunities happen on a regular basis. Having to deal but not lose my motivation.
Things really aren't so bad. I'm in great shape, I've got the bare necessities, supportive family, great friends, lots of creative ideas and the skill/ambition to pull 'em off. With all that, I have no reason NOT to feel good. So sometimes jobs come up and implode on me before they start (like this week). Can't dwell on it, it's over, not worth wasting time over what COULD'VE been, must move on and make the best out of the next thing- even if the next thing also fails or crashes on the runway. Nature of pursuit. I've been SAYING this shit for years but only now do I actively apply it, and I believe I'm much better for it. There are a million things people say and never actually employ.
All this has done wonders for my aspirations to carve a path in the woods. Not to mention just walking around- I see dozens of Mexicans on the streets hoping for work, teenage mothers trying to keep reign over their patience and their children, elderly fast food hirelings trying to make ends meet, homeless derelicts scrounging through refuse. I have to wonder what these people would be doing had they the opportunites to make the most of their creativity. Most people in the world are born into hard times and never know anything but work. This keeps me cognizant of my abilities and making the most of them.
New reality applied, this change of mind has helped me stay disciplined enough to exercise on a daily basis without fail. Before I've never been able to do a daily routine for very long before quitting (I know I'm repeating myself from last week but I just feel so damn resplendent basking in the unprecedented frequency of it all). It really doesn't take very much to stay in good shape either, only 30 minutes a day with basic exercises that don't even require equipment. The most important/difficult part is sticking with it EVERY DAY. It's easy to make excuses about time but it really isn't much at all. I associate my training as a precursor to dinner, thus I never miss either.
Inspiring story: Jeannie Schulz, widow of Charles Schulz, practices flying trapeze thrice a week at age 65.
Edit: I like doing cat pushups, aka hindu pushups, and recently read about dive bomber pushups which I hadn't heard of before. They're similar exercises but differ at the halfway point:
Left: Cat/Hindu pushups - Right: Dive Bomber pushups
Look at each one seperately to better notice the difference. While doing cats, after the pushup you keep the arms straight and drive the hips upward and back to the first position. On dive bombers you push down again, bending the elbows, and reverse the motion to the first position like moving underneath a bar. These are great full-body movements that do a lot for your back and shoulders as well as your arms, it helps build endurance too.
Unfortunately there are a sodding TON of bullshit debates on the internet over which one is better. WHO CARES. Why the hell can't you just do both, people? I only found ONE site in my search that actually had that same thought; "...there are some people who know the movements but want to argue over which one is better, Hindu Push-Ups or Dive Bombers. Ignore them. Both are good and each places a little more emphasis on different muscles than the other." -Gray Iron Fitness Blog. Since reading that I've started alternating them (one Cat followed by one Bomber) in my sets. I did 30 today and it just about killed me in a good way. It's definitely working my endurance like crazy go nuts so I want to try building up to 50 if possible. HOT TIME!
Edit edit: I used to think the terms endurance and stamina were more or less synonymous, but I found the difference while digging around today. Endurance refers to the combined continuous effort of lungs and muscles, whereas stamina is synonymous with aerobic capacity and is related to the capacity of lungs to supply oxygen.
-Endurance = the ability to run for a long time, e.g. 4 hours.
-Stamina = the ability to keep up a certain pace for an amount of time, e.g. 4 hours. |
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| Power of positive thinking and an assload of push-ups |
[Mar. 10th, 2006|03:48 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | daily, philosophy | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | fuckin' GREAT | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The B-52's - Good Stuff | ] |
I just finished working out and I feel so damn great I have to make an entry about it.
Ever worked out so hard your whole body just burned and tingled? That's the stuff right there man. I'm on FIRE. I feel like a trillion bucks. It's funny that before this year, holding down any kind of exercise routine on even an every-other-day basis was nigh impossible for any longer than a month. Then I'd stop and eventually start again after several weeks. But I dunno, this year's different. Power of positive thinking, man. You can't ignore your problems but you can't dwell on them either. Put everything in perspective, what really matters and should affect you, and how the good & bad always comes and goes. Yin and yang! No use in complaining or feeling sorry for yourself, climb out of that hole or just jump right over the shit before you slide in.
After I did my 3 sets of 30 triangles, I did 30 cats and 30 reverse cats. Then I felt all adventurous and tried some shit I hadn't done in years. Managed 5 one-handers on my right and barely 3 on my left (my left arm was so pathetic I was doing that shit in sections trying to get back up) during which I broke out in the heaviest sweat ever. Did 9 and a half fingertip push-ups before I fell on my face. Then on PD's recommendation I did 20 knuckle triangles, my whole body was like FUUUUUUUCK. I have to do these regularly now, it's a bomb exercise (NOTE TO SELF: CUT FINGERNAILS BEFORE DOING THESE AGAIN). Only did 10 handstand push-ups, I used to do 20. :( Gotta do those regularly too. Dang good stuff.
When I started this daily regimen in Feb, I could barely do 15 triangles before collapsing in a pathetic twitching heap. Now I can do about 40 at once. Regular push-ups are up to 65 in one go. My triceps are bigger and I can see all my abs again! PROGRESS! Sucks how society in this day and age want instant results for everything and don't even get started or stick to things for very long. BARNACLES to that, man. NOT THE GOAL BUT THE JOURNEY, MAKE IT ALL COUNT :D
Take me down where the love honey flows, kiss you nice, nibble your toes
Take me down where the good stuff grows, love you nice, tickle your nose
Good stuu-uuuff, gimme some of that goo-ood stuff
Good stuu-uuuff, gimme some of that good stuff
Now I'm swiftly inhaling a giant bowl of pasta and chicken in meatball sauce. I am gonna sleep like a champ today. I am wringing every bit of enjoyment out of the present moment. Supposed to be 100% chance of rain tomorrow, I will use that day for rest and get to drawing some hot new stuff and sexy short-haired womens!
High on life! BLIMEY THIS WATER IS COLD AND TASTES SO GOOD :DDDDD
Hey laaaaaaaaaay-dieeees, do you waaaaant it yeahhhhh
Hey felllllllll-aaaas, you got to ha-yve it, yeah-aah
EVERYBODY DANCE!
Winter in the valley. Is not so bad.
Hey mom and sis when you read this, draw something. On a piece of scratch paper or whatever. Like a dog wearing a fancy hat. Ought to keep it up one way or another if you've got the talent. HEY DAD! You too! And after you guys draw it, take a picture of it or scan it and email it to me. |
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| Get Ready For The Next Battle! *SHH-KOOM* |
[Mar. 8th, 2006|09:27 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | philosophy, work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | undefined! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jushin Liger vs Tiger Mask IV - Super J Cup 3rd Stage | ] |
"I once heard that the curse of Hollywood is not that ninety-nine percent of the time you're out of work; and your friends are mean to you, petty, peevish and angry; and everyone hates each other and is venal, full of spite, malice, bigotry, hatred and self-interest. No, that's not the curse. The curse is that the one percent of the time it's good, it's so good that you'll put up with all the bullshit just for that one time you can sit in a theater and go, 'Hey, that's my fucking name up there!'" ... "Around here, you've got the most highly concentrated, intensely distilled reservoir of absolute dread, with anyone who's ever wanted to be something lodged within an area about ten square miles of terror. It's a constant barrage of negative impulses. If you stay too long, you become infected by that vibe." -Shane Black (screenwriter), Rolling Stone interview
It's all true, man. This is a fucked up place. People lose their souls over time.
My mom and I talk about this on a regular basis; why exactly I'm here and how long I'll probably stay. I did come here to make a living in the entertainment industry, but I'm continually discovering just how far I'll allow myself to go or change for success. I would be a LOT more successful right now if I didn't stop myself from doing things I believe would change me for the worse. Fame is definitely overrated as it is.
So fame is no big deal, but I still want to be known for quality work. A level that lives up to my own expectation. Not necessarily anything significantly popular, I just want to make it with my mind and hands. Terrifyingly horrendous as this place is, the means are definitely here to make reaching my personal bar a realization. Most importantly in the collection of talented people I've come to know over the past... HOLY SHIT, ALMOST THREE YEARS?! now (but honestly not many that I'd trust implicitly). Taking the initiative to sally forth and hammer out a big project this year is my goal. The more I worked, particularly in 2005, I lost track of why I got interested in movies in the first place and let myself decline physically and creatively. I've put off making a film for over a year now and it's BULLshit. I let myself fall off the road. One way or another man, I'm gonna make some waves (puddle, lake, or ocean, who cares as long as I make a goddamn wave)
I know I can do it too. I see hella so-called 'important' people- they're great workers and professionals, but never make anything different or groundbreaking. Just dancing for the machine and making a ton of paper. Even on self-produced projects they somehow never do anything truly memorable and you wonder what the point was, because most people don't set out to make something mediocre/forgettable and yet it turns out that way. But still they remain highly capable at working in the system which stifles creativity in lieu of mainstream appeal and marketing. I don't want to get lost in the crowd of connections, evaluating new people on the odds they'll get me my next meal (re: steak and hot dog chasing each other on a desert island), smiling and nodding at fakes and blowhards because it's apparently 'good business'. And neither do I want to PLAY the game while risking my moral center only to finally get my chance when I've become a different person and my original aspirations have been lost in the shuffle.
Fuckin' A man what happened to honesty anyway? Too risky for the paycheck.
Unrelated: Ever have so many things to do you end up spending hours just deciding where to get started? I hate those days.
OH TO BE AN ARTIST I guess is what I is (thanks Ma). Just a-makin' shit difficult as hell for everyone and myself in order to shake things up on SOME level of consequence. Going against the grain, fighting against the tide, furrowing my brow a whole lot and shaking fists at the screen. I figure I'll be here for a few years yet, unfinished work and all that. WILL HE SUCCEED? TUNE IN NEXT DECADE!
Man I bet this is going to sound pretentious as hell when I reread it later.
ANDREW WRITE THAT GODDAMN SUMMARY YOU SLACKER FUCK
edit: Reread, not that bad :B
edit edit: A friend of mine has these particularly round hips (she's taken of course, curses and expletives at the heavens) and they have been ON my MIND. The visual is a great source of simultaneous comfort and frustration! WHEE. T_T
edit edit edit: Saved for posterity (3/10/06)
[12:03] Internet> So Esco
[12:04] Internet> About your entry regarding the trials of hollywood
[12:04] Internet> Are you feeling like the push you're making is kind of retarded or what?
[12:04] Internet> Or is it still very much worth the eventual pay-off?
[12:04] Internet> I gathered that you seemed to feel like you were selling your soul
[12:05] Esco> I did for a while when I was trying my hardest to get into the bowels of the system
[12:05] Esco> and I knew my habits were changing and I was letting my morals go in favor of connections
[12:06] Esco> with people who I didn't trust or like but they were "important to know" and shit
[12:06] Internet> Yeah
[12:06] carb> scary stuff
[12:06] Internet> Everyone has to compromise a bit like that, and I know what you mean
[12:06] Esco> so I'm just going at it to satisfy myself as opposed to what people SAY I should be doing to "make it"
[12:06] Esco> and get my movie done on my own terms
[12:06] Esco> famous or not
[12:07] carb> hell yeah Esco
[12:07] carb> I feel that way about the things I love too
[12:07] Internet> But I think that you're in it for the right reasons Esco
[12:07] Internet> Just for your personal fulfillment
[12:07] Internet> You really can't lose that way if you just enjoy the journey, IMO
[12:07] Esco> I agree
[12:07] Esco> who needs to be famous
[12:08] Esco> I've got friends and good times
[12:08] carb> hell yeah |
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| So what's the deal with this "growing up" nonsense? |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|10:40 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | philosophy | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | disparate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Björk - Joga | ] |
It's a kind of Björk, 80's Prince and David Bowie night. As it has been remarked, Bowie's Reality is top tier.
Over the past few months I've felt a change in who I am as a person. Could've been happening all year for all I know- this whole year has been one of particularly significant modification (in many separate aspects). It was a very slow and gradual change that I've always been at least partially conscious of, something all-encompassing that's affected my perceptions of the world and my behavior patterns. This is not something I can easily describe nor classify as positive or negative, all I know is that it's happened and I'm different now. I could never fully comprehend it or prevent it. I'm not going to bother trying to explain it or ask rhetorical questions, I've just been swept along with the tides.
Thoughts falling through my fingers, dum dum dum.
Maybe this is that whole 'maturity' thing I've heard about. =P
But it's bigger than that, bigger than a simple single definition. I'm seriously at a loss to explain it. The nuances of my mind have changed, but none so far that I can fully elaborate or compare the entirety of differences between my state of mind now to a previous time. I know it just sounds like the mind's normal evolution the way I'm writing it, but there's just SOMEthing BIGGER about this development. It was more of an acute difference in overall cognizance instead of building on current thoughts/habits.
Some changes recently realized upon reflection: I feel more responsibility in keeping myself physically and mentally sound. I feel far more removed from public opinion. I feel calmer & more patient (yet retaining most of my intolerances). I feel far less pressured by time in terms of achieving specific goals. I feel insignificant cosmically, but more comfortable in earthly terms. That much I can put into words right now, but like I said earlier, it's bigger than that. No easy answer to it, nor can I really expect one. This entry just happened because I realized how significant the gradational change had become.
Just gonna tumble down the rapids because there's no telling what's going to happen with those hazardous rocks coming up- despite my best efforts, I might get dragged across and fucked to hell, or I might just waver from side to side a bit but stay more or less in the relative safety of the middle. Who can tell? You can't look out for that meteor, it just might happen... good deeds or not.
Of course, none of this psychological blathering means I'm giving up my vices like video games, carbonated drinks, and an intense penchant for valuing the female posterior. That's just unthinkable.
Lauren's right, I do write a lot.
An afterthought:
If someone were to ask me what's important in my life, I'd say symmetry.
It's much more reasonable (imo) to recognize the cyclical nature of existence and go for maintaining mental balance in your ups and downs, as opposed to continually striving for constant pleasure and gratification which makes the pitfalls much more painful. This mindset has helped me greatly in hard times. |
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hungry
mad as fuck
sleepy