| So what's the deal with this "growing up" nonsense? |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|10:40 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | philosophy | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | disparate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Björk - Joga | ] |
It's a kind of Björk, 80's Prince and David Bowie night. As it has been remarked, Bowie's Reality is top tier.
Over the past few months I've felt a change in who I am as a person. Could've been happening all year for all I know- this whole year has been one of particularly significant modification (in many separate aspects). It was a very slow and gradual change that I've always been at least partially conscious of, something all-encompassing that's affected my perceptions of the world and my behavior patterns. This is not something I can easily describe nor classify as positive or negative, all I know is that it's happened and I'm different now. I could never fully comprehend it or prevent it. I'm not going to bother trying to explain it or ask rhetorical questions, I've just been swept along with the tides.
Thoughts falling through my fingers, dum dum dum.
Maybe this is that whole 'maturity' thing I've heard about. =P
But it's bigger than that, bigger than a simple single definition. I'm seriously at a loss to explain it. The nuances of my mind have changed, but none so far that I can fully elaborate or compare the entirety of differences between my state of mind now to a previous time. I know it just sounds like the mind's normal evolution the way I'm writing it, but there's just SOMEthing BIGGER about this development. It was more of an acute difference in overall cognizance instead of building on current thoughts/habits.
Some changes recently realized upon reflection: I feel more responsibility in keeping myself physically and mentally sound. I feel far more removed from public opinion. I feel calmer & more patient (yet retaining most of my intolerances). I feel far less pressured by time in terms of achieving specific goals. I feel insignificant cosmically, but more comfortable in earthly terms. That much I can put into words right now, but like I said earlier, it's bigger than that. No easy answer to it, nor can I really expect one. This entry just happened because I realized how significant the gradational change had become.
Just gonna tumble down the rapids because there's no telling what's going to happen with those hazardous rocks coming up- despite my best efforts, I might get dragged across and fucked to hell, or I might just waver from side to side a bit but stay more or less in the relative safety of the middle. Who can tell? You can't look out for that meteor, it just might happen... good deeds or not.
Of course, none of this psychological blathering means I'm giving up my vices like video games, carbonated drinks, and an intense penchant for valuing the female posterior. That's just unthinkable.
Lauren's right, I do write a lot.
An afterthought:
If someone were to ask me what's important in my life, I'd say symmetry.
It's much more reasonable (imo) to recognize the cyclical nature of existence and go for maintaining mental balance in your ups and downs, as opposed to continually striving for constant pleasure and gratification which makes the pitfalls much more painful. This mindset has helped me greatly in hard times. |
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| Comments: |
you ARE more mature. i've noticed.
and me... moving down to LA, being completely on my own for the first time, i've changed a LOT too this year. | |
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