Words sometimes don't seem to mean much

Goodbye.
If you want to contact me you may.

you wonder why I'm bitter...
its not just that i'm bitter, its that it still hurts. Just a thought about k. is enough to bring back a lot of the pain, seeing them, even for a fleeting moment brings it all back. suicide suddenly seems the best option. thankfully the music came and took me away.
but the dreams come and i can't sleep properly, i don't want to wake up and face the world. and then a letter. what do they want from me? why come back and torment me?
they took everything I was trying to build up. took away the foundations and everything gave way.
everyone's the same. i put trust in them, i give them all i can, its accepted and repaid with lies deceit and abuse.
only one hasn't done that yet.

don't worry. in a few days time this will be gone and you won't have to put up with me any longer.

they're not worth me dying over. there doesn't seem much else i can do, but i don't want to let them totally destroy me. there's no reason for me to live besides a peverse determination to try and oppose the absurdity and perversion of life. perhaps i can learn to live an authentic and absurd existence. both difficult prospects. authenticity: i know of nobody who lives authentically. i don't. i despise myself for it.

i leave you with a few words i read today:
"There are many causes for a suicide and generally the most obvious ones were not the most powerful. Rarely is suicide committed (yet the hypothesis is not excluded) through reflection. What sets off the crisis is almost always unverifiable. Newspapers often speak of 'personal sorrows' or of 'incurable illness'. These explanations are plausible. But one would have to know whether a friend of the desperate man had not that very day addressed him indifferently. He is the guilty one. For that is enough to precipitate all the rancours and the boredom still in suspension"

"The body's judgement is as good as the mind's and the body shrinks from annihilation. We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking. In that race which daily hastens us towards death, the body retains its irreparable lead"

Both of these are quotations of Albert Camus's "The Myth Of Sisyphus".

how i envy those of you who have faith. i can never gain that without becomming someone else, it is not in my nature. i think, i question, how can i accept anything on faith? i must at least have grounds in experience for my hypotheses and i must test them as far as i can. i cannot denounce the existance of a god, but i cannot worship or believe in it without good reason. what comfort it must be to have faith.

I hate your world.
It disgusts me, all the whoring, the pretence of caring, the lies and selfishness. I loathe the way it sucks people in, chews them up and spits them out on a whim.
Its almost destoyed me several times. Each time I think I'm free of it, it comes back and tries to destroy me. Its almost succeeded several times and its trying again now.
So I'm leaving it totally. I don't want anything to do with it. I want to be free to live my life without it coming back to attempt to destroy me.

Goodbye

Who else is going?
Anyone want to meet up beforehand?

I'm fed up with it all.
These people who say they care but then act in an entirely contrary way.
You look to them for help, but all they do is throw it back in your face and try to destroy what little you have left (congratulations by the way, you're getting very close)
People say one thing, and then change their mind when its to their advantage (ie when they realise they can get a fuck)
It all comes down to sex. As soon as you hit puberty that's all that matters. So long as you can get a fuck, nothing else matters. We like to pretend we're superior animals but all it comes down to is base animal instinct.

I'm fed up of living for other people. Defining myself by others. Trying to be what other people want, trying to make other people happy. But what am I? Nothing without other people. I hate that.

I tried to save you from drowning. I almost drowned myself. But you didn't hear my pleas for help, the person you wanted didn't ask you for help. You. You heard but didn't listen, just threw everything back at me, you always wanted to be the victim, you couldn't give back any of the help I gave you.

We're all disgusting. We all pretend to be something we're not.
I despise your chic. your kitsch. we're all just as bad as those we dislike.

We created love, so one can be the victim.

You didn't see me swallowing my tablets.
You didn't see me crying on the floor.
I'm basically nothing like this
We're all on the floor
I don't want to carry on
Except I can't even cease to exist
And that's the worst

Stephanie says that she wants to know
Why she’s given half her life, to people she hates now
Stephanie says when answering the phone
What country shall I say is calling from across the world

But she’s not afraid to die, the people all call her alaska
Between worlds so the people ask her ’cause it’s all in her mind
It’s all in her mind

Stephanie says that she wants to know
Why it is though she’s the door she can’t be the room

Stephanie says but doesn’t hang up the phone
What sea shell she is calling from across the world

But she’s not afraid to die, the people all cal her alaska
Between worlds so the people ask her ’cause it’s all in her mind
It’s all in her mind

She asks you is it good or bad
It’s such an icy feeling it’s so cold in alaska,
It’s so cold in alaska, it’s so cold in alaska

A question (brought on by a fit of hypochondria):

How long are people's fingers compared with the rest of their hand? (ie from wrist to lower knuckle)

The notes which come with TG24 have the following disclaimer:

Industrial Records and Throbbing Gristle will not be held responsible in any way whatsoever for the result of any physical, mental or structural damage either inflicted or incurred by the owner of this collection or any third parties.

Asked for by the legal people or a comment on the growing litigeous and blame culture of this country?