I'm not going to LJ cut this... If you want to bitch about the lenght and how it fucks up your OMG pretty layout 1!!11!, kinda pull your head from your own ass and take me off your friends list.

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I’ve been told by a few people now that sitting down and writing something out would be therapeutic, that I’d be able to get out what I can’t seem to make get past my lips.
Bear with me though, as it may wander here and there…

I’m just going to let it fly, so to speak. And I’m not going to censure myself. I’m NOT sorry if you’re offended in any way. This will relate to home, work, “friends”, family… don’t get your knickers in a knot (remember the Carly Simon song…)

And that’s a good place to start, actually. I have a really difficult time communicating. I’m sure working alone in the dead of night has contributed to that (not a soul to talk to), but I know it was an issue beforehand. I tend to bottle things, keep them to myself, thinking either that ‘nobody wants to hear this shit’ or worrying that I’m going to burdening people with my worries/problems.
As a result, when I DO communicate, even if it’s not on the topic that worries me, things tend to come flying out with much more intensity and emotion than necessary or intended. For this reason, I tend to do far more written communication than spoken. However, try as I might, no matter how many times I have someone else proof read, no matter how many times I write and rewrite things, I’m still taken as a ‘whiney bitch’, or angry and out of line, even when all I’m trying to do is suggest things constructively… SO, I tend to stop communicating and the cycle continues. This is exactly why most days I look uncomfortable in my own skin around other people. Heaven forbid I say something and offend.
And then there’s not being listened to or taken seriously.
I can bring up something that I mentioned not 5 minutes earlier, and 5 times out of 10, my husband won’t recall the conversation. Thanks for listening, babe.
Just last night I made the tearful comment “I’d rather NOT wake up.” while talking about my recent sleep troubles, and all I got in return for finally opened up was “Don’t be silly.”
This brings me to the conclusion that I should continue to keep things to myself, as those that DO listen and read take things the wrong way, and those that I choose to share the truly important with, don’t listen.

I work my ass off both at work, and at home. The majority of the time my actions go unnoticed. It’s only when I don’t do something that it’s noticed. NOT when I do something extra or different, NOT when I spend the majority of my time taking care of everyone else’s to do lists and needs, but when I take a small amount of time to take care of my own. There’s no reward or gratification in this… only worry that something will be missed, and I will be scolded… no matter how it came to be that something was missed. Who cares? It only matters that it wasn’t done.

It’s become apparent to me lately that people I thought I could trust and count on are not the people I thought they were. These are people that I may have thought were friends, people that I thought I could ask for help and understanding, people that I believed I was part of a team with, people I thought I could talk with, and have them listen…
People that are only in touch when it’s convenient for them, and can’t be reached when you want to do something as little as say hi…
People that forget important things, but would be livid if you forgot those things about them (birthdays for one)…
People who stand you up time and time again, even though they (should) know that you’ve made special plans to spend time with them in the first place…
People who will leave you helpless in the middle of a medical emergency, and then tell you not to ask them for help anymore…
People who you’ve made a point to go out of your way for in the past can’t be bothered to return a favour, even though they’re fully capable. – These are also the people that know I have a hard time saying no, and take full advantage of the situation. I help help help, give, give, give usually winding up ill and tired from it (because if you say no, you’re a horrible person, don’t you know), and when I’m sick and tired, is there help for me? I needn't answer that.

I’m done giving, helping, going out of my way.
I’m done trying to make sure that everyone else is happy and unoffended, and I’m going to pay attention to my own needs first for a fucking change.

Sadly, I’m also done feeling and caring, and have been for quite some time.
Numb is starting to feel comfortable and normal… it certainly beats feeling let down and frustrated.

And now, I’m going back behind my little brick wall. I don’t want your comments or sympathy; I just wanted those of you who give a shit (or at least pretend to) to know where I’m at.

Do with it what you will.

6 months, and I've logged in three times.
I think it's safe to say that I'm pretty much done here.


Merry Christmas, Happy New Years and all that crap.

Seeing as I'm using this rarely, we might as officially call this a hiatus.
I'm sure I'll peek in now and then, but don't count on it.

JEN!!!

Your Moo cards went out in the mail yesterday.
Please let me know when you get them??

So, I took part in the ten free cards thing from Moo printing...
Cards came in the mail today, but they weren't mine.

Woops.

ETA: Got an email from the girl who's cards I got - apparently she has gotten someone elses cards as well.
Moo is reprinting both of our sets of cards, and I will most likely mail her first set to her. I wonder if I can find out who got mine???

Cancer:
Someone's awfully sassy lately. This crackling celestial energy means that communication could go haywire when you least expect it. So watch your mouth, and make sure your words aren't contradicting your tone.



And your point is?

Holy crap.. it's right - bwahah

No wonder the U.P. is under weather advisories until FRIDAY! Check out the direction on that puppy!

( Weather Map )

Mika is pretty.

That is all.

Oh yeah.. this too

http://msnpresents.msn.com/mika/artist.aspx?mkt=en-ca

It's fucking snowing :(

Now that I'm up far too early and already in a heightened state of annoyance, I've decided to import all of my music into iTunes...
This is all fine and dandy, except it appears that you can only import albums/folders one at a time..
I've got about 400 of the fuckers to import.

There HAS to be a quicker way to do this..

Designating iTunes as my default player for my music doesn't seem to be taking either - figured I'd try that before I bothered trying to import.


Anybody?



Anybody?

Jeff Goldblum just said "sweet monkey love"!
*dies happy*

ETA - "coo coo for cocopuffs"

Norm just had on a "History of New Music" podcast.

Stephen Hawking is a Depeche Mode fan.

Just one giant fuck you to the majority of the human population today.

Also, welcome, Seasonal Affective Disorder. I thought I told you last winter to go choke on a dick. Teh brain doesn't know how to deal with you.

Jager plz.

Now.

Lots of it.

Posting publicly so that Norm can share some nifty shit with you in the comments.

Enjoy!

*geek*