| My manifesto, my jihad |
[July 26, 2008 @ 1:39am] |
"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses."
- St. Paul, 2 Corinthians 12:5 (NIV)
I have to admit, a big reason I have this journal/blog and why I'm making so much if it public is that I have this never-ending problem and I want to know how to get it solved. Surrender is not an option, and suicide is DEFINITELY not an option, because suicide is the ultimate admission of defeat.
I'm one of those "difficult" cases in psychiatry. I elude labels, and I've gotten a few: Aspeger's disorder (when it was called "high-functioning autism"), attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder. And then there are other much less clinical and much more insulting labels not needed to be discussed here.
(I'll leave all the medical diagnoses and possible diagnoses aside for now.)
( Cut for length. )
So while I wait for "the cure", if there is or ever will be one, the least I can do is be open about it. I've been afraid of the stigma long enough. I can bear ridicule and rejection if I knew it was for the good of one other person who doesn't have the awareness and experience I have.
I've learned plenty in my 37-plus years of holy war. What would that make me if I wasn't willing to share this knowledge and wisdom?
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| How the foolish make hard what the wise make easy |
[July 25, 2008 @ 10:48pm] |
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I found this quote on a Buddhist site, but it makes sense for any religion:
"Every religion consists of not only the teachings of the founder of that religion but also the rites and ceremonies which have grown up around the basic core of the teachings. These rituals and ceremonies have their origins in the cultural practices of the people who accepted the religion. Usually the founders of the great religions do not lay down precise rules about the rituals to be observed. But religious leaders who come after them formalize the religion and set up exacting codes of behavior which the followers are not allowed to deviated from."
I discovered that truly spiritual people teach ways of spirituality that are reasonably and suprisingly easy. It's the unspiritual leaders of a faith that creep in during the history of the faith that make it hard, so they can control and oppress. They don't really serve God or Ultimate Truth, but commit a form of self-worship: autolatry, the worst form of idolatry.
(I've never been a Buddhist, but I've been influenced by some degree of the Buddha's teachings since high school, when I was still a Southern Baptist. And Sufism and Buddhism have a lot in common.)
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| do antipsychotics help in divination? |
[July 25, 2008 @ 11:00pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Hi all,
I discovered I can pretty much reliably pick lucky packs of Magic the Gathering cards (say, 90% of the time I get expensive cards, although I can't pick out specific cards). A few weeks ago I had to go off abilify (antipsychotic, taken for anxiety & a few psychotic symptoms, such as feeling slightly out of sync with my body - about an inch or so behind it, to be specific - & seeing things out of the corner of my eye when I'm tired) due to financial reasons, & I find it's very hard to pick lucky packs now. Does anyone else have any comparable experiences?
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| Atypical Antipsychotics |
[July 25, 2008 @ 9:49pm] |
I am/was taking Geodon pretty much the last resort along the atypical line. Since then I have developed uncontrollable diabetes. I mention that to the PDOC every visit and she just shrugs. It's gotten so bad I do not know what pill is doing what.
Can they take your disabilty away for refusing to take anti-psychotics? I've had adverse effects from every single one.
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[July 26, 2008 @ 12:37am] |
Littlr bit drunk.
Sneakily ran away from 14yo chavs who wanted my booze. 9yo threatened to "shiv" me. hahahahaha
eating microwave sweet + sour
then going sleep
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| Ich habe Harry Potter! |
[July 25, 2008 @ 4:55pm] |
Went to the library this afternoon. Besides getting three children's books in German, I got some stuff by Michael Shermer, Christopher Hitchens, and Bertrand Russell. I'm really digging stuff based around skepticism and science right now. Also I picked up a history of mathematics. I love that kind of thing.
A blogger over at Science-Based Medicine recommended The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. I contributed to a conversation there about whether or not anti-psychotics should be given to teens who might eventually have a psychotic break. (My vote is no -- psych meds are too dangerous to give them to anyone who isn't severely ill.) The author of the post wants my opinion on Saks' book, as it's an account of schizophrenia by a successful professional who has the illness. So I'm reading that first.
PT and the gym went well. I also went to the pharmacy for Mike. Not a bad afternoon in all.
In a few minutes I'm going to fix mac and cheese for dinner. Tasty.
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| Camping Weekend = Cancelled |
[July 25, 2008 @ 8:49pm] |
Reky pissed off the guy giving us all a lift down, so now I have no way of getting there. I don't normally name names, but I'm really fucking pissed off about this. I didn't even hear there were problems until I got to READING where I was supposed to meet them all tonight.
Alpha tried to fix the mess, but to no avail. I can't afford to get there by myself on such short notice. I tried to get my transport arranged in advance because of this so I could make pre-booking savings, but despite Reky's insistence things were all okay, they've turned out to be a turd in a top hat.
I'm really upset about this. I've been looking forward to it for weeks. It's been over a year since I last got to go camping, and nearly a decade since I was able to with a big group of friends.
And I'm out £12.45 in train tickets.
Fuckfuckfuckfuck.
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| My latest video. |
[July 25, 2008 @ 3:44pm] |
Published today 7.25.08
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| virginia |
[July 25, 2008 @ 9:56am] |
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my trip to virginia was great. paul's parents are really nice and we got along great. they took us to jamestown, yorktown, and the national aquarium in baltimore. we visited his grandparents in pennsylvania too. they have a huge pic of me and paul in their house, it was funny. and we fed huge carp a bunch of dog food together, it was fun. we visited the boy scout camp paul worked at for 10 years. it was cool seeing how much respect everyone there gave him (he had actually ran the whole camp during part of those 10 years). and we went to shenendoah national park. we camped 2 nights and went on a 7.8 mile hike. we met his parents there and hiked and ate with them. and then the second day we were about to hike when i rubbed sunscreen in my eyes and literally couldn't keep them open for nearly 24 hours! it hurt so bad. i was bummed cuz i wanted to do another hike but i really couldn't. oh and i beat paul in scrabble by over 50 points! super exciting. and we even got his parents playing. his mom bought us super scrabble (twice as big with quadruple letter/word scores). that was fun. it lasts forever with just 2 people, but it is great for four. and paul and i had lots of time to talk about stuff. we went through like every state and talked about whether we would like to move there or not. i think it helped him see where i would be ok moving, but it also just taught us a lot about each other. oh and another interesting thing. paul's parents had us sleep in separate rooms, but it was done with total respect and reasonableness. at ryan's mom's i always felt judged and insulted, but it wasn't like that at all. really awesome. i really like his parents.
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[July 25, 2008 @ 6:34am] |
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I'm an insomniac. For some reason I can't sleep anymore, I'm lucky if I get 3 hours. This is especially troubling because when I can't sleep I get stressed out...when I get stressed out....the schizophrenia kicks it. My thought processes are stopping and and things "crawling" on me. I went out and bought some OTC sleep meds, which didn't work. So what do I do? Take two when it says only to take one. It's only an OTC it's not like I'm going to OD and die. Well it gave me mild convulsions and I wondered if I'd wake up in the morning. I wasn't scared enough to call 911, I mean, what if I wasn't ODing and just having a bad reaction? I'd feel silly....Being found dead 3 days later, bloated and disfigured with great hair was less of a humiliation. Needless to say I didn't die. The addict in me will not take this as a lesson, I'll probably end up doing it again.
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| Todays stuff |
[July 25, 2008 @ 11:28am] |
Well, he should know..
'Wall Street got drunk' says Bush
I'm sure someone else has posted it, but goodness. Copied from the embedded video:
It is certain..
There's no question about it.
Wall Street got drunk.
That's one reason I asked you to turn off your TV cameras.
It got drunk and now it's got a hang-over.
The question is how long will it sober up?
And not try to be all these fancy financial instruments.
And then we got an housing issue, not in Houston...
Evidentially not in Dallas, because Laura was there trying to buy a house today.
*laughter*
Shout from audience:What about Crawford?
I like Crawford...
But unfortunately after eight years of asking her to sacrifice...
I'm now no longer the decision maker!
She'll be deciding - thanks for the suggestion!
I suggest you don't yell it out when she's here.
And later, to her I said "Hey, we've been on government pay for 14 years, so slow!"
Spammers are scum:
BENNETT, Colo. - A convicted spammer fatally shot his wife and young daughter in an apparent murder-suicide Thursday while being sought after escaping prison last weekend, authorities said.
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"What a nightmare, Eid and such a coward," said. "Davidson imposed the `death penalty' on family members for his own crime."
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Davidson, 35, was sentenced in April to 21 months in prison and ordered to pay $714,139 in restitution to the IRS after pleading guilty to falsifying header information to send spam e-mail, tax evasion and criminal forfeiture.
21 months in prison and a fine equels killing yourself and murdering your family? Asshole.
The SOLA - Static Obesity Logging device
It's a BMI (body mass index) surveillance device.
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| Practicing German |
[July 25, 2008 @ 6:03am] |
I just wrote my first email to Jens in German. Hopefully he won't have cause to laugh very hard. :)
I'm glad I bought a dictionary. It came in very handy.
I look forward to learning past and future tenses. Kind of annoying to only be able to write about the present. Soon, though...
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| automatic twitter feed by loudtwitter |
[July 24, 2008 @ 11:52pm] |
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| Bleh |
[July 25, 2008 @ 12:36am] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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T.V.: That '70s Show |
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I decided not to call a helpline. I feel that it's not entirely necessary. Well, actually, I still want to call, but since I'm not suicidal or in any danger, there's probably not much they can help me with. They'd probably tell me to go see a therapist, which I really need to do. Anyway, I'm still rather bummed out about my life and the way it has been going, but I'm okay. I just wish that things didn't happen the way they did. I just feel so terrible about it. :-( I plan to write about all this crap in my other journal. Hopefully, it will help me to feel better.
On a lighter note, I'm going to my grandmother's house tonight to help her with her hair and we're going to Ohio for the weekend. We're going to see my godparents and their new church. My godfather is the new pastor, and we wanna see what his new church is like. So, after I go to sleep in a few hours, I'm going to get ready to go on this little trip. I would looove to see my godparents and godsiblings again. :-)
I gotta figure out what I'm gonna do with my life at this point. I think my plans may drastically change again. :-/ Thanks to all you guys who commented on my last entry. :-) I really appreciate that♥
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| The River Of Swans~Poem # 14 |
[July 24, 2008 @ 8:01pm] |
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Uneven resolutions, the snow light makes
me blind, as if I were ending it all beside the rapture of
some newer star. Unconscious song, a penumbra of tree shadows,
thoughts of Grace waver between an absolute black and your
fullest light. Acceptance beset the vacant motels of every
uncertain dreaming, and at the still point of our healing, far
beneath the calming center, there the Winters of our
passion breathe a patient evolution of one makers insistence.
As the hoar frost contemplates the enthralling sun, I could really
never believe an unkind mentation, though your white face today
feels somehow unreal, again my numbed fingers trace the cenotaph and in total
darkness I seek a name.
Late Autumn
1995
Revised
7/24/2008
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| i am LOLing all over the place |
[July 24, 2008 @ 12:55pm] |
DC Scene Drama in the City Paper, click if you want to laugh at goth kids!
Man, this is CLASSIC.
BAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHHAHA
I'd quote some of hte best lines, but there are really just too many.
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| the ultimate paranoid fantasy |
[July 24, 2008 @ 4:12am] |
Russians experimented with telepathy in the 1950's. By hooking up a mother rabbit to eeg, ekg, and other biofeedback instruments, and keeping her babies on a submarine 500 kilometers away, with no radio contact, at non predetermined times, then killing her babies and watching her vital signs swing wildly.
Thus proving telepathy in higher mammals. Searching for organized harassment and mind control voices, one comes across much technology designed to do just that. The -Remote Viewing- program. Scientology and their -Telepathic Operating Thetan- levels.
and of course, of course, yoga mystics, bearded hindu's who will not answer any of your spiritual questions,
confuse you, and tell you nothing, because of their own greed for fame and attention.
If you sit with a person and look into each others eyes until everything dissolves away, soon they can see and hear each others' minds.
Oh how jealous the rest of the world gets, even family and friends, over a few moments of unfettered lucidity.
Oh how people will jump in and tell them, from all directions, that there is a better foundation than complete understanding and unconditional love. That's their game, and they don't know why they play.
There isn't any better foundation than unconditional love, and sometimes it's difficult to tell those with a lower thresh hold of pain -physical, psychic, emotional, spiritual- that they are wrong.
people always cut off pieces of their soul and check the mirror, to see how many pieces others are missing,
hoping no one notices, hoping that they are average.
In a vain attempt to hide their own faults, which they don't know or want how to fix, they label others
insane, or other labels and say to their mirror
'with a foot above these losers, I'm one step ahead of the game'
the reason there is no word for this sentiment, is because they control the language,
feeling that, knowing that that is how someone thinks, without being able to explain it to them
is, in their words 'feeling schizophrenic'
We didn't make all the problems in the world, but oh how much cover up, drugs, lies and
incomplete excuses they will make to completely take advantage of that, and ignore
that which they do not understand.
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| Light&Shadow |
[July 24, 2008 @ 12:03am] |
High
diamonds
sparkle
& turn now>
Sun bright
[est] rain/
Slow drops
still falling
after departed
grey/
After
Storm-
light's
passage,
I imagine
a drift
of lost
cassia leaves
like an
"escape from
time".
Beyond
my old
window,
a wander
of Crows
dis-
quiets
the dusk-
fall.
7/23/2008
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