| bodhisattva (detail) |
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| 04:18pm 26/05/2008 |
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mood: awe music: Aphex Twin, "Beskhu3epnm"
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Basically, life is getting more real. Happiness, disappointment, diseases, and life goes on. Books become escape, and aren't actually lovers and children. They are books as sadly as television is television. Everything is as it is, rather than how I saw it or experienced it.
It feels like the start of a fall, when your feet are still technically on the ground, when it's just so barely beyond the horizon of potential recovery. But it doesn't feel like falling, it just feels like that exact position, before your brain even deals with noticing you can't do anything, before even notices what you might do if it weren't that moment too late.
But it doesn't feel bad.
Also, I'm redefining my life. I started with the idea of love, and now I'm on to exploring heroes. It's like sound, and peeling away all the dark grey and red and yellow-ochre and dark green and steel-blue tendrils, everything that's attached but you know is not quite purely the sound, until all that's left is the only-thing-worth-living-for, comfortably-reassuring "om." It's remembering, step by step, in detail, that the "om" is in there, in everything, and that the panic or fear or happiness or whatever you're feeling is an illusion, because you know true peace and happiness and love, and you know "this" isn't it, no matter how good or real it feels, because even when you forget what nirvana feels like, you at least remember it feels better than this.
And also, since these illusions are there, then you have to understand it's most rational to assume you put them in there, for some better or worse reason. If you figure out which were for good reasons and which for bad reasons, and if you decide to replace the ones that were "for good," then still remember that you're placing illusions between yourself and nirvana. Remember it's unneccesary, and remember later why you did it, for what good reasons you did it. Because if you're not still persuing that "good" goal, then your illusions aren't doing you any good any more. And remember that, ultimately, they never were, never are, and never will. |
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| what i'm doing NOW |
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| 10:04am 25/04/2008 |
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how ridiculous. (i've been using that word a lot lately.)
i moved to tucson for what i thought would be one or two months. i thought i knew what i was doing with my life; i thought i'd known for years.
a friend of mine moved out here shortly after i did (like, a day later) to get his head on straight. to find, i like to think, a place of mindfulness. instead, he and i recreated the world of comfort i had been escaping from. but within this comfortable place, i think we did find some mindfulness.
i KNOW i did. i met someone and had a chance, candid conversation which extended to several months, and was amazed at the level on which we were communicating. i was *thrilled.* i was *electrified.*
now what i thought i'd known i would be doing with my life was, i was stopping in tucson during what i expected to be a short wait until i was accepting at the nyingma institute in berkeley. i was going to commit to full-time buddhist studies and, after a couple of years, become the full-fledged monk i'd been studying to be since 2005. it's what i left college in 2001 for, in the first place.
instead, i met this girl, and got caught up in a whirlwind adventure. it should come as no surprise that i decided not to be a monk any longer, when i thought i might marry this girl.
now this is how i see things: life is trying to talk to us, and when we listen, when we understand what it's saying (in a language that really doesn't translate to english), then it's amazing. but when we don't listen, life tries to tell us in another way. when i was on this adventure with this girl, i was listening to life. when she moved in with me, i wasn't. it did not take life long at all to stop talking to me through that girl.
now this is also how i see things: when i'm listening to life, i have been able upon occasion, to share what it's said to me with others. people listen to me, agree with me, and i try to help them see how this is all around, all the time, for-the-love-of-god-listen.
but when she moved in with me, she and i immediately started building up walls, made of fear, to protect ourselves, to overcome the discomfort of being so vulnerable all day, every day. i only had to build one wall: between me, and my ability to speak the words that come to me.
she left. like i said, when life doesn't get through, it finds another way to speak to us. so i heard what it said next. from between 11 june and 31 december last year, i made $993. life told me to move to seattle, and within a day i was able to save up $1415. (this is one of those ways life talks to me.) that was 5 march. right now i'm [procratinating, but should be] packing up my car. i leave for seattle tomorrow, after having spent quality time with my family and friends, and given notice at work, etc.
i still wasn't happy about what happened about the girl, though. i don't like having walls up, especially with someone i've learned, and can continue to learn so much from. so this morning, [me, being all about the last-minute action] i called her on her way to work. and i finally overcame my belief in this imaginary wall. it was very 'labyrinth' -- you have no power over me! and i was able to talk to this girl like i haven't been able to since january.
how nice.
now, to pack, and move to seattle, and become a journalist, and maybe (just maybe!) acquire some things (what with i've abandoned much of my possessions in my journey to becoming a monk) like a bed, and bookshelves, and maybe even a new computer. yeah, i hear that helps with the journalist angle. |
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| the unread past |
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| 09:56pm 25/08/2007 |
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---Oct 19, 2006 6:14 PM (Charissa)
1. Ever punch someone in the face? Do siblings count?
2. How old are you? 21
3. Are you single or taken? Status is single, yet I'm very taken with a few people.
4. Eat with your hands or utensils? Usually my hands
5. Do you dream at night? At times.
6. Ever seen a corpse? I've seen several animal corpses, and I saw a bloody mess of a man that I thought was going to be a corpse very quickly.
7. have you ever wished someone dead? Yes.
8. Do You Like Bush? *breaks into song* No Neva! No NEVA!
HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ...
9. Whats your philosophy on life? and death? This could take a while...
10. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: I'm crazy.
11. do you trust the police? Some more than others.
12. Do you like country music? There are one or two songs I find tolerable.
13. Do you think I'm attractive? Attractive yes, although I doubt I could ever find myself attracted to you.
14. If you could change anything about yourself would you? I wouldn't mind straight, white teeth, and healthy gums...
15. Batman or Superman? Probably batman, nocturnal creatures are just sexy.
16. What do you wear to sleep? Whatever I stumble into bed in.
17. Have you ever peed in a pool? while you were still in it? When I was very young.
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to? I suppose it all depends on what the evidence was for. But more than likely
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? If you only had one day to live I highly doubt you'd be spending it with me.
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? I suppose I could.
---Oct 14, 2006 11:48 AM (Shelby)
RE: RE: RE: Let's rock!
Hey ya! I did a shift swap for Friday. I shall be there for the party! Yay! I should get there around 6 or 630, depending on traffic. : )
---Mar 20, 2006 12:23 AM (Michael)
RE: at least my birthday's coming up
Just got around to this.. I'm 22.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
How fancy. :o)
---Feb 27, 2006 2:58 AM (Court)
MySpace Calendar Event Reminder
You’ve got a MySpace calendar event coming up on Mar 1 2006. This is the friendly reminder you requested.
[March 1 2006]
---Jul 23, 2005 2:12 AM (Barbara)
RE: RE: RE: well then.
alas, no. it's a shame really. when i have to have epic battles with the forces of evil, taking a quick make out break always cheers me up. it's something i learned from indiana jones.
i also have some theories about who rab is and where the locket is. i don't know if you read the mugglenet stuff or anything like that, but i agree with them but have taken it a bit further.
---Sep 29, 2005 4:53 AM (Anthony)
3rd trip was
very very exhausting...round trip with no sleep...
oscar is sending me some money to finance a 4th trip for 2nd week of october... do you think you can attend? :-) With a little more planning that I am used to we could arrive en force.
did you go to tx?!
aj
---Feb 17, 2005 12:24 PM (Tom)
Welcome To MySpace!
Hi Court,
Welcome to MySpace, the best place to connect with friends on the Net!
I'm Tom, and I'm here to help you with MySpace. If you have any questions, comments, or just want to say Hi, feel free to send me a message! You can also check the FAQ for the most frequently asked questions.
How do you get started?
On MySpace you share your profile, photos, blogs, and messages with a fast-growing network of people connected to you by your friends.
The first thing to do is to invite your friends -- then when they invite their friends you'll all be connected!
Click Here: Invite Friends
I'll see you on MySpace!
Tom
P.S. One thing I can't help you with is HTML/decorating your profile; sorry! |
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| you don't belong here anymore |
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| 03:54am 29/07/2007 |
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i used to lay in her bed, quietly crying while she slept. once, she woke up, and i explained that to her, and she told me i should wake her up when that happened, that she'd be there for me.
that was years ago, but it's tonight, too. except i can't wake her up. her dad died. her sleep, her sadness, her loss, her everything takes priority. says me. i've mourned my loss of her over and over again, and no matter how many tears, how many sleepless nights, i'll not be granted closure. i want her so badly, mind, soul and body, that the wanting feels like life, and the not having feels like death. i've got the first truth nailed: i am suffering. but the years and fears and exhaustion have yielded no answer to the second truth: what is causing me to attach so desparately?
the focus: in two hours, i'm getting a ride to the airport. this time, right now, while she's sleeping and i'm typing, this is it. the last moments i have with her for God knows how long. months, years, ever. from this point, anything's possible, because like it or not, ready or not, live or die, i'm letting go. i knew i could never simply do it, so i took away the option. so this is the last of our times, and she's sleeping, and i'm typing and regardless of how true it is, i have to accept the fact that i'll never hold her again, kiss her again, run my fingers through her hair again, just as sure as she'll never have breakfast or go to the movies with her dad again. (even if this is not true, she and i have discussed and mutually understood that we'll never be together unless we've both accepted this. it is about accepting impermanence. not accepting is grasping a non-reality, because the only reality is change.)
she accepted this long ago enough that i can't share it with her. she's been here, she's done that, she's moved on. so i don't know who i can share this with. hence, blog. |
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| forever, minus a day. |
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| 09:33am 03/05/2006 |
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Wow, I haven't been here in a while, have I?
That might change, now that I will have free time for the first time in four months. Free time and my own internet connection for the first time something like two YEARS... Oy.
But for now, Mark and I are going to spend the day watching Lost, Season 2, which I purchased from iTunes yesterday to celebrate the end of school. |
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| as good as it gets |
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| 04:50pm 01/12/2005 |
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mood:  discontent music: teenage fanclub: thirteen
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"If sewing a sleeve on would save my life, I would die for sure." I am sitting in a room of mothers, waiting for my sister's homeschool group to end. The mother who cannot sew was in my graduating class. I'm listening to all these women talking about knitting. Katie's in love with someone new, I just read. My family moves away this weekend. I wish this was just a bad dream.
So you know, fuck all that and fuck all this. I got $800 in the mail yesterday, I'm getting an apartment and I'm going to school and if I think life ought to be better than this then fuck me too. |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| spring 2006 |
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| 06:19pm 20/11/2005 |
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mood:  nervous music: sigur ros (coming to Nashville Feb 14)
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This time last week my plan was to move in with my father in Texas, and apply to UT Austin. But my plans have changed. You know, like they always do.
Right now I'm in the 'Boro with my friend Mark, and we've been looking for a place to live. I'm re-accepted at MTSU, and am looking to start classes in January.
Everything is changing this winter. My family is moving to Arizona, Katie is leaving to go to school in London, and Mark, Nathan and I are going to live together.
This is nuts. |
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Read 5 - Post |
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| waking poorly |
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| 05:21am 12/08/2005 |
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Shit, it is early. Since I am taking any and every chance to hey away from that house, I took John to the bus station and am now waiting at B&C to have breakfast with Kelli.
I am way to tired to think about being at work for 11 hours, but if I call out or leave early, I'd just have to go back to that house... |
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| email |
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| 01:46pm 27/04/2005 |
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mood: wasting ANOTHER day music: NIN: with teeth
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So I have a new email address, and I elected to keep it simple and obvious:
crdonner@tmo.blackberry.net
this is for my new phone, so once i hit the road folks can write to me (while the aol account lives on, alasalack@aol.com will forward to the device as well; due to the unique nature of gmail, ereiamjh@gmail.com will not forward). and while on the subject, anybody who'd like to receive postcards from the road should provide a mailing address. |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| This Isn't Right At All |
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| 02:41pm 14/04/2005 |
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music: Tori Amos: 1,000 Oceans
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You Are the Challenger |
8
You're brave, impulsive, and gutsy - loving challenges.
You act first and think later. And you're not afraid to speak up.
You are confident, so much so that you can be a bit bossy at times.
Whether people like it or not, you always stand up for yourself.
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| 09:43am 14/04/2005 |
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People may think of the Celts as being mystical,
but they also kicked butt. Perhaps it is that
you prefer roving chiefdoms over a rigid
empire, or maybe you just enjoy the fancy knot
designs.
What is your ancient civilization?
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| I was getting ready to be a threat |
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| 10:19am 30/03/2005 |
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mood: waking up music: Andrew Bird's Bowl of Fire: Sovay
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I'm neither mad nor manic, but I don't I think the last post is what I wish to be seen if/when someone loads up my page.
So this is what is going on in my life, or rather in lives of the people that are in my life:
My mother... is somewhat unhappy in her job as a nurse. A few weeks ago, my father asked how she liked it, because she'd always wanted to be a nurse. I replied, "yeah, until she became one." I think she feels she has a responsibility to be a nurse because A) to provide for the family but also B) because she walways wanted and worked so had to become one. What she'd really like to do is use our old farm land to make an herb garden and sell herbs and herb-related products online.
My father... has been living with a cousin for what's become years, and finally has a real job and is getting an apartment of his own. He hasn't mentioned any horrible experiences with his health lately and that's good.
My step-father... has shaved his head because he think it makes him look sexy. He also has been taking care of my mom and sister when they are sick, and he even called me one day to tell me he'd been thinking of me and wanted to make sure I was okay. We're considering that this is probably some sort of mid-life crisis.
My sister... is still being homeshooled, but lives vicariously through anime and manga. She is wickedly addicted to television. Depression makes her life worse than it makes mine. She really is a great kid, though, and is starting to do a lot more thinking of her own.
Jeremy... is moving to Hawaii in less than a week. He's on a search for wisdom, and all power to him. If the life of anybody in my life has inspired me to live, it is his. I'm sending him on his way with copies of Siddhatha and The Dharma Bums.
Katie... is a college freshman in Vermont, where it is beautiful. She's playing like a freshman should, playing at drinks, playing at boys. She knows these are experiences that she wants and needs, but at the same time needs that it's certainly not real life for her and so she gets deep sometimes, too. She takes meditative baths with a washcloth and a bowl, since there is no bathtub to speak of. She is not my girlfriend any more.
Chris... met a girl that he fell in love with because she got him out of his room and Doing Things, however by now he's his old self and has changed her -- neither of them leave the house much now it seems. They are engaged now.
Nathan... has no job and lives at home with his parents for the time being. He spends his time working out at the gym and helping his dad build a storage building in their back yard.
Court... is getting more dissatisfied with life (as it is) by the day, and is considering quitting his job and all its benefits so roam the land and just learn things. The books Siddhartha and The Dharma Bums are pretty important to him at the moment right now too. He can't seem to listen to anything but The Dresden Dolls, Bright Eyes, The Streets and Andrew Bird lately... |
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| oh, the neverending stream of words that come out of this mouth |
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| 01:15pm 14/12/2004 |
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mood: ----- music: jeff buckley: hallelujah
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you have to hit the ground before you can get back up |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| in brief |
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| 12:47am 30/11/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy music: Mindy Smith: Come to Jesus
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Miller High Life comes with a twist-off cap, but my apple cider requires a bottle opener? That's what this world is coming to?? Also, a 12-pack of bottles of the beer somes to $5 cheaper than a dozen bottles of Coke?
I bought the latest Tom Waits CD today. It's a far cry from Small Change (the only other of his CDs I own, and my favorite of what I've heard) but having listened to half of it, I think it's safe to say I like it.
I bought the Mindy Smith CD today. I had only heard the once song off it, so I never knew where to look for it. I looked in pop/rock. I looked in counrty. I looked in contemporary Christian. Tower had it in pop/rock, however... well, let me tell you: the girl thanks Dolly Parton personally in the liners. It's that country. And yet, it's good. I'd fall alseep if I listened to it in the car, but it's good.
I bought the majority of my Xmas gifts over the past two days. I spent eight hours and a lot of money at Opry Mills yesterday, and went back again today for seconds. I've got Katie taken care of, and part of mom, Jenny and dad. And I got housewarming gifts for me & Kate & Mrs Samberg, as we're moving into Bellevue proper between Xmas and 2005.
I also started writing out Xmas cards to mail out. Rather than sending them out to all my friends, I will be sending them to extended family -- because if you guys think you don't hear from me often, you have no idea. I haven't spoken to my mom's side of the family in years and years, and I feel horrible about it. So I've got 15 cards, and at least ten are going to Texas. I think a whole two are going to stay within TN. Also, I think I'll have to find another box of cards, because if I get this batch done in reasonable time then I shall send them out to my freinds as well.
To prepare for this eventuality, please email your addresses to ereiamjh@gmail.com |
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| rant rant rant i'm no fun no more |
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| 01:24am 13/11/2004 |
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mood: frantic music: A Perfect Circle: Peace Love and Understanding
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I received a message today that I believed made a very good point. However, I felt it made a few undeserved assumptions. So I would like to rephrase:
I oppose the idea of governing the lives of the American people based on any one religion, and I oppose any appointment in the Government that may result in such a procedure.
The idea, in my understanding, is to be a Moral Compass, and I think it is important to remember the roll of the compass in navigation: it is a small thing, and yet it is no small thing -- it does not lead, it suggests, and by showing an unwavering and unquestionable truth it earns the trust of those who travel with it.
We travelers are the compass's sole reason to be, and that it is why it is safe for us to rely on it. |
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| [say you want a revolution] |
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| 12:46am 04/11/2004 |
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mood: inspired music: The Faint: Glass Danse
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Today, one person said she would marry me, and three people told me they would vote for me for president. So it is a good ego day.
Many people I know say today is a bad day, considering what happened this morning. This is my opinion: it is a good thing.
I know, you cannot believe I said that.
Well I did.
Why?
I heard today that more people voted for George W Bush than any other President. But here is a thing: More people voted against George W Bush than any other President, too.
What does that mean? Well, it means that what this man is doing is drawing some attention. There is no such thing as bad PR: Anything that draws attention to the power of voting does just that. It backfired (in some people's opinions) this time, but guess what. There were a lot of people that relied on everybody else to vote for Kerry, and today they learned the power they have. Relatively just about everybody that wanted Bush to win, I figure, voted for Bush.
It was a close race.
If everybody that wanted Kerry to win had voted... well, maybe not so close. At least, equally close but to another end.
Over the past year, two years, Americans (okay, maybe Democrats, although I do not like speaking for them, not being one myself) became increasingly aware of the mistakes, the falacies that were being made. Anti-Bush resolve grew exponentially, but the majority of the attention came towards the end of this chapter. So many people became upset, concerned, interested, driven, opinionated... aware.
So many more people than ever stood up and made their voices heard. But if Kerry had won, he would not have been an awesome President. He would not have made America great. If Kerry had won, Everybody could have sat back down to their televisions, happy to have reset the status quo, to re-establish complacency as acceptable. We would have fixed our mistake, and would have afforded ourselves the chance to pretend like it had never happened.
If a few months, a year of awareness could inspire such a response, just imagine what four years are are going to do. There will be no more status quo -- I cannot think of anything that could serve better to inspire us to action. Four years of hell? This is our country -- America, the country of the American people. Half of the people that voted elected to hand the country to George W Bush. Are the rest of us just going to say, 'oh darn, I guess I haven't got a country then'?
Does that sound like us? |
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| kaBOOM |
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| 04:04am 19/10/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Edith Piaff: Rien de Rien
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Katie was supposed to call me several times today; she just kept calling to say she'd call for real a little later, until she just didn't call at all.
mom and jenny stopped by, and i tatooed them. when they left i walked them out to the truck, and the weather was so nice i didn't come back. i just walked through the neighborhood watching the lightning light up the dark streets. i called kate a few times, but she wasn't there. i called daniel, who also was supposed to have called me, and who also was not there. i called michael, because he's even more likely than i to be walking out in a thunderstorm, but he also was not there. so i walked and walked and walked and saw some good lightning.
daniel did call, then. and i agreed to meet him at the theatre and do something. we decided to just keep watching lightning. we went to steeplechase, but just as we were getting out of the car it started raining. we drove into percy warner park to find a pavillion to sit under. it was really cool, but by that time it was quite cloudy, so we couldn't see the lighnint, just the clouds flashing. still quite bright, though, and every time it lit up i would see daniel wearing his toboggan and the trees all around and it made me think about the blair witch project, which, it turns out, daniel had not see. jeremy called and admitted he had not seen it either. katie called and kept saying how sorry she was, and when i would ask why she would say she didn't know. and i suppose that means she was with josh. i told her she should just go to bed since i was hanging out with daniel, and she has early classes tomorrow and she works tomorrow evening. then daniel and i decided to go. as soon as we got in the car it started pooring down, sudden zero visibility. i drove as best i could (anybody familiar with the roads of percy warner park should understand how freaky that can be in such a situation) and suddenly there was a tree in the road. we laughed, a lot, and wondered what to do. was it a tree, or was it just a branch? how heavy would it be? would the rain let up, or get worse? all things that we had no way of knowing in the car. daniel took his shirt off so he would at lest have a dry shirt when we got back to the car. we jumped out of the car, and daniel screamed, partly because yes, it was a tree, too heavy to move, but mostly because it was really cold. we jumped back in the car and realized our only hope was to drive backwards on the roads of percy warner park in zero visibility -- which means we did not have much of a chance. but we took it, and we made it.
daniel and jeremy came over here then, and we watched blair witch and dang but i love that movie. i dont think i'd seen it since i saw it at the kuc theatre @ mtsu, but i saw it lots of times there. it's not scary, but we enjoyed hours of speculation, just to figure out what happened. was it the blair witch? was it some sick local fucker? was it one of the three? did anything happen at all? what fun!
kate asked the other day how long we would be in france. we agreed at least a month, but today i told her we would be there long enough to speak it, and she seemed to like the idea. we'll get a headstart by spending time in montreal once i move to burlington.
kate said (later on the day that she asked the question) that paris would be a good place to either honeymoon or get engaged -- which means not only do i need to save up for the ring, but also for a trip to paris, because we're honeymooning in disneyworld, dammit. i'd propose in disneyworld, but that trip is already going to be more expensive than paris, i'd bet.
i should go to bed. i slept until noon today, so i'm not really tired yet, but tomorrow is already going to suck. i should have been in bed hours ago. |
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| i was bent metal, you were a flaming wreck when we kissed at the overpass |
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| 12:13pm 12/08/2004 |
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mood: slightly drugged music: fl oz: reckord stack
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so, had a wreck yesterday -- yet another day for the insurance companies, auto for the fact that i knocked the guy's bumper down/off, health for the trip to the ER. i've got the whiplash, and pulled a muscle in my arm somehow. i'm on 1600mg of ibuprofen/day, and have to apply heat regularly. so, stayed at kate's yesterday afternoon and knocked out a couple more movies -- Heathers and Ghost in the Shell, and watched Way of the Gun again. mom and jenny came to the sambergs to visit bedridden me, and jenny asked what she could do to help. i handed her the washcloth that katie had wetted and heated for me, and asked her to microwave it for me. half an hour later i remembered it, and when jenny fethed it back, it was no longer hot, and was mostly dry. i asked jenny to wet it and microwave it again, but she didn't hear the wet part, and it caught fire, which i thought was just hillarious. the sambergs were not worried about it; they are very nice/good people. i am going to move in with them when kate moves out in a few weeks, actually. how weird is that? |
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| Aint it cool? |
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| 02:09am 11/08/2004 |
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mood: exhausted music: Aphex Twin: Selected Ambient Works, vol 2
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Katie and I have been dating for one year and seven months and some more at this point. I, you may or may not know, watch a lot of movies. Katie watches a lot of other movies. So over the pat year and months, we have built up quite a "You should see this" list.
But she is moving away in two weeks, and time is running out --- so we made a major effort to see these movies. We planned a movie day, which turned into two days, and trips to Blockbuster, renting (so far) ten movies, and matching that number with movies from out personal collections.
So far we have watched:
Mother
The Man From Snowy River
First Night
The Name of the Rose
The Prophecy
One Fine Day
The Way of the Gun
Tart
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
Picture Perfect
Batman
still on the list, Boys Don't Cry, Brazil, Heathers, 2001, Ed Wood and, like, a lot more. |
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dyaus's journal