| | Current Music: | I Need To Know --Jekyll and Hyde 1994 concept cast | | Subject: | Work | | Time: | 11:23 pm |
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| At work today, I got so bored I wanted to kill myself. Giving out samples in a grocery store is only an interactive occupation when there are actual PEOPLE around. I consoled myself by singing, and I'm sure the store workers think I'm off my rocker. hehehe.
Also at work today, there was this woman with one arm, who was very sweet, but had the most bitter and foul body odour imaginable. She spilled juice. I had to bend down in front of her...close in front of her...to clean it. The odour shall linger in my sensory memory for all time. :S But she was so very nice, I feel bad for finding the entire situation moderately amusing. I'm so vicious sometimes.
I also had a close encounter with a local crazy man I always used to watch out of morbid curiosity at the local library. He looks like a very scronny old Einstein, and he came right up without speaking, took a bunch of samples, then spun on his heel and took off down the dairy aisle with his tattered grey trenchcoat flying behind him. That guy is cool. Apparently he used to be a brilliant professor, but he snapped one day then lost his job, or lost his job and then snapped...my friend told me the story, but sadly I've forgotten. That bothers me. It's a great bit of local history. | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | Location Test | | Time: | 01:12 am |
|
| | #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### | Your personality type is SCUEI | You are social, moderately calm, unstructured, egocentric, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.
| | The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Washington D.C., St. Louis, Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Salt Lake City, W. Palm Beach, Tampa/St. Petersburg, Raleigh/Durham, Denver, Seattle/Tacoma, Minneapolis and these international countries/regions Slovenia, Israel, Czech Republic, Russia, Netherlands, Denmark, Argentina, Argentina, Ukraine, Romania, Norway, Croatia, Hungary, Turkey, Sweden | What Places In The World Match Your Personality?City Reviews at CityCulture.org | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Point of No Return --Phantom of the Opera Original Cast | | Subject: | Unsent | | Time: | 12:45 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sad.gif) melancholy |
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| A letter I would love to send to my sister, but can't, for fear of causing trouble.
( Unsent ) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | And now a word from our sponsor... | | Time: | 03:31 am |
|
| Right. So, let's all read up on why our society is so terminally fucked up, starting with my all-time favourite issue: forced schooling. A quote:
"...So the world got compulsion schooling at the end of a state bayonet for the first time in human history; modern forced schooling started in Prussia in 1819 with a clear vision of what centralized schools could deliver:
1.Obedient soldiers to the army;
2.Obedient workers to the mines;
3.Well subordinated civil servants to government;
4.Well subordinated clerks to industry
5.Citizens who thought alike about major issues."
READ MORE!
Reading up on this topic a couple of years ago gave some parts of my worldview a complete 180.
~May | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Wow, I just came up with another really cool idea to make money. A few, actually. Tutoring is one option, yes. But I could also make and sell especially beautiful journals with wooden covers, because I'm awesome with a woodburner, and I could paint them, too. I can picture a bunch of different styles and designs in my head, and I know they'd sell. Another thing I was thinking of doing for a few bucks is a really strange idea, but I think it would work. After Hallowe'en, I can walk around a bunch of neighbourhoods and offer to take down their decorations for $5. People always hate taking decorations down. And then I was thinking that this Christmas I can buy some crayola paints, and paint people simple Christmas murals on their windows. Wouldn't that be awesome? It's something I've wanted to do for a while. I'm really excited about the journal idea though. They'd be beautiful. I'm going to make my friend one for Christmas, for sure, but hers is going to take forever to make, because I'm making it reversible, so that the front and back are the 'front', if you flip it upside down. I'm also painting really complicated pictures on hers. However, if I sold them, I'd come up with a few woodburning designs, and woodburning is quick.
As you can see, I hate the idea of having a normal 9-5 job. lol. I'm also considering just biting the bullet, taking the TEFL course I've wanted to take for a while, and going off to teach English in Thailand for a year or so.
My dad thinks I should start writing novels and getting them published. So does my friend. I'd love to, but...well, we'll see how NaNo goes. If it goes well, I'll write some marketable stuff and try to get published. The novel I'm writing for NaNo is not terribly marketable, lol.
And besides, I'm getting opera training next year. *blinks* Man, do you think I have a focus problem? ;)
~May | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | NaNoWriMo | | Time: | 07:17 pm |
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| I am so excited about Nanowrimo. The other day a story came to me, the outline of which I am still working on, and I am ridiculously enthused about the whole thing. The characters...they're so real! That never happens when I write something original. But they've all already taken on lives of their own, so all I'll really have to do is write down what they do. I don't actually have to make anything up, and it's SO COOL. *cue squee here* I wish I could start writing now. I'm feeling quite impatient. The characters are restless in my brain. hehe. And look at my cute icon, courtesy of ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ciri. Lovin' the plot bunny. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | None but the tunes drifitng through my head. :) | | Subject: | Boo. | | Time: | 03:18 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/sleepy.gif) sleepy |
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| Tonight my best friend and I went to the book store, bought books on psychic powers, (lol!), then went to a historical site in our city to look for ghosts. It was all very entertaining, as we make a habit of convincing ourselves and each other that there are ghosts following us around that we can't see, etc. Hehehe. That's always fun. You know, even though I'm a firm believer in spiritual activity, and all sorts of other things, I think all of that sort of thing (my religion excluded...that's another matter ENTIRELY) is a manifestation of the imaginative nature I sported in childhood. In other words, when I was little I used to pretend I was hanging out with the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles, and now I pretend I'm hanging out with ghosts. *shakes head* I haven't matured an awful lot over the years, lol. Not that I want to. There are some sorts of maturity that do nothing but suck all the fun and life out of people.
I intend to go through life as anything but lifeless. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Re: Fanfiction | | Time: | 11:37 pm |
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| | Aww. . .I feel bad. I did have posted here a rather harsh compartmentalization of fanfiction types: the excellent, the good, the bad, and the atrocious. However, in hindsight, it seems mean and judgemental, and now I feel bad. Yeah, some people write some terrible, terrible fanfiction, but really. . .does it matter? At least they're writing. Chances are, those who write really bad, sex filled, grammatically horrific fanfiction aren't naturally the most literary of people, and therefore, we should rejoice that they're expressing themselves through words. *blinks* I guess. I don't know. I'm torn, now. Yeah, it's irritating when it seems like nobody is writing anything worth reading, and people aren't giving constructive and supportive feedback, but. . .c'est la vie, I suppose. Besides, we all write some pretty awful stuff at times. Or at least, I know I do. lol. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Ugh. I am so sick of searching for a job. I've decided employment is overrated, so I'm going to start my own tutoring business, since there is an elementary school conveniently located a few blocks away. I'll be good at it, I'll enjoy it, and it'll be a nearly instant source of income. *nods*
In other news, I'm participating in National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. *beams* It's going to be a blast, and I recommend it to everyone and anyone! Check it out here:
http://www.nanowrimo.org/modules/cjaycontent/index.php?id=2
That's going to be a blast, and maybe I'll actually finish something for once.
I just discovered live365.com. Took me long enough, and oh boy. . .I am in broadway-lover heaven. :D
~May | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Testy testy | | Time: | 09:58 pm |
|
| Career Inventory Test Results | Extroversion | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 73% | | Emotional Stability | |||||||||||||||||| | 60% | | Orderliness | ||||||||| | 30% | | Altruism | ||||||||| | 23% | | Inquisitiveness | |||||||||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | You are an Inventor, possible professions include - systems designer, venture capitalist, actor, journalist, investment broker, real estate agent, real estate developer, strategic planner, political manager, politician, special projects developer, literary agent, restaurant/bar owner, technical trainer, diversity manager, art director, personnel systems developer, computer analyst, logistics consultant, outplacement consultant, advertising creative director, radio/TV talk show host. | | Take Free Career Test personality tests by similarminds.com
| | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | 'For Good" -- Wicked | | Time: | 12:54 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/angry.gif) grumpy |
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| I am horrified right now. I went to open a fic I've been working on, (saved to a floppy), and the file appears to have been mysteriously reduced to a single blank page.
*twitches*
It was long. I liked it.
I am not pleased.
As a side note, work today was shit, because my mood was reduced to that of a volcano gnome caught in an arctic flood. Read: [reduced to] misery. I had the headache from hell and was so congested that my ability to hum was rendered nearly non-existent, let alone my ability to sing. My voice simply had no place to reverberate. It felt strange, and made me panicky, as I always get when my voice stops behaving properly. Worse, the only way I normally get through a work day is by being cheery and singing when I can get away with it. I was neither cheery nor vocal today. *shudders* What a fucking day, let me tell you.
More irritating still, my father's wife has flown home again, and won't be back until October 19th. This means that I am living with a depressed single parent for a few weeks, and as much as I love him, I selfishly hate the way his misery impacts me. There's something about a powerful mood like that, that makes it seep into the very foundation of a building and into the bones of its occupants. In other words, when he's miserable, everyone around him is miserable. Everyone around him is me. Ugh. God save me from lovesick relatives.
I know, I know, you can stop looking at me like that. I know I'm cold. (Ha. . .a spree of coughing has just alerted me to the fact that I made a funny. Get it? Cold, have a cold. . .meh, never mind. It was a bad joke, unintentional or not.)
I'm exhausted. I think I'll go now.
~May | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Old Alanis Morissette (or however you spell it) stuff. | | Time: | 07:52 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/happy.gif) happy |
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| Right, so, I'm back in the real world. Not to the extent that I don't feel artsy, but to the point where I was at work today and had a good time as usual.
Hmm. I was going to write more...I don't know what, but I feel like writing. Okie dokie. That means I'd better go try to update something.
~May | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | None. . .if I play music, they'll KNOW I'm awake. . .lol. . | | Time: | 04:38 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/artistic.gif) artistic |
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| Oppsy-daisy. I seem to be in another one of my 'moods,' which means I should be out and active and on the ball, but instead I'm doing my best hermit imitation and writing/drawing feverishly. Always a bad sign, but it should pass in a day or so. On the plus side, the weather has been positively magical these past few days, with cooled temperatures and angry winds. We even had a rather spectacular rainstorm last night, which got my imagination whirling. Here's the result of that:
( Eva and the Gryffin )
Anyway, yes. . .these moods of mine. . .aren't normal. I enjoy them, but they aren't healthy, as I'm well aware. Perhaps it's just the primary aspect of the 'artistic temperament' that I lay claim to. I've always thought so. I used to call these 'artist mood swings' when I was younger. They started when I was eight or so, I think. Just another part of my makeup. I can't afford to indulge my muse like this though. I work on weekends, and need to go about looking for another job during the week, or I'll never be able to afford university next year. When I'm like this I just can't stir myself to action, however, which is bad. On the plus side, I've updated my fanfiction account and wrote that wonderful little gryffin story. *grins* There's an upside to everything.
Oh well. If my dad and his wife would leave the house, I could leave my room to eat and shower and such, but as it is I am avoiding their lectures. Or, more likely, I'm avoiding their silence and meaningful glances. I understand perfectly well that I don't have nearly enough impulse control. I'm working on it. The thing is, I mostly get these moods --the severe, debilitating ones-- when I have nothing else to occupy me. Otherwise, I get the muse without the extreme hermit impersonation. Oh, I do lock myself in my room whenever I'm like this, but if I have other things to occupy me, I can snap out of it and go to work/school/rehearsal or whatever. I'd better take up that manager on that job offer. . .
right, so, nothing else interesting to report. I tested my vocal range a last week and could go from a G2 to a G#6, which is totally killer. I'm starting singing lessons in mid-October. I can't wait!
Oh, and while I'm still as Christian as ever, I now seem to be a Christian who reads tarot cards. lol. I'm careful to always pray on them though, so whateer I get comes from the right source, if you know what I mean. I had to get the stupid cards. . .couldn't resist. My grandma was a full-fledged psychic, and while I doubt god will let me go that far --too many bad spirits and ethereal beings out there-- I figured the least I could do is get into closer touch with my natural intuition. Oddly, though, I don't like doing readings for myself. Or rather, I do like doing readings for myself, but I get a bad gut feeling when I do, so I try to only use the cards to read for others. Strange, I know. You'd have to experience it to understand.
Well, toodloo! I may perhaps write some more stories.
~May | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Bad to the Bone, lol | | Time: | 06:07 pm | | Current Mood: | content |
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| The other day my brother accused me of being an anti-socialite. *smirks* Big word for him. He was annoyed because I'd been writing for days. Heh. My family doesn't understand me, but they love me.
My dad is in Nova Scotia for a week, which means the house is mine. A state of affairs I favor, even though in the grand scheme of things it makes no difference. It gives me a week to be reflective before July comes and I have responsibilities again.
Been having weird dreams lately. In one, my brother had a new brand of prescription drug popcorn that came in a little box. He tried to trick me into eating it with him, which diminished my trust in him and brought my attention to the fact that he's really fucked in the head lately. In another, I fell in love and was engaged to a man, and I was terrified my psychopath mother would destroy my chance at happiness. In one really weird dream, I was duty bound to destroy a friend of mine because she was some sort of daugher of evil, and I had to explain to my aunt the complexity that came from loving that friend even while opposing her. That dream was really strange. Please note that I don't think my friend is evil, lol.
One of the most bizarre things about these dreams--there've been many more--is that I enjoy them even while I find them disturbing. I really value the fact that I can recall them all so vividly, and I also value their insight into what's going on in my head. It's so much easier for me to know what other people are thinking and feeling, rather than what I am. Dreams are a much needed heads up. Admittedly, they're a bit abstract, and you have to get used to interpreting, but it's worth it.
I'm in a huge modern and classic rock phase. It's all I listen to lately, aside from my broadway soundtracks. Fun. :)
I bought a tiny flowering plant for my room last week. I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong, but the damned thing is already dying. Stupid plant. I guess my thumbs are red, or possibly purple.
I'm hungry. I'll make fajitas. Yummy yummy fajitas... | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | None. Enjoying peaceful solitude. | | Subject: | Update | | Time: | 10:31 pm | | Current Mood: | calm |
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| The convoluted melodrama that was my life last week has calmed now. The meeting with Jane--I don't feel like calling her 'mom' these days, because it feels wrong-- was startlingly anticlimatic. I was almost disappointed, which is sick. We went, she pretended to be sweet and happy. We were forced to stay with her and her latest bank account--oh, I'm sorry, I meant boyfriend-- and pretend to be a Leave It To Beaver family. It was surreal and completely fucked up. She sent the bank account--gah! I meant boyfriend...keep messing that up-- out to get pizza and KFC, even after our polite protestations. We had already eaten, and eating with the rabid alley cat who birthed us was nobody's idea of an ideal Sunday.
God, that was weird.
She never once mentioned our pasts. The only thing she would say on the subject of our being brutally estranged was, "Don't worry, lots of families don't have anything to do with each other. They don't want it, they don't miss it, and that's fine. But you may never see me again if I go to Europe, so I thought we should say goodbye."
All of this said as if we had something to do with the dysfunction, and it hadn't just been her going berserk and telling us off.
Totally fucked in the head.
Oh, and had I mentioned the fact that on Wednesday the 8th my Aunt tricked me into facing Jane alone? No? Well, I won't tell you in detail. Suffice to say, I was betrayed by Aunt Carolyne. Because of her, I had to reunite with the psychotic mother I hadn't seen in five years, alone, and keep smiling while she told me all about how wonderful her life is and gave me a tour of her house. All that, after a grueling day of work and overheating. And we had more work to do when I finally was able to leave. I'm still a bit pissed off at my Aunt for that one, even though I honestly believe she can't help meddling. It's her nature.
Anyway, all of that is done now. Ding-dong, the witch is gone! Moved away, hopefully for good.
I've been in good spirits lately. I bought myself a guitar. A 1971 Yamaha acoustic. FG-300, if anyone out there cares. It's a killer guitar. Makes me feel guilty for still being a beginner, becaus it shoudl be played by somebody with skill. All in good time, though. :) The last couple of days have been spent in my room reading and typing away, because I'm in a severe 'writing mode.' It's been a couple months since it last hit me like this, so I'm enjoying myself.
Toodloo!
~May | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Monty Python's Spamalot! Soundtrack | | Subject: | My life as of now | | Time: | 12:31 am | | Current Mood: | optimistic |
|
| Beginning on: Sunday, June 5, 2005
“Your mother would like to see you.” A simple, short sentence that in most other families would be deserving of a simple, short reaction. In my family, however, those seven words garner blank faces, pounding hearts, and raised brows.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“Well, May, she’s sold the house, and gotten a good price for it though I’m not supposed to say how much, and she, and Greg--” Greg’s been the current love interest for a couple of years now “--and Robin--” my eleven-year-old baby brother “–have bought a house trailer that they’re going to live in, and they’re going to travel all around the States.”
“Okay.” My tone is light and amused, first because I think it’s funny and second because even though my heart is cold to my mother, I love my Aunt Carolyne. “What does this have to do with me?”
“Well, I’ll tell you.” A pause in the rough-voiced dialogue, and I can see the older woman on the other end of the telephone line taking a last breath of cigarette smoke before squishing it out. “Jane--your mother, rather--would like to see you, and Nicole, and James, before she leaves.”
“Oh, for God’s sake.”
“Now now, just listen for a minute here, May, I think this could not be such a bad thing. She wants to see you three kids, and she has some things for each of you in a box. Some pictures, and things from your past that she thought you might like to have. She also has–now, I don’t know how much of this is true or how much she intends to go through with, so don’t get your hopes up–she also has some money for you that you left in your bank account when you moved out, that she would like to give to you.”
“Holy shit, I don’t believe it. She’s giving it back?” For those of you just tuning in, my mother kicked me out of the house for the last time when I was 14 years old, and blatantly refused to give me the $600 from my bank account, saying I owed it to her. I didn’t, of course, but you try reasoning with a lunatic. It’s not easy. “I really don’t believe it.”
“Well, I’m not so sure I believe it either, May, but that’s what she says. That she wants to give you all some things and give you your money before she leaves. I jotted down some notes on what she was saying while I was talking to her so I knew exactly what her words were. You know how she is.” Oh boy, do I ever.
“Bringing the balance to zero before she says her latest final farewell, huh?”
“What?”
“Settling her accounts, so to speak. Never mind. So, when are we supposed to go through with this melodramatic affair?”
“You never know, May, it could be a good thing. Maybe it will lead to you having a coffee with her here and there, nothing serious, but some sort of communication, and then--”
“No offense,” my tone is desert dry, “but I really wouldn’t want that. In the least.” There is another pause, but this time it’s because she’s wincing sadly and gathering herself the strength to refrain from pushing me. Dear Aunt Carolyne. She has been there for me since I was ten years old, and knows what I’ve been through with my mother, what we’ve all been through. She’s still my mom’s sister though, and Aunt Carolyne’s greatest strength and flaw is her unwavering familial loyalty. It hurts her that we can’t work things out. I understand, but disagree.
“Okay. Okay, well,” she takes a deep breath, “she said she would like you to call. . . I don’t know whether she means her or me, but I suppose me. . . call me and set up a time between the ninth and fifteenth, but not on Saturday.”
“And we’re supposed to go where?”
“To her house. You should see what she’s done with that house, May! It’s absolutely beautiful.” Yes, I’m sure it is beautiful, and that’s why she’s making sure we all go there. So she can look good in front of her boyfriend by saying ‘Oh, poor me, look at the awful children I have! Don’t worry honey, I’m strong and noble enough to do the right thing and give them their things and say goodbye!’ while at the same time, she can shove her material belongings in our faces. Twisted creature.
“Ack. Oh. Eek,” I say.
“What?”
“I’m not sure I want to go there. Do we have to go there?”
“Well, that’s where your things are.”
“Convenient. I’ll have to talk this through with my siblings. Love you!”
“I love you too, May.”
Now: Tuseday, June 7, 2005
A day later, Nicole, James, and I have talked it through to death. Our reactions were varied. I was a bit jolted at first, I admit. She is my mother, and it’s odd to think of her leaving, but I’m over that now. The worst thing for me is knowing that my baby brother–God, he’s eleven now, I have to remember that– will be far away, where he’s assured never to have a relationship with me. Not that he’d want to by now. God only knows what kind of horrible things mom’s told him about me. That hurts. But, I’ve accepted it. It’s for the best. My sanity and emotional well-being suffer when mom is in my life, and Robin is now trained to be her extension. I figure we should humor her, go through with the meeting, get our stuff, then go grab some ice cream or a bite to eat. The three of us are family now, though we weren’t for years, and we don’t need her. Goodbye is good.
Nicole was, in her words, “torn between saying ‘fuck her’ and not going, and saying ‘fuck her’ and going to show her how well [she’s] doing and how much [she] doesn’t need her.” In the end, ‘fuck her’ won. Nicole decided to go through with the meeting so we could get our stuff. She’s a bit concerned that mom will be able to hurt her still, but is confident that she won’t give mom the satisfaction of seeing it. The more I get to know Nicole, the more I love her. At twenty-nine, she’s ten years older than me, but it never really feels that way. In some aspects I think I’m more mature than she is. I could just be arrogant, though. Wouldn’t surprise me.
James. James, James, James. He’s always a bit of a problem, as much as we love him. James is emotional, moody, needy, and insecure. He’s twenty-four, and absolutely the youngest of the three of us, mentally. He didn’t live with mom for years like Nicole and I did, so I don’t think he realizes the extent of her cruelty and craziness. True, mom has done positively evil things to him, and said positively evil things to him, but on some level he feels like a little boy who just can’t seem to find the right way to please mommy. Last time he spoke to her, he almost committed suicide. His feelings for her make me sick, but I understand it on an intellectual level. He doesn’t want to go through with this meeting. He’s only doing it because Nicole and I are, and we want to stand united in our decision. Nicole and I are starting to rethink that notion. Maybe it will be better if he stays away. The whole thing will just be closure for us, but for him. . . it could be very painful. In a fit of temper, he accused Nicole and I of having fewer emotions than he does regarding the whole situation. Wisdom has always been a strong point of mine, and I refrained from informing him that we had simply moved on.
Am I the only one who thinks this entire affair is deserving of mockery? We feel as if we’re planning to enter a battlefield, not our childhood home. Facing a bloodthirsty murderer rather than our mother. I wish I didn’t feel any nervousness, because I like to feel above such things, but the truth is, I loved my mother fiercely, and she has hurt me worse than anyone else in the world. Even though I’ve learned the value of living a Jane-free existence, how can I not have a bit of crawling emotion left over in my belly?
I’m looking forward to our meeting. I’m curious, I’d like to get it over with, and I want to see if everything they say about facing your fears is true. Besides, it could turn out to be a hell of a story! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Christianity Stuff | | Time: | 03:34 am |
|
| I'm Christian, but man do I ever like to question things. So tonight I feel like pondering the nature of God, which is one of my favorite things to do.
Alright, so, first thing's first. In order for God to exist, he has to never have begun. If he had a beginning, that would mean he would have to have a cause. If he is outside of matter, then He doesn't need a beginning or a cause. So, that's covered. However, I'm not entirely sure that God has to go on forever. Doesn't anybody wonder if He has a choice? I think that if God has a choice, that might explain the existence of good and evil. Maybe good and evil have to be, creation and destruction, so that God doesn't get bored. Maybe without it, he'd off Himself! :O
Think about it. God is hundreds of times more intelligent than a human being. He lives in a world outside of time, where the only person He can talk to, who is on His level, is Himself. The man needs a challenge. So at some point in his never-begun existence, God decided to create the universe. I'm not sure if angels came before or after the universe, but I know that after both of those He decided to create humans. Everything in the Bible leads us to believe that God knows everything that will happen once he embarks on a chosen path. He must have known that Lucifer would get jealous, that humanity would become tainted, and that a spiritual war the likes of which has never been seen would begin. He went along with his plan anyway.
( Why did He do that? Click and see... ) | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 09:52 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_girl/curious.gif) confused |
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| *blinks* You know, after ranting and raving in that last post, I don't feel quite so melodramatic. Lj-therapy. Gotta love it.
Now that I'm done wallowing in self-pity for the day, I'll admit that I know damn well that God has a purpose for everyone, and I know equally damn well that I'm not completely unloved. My family may be really discombobulated, but at least I've got a family. I just can't seem to be grateful enough to be motivated, which is strange and unlike me. Well, mostly unlike me. I need to stop thinking so much. Less thinking, more doing. If I don't have time to think about loneliness and my strange brand of Christian existentialism, (yay for oxymorons!), I should probably be able to pull myself out of this at some point.
It would be easier if I didn't have such a good bloody imagination. I have this horrible habit of picturing all the places I'd rather be. Most of them have twisty roads and lots of trees. I miss northern Quebec. That was the best motorcycle territory I've ever encountered. And there were rivers, small mountains, and waterfalls.
Maybe I should just move. Everybody tells me it would be terribly impractical of me to jeopardize my future by leaving the country for a year to teach english in China, but I still maintain that that is exactly what I need.
Oh, God. I don't know what I need. I need something. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
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