Ph.D.

It is my pleasure to advise you that on 26 November 2007 the Dean of the relevant College has approved the award of your degree of Doctor of Philosophy. I congratulate you most warmly on this achievement.

The paperwork has finally gone through, and now I am officially a doctor!

I am am very proud of all my work over the years. Glad that I never quit, I kept on going, and it was all worthwhile in the end.

I shall come back to Australia to graduate in December 2008, but will celebrate this weekend in San Francisco, and this December on a cruise through the Southern Caribbean.

I am happy happy happy.

The University of Queensland is pleased to offer you a place in the following program:

Master of International Public Health [by correspondence]
Commencement: 26th November, 2007

How exciting. My first unit: Introduction to Substance Use & Misuse.

I'm going to need to buy some shiny new stationary. And maybe an iMac.

Often I look around at the scientists around me, at one of the best public research institutions in the nation. While one or two of them seem happy, so many of them seem stressed and anxious. What does it take to feel like a successful scientist? I see Primary Investigators that push their graduate students and post-docs past breaking point for the next Nature paper. I see researchers in the lab when they have partners and children at home. I see people in tears over yet another experimental failure.

I myself feel like I am just keeping my head above water. I can see some ahead of me swimming with sure easy strokes, but so often it feels like a struggle just to get through the day. I feel like I've studied my whole life for this job and I'm still not good at it. Failed experiments, slow data, rejected fellowship applications. I just never feel like I'm any good at what I do. I look around me, and I don't think that I'm the only one who feels that way.

Next month I am starting a Masters in Public Health, part-time by correspondence. One day I want to have a job that I enjoy, in which I feel competent and successful.

It is my grandfather's funeral today, in Newcastle, Australia. As I write, his wife, five children, and many of his grandchildren are delivering eulogies and laying flowers. He died a few days ago, at age 94, after being admitted to hospital for an infection.

I remember him singing like a kookaburra. I remember him playing with us in the sand by the beach. I remember the sandpit that he built for us, that was slowly taken over by bamboo. I remember him giving me breadcrusts to feed the fish in his pond, and the way he covered it with wire to thwart the birds. I remember watching his macadamia tree grow into a giant over the years, and trying to open up those impossible pods. I remember his bright blue eyes and ready smile. I remember the way that I would sit on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. He would grow bananas and always encourage me to eat them, even though I was suspicious of these small green fruits that didn't look like the ones from the supermarket. He loved all his children and grandchildren, and I am glad that I got to see him in the Summer, and give him one final kiss on the forehead, and tell him how much I love him. And now he is gone, vanished back into the stardust from which he came.

It is very difficult for me to comprehend this, living so far away. I wish that I could just fly over for the day, to hold my mum's hand and to give my Nana a hug. I wish that there was something that I could do over here to mark his passing. Instead, all I can do is send my Nana a telegram, and spend this evening remembering my Pop.

"The candidate should be granted the award of Doctor of Philosophy subject to corrections or revisions required by the examiners in the thesis to be made to the satisfaction of the Supervisor and the Head of Department in the copy intended for deposit with the University Library"

My first week at work was quite blurry, as I came down with a severe cold and spent a lot of time in bed. Now, though, I have completely recovered, and I am enjoying my time in the new lab. My work-mates are lovely, although I do very much miss Roxyologist, Ms Squid, and everyone else back in Canberra.

We are having such beautiful weather. It's chilly, but the days are so bright and Mount Rainier looks spectacular, especially during the sunset. I now have a Bank of America bank account (they had to show me how to use a cheque book), a Washington State ID card, and an application for a social security number. I also have a Clinique facial booked at Macy's for Friday, and a Superbowl party to go to on Sunday.

Busy week. I got the okay from my supervisor on my thesis, picked up my beautifully burgundy leather-bound copies and submitted them, celebrated with dance and wine for several days, met purpletigress and Co. over brunch, said goodbye to all my friends, and flew to the other side of the world to be picked up by my fiance in a limousine.

Now I have a couple of weeks to adjust to all things American. The time-zone, the cold, the upside-down light-switches, the power outlets that look like tiny surprised people, the units of measurement, the cars on the wrong side of the road, tipping and sales tax, pennies, and the paper money that is all the same colour.

Still, somehow it feels like home.

I have a meeting with my supervisor today, about the final draft of my theses. If this is the outcome I will be so happy. I just have to get through the next 96 hours, that's all.

Please let her say I can submit...

Today I gave my supervisor a complete final draft, in full colour, from title page through to references. She has a week to give me any final changes, and then I'm sending it to the binders next Monday.

Roxyologist and I are off to decide on the paper and dividers that we need this afternoon.

I'm submitting the following Thursday, and then flying out the next Monday.

It's all coming together.

The new Mac iPhone looks incredible.

The ultimate digital product.

Today, while sitting on the verandah on my mother's house, looking out at the trees and the bright blue sky, I finished up the draft of my general discussion, finalising the complete draft of my thesis. From now on, everything is simply revision.

I have moved my flight to the 29th of January, so I have plenty of time for my supervisor to read my chapters, and for me to instigate her changes. What a great way to start 2007.

I had a lovely and relaxing Christmas and New Year. Now I am at my mother's place in Queensland, for a week of writing up in peace and quiet, with thesis writing alternating with delicious fresh meals and laps in the pool.

I only have one resolution this year: Finish Thesis.

I am leaving Canberra for two weeks tomorrow, off to spend time up north with my loved ones. I am looking forward to being a human being again, with wants and needs, smiles and delights.

It will be a time for quiet joys, of sunrises over the ocean, walks along the beach, reading novels under the trees, champagne and pudding, breakfast on the verandah, and naps after lunch.

I hope Santa got my letter.

Poll #893499 Should I stay or should I go?
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

My thesis is mostly written. I have 20,000 words and 35 results figures. I have 25 days left to finish it off, but my supervisor won't be back until the 9th of January to read my drafts. My work visa demands I start work in the US in early February. What should I do?

I just had another meeting with my supervisor, and she gave me back her comments on the second draft of my second results chapter (TCR transgenic and chimeras). I had spent days fixing it all up after her millions of comments on the first draft. Now there are hundreds of new changes. She wants it to be perfect, and every little datum commented upon and researched extensively.

She also told me that she will be on holidays until the 9th of January, and therefor cannot get my chapters back to me in time to finish by the 15th. She has asked me to look into changing the date of my plane ticket.

I am so tired and I am working so hard. I've eaten nearly every meal in the lab for the past month and it's still not enough. I can't believe that I have to work even harder for even longer.

I wish that she could treat it like an honours thesis - with a firm end date that meant that compromises had to be made. I don't care anymore. I just want it over.

My supervisor told me yesterday that she doesn't think that I'll be done by January, and she doesn't want me to leave until I'm finished. I really do think that I have a chance at getting it all done. I'm taking a laptop away with me, and I really want to get it finished by the 15th of January. It might not be up to her standards, but as long as it's good enough to pass, then that's all I need.

So now as everyone else is winding down to Christmas, I'm winding up. The forces of hopelessness and depression still often overwhelm me, but I'm trying to stay productive even in the midst of despair.

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
4. Be in love with yr life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Dont think of words when you stop but to see picture better
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it

and my favourite:
29. You're a Genius all the time

To qualify for the degree, the Candidate is required:

1. to carry out independent research involving a comprehensive study of a scope and size that could normally be expected to be completed in the equivalent of three years' full-time study; and
2. to make a substantial contribution to learning and demonstrate a capacity to relate research undertaken by the Candidate to the broader framework of the discipline or disciplines within which it falls, at the standard internationally recognised for the degree in the relevant discipline or disciplines.

This is all I need to get my PhD, and I am desperately hoping that the thin piece of work that I submit will be enough. I've been working twelve hours a day on it, and it still looks as if it's barely going to reach 25,000 words. The work is very limited, and is more a series of ruling out possible explanations for a phenotype, rather than actually determining a mechanism. I have really only used one experimental technique, and I still have no idea what I will write in my general discussion. I just thought that I would be proud of my thesis, rather than disappointed. And it still needs so much more work, and I have so little time.

Still, all I need is it to be good enough to pass, so I can come back next year and be one of those happy people I saw wandering the campus today, in their blue gowns and black bonnets.