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Ok this is crazy
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Apr. 24th, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
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Goods for Girls provides reusable environmentally friendly menstrual products to girls in Kenya who have been trading sex for pads in order to stay in school. Crazyness. At least somebody is doing something to help. I can't even imagine what it's like to be a woman in another part of the world, the crap you have to put up with. Not that all the guys have it great either. Anyway, back to my mundane first-world problems now...
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Shop locally
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Apr. 24th, 2008 @ 11:52 am
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Etsy-Shop Local
This is cool- there are lots of things on there I want. I want to be more crafty instead of buying everything from ShopKo. |
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Happy birthday Earth!
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Apr. 22nd, 2008 @ 05:45 pm
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(Also happy birthday to Trent)
I have been amusing myself with http://green.yahoo.com/ today. It's got some good stuff and some really weird stuff. I like the eco geek pages.
Today I biked to the bus and took the bus to work (with some snags- the bus here is kind of ridiculous sometimes, but I'll try to stay positive). So I got my excercise & some sun and got some reading done. I'm reading Deep Economy by Bill McKibben, which so far is a pretty good book.
I wore my bamboo socks today, too. I like bamboo stuff.
Yesterday, we hooked up the Smart Strip to the evil giant TV and all it's accompanying devices, so that should help our energy consumption.
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free time
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Apr. 10th, 2008 @ 10:14 am
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So I have a lot of free time during the day at work. Any suggestions with something productive I could do? I have full use of a computer, radio, I could probably even read a book if I wanted to. I'm getting bored. |
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rat babies!
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Apr. 9th, 2008 @ 08:33 am
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The one in front is Spot the one in the hammock is Data. They're from the same litter. They are keeping Frodo company and they all get along famously so far. The lady at the pet shop tried to tell me that the older rat would eat the babies but she was stupid.
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| » Sam |
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Poor Sam the rat died last night- I have no idea why, he was fine the other day. I figure there's something toxic in my apartment so I took Frodo to David's house (don't tell his landlord...) Frodo had a swollen red eye too, I'm not sure if he's OK or not. I need to find someone to take care of Tigger for the next couple of months, too so if anyone wants to cat-sit for me, like at their house, I'd pay you or trade or something. She's kind of onery in a Siamese-cat way but she's all right once you give her treats.
Feb. 27th, 2008 @ 03:57 pm
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| » Wind-Chill day! |
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They cancelled school! Yay! That's the best. I really needed a day off, like crazy. Like I'm going crazy. I was gonna have a nervous breakdown. David says I need a weekend, I can't work 7 days a week, and he's right, but I'm not sure how to get out of that.
"See Dan, all those years everyone thought I was a bitch, but what I had was an opinionated blue-collar outlook" -Roseanne
Jan. 30th, 2008 @ 09:14 am
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| » baking soda |
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So I started a job as basically a glorified Starbucks' barista (don't worry I'm not selling out) in the Sheraton hotel. Their espresso machine is like idiot-proof because it grinds, packs and tamps the beans and pours the shot for you, although you do have to know a little bit about steaming milk (that is also pretty automated though too). I'm kind of dissapointed on the one hand because I wanted to show off my mad barista skills and make yummy shots (although I was dubious that can occur with Starbucks' beans) but I'm also relieved because everything will be easier. It's such an efficient setup, whereas 2 degrees was super labor intensive, but it was a labor of love. David says this is good because I can learn about how it's done on the more corporate level, and I can hopefully have a chance to finally perfect my latte-art ability (although we're required to put a lid on the cup before handing it off so no one sues us. Sigh.)
I've been kind of driving myself and everyone around me crazy lately, I think because I'm not challenged enough and when I'm left to my own devices I tend to challenge myself with how much can I get away with, rather than how can I be a better person. I think David is disappointed in me and that makes me sad. It's this whole Americorps job that I can't really deal with, although I'm up right now because my mind is trying to figure it all out. I have this weird relationship with all the adults I work with, probably because I don't really respect them. It was a harder transition for me than I thought going from basically Social Work School rock-star to lowly Americorps volunteer. I thought it would be good for me on some level, humbling or something, but in reality all it is is frustrating because I see it's a very slim chance I'll actually learn much of anything from this experience. It's not that I haven't tried to, but unfortunately what I'm learning is being poor sucks, money is a good motivator, and a lot of things I want in life require money. Feeling like I'm not useful also makes me depressed. And I need a boss who can challenge me while letting me have some autonomy, which isn't my current boss, who has no idea what the word autonomy means (really). I like the kids I tutor and everything but that's only like 5% of the job and the rest is stupid. I keep thinking I need a director to give me my motivation. Why am I doing this again? I don't really have a good internal way to do that for myself. I have goals and ambitions and I'm impatient. If I see no progress, I just slip into depression and don't do anything. Vacation was nice but I wish I could have come back to a different job.
Jan. 18th, 2008 @ 01:34 am
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| » spacing out at work |
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http://www.channel3000.com/money/4708059/detail.html
This is the greatest. I read this after I read the article that says 50% of Americans don't take all their vacation time. I guess we make up for it by "spacing out" at work for 2 hours a day, lol. I definitely do #1 and #3, and I have excuse #1 and #2. I am gratified to feel like I'm just being as lazy as the next guy.
Dec. 21st, 2007 @ 08:10 am
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| » marry me |
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So last night David tells me his company would give him an extra $10,000 a year if he was married. I was like, shit that's more than I MAKE in a year. And I got all excited and asked him if he'd marry me, citing the domestic bliss we could look forward to but he says he's not ready for that yet (but he is ready to be my Domestic Partner, which I feel like is the same thing). Oh well. I was like, let's at least do it for the money! It's weird. I think the money thing is a lot more salient of a differential in our relationship than sex or gender. I don't mind doing the cleaning. He does the cooking. I'd run errands, whatever, because he has to work a lot more than I do, and he brings home the money. And it's not like I don't have financial assets, they're just not liquid so I really have no money now, although I do have wealth so it wouldn't be entirely stupid for him to marry me. Besides, we'd get to get presents and have cake, and who doesn't like cake? Sigh.
Dec. 20th, 2007 @ 01:45 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I know I haven't posted much lately, and I probably should be. It's been up and down. I have been happy about some parts of my life- I have a great relationship (we are planning on moving in together in May, going on a cruise over break). Pretty much everything else in my life has sucked though. I didn't have a car, because I didn't really need one. Now with this Americorps job I need one, but I can't afford one. I bought this used car, which seemed like a good deal, and we'll see because right now it's in the shop. It wouldn't start last night or this morning, and the battery is dead. Hopefully that is all. I just replaced the muffler too. I got some money from my family to cover some of it but if it needs lots of work I can't really afford that. And my grandma keeps telling me I should find a "real job". But this is the only "real job" I could find in Madison, and at the time it seemed like a sweet deal because I thought my expenses would be low and that it was a part-time job. I just get pissed off with things like looking for jobs and looking for cars and make a decision, and then deal with it if it sucks later. I just have no patience for these things anymore. I am 26, why can't I have a decent job and a decent life? I feel like I deserve more. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. Anyway at least when I'm with David I feel like I've found something good, someone who appreciates me the way I want to be appreciated.
I have one more week of work until I get a break, and I can't wait, because then I can pretend I'm not broke for awhile and forget about the job and the car and all sorts of things. I can tune out for awhile. Then when I come back I can figure out what it is that I need to do.
I've been looking for part-time jobs but if my car isn't going to be reliable I can't see how I'd get to them. I like working with kids but I already do that over 40 hours a week so I don't think I could handle another job with kids. Maybe some babysitting now and then.
I know I have a million excuses and people just seem to make me feel like it's all my fault and my problem and it has nothing to do with them and why should they care? I just care that it's not fair- it's not how they told me it would be. And no one at my sites talks to me or tries to help me out with anything, except sometimes my boss at the school.
I dream about the cafe a lot because I wish I had a job like that again, where I was somewhat in charge but I had reliable helpful people around me. Or at least that we communicated with each other, if there was a problem I knew I could call people. Here if there is something wrong I'm lucky if anyone else does anything about it. I want to work with real professionals. I miss my boss at United Way, she was so caring and understanding and she mentored me and made me feel like I was an integral part of everything she was doing. I either want to be a boss or have a boss like that. I'm just lucky I have any job at all it seems. I could have stayed at Captel but it was mind-numbing and had nothing to do with my degree. At least here it has something to do with social work, even if it's not a real professional job.
Ugh I just hate my life sometimes and I'm going to quit ranting because I sound pathetic.
Dec. 13th, 2007 @ 01:58 pm
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| » we could be bouncing off the top of this cloud |
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I haven't posted in awhile, mostly because things are good, and busy.
I am super-excited to see Tori Amos on the 3rd in Milwaukee, and then Laura Love the next day in Madison! Yay :o) they are two of my very favorite people to see live.
I have to go to Oshkosh this week for an Americorps thing so that will be weird. I keep bitching about Americorps because I'm poor and it's all their fault, or something like that. I should stop but I'm just so freaking poor. It sucks. Anyway. I totally adore the kids I work with, I just wish they wouldn't have put me so far away so I pretty much have to get a car, and I can't afford one so I have to ask my relatives and I feel like I'm still not supporting myself.
David and I are good, I'm trying to work out a way to bring him to Iowa for a weekend to meet my family, after which he hopefully will not run away screaming... no actually I think my family will like him a lot so that is why I want them to meet him. I think we can go down there for Thanksgiving. I am such a homebody lately. Sigh. I am totally in love. It's great! :o) Tonight we're going to Karaoke kid to check out the Sociology department folks. I have a feeling that will be fun, but anyway I was looking for an excuse to go there since I've never been.
Oct. 15th, 2007 @ 07:50 pm
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| » I lesbian you too |
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I like this "According to Jim" show- the last episode had a cute guinea pig, and this one has a character who listens to George Takei motivational tapes.
So I started my Americorps job a few days ago. So far I haven't done anything but fill out paperwork and meet people, but tomorrow I'm going to Vera Court neighborhood center for 8 hours so I'll probably do more there. I will probably get to lead the middle school service club, and maybe go along for kayaking club, go on some field trips, tutor 6 kids a week, and come up with some fun activites to do during after school stuff. It all sounds pretty fun.
I'm not out to anyone at school yet but I did see some safe zone stickers and rainbows so I think there are some hip teachers there and the school nurse hands out condoms to kids, which I thought was super cool.
David and I decided we should have some committment to each other, so he's my boyfriend now but I'm not exactly sure what that means other than we probably will have some other conversation about things before I see anyone else or whatever. But it feels a lot better now. I was at the point where I could barely hang out with him becaus I just wanted to know where things stood. I think he wasn't sure what was going on. I think we're both kind of dense and maybe we deserve each other. But he makes me happy. I think I can talk to him a lot better than some of the other people I've dated.
Sep. 5th, 2007 @ 08:09 pm
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| » bougainvillea |
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I like that word. I (theoretically- so I don't get in trouble) captioned it once, and I knew it was in a Tori song so it made me happy.
So I didn't mean that same-sex couples can't be committed- obviously they can, and statistically I think they do a better job at it than opposite-sex couples. It's just that my queer-culture-informed brain can imagine about 1 million ways to have a relationship (and sex) and it seems most straight people think there's only 1. Regardless of how many other ways they do experience relationships and sex. There's only one REAL way. So that's all I meant. So he said, you know straight people have culture too and I said, yeah like white people have culture. It's really boring and oppressive. I think that made him mad. If straight people and white people want to be proud of their/our culture, they/we should make it better.
Aug. 31st, 2007 @ 12:37 pm
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| » alpha in her blood |
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My dad is so cool. I was talking to him about my guy issues and he was like, yeah that's pretty typical young guy thing they get freaked out if it seems like it's turning into something serious- because for straight couples there is this more serious relationship trajectory, and it's different than for gay couples because they can be like "we're together, we're not together now, we're together again." He totally gets it. So he told me to just give him some space and see what happens, which is pretty much what I was figuring out anyway. That's what Sreya told me too. And Oprah magazine told me my relationship pattern was informed by an abandonment complex, which I already knew. I think I have adult-onset attachment disorder. But it's a lot better now that I have meds. 3 cheers for Prozac (fluoxotine). It's only $4 per month, and it's money well spent. That and gin and limes and a detachable massaging showerhead and a push-up bra.
I just think I want to know if he's not into me as a girlfriend, then we can still have casual sex and watch Star Trek, but not if it's going to be all weird because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Why can't people just be up front about these things? Why does everyone have to have weird sexual hangups? Of course I say that like I'm all cool but I might already be too far gone to make that work. Or not, who knows. Actually I'm taking this all so well that I think I'm not really that into him, I was just into the idea of being with someone again and the idea of having access to power through money and status and all those things. But honestly I was getting bored anyway. I still prefer my showerhead. And I have lots of really great friends, some of whom are also very cute, which helps me not be lonely.
I get to start my new job on Tuesday, and my last day at CapTel is tomorrow, yay! I'm also leaving community car because I don't think I could make the schedule work with the Americorps. I'm going to spend the first part of the afternoon tutoring middle schoolers (in any subject, yikes) and the second part supervising after-school clubs. I'm hoping I can help some kids have a more positive middle-school experience than I did, mine kind of sucked. Although it was infinitely better than high school. I need to figure out how to make an extra $100/month though because my Americorps salary won't quite be enough to live on... I'm open to suggestions on that...
Aug. 30th, 2007 @ 11:07 pm
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| » you think you're so smart but I've seen you naked |
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Sreya you are sweet- she calls me and offers to buy me chocolate or ice cream (soy) and we're going to go to iQ night tonight. U R a good roomate :o)
I feel like I want the middle of everything- man/woman, straight/gay, political/apolitical, fun/serious... someone balanced, not mood-swingy and bipolar but just balanced. Maybe I need to find a Libra. Or be polyamorous. I'm not sure.
Someone who can appreciate curb shopping and fine wine. Why not? Why limit yourself.
Flings are fun for awhile but they always mess up my emotions. If only there were a pill you could take that could keep you from falling in love. I know I do that way too easily and I feel bad about it for some reason.
Aug. 29th, 2007 @ 08:13 pm
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| » When I was down you just stood there grinning |
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So I figured it was about time to figure out what this guy is thinking about me and it wasn't really what I wanted to hear. It made me angry and unhappy. I was in a bad mood to begin with and I really needed something nice and reassuring, yes Dite you are a special person but I got the lamest response. Sigh.
Apparently I'm not really girlfriend material for some reason- we have this odd mix of extreme closeness and then total noncommunication- which I supposed was pretty normal for a hetero relationship. I wanted to know what he thought but feared being seen as annoying, female, and that whole lesbian-stereotype of wanting to process everything. Ugh. So I figured I'd let things lie and wait for him to tell me what he was thinking, but he never did. So finally I just had to know so I asked and he was like, well, I feel like we don't really have much in common. I don't get that, because I thought we had a lot in common. So we don't like the exact same bands or whatever, but it seems like he expects some level of perfection that is impossible to attain. That's sort of how I used to be. He is so young and inexperienced with relationships, I think he expects things that never really happen in real life.
Or maybe I'm just too queer for him. He didn't say that but it is what I was thinking. I just went through agonizing over whether my resume and job history were too queer- applying for jobs to work with kids and then not getting them time after time. Then I toned it down and just got a position. I was very upset and I was trying to get him to understand, but he just didn't get it. If being Asian meant people wouldn't hire him for a job he really wanted- but that's just not how it works and he pretty much has no idea what it's like to be discriminated against, or else completely ignores that it goes on.
And he thinks I'm self-centered somehow, which is strange. Yes, I have some clear ideas about what I want to do. I'm not sure where it was all coming from. Maybe he was in a bad mood too. Anyway, I think I am going to tell him I don't want to see him again until he can decide what he wants our relationship to be, can tell me what he wants/needs, and if he does want me to be his girlfriend he has to learn to talk more, or at least try. One of the nice things about guys is they don't constantly talk about their feelings but I suppose that has a downside too. There must be a middle ground! Maybe I need to date someone who's genderqueer instead.
It sucks because I really like him, I really want to be in a relationship but I'm sick of friends with benefits I need some sort of commitment or I am going to look for something else. I'm not really a very patient person these days.
Aug. 29th, 2007 @ 04:17 pm
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| » I don't know about that |
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Good news: So I'm finally having some good sex for the first time in a very very long while. Also, I installed a new showerhead all by myself so I feel all butch, and my apartment is presentable and cool and we have fancy Martha-Stewarty shit like potpourri and flowers we bought at the farmer's market. I feel cool :o)
I soon hope to have a jewelry-making/ab-fab watching/martini party in my new place.
Captel is OK but I hope to get this Americorps thing where I can work at a community center with kids. I'm already bored of captioning phone calls.
The only weird thing is I'm in this kind of confused place with my "relationship" with this boy, who I've been seeing for over a month now but have no clear idea of what our committment to each other is and what he wants from our relationship. We can talk about anything except that it seems, although I know I just need to bring it up- I just am trying not to need the committment part of things- like I actually would be totally cool with an open relationship but that's still a relationship and right now I feel like I can't even call him my boyfriend until there's some sort of discussion about what we are to each other, but he totally feels like my boyfriend, not just friends with benefits. I think for friends with benefits you have to like, be just friends first, and we never were. But we can hang out like friends, and then have sex and it feels kind of separate, except that he pays for nearly everything. I just tell myself it's because I'm poor and he has money to spend. Otherwise we'd be eating the ramen noodels I found on the curb. Which is fine with me. Anyway, I'm so used to the queer relationship trajectory that I feel kind of lost when I'm in a heterosexual situation. I want him to know what to do and he doesn't because he doesn't really have the experience, and all my experience is kind of non-relevant because it's all kind of weird. And it's weird not having a commitment of any kind when you could become pregnant and because I'm a bit of a hypochondriac I'm obsessed with that but I'm getting better about it. The FAM thing is nice. I was like, hey I know I can't get pregnant today. Although my doctor was trying to tell me all about Norplant and scary shit like that because he says condoms are only 85% effective. Well, that's really good enough for me, because Norplant is like 100% shitty. And the amazing thing was, I woke up and took my temp, and it was much lower and I was thinking, hmm I should get my period today, and 10 minutes later I did! No more wondering if I was going to get it for a week. But mostly that was because I was dumb and lazy and didn't bother to keep track. Anyway, now I feel like I know what my body is doing at various times.
Aug. 20th, 2007 @ 09:09 pm
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