this journal is going to slowly (or maybe not so slowly) become friends protected, and in fact, this will be my last entry here. it's for a lot of reasons that i need to stop blogging at this site. this decision comes with a lot of heartache as this has been my most consistent blog home since i began blogging, and because so much of my life is invested in this site. but it's time for me to move on and to create a new space for myself. so i am protecting most of the entries that remain here, and i am moving on to a new journal. if you would like to continue to accompany me on my journey than please either email me at: divinemaddness at gmail dot com, or leave a comment here with your email address so i can contact you with my new blog address. i definitely want to continue on with the community that i have found here, just in a new space.

thank you all for reading and for being so encouraging.

hope to catch you on the flip side!

last night i had a dream (in the short bit of time i was actually able to sleep) that i was with my great grandmother and she was dying. and i told a friend that appeared in the dream: i know the time is coming: the wall between the worlds is thin.

got word today from union that i have been accepted!!! woo hoo!!!! i am very, very excited about going to union.

now i am also very tired and so i must go to bed. this bar training is going to kick my ass. i can just tell.

hopefully i'll have time to write more tomorrow before i go to work.

i was reading a blog today written by a queer christian and he said something that really moved me and i though i would share it here.

"I don't need to fight for my right to be at the Lord's table. I already am. He invited me. He has also told me to go and invite others to the banquet."

that was just really meaningful to me. and then i read the newest post at http://www.reallivepreacher.com and that moved me as well.

i am thankful for these voices.

today i watched the documentary "no day but today" that was included as a special feature on the RENT dvd. i cried. then i finished reading anthony rapp's memoir (he played Mark in RENT) and i cried more.

where the hell are all of these tears coming from? i feel so raw today and so unsettled and i have no idea why. i wonder where these tears continue to come from and when they will stop. and i wonder if maybe there's something that i should be grieving that instead i am just shoving done. and i have no idea.

i survived the weekend snow storm. my manager very kindly cut me as a day person on saturday and so i was able to get to steph's house before the roads started getting bad. it was quite a relief. we spent sunday lying around watching tv and reading with just a short romp in the snow and the required shoveling. i was bummed that we had to miss church, but hey, it snowed a lot. what're you gonna do?

tuesday night at work was INSANE. just so, so crazy. we were ridiculously busy. i worked a double that day: over ten hours. i made $175, though, so that rocked. but it was a long day. fortunately i had today off to recoup.

i mailed out my seminary application today so it is now out of my hands and in the hands of the office of admissions. i am feeling kind of numb about the whole thing. i am working so hard to not get my hopes up because so much is riding on my acceptance (especially in my own mind) and so i don't want to be disappointed if i don't get in. i wonder how long it takes them to make their decisions? fortunately i managed to get my application in even before the priority deadline, so that rocks.

i finally watched "hotel rwanda" tonight. i've been meaning to for ages but just couldn't psych myself up for it. tonight it was on showtime and i made the decision that i was going to sit there and watch it. first my critique: nick nolte sucks. other than that the movie was fantastic. it made me cry. there's this scene where the priest and the nuns are ushering in the people thinking they are all going to be saved and they start separating out the white people from the black people and it's just heartbreaking. and when the un officer tells the main character that he's worth nothing. that his people are worth nothing. i just don't understand racism. i don't understand genocide. i can't wrap my head around it at all.

the issues of social justice weigh on me these days but i don't know how to help. i mean what do i do? what do i have to offer? my white ass sitting in the middle of pennsylvania woods living with my mother. working to pay my bills and not having much left over. and really would throwing money at anything solve the problem? i want to go help but i don't have the time. or i tell myself that i don't have the time. maybe i just don't care enough. maybe my priorities are fucked up. but still i sit here not sure how to help.

at the moment i am taking a break from ripping my apartment apart and putting it back together again. i can never do things simply and just straighten up; nope i have to majorly clean and it takes forever and i poop out in the middle of it. that's where i'm at now. sick of cleaning but things aren't put back together yet. and i am going to steph's this weekend and don't want to leave it half done. so i need to finish it in the next couple of hours before i go to work tonight.

so they are calling for a huge storm tomorrow. figures. it always happens on saturday into sunday. it makes my drive to steph's treacherous and then cancels any plans we might have had. then it clears up so that i have to go back to work on monday. that sucks.

work took forever yesterday. i worked a swing and the day just drug on. i hate that. and it was slow which really sucked. i made okay money but nothing spectacular. at least it will be enough to pay a bill or two.

all right, back to cleaning. i may be back in a bit to procrastinate more. we'll see.

Buffy Congratulations! You scored 37 Stakes!

Congratulations, you're the hero. Too bad you did you're big heroic thing and got rewarded by going to heaven, when your friends ripped you out and into your coffin where you had to dig you're way out, but hey, they had all the right intentions.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender : You scored higher than 96% on Stakes

Link: The Once More With Feeling Test written by parker7906 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

i have been working quite hard on getting everything done for my seminary application. the great thing is, though, that i think i am almost done. the last person that i needed to hear from for a recomendation called me today and he's in. so that's cool. i have mailed or faxed the forms to everyone who is completing them. my fafsa is in and has been processed by the government, my transcripts have been requested and since i rushed them they should be on their way. i finished my application and i'm just waiting for a couple of people to check out my statement for me and i will be good to go. i am hoping to mail the thing on friday morning. this means it will be in before the march 1st priority deadline. and that is quite exciting. then of course the waiting game will begin and that will totally suck!

i found out there are some american baptist scholarships and so as soon as i found out whether or not i got in i will apply for one of those. and next year i am planning on applying for a UCC scholarship for gay seminarians. so that's cool, too. every little bit helps.

there is also an HRC faith fellowship program that i might apply for for next year. you get a stipend which would help and it sounds like really cool work.

there are a lot of changes on the horizon and it's really exciting but also really scary. there's just a lot to think about. i just hope it all works out.

i've had the past two days off of work and have been enjoying getting a lot of reading done as well as getting to finish up all of this work on my application.

i've got some thoughts rolling around in my head that i want to share, but i am really hungry at the moment and so they will have to wait.

found this online and think it's a good cause. check it out and help if you can: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5661657753

it's a woman who is trying to get through law school and is having a bit of trouble. so yeah, if you feel like you can help out that would be awesome. figured i would post this and see if anyone could help. the listing ends soon, but hopefully she'll relist.

i don't have a lot of time to update because i have to go to work soon. i've had a pretty restful week. i worked three day shifts and then had yesterday off. tonight i am working a night shift and tomorrow it's a swing. hopefully i'll have the same section tonight that i had last week. then i can make decent money and get out before 11. which is nice.

still working on my seminary application. i have made some progress, though. mailed out one recomendation form to the person who will be filling it out, faxed in my transcript request, filled out my FAFSA and submitted it, signed the form for that and sent it. so definitely making progress. i just need my other two recomenders to email me back and agree to fill out the forms and i need to finish the application and write my statement. but definitely making progress. i might actually get this stuff in by the march 1st priority deadline, which would be awesome.

not too much else is going on. oh! i did read "the davinci code" yesterday. all 454 pages of it. and i totally loved it. a highly entertaining book and cool because it fit in with much of the non-fiction stuff i am reading. it was quite fun.

all right, time for me to go. i have to get my work clothes out of the dryer and start getting ready to head out. maybe i'll have more time to write later. i hope so.

there is so much that i want to post about but i just never feel like i have the time or the energy. and now here i am again and i only have about 40 minutes until i need to leave for work and i am still in my pjs. crap. so instead i am going to put a list of things to blog about so that i remember and tomorrow on my day off i will hopefully expand the list. so here goes:

*the antje/cheryl show
*church on sunday
*reading the bible
*my devotional book
*asbury park
*the story of b
*christian magazines
*coming back to life/reversing burn out

so that's the list. i'll really, really try to get to it tomorrow. i have a lot of thoughts rattling around in my brain and am really looking forward to having some time to share them.

for now enjoy looking at one of my other south park icons that i made the other day. aren't they cute? actually steph designed this one.

i was tagged by heather to put on here a list of three unknown facts about me. i'm having trouble thinking of things, but i'll give it a try.

1. i feel compelled to finish every book i start, whether i like it or not. sometimes i forget about a book, but i always feel like i have to read the whole thing, no matter how long it takes.

2. as a kid i had a reaccuring dream involving a snake wearing a bow tie and a top hat, who sat in the middle of a field next to a sewage pipe. scared the crap out of me every time. the snake never did anything, just spoke to me. i would wake up in panic and search my bed thinking the snake was in there.

3. as a kid i had a male alter ego named timothy.

and i'm supposed to tag three people. i choose: pyrusj, elemental amber, and ziggiethegreat

i have to go to work in like 20 minutes, bu ti wanted to write something quickly. hopefully a better email will come either tomorrow or thursday because i have both of those days off. yes, that will hurt my wallet but will be miraculous for my mind.

i am in the midst of reading several books at the moment. i can't settle down enough to choose just one. and i have several others that i want to start. maybe in the next two days i can actually get more into them and maybe even finish one. that would be nice.

i wish i didn't have to go to work tonight only because it's been such an enjoyable day so far. i know that work will be fine, but i wish it didn't have to interupt with my flow of thought that i've got going on at the moment. i wrote a really long email to a friend that i haven't talked to in forever and was able to verbalize (write) some things that i haven't gotten to share with anyone and that was just really nice.

i've been reading the bible today (more on that later) and that's been a really great feeling.

i drank tea and ate pasta with the sauce that i made. i also had some ice cream.

i did my laundry and actually kept up with it.

i started a new book and read a portion of my new devotional (more on that later as well).

i'm just feeling in really great spirits today. i had a wonderful weekend with steph. we made it to church this week and that was really necessary. it was a great sermon on dr. king.

we watched "kinsey" which is a really great film. and we watched "the l word" which was also good. we ate amazing indian food. we spent a lot of time cuddling. i bought new cool books at barnes and noble and got a cool "buffy" calendar. and i got a blazer at old navy for $5.

all right i've gotta get ready for work. i will hopefully write more really soon. and it will hopefully be worth reading.

a real post will probably come later, but for now: apparently livejournal has a new scrapbook thing and i uploaded some recent photos. if you go to my user info and then click on the pictures link you should be able to see them. i posted a photo of safi, a photo of treva, one of steph in her punk band, and one of me. so go check them out!

Your Existing Situation

Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give her recognition and approval.

Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality

Your Restrained Characteristics

Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but need reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.

Your Desired Objective

Feels she has been unjustly and undeservedly treated and betrayed in her hopes. Disgruntled and in revolt against her existing circumstance which she considers an affront.

Your Actual Problem

The unsatisfied desire to be respected, to stand out from amongst her friends, is causing some anxiety. As a result, normal gregariousness is suppressed and she refuses to allow herself to become involved, or to participate with others in their ordinary activities.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
it seems like almost everything was new in 2005. i dated someone for the first time, first kiss, came out to my mom, etc. etc. etc.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't really make resolutions because i never keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
a couple of friends from college had babies, and so did my best friend from high school. unfortunately i don't really talk to these people anymore.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
thank goodness, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
toronto, canada for pride.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
a place of my own

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
january 28th: that's the day i met steph in person for the first time. april 30th: that's the day steph and i became official. august 16th: that's the day i started my job at tgi fridays.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i guess being able to be honest about myself with my mom. even though she kind of outed me, the result has been for me to be more open and that was a huge acheivement. also, leaving the church, while not an achievement necessarily was still a really huge deal.

9. What was your biggest failure?
in a lot of ways i feel like leaving the church was a failure, even now. i gues though, that really it was just the way things ended that makes me sad. i wish they had ended on a better note and with less drama.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yeah, a nervous stomach that landed me in the ER. surprisingly (i'm being sarcastic) it's gone now that i'm out to my mom and done with the church.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
probably my car. a pontiac sunbird. i really like it. i paid for it all by myself. and it's been reliable so far.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
beth stroud and her handling of her church trial.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
gw bush. but that was last year, too.

14. Where did most of your money go?
toward my car, and getting out of debt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
steph and all that went along with our relationship beginning.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005?
i don't know. since teri said "hollaback girl" i have that stuck in my head and can't think of any other songs. damn that song. oh, i guess, though "first day of my life" by bright eyes because that's my song with steph. and probably "silo song" by chris pureka because it was very influential in my relationship with steph.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier. way, way happier.
b) thinner or fatter? i'm not sure. probably a little fatter. my weight has seemed to fluctuate a lot
c) richer or poorer? richer i suppose mainly because i have less debt and am paying my bills on time. i still don't have any savings, but i'm getting there.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
take photos, save money, travel

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
dealt with drama and trying to please people. oh, and work. but that's a necessity.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
lots of running around to differently families houses. it was wonderful.

21. How did you spend New Years?
worked during the day, went to people from my old church's house, watched the ball drop with steph and had my first ever midnight kiss.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
hardcore.

23. How many one-night stands?
none for me.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
i didn't watch a lot of tv this year, which is weird for me. i guess "alias" even though i haven't seen the new season.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope.

26. What was the best book you read?
(this is when book journals come in handy) i read a lot of books this year that i thought were really great and that influenced me a lot. here's the short list: "if god is love" by phillip gulley and james mulholland, "the raft is not the shore" by daniel berrigan and thich nhat hanh, "reallivepreacher.com" by gordon atkinson, "rescuing jesus from his friends" by ray pontier, "reading the bible again for the first time" by marcus j. borg, "beyond belief" by elaine pagels, "a new kind of christian" trilogy by brian d. mclaren, and "a generous orthodoxy" by brian d. mclaren.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
bright eyes.

28. What did you want and get?
a girlfriend. *grin*

29. What did you want and not get?
a place of my own.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i really liked "mr. and mrs. smith" the narnia movie was awesome. "brokeback mountain" was excellent but i don't know if it was my favorite cause it was depressing.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 25. steph took me to new york to see "altar boyz." it was a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
probably being able to move out. but i'm hoping to do that this year.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
as of late my friday's uniform has been my standard. it's hard to think past before i started at fridays. this has been a really tumultous year. but anyway, i suppose since most of my clothes come from H&M, whatever is going on there is my fashion concept.

34. What kept you sane?
steph

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
i guess brian d. mclaren because i read four of his books this year. he's really amazing.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
gay marriage and gay rights.

37. Who did you miss?
i missed a lot of people this year. mainly because i feel like a lot of ties have been cut this year. but that's an okay thing as well, even though the missing is hard.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
steph!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
being honest about who you are is a really amazing feeling. and knowing that if people don't like you for who you are, then they don't need to be in your life.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you had just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

"first day of my life" by bright eyes

i forgot to put this one in my survey. thanks to those who have already responded. i appreciate it. here's one more question:

how did you know for sure that you were ready to get married?