Unless you were a test-tube baby. Which you weren't.
I passed out for a couple minutes earlier. It's probably due to some combination of Benedryl, my newly increased Lexapro dosage, no food today, and the fact that Erica accidentally made me a White Chocolate Mocha with six shots of espresso (instead of my usual four) earlier. After lying on the couch for a bit, I drank some Cranapple juice and felt better once my blood sugar got... well, altered in whatever way juice alters it. Increases it, I assume. I don't know; I just remembered that trick from the last time I passed out, a few years ago. I was at the duplex that Jen and Anne shared, and was watching Conan O'Brien as Jen slept in the other room. Anne returned home from seeing Hannibal, and as she told me about it, I fell unconscious onto the couch for some reason, and when I came to, she handed me a glass of juice to fix things. That's a nice memory.

Why do people have kids? Ever? I'm serious. I started thinking about this while writing to Adrienne the other night, and it's been eating at me ever since. What logical reason is there to have kids? I can't think of a single one, and neither could Jon or anyone else we work with.

Before I get into this, though, I should make it clear that I'm not saying it's morally wrong or irresponsible to have kids. Some of my friends have kids, and I'm sure they thought things through beforehand, and they're great parents to boot. But I can't think of a justification for it. It seems like such a bizarrely unmotivated act, no matter how many people do it.

For example, I asked my mom why she'd had me, and she said, "Because your dad and I loved each other and thought it would enrich our lives."

ME: "Isn't that kind of selfish?"

MOM: "Yes. It is. But that's just... the way it is. We care about each other and we knew we'd do everything we ever could for you, and I've always known- as far back as I can remember- that I wanted to have kids. And I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think your dad would be a good father, or if we hadn't been able to afford it, but it just felt right. And you know, if I'd known that the world was going to go the way it's gone in the last 23 years, or if I'd known that you'd feel the way you feel about your life [i.e., hating every second of it], I would never have had you."

ME: "Well, I'm not mad or anything. At you, anyway. It's too late, and I'm here. No use being mad at you guys about that. But why would you want kids?"

MOM: "Just to have someone there to love, I guess... That's it."

ME: "That's illogical, though. Because you're making a person who's going to have to struggle through life and pain, and who's going to just die eventually. What's the point?"

MOM: [Long pause.] "Honey, just try not to think about it."

I can usually rely on my mom to have a good, thoughtful answer for things like this, so now I'm thoroughly baffled. At work, Anne L, who's a mother of two, said that she had kids just because she wanted them, but couldn't give an explanation as to why. Finally, she admitted that she hadn't really thought about it; that she just felt like she wanted to have one. Sandy (childless) said having children is an inherently selfish act, because people are usually trying to fill some void in their lives, or live vicariously through the kids or something. And Jon offered that most people are just taught that it's what you do in our society: you get married and you have kids, just because. That's the social convention. Which I'll grant, but why is it? I know we've all got a sex drive and a lot of people have an instinctual desire to have kids just because that's the way we, as humans, are wired, in order to keep the species alive. However, there are too many people in the world as it is, so why add to that, even if refraining is going against a basic drive? It's not a logical urge at this point.

Why else? I know some religious denominations teach that it's a married couple's duty to procreate because the Bible says, "Be fruitful and multiply" in a context that's frequently misinterpreted as a command. But even if you believe it's a commandment, that's flawed, because if you believe that God already knows what's going to happen in the world, and all things work according to His will, then if you choose not to have kids, you must not be meant to have kids, right? (And then we get into a discussion of free will vs. predeterminism that I don't wish to explore here.) So that's out.

Because you think it would be fun? Or (crimony) because you like kids? That's really short-sighted, because kids grow up. Doesn't matter how much other people's kids gravitate toward you, or how much you enjoy babysitting your neighbors' toddlers; the fact is, one day, you will no longer be responsible for an easily-monitored three-year-old. You will be responsible for a 42-year-old divorcee who drinks himself to sleep every night at his job as a graveyard shift security guard.

Basically, I'm not sure if anyone really thinks through the fact that when they have kids, they're not just putting together a little version of themselves; a computer simulation of what it might be like to morph you with your partner. They're creating a whole new human being, who is going to have problems, who is going to have pain, who is going to have to toil and suffer through life until he inevitably dies someday. I suppose if you're more optimistic about the world than I am, you could make an argument for "the gift of life." That is, if you truly love it on Earth, and think this is a great place full of nice people and fun and beauty, I could understand wanting to make someone new to share in that. At least your motives are generous there. The bottom line, though, is that it strikes me as being tremendously unfair to place the responsibility and burden of life upon a creature who had no say in the matter. You're forced to be born, and you're forced to trudge through this life until you die (which is really the only meaningful choice you can make around here: whether you want to cut out early or stick around until your number comes up for some other reason that's as out of your control as everything else).

I'm not sure how well I'm articulating this, but think about it. Again, there's nothing wrong with being a parent. I love my parents, and I feel very lucky to have them. And I know lots of people who either have great parents or who are great parents themselves. It's a nice support system to have. And the rationale behind having a kid becomes moot once the kid is here anyway. It doesn't matter whether the critter was a drunken accident or whether you just thought it would be cute to have a baby around the house or whether you thought it would lend your own life some meaning, or any of a million other reasons; there's now another life going on thanks to you. And the person you made might love it here, or might hate it, and which of those two results occurs might not even be in your control as a parent.

But why? Can someone give an answer that will satisfy me? Life has seemed mind-bogglingly pointless to me for awhile now, and I think I've finally traced it back to the fact that my very creation was to serve as a novelty to my parents instead out of any consideration for what I might have to go through. (Again, not that I resent them for it. Though I did ask my mom to pay me punitive damages for birthing me.) So maybe if I can figure out some justification for having kids, I'll have a foundation to build on as far as understanding and perhaps appreciating the purpose of the rest of my life. I've already made the decision that, as long as I'm here, I'd like to try to make other people's lives happier in any way I can, because we're all in the same boat and it gives me pleasure to be useful to others. However, that doesn't change my gnawing suspicion that it's all ultimately futile. Thoughts?

CURRENT MUSIC: Farther Along: The Best of the Flying Burrito Brothers.
CURRENT MOOD: Disenchanted.
CURRENT AMOUNT OF MONEY IN MY WALLET: $19.