Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dirtyjoe81's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Friday, November 10th, 2006
10:56 pm	I know I haven't posted in....well....longer than a while, but, you all need to see this. Brilliant http://www.break.com/index/office_space_recut.html (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 24th, 2006
10:30 am	www.concertforhelpinghands.com I just wanted to let you know that if you want to request a song for the concert, or there a Karaoke song that you would like us to add to the list...We need to know as soon as possible so that we have time to prepare it properly. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
2:28 pm	I would publicly like to thank Josh for the sweet movies that he let me borrow. Rules Of Attraction was quite the film, and Blue Velvet was completely nuts. I need to read all that Brad Easton Ellis stuff...that guy rules! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
8:45 pm	Go here, and watch this vid... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBYPaNc57Ik&search=autistic%20basketball%20player (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 27th, 2006
10:02 am	I just wanted to add that the last post that I did was not written by me. I don't want you to think that I'm funnier than I really am. Don't get you're hopes up, kids (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
11:17 pm	Please If you are squeemish...do not read on Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
1:36 am	Bear + Trampoline + Tranquilizer = Funny http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7761231905389466400&q=bear+trampoline (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
11:18 am	Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky". Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes making love to his waitress. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.” Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 17th, 2005
10:59 pm	Merry Christmas!!!! This is something that I'm hoping will put you all in the Christmas spirit (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
4:27 pm	... Hmmm...I guess people in North Korea do not like as Americans very much http://www.robpongi.com/pages/comboFUCKINGUSAHI.html (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
10:33 pm	I seem to have lost my cell. If you need to get ahold of me, either do it on here, or email me at Jkylman@gmail.com (Comment on this)
Monday, August 29th, 2005
5:33 pm	LET THERE BE RAWK http://www.therawker.com/index.html (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
9:22 am	Your Political Profile Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal How Liberal / Conservative Are You? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
11:50 pm	This is something good I found online, and I felt the need to share with you... If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this. *Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.* *Eisenhower has joined the game.* *paTTon has joined the game.* *Churchill has joined the game.* *benny-tow has joined the game.* *T0J0 has joined the game.* *Roosevelt has joined the game.* *Stalin has joined the game.* *deGaulle has joined the game.* Roosevelt: hey sup T0J0: y0 Stalin: hi Churchill: hi Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks! paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks T0JO: lol Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression! benny-tow: haha america sux Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool? Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever Stalin: cool deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me Roosevelt: get antiair guns Churchill: i cant afford them benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is? paTTon: stfu Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army paTTon: yah hurry the fock up Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck *deGaulle has left the game.* Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k? benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair? benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head? Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u Hitler[AoE]: wtf Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me! T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol benny-tow: haha benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1 T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya Stalin: church help me Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here Stalin: dont be an arss Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late Eisenhower: LOL benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help Hitler: o man ur focked paTTon: oh what now biotch Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol *benny-tow has been eliminated.* benny-tow: lame Roosevelt: gj patton paTTon: thnx Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record Eisenhower: Nuts! benny~tow: wtf that mean? Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker Stalin: rofl T0J0: HAHAHHAA Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.* benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL Stalin: OMG LMAO! Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows *Hitler[AoE] has left the game* paTTon: hahahhah T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs benny~tow: shut up noob Roosevelt: haha wut a moron paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now? Eisenhower: yah me too T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol Eisenhower: fock u paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie Stalin: go to hell lol paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk Eisenhower: yah this is gay *Roosevelt has left the game.* Hitler[AoE]: wtf? Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join *tru_m4n has joined the game.* tru_m4n: hi all T0J0: hey Stalin: sup Churchill: hi tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff! tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets T0J0: wtf is nukes? T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****! *T0J0 has been eliminated.* *The Allied team has won the game!* Eisenhower: awesome! Churchill: gg noobs no re T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck *T0J0 has left the game.* *Eisenhower has left the game.* Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for **** Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss tru_m4n: l8r all benny~tow: bye Churchill: l8r Stalin: fock u all tru_m4n: shut up commie lol *tru_m4n has left the game.* benny~tow: lololol u commie Churchill: ROFL Churchill: bye commie *Churchill has left the game.* *benny~tow has left the game.* Stalin: i hate u all fags *Stalin has left the game.* paTTon: lol no1 is left paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep *paTTon has been eliminated.* paTTon: o sh1t! *paTTon has left the game.* Current Music: Cream - Fresh Cream (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
10:08 pm	(9 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
6:22 pm	So, now they interupt my Comfortably Numb guitar solo from a band that hasn't played together in 25 years, to a guy that saw a shirt earlier in the day that said "Pink Floyd is Back" and this guy from VH1 goes "Truer* words have never been said on a T-shirt" JUST SHOW THE FRIGGEN MUSIC! I HATE MY LIFE (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:49 pm	Live 8 is so f-in stupid. They can't even show the best scream in ROCK HISTORY on the stupid television show. They were showing We Don't Get Fooled Again on VHI. The song is pretty cool, and I stayed tuned in just to watch Daltry do the scream at the end...and they cut off to an interview with Destiny's Child. I hate my life (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
6:51 pm	Hey Missey!!! You left your pop can on my desk. Would you like it back? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
10:19 pm	Here is a test for my fellow music nerds. I'd love to here how you did http://www.couplandesque.net/culture/musicnerd.htm I'm a bit disapointed...I only got a %67 I thought for sure that I was going to be in the 80th percentile. Well, have fun, and I'll see you on the flip side Everyone, please, just Wang Chung Tonight Current Mood: tired Current Music: Carl Miller - Rhythm Guitar (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, June 6th, 2005
2:34 pm	Here's a story that one of my friends told me.... Ok, so we have these sheep. Why? Because my wife said we were getting sheep. Anyways, one of the sheep was this little baby bottle-fed ram. One day the baby ram becomes a young adult and decides to headbutt my 8 year old son. My son got flying lessons but was unhurt; it could have been very bad. (Keep in mind that sheep are 60 pounds of genetically-engineered head butting fury. They can *cream* you.) So wife says, "We gotta get rid of that ram." Two days later, the wife mentions that the ram is dead. I go out to look, and there he is, dead by the fence. We don't know why. My guess is that he tried to head-butt the neighbor's sheep through the fence and broke his neck. So my son is crying because his sheep is dead, and I have to dispose of the carcass. No gov't agency seemed to be responsible for sheep disposal. So I start digging a hole. Did I mention it was August and HOT? I dig and dig, and dig. I am sweating my brains out, and my back hurts. I don't want scavengers digging this thing up and spread its parts everywhere. Finally, I am done. The ram is stiff from rigor mortis. I grab the sheep by the hooves, drag him a few feet, and drop him back-first into the hole. THUD. Done! ...and it's legs are sticking up out of the hole by 10". And they won't bend. The blood drains from my face. It's one of those moments were you utter a single profanity, quietly. The grave looks like this: _V_V_ My son is there, so sad. I can't lift this rotting thing out of the hole. It's too heavy and I have no leverage. "Son, why don't you go inside now..." He walks toward the house. I wait a few minutes, go to the barn, and get a hatchet. I can't hit the sheep. I just can't. But I have to since I can't get it out to make the hole deeper. So I steel myself, and take a feeble swing. To my surprise, the legbone breaks. "THIS IS EASY!!!" Three more swings, and some creative folding, and the ram goes on to the next life with 86.3% of his original dignity! (1 Comment |Comment on this)