Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Xander Black's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008
8:00 pm	I'm gonna smile, cause I deserve to Okay, so here's how it goes. I'm fucking bored at the moment, I like want to gouge my eyes out just to feel something. Is it bad when things get so monotonous, that I would prefer physical pain over the same routine over and over again, that I've been dancing for the past four months? I mean, seriously, I don't know what's wrong. I'm been depressed, I've been getting bored easily, and lately the only time I can find any happiness is when I'm away from home. I hate being here. It sucks. I just wish I could find someone to move in with. I might see if I can move in with my mom's parents in Stoutsville, which is about a half hour away from here. I mean, at least I wouldn't be so fucking bored all the time, and I would actually have people to talk to, and people who actually want me around. I know the latter sounds silly, but I feel like my parents don't want me around anymore. I don't know why I feel this way, I just do. And it's sad really, cause no child should ever have to feel like their parents don't want them here. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I mean, I'm so fucking bored, I think I'm slowly going insane. Even though my muffler is broke, I might get in my car and go to my brother's place. At least I would be around people who actually like me being around. Granted, they're not the cleanest people in the world, but it beats sitting around here doing nothing, plus I have to work tomorrow at 2:00, so I wouldn't be wasting my gas, I'd just be going into town early, like uber-early, but oh well. On top of those feelings, I've been having really bad stomach trouble, and I don't know why. Yesterday on the way to my Networking class, I threw up three times, and it was all blood. Not sure why I threw up blood, but I did, and it was painful. I think I'm developing an ulcer, which sucks, cause that means I'll have to lay off the spicy foods, which I love. I just don't know what to do with myself lately, some days I feel perfectly fine, and other days, I feel like I just want to jump out in front of a semi that's hauling ass down 772, and have myself splattered all over the pavement, then maybe I could have some excitement in my life. So yeah, on that happy note my peoples, I leave you. Current Mood: weird Current Music: Leona Lewis - "Better in Time" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
2:40 pm	Only Stupid People Are Breeding Haven't updated in a long while, about 3 weeks, I think. Not much going on. Spring quarter is almost at a close. One final tomorrow, and one final next week, and then I'm off for a week, then I go back on the 30th of June. Lately all I've been doing is work and school, work and school. I'm really bored at the moment, not much going on. Got home early today, had my Comm I final, then I came home. Been feeling really lethargic lately, and I have no idea why. On top of that, I've lost like 20-25 pounds, and I don't know why. It's really got me worried, but I can't go to the doctor, cause I don't have a medical card, and I have no health insurance, so I just have to hope that this problem corrects it self, which I hope it does, cause it's really annoying, and none of my pants fit anymore! DAMN IT! I really need to get off my ass and start getting the kitchen cleaned up, cause I told Mom I would clean the kitchen for her today while I'm off, so she doesn't have to do it when she gets off work. So yeah, that's all for now. I'm gonna go clean -__- Health & Wellness to all who read this! Jay <3 XOXOXOXO Current Mood: weird Current Music: B52's - "Love Shack" (Comment on this)
Monday, May 26th, 2008
8:13 am	I'll look after you.... So yeah, went to and hung out with James last night, he had everyone over, since he's shipping out this week. It was me, Dawn, Laura, Heather, Kyo, and Phil. I didn't expect to see Kyo there, but it was fun. We played Super Smash Brothers on the Wii, then we went outside on the back patio and played Nerk, which I had never played until then, and once I got the hang of it, I had much fun playing it. We left James' house about 9:00 or so, he wanted us to leave early so he could spend time with his family, which I don't blame him for. I've been sick for the past week, and for some reason am not getting better. I have to work today, from 11:30 - 4:00, then I have to go to my dad's mom's for dinner after I get off work. I had a lot of fun last night, but ever since I got home last night, I've been a little sad. Maybe it's also from hearing the news that Phil is moving to Cincinnati with Kyo. I mean, yeah I don't see Phil that often now, but maybe it's just the thought of him being so far away, that I just can't call him up and be like, "Hey do you want to hang out?" cause he'll be almost two hours away. Plus, then again, there's also the fact that two people I liked, were in the same room with me last night. I mean, I'm over both of them, but I also think that seeing both of them, at the same time, after having my recent breakup and little battle with Andrew, all of that at once was just too much for my system. Today is going to be a very trying day for my emotions. Even now, I'm choking back tears at the thought of everyone leaving me. I guess I'll just have to get used to it. It's a fact of life. People come and people go. The important thing: Never get attached. Current Mood: sad Current Music: RENT - "Without You" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
11:39 pm	Inspired by my mini-me Because of You I will not make, the same mistakes that you did, I will not let myself, cause my heart so much misery, I will not break, the way you did, you fell so hard, I’ve learned the hard way, to never let it get that far, Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt, Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid, I lose my way, And it’s not too long before you point it out, I cannot cry, because I know that’s weakness in your eyes, I’m forced to fake, a smile, a laugh, every day of my life, My heart can’t possibly break, When it wasn’t even whole to start with, I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep, I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me, You never thought of anyone else, You just saw your pain, And now I cry in the middle of the night, For the same damn thing, Because of you, Because of you, Because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt, Because of you, I try my hardest just to forget everything, Because of you, I don’t know how to let anyone else in, Because of you, I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty, Because of you I am afraid, Because of you… Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Kelly Clarkson - "Gone" (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 27th, 2008
2:43 pm	Of all the things I've believed in, I want to get this over with So yeah, just got home about a little bit ago. I've been staying in town all week cause I didn't have the gas to go back and forth between, home, work and school, so I stayed with my brother. Go my ear pierced on Friday before work. I got the top part of my cartilage pierced. I like it, but it's still a little sore. I'm gonna put a hoop in it as soon as I can change it after the six week waiting period. Here's a picture: Off work till Thursday, then I have class on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So yeah, not much going on at the moment. Bye for now Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Michelle Branch - "Goodbye to You" (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
6:53 pm	That lad is drinking me out o' house an' home. Okay, so yeah, not much has been happening lately. Finally back in college, I have classes on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 9AM to 12:40PM. Work has been cutting back my hours severely, so I'm off like all week, until the 19th, which pisses me off. Got my hair chopped off, so I have short white-blond hair now. WOOT. So yeah, not much new like I said. All for now. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Toy Box - "The Sailor-Song" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
7:59 pm	Film the World Before it Happens So yeah, not much going on. Finally got the old motor out of the Beretta. Got off work today at 2:00. Was supposed to go see about my financial aide for college, but had to reschedule my appointment for next Tuesday at 12:00, cause my brother called at like 1:00 am , and said that they had to put Keri in ICU, and that she was unconscious, so I told dad I'd reschedule my appointment in case we had to go to the hospital when I got off of work, but we didn't have to go out to the hospital, so I left work early for nothing, but it doesn't bother me cause work lately has been getting on my nerves. My manager is starting to be a REAL DICK! Anywhoo, I got Panic's new cd. Pretty. Odd -- It's something funky and something fresh. My favorite song so far is "She Had the World", which is track 13. If anyone wants a digital copy of the cd, just leave me a comment, and I'll send it to them via Megaupload. ;) Current Mood: happy Current Music: Panic at the Disco - "She Had the World" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
6:15 pm	Clock still ticking, life goes on..... Haven't really updated in a while. Not much to update on. Rain, Rain and more Rain, and not the hot Korean singer, either. Work is being a royal pain in my ass, and I'm gonna put in for a transfer next week, cause a girl over in Accessories is leaving, so I'm going to apply for the job. I mean, it can't be too hard, I'm a cashier now, and all their systems are the same, just new merchandise to learn. I mean, I like everyone I work with now, it's just my boss is a royal prick. Like today, we were slow, and there wasn't anything to do, and so he goes to someone else, and he was like, "You need to put Jason to work." Oh fuck naw! That royally pissed me off. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if he would've just been like, "Go see Sandy and see if she needs you to do anything." That would've have bothered me one bit. But it was just the way he did it. So yeah, I'm gonna transfer. Going to a college tomorrow to see about their Network Security program, which is a two year degree, so hopefully something comes of that. My car is still broken. I spent $375 on a motor yesterday, so hopefully as soon as it dries out from all the rain, my dad can get my car in the garage so he can put the motor in it, cause I am so fuckin tired of not having a car. It is so tired. On another front, I'm still single and hating it. So I guess things are good, but they could be A LOT better....And I mean, A LOT better. So hopefully I don't like, die in my sleep or something, cause I guess that would be a bad thing..... Current Mood: weird Current Music: Reba McEntire - "You're No Good" (Comment on this)
Monday, March 10th, 2008
9:51 pm	This bitch needs slapped in da face! Okay first off, some embedded media for you all to watch: So yeah, needless to say, that senator is a dumb twat and needs to be slapped. Not much going on right now. I'm kinda excited. There's going to be a masquerade ball held at the gym where we graduated by the local GSA, I'm thinking of going. I think it'll be fun. It's on April 5th, I think, so I'll have to make sure I'm off of work. Yup, just checked, it's on April 5th. I'm just wondering, what to dress up as... hmmm....Choices choices. So yeah, like I said, not much going on. I'm off tomorrow, so that's a plus. Current Mood: weird Current Music: Reba McEntire - "For My Broken Heart" (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 8th, 2008
10:37 pm	Flamer on.... Blah. Snow, snow and more snow. That's about all I can say. Didn't work today. I called off, but they ended up closing anyway, so good. Bored. Like seriously. Working on a Tekken slash fic. It's a Jin / Hwoarang pairing. I'll post it when I'm done Current Mood: bored Current Music: Reba McEntire - "Red Roses (Won't Work Now) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 5th, 2008
1:17 pm	Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in your hands Not much has been going on in the life of me. Nope, a whole lot of nothing. Currently I'm still employed, still without a car, and trying to get a job at the Dupont factory in Circleville, cause I need medical benefits, and my current job does not off any kind of benefits for me whatsoever, and I can't get a medical card cause they say I work too much, so I have to find another job, which sucks, cause I like the job I have. I guess you have to do what you have to do. Right now, I'm trying to make things work with a guy in Columbus. We've been talking for about two or three weeks now, and things are working good, but the problem right now is, I have no car, and it's really hard for me to do anything because of that fact, but we're still talking, and as soon as I get my car fixed, we agreed to meet up at Easton Mall to spend the day together, but I told him, I might have some friends with me, and he said that was okay, that he just wants to meet me. And I really want to meet him. He even sent pictures to me last night, of himself where for some odd reason, he wrote my name on his hip. Weird. Oh well. I'm off work today, but I work tomorrow. And with that, I leave you with two pictures of Andy: Current Mood: happy Current Music: Yiruma - "River Flows in You" (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
9:02 am	This sucks..... Ugh. I'm so drowsy right now and drained. We kept having people pull in our driveway and knock on our door last night cause of the weather. Talk about annoying. So we have like two cars in our driveway that's not ours because of the weather. And goddamn I am so fucking tired, and I didn't get any sleep last night, cause of what was going on, and when I started to fall asleep, some new idiot would show up. Then I ended up waking up at 7:30 this morning, and I have to be at work at 12:30 today, so going back to bed wouldn't really do any good, which sucks! Cause I'M FUCKING TIRED AND I HAVE TO FUCKING CLOSE TONIGHT!!! FUCK! So yeah, I'll have to put on a false cheery mood all day, and hope to god I don't bite someone's head off. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Travis Tritt - "Sometimes She Forgets" (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
7:41 pm	Tragedy Please read and pray for the family of the victim ( Click here to read ) Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
2:22 pm	How do measure a year? Okay, so yeah, not much has been going on lately. Mostly all I do is work, and it's kinda getting monotonous. And annoying. Still alive though. Current Mood: blank Current Music: RENT - "Seasons of Love" (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 12th, 2008
8:17 pm	Poetry: Strong Enough Strong Enough by: Jason Walsh 2/12/08 8:16 PM Why does love have to be so hard to find? I am a loving person, but no one seems to feel the same way I feel about them. It all started with a simple feeling. A flutter in my heart. But the flutter in my heart was fleeting. Because they never feel the same as I feel about them. I wonder if I'm supposed to find someone. I wonder if I'm meant to share my lfie and happiness with another. Everytime I feel like I'm starting to like someone, my heart freezes. My heart freezes and runs in the other direction. Sometimes I wish there was someone who could catch my heart, when it runs. Melt my heart when it freezes at the sight of love. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to endure this pain. Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel love. Because I know I am not meant to feel love. And it's all because of you. You were the one who froze my heart. You were the one who caused it to run. Because of you I shall possibly never know love. I cry everynight in my sleep. I shouldn't let my heart cause myself so much misery. You think I would've learned the hard way to never let it get that far. I wish I could just make this all go away. Wake up one day and never have to feel this again. Just wake up and not have to deal with this heartache that I walk around with. It feels like a weight of a hundred pounds in my chest. There are times when I find myself just wanting to cry. But sometimes I cannot just break down and cry. No matter how much I want to. I just want to sit down and cry, but I cannot. For I must be strong and push on. But how long can one be strong enough to push through their own emotions before one breaks? Current Mood: creative Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - "Fallen" (Comment on this)
Friday, February 8th, 2008
9:33 pm	OMG! There's a new Karaoke Revolution out, and I want it. http://www.konami.com/Konami/ctl3810/cp20110/si3076924/cl1/karaoke_revolution_presents_american_idol_encore I want it so bad, but I can't find it online anywhere other than Electronics Boutique, and that's in Lancaster, and I don't have a car! :( But at least I have the money to buy it. WOOT! Unfortunately , I couldn't find a song list yet. :( Current Mood: happy Current Music: Elton John - "Goodbye Yellowbrick Road" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 29th, 2008
11:18 am	I want to turn back time and have you here with me So not much going on right now. It's raining outside, and I guess it's a nice change from the snow. I'm off today and tomorrow, so that's nice. Lately I've been very confused about things. I'm not sure why, I guess it's just one of those things that comes from being young. I've been this way for about a week, and it's getting rather draining. I've tried not to think about it, but it keeps finding a way to seep into my mind. Lately, I've been wondering whether I'm meant to do anything with my life, or have anyone to share it with. I'm not sure what brought these thoughts on, but lately that's all I can think about. not sure why, but I do. I've tried not to, but I can't. On a lighter note, I think my other car is almost fixed, which makes me happy, cause I'll be able to take myself to work again, which I haven't been able to do all month. I think dad said it needed one more sensor and tags and insurance, and it's good to go. So hopefully things work out. And there's two movies I want to see right now, that's in theaters. Well, one doesn't come out till Friday, and one is in theaters now. I want to see 27 Dresses, which is in theaters now, and I also want to see Jessica Alba's new movie, The Eye, which opens this Friday. So yeah, that's all for now. Bye! Current Mood: confused Current Music: A Fine Frenzy - "Almost Lover" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 20th, 2008
7:11 pm	This is a different kind of love song, dedicated to everyone Pffft....Really bored at the moment. So yeah, I'm currently without a car. Which sucks. My Beretta, the black car I have now, it blew up on me yesterday on me on the way to work. I'd been having problems with it since the Thursday before Ohayocon, and dad finally got it all fixed, and I drove it to work yesterday, and I was on 23, and just got off the ramp and turned onto 159, when the next thing I know, the steering wheel locks on me, and my engine dies. But luckily I managed to get it off onto the shoulder after it died, so I didn't get hit by anyone. So I called Dad, and he came and picked me up and took me to work. So yeah, basically after Ohayocon, my weeks have been shit, and it's really getting old. Like pretty damn quick. I really hope my luck starts to turn around. So yeah, I work tomorrow from 9:45 - 6:00, so that should be fun....Not. I mean, I still like my job, but we're in a dead period right now. I worked last night, from 4:45 to close, and I swear, I only waited on maybe ten customers, if even that. It was horrible. And I was basically by myself, cause everyone else was doing inventory. Talk about boring. So yeah, that's about all for now. TTYL. peace out peoples! Current Mood: bored Current Music: Cher - "A Different Kind of Love Song" (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 6th, 2008
11:05 pm	Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away So yeah, this weekend was Ohayocon. It was okay. I mean, it was fun, but it wasn't like last year. There wasn't that many good panels, and it was just kinda blah. So yeah, all in all this weekend was pretty good. Friday we basically just walked around the convention after we got there, but we didn't really do anything because we didn't have our passes, because we just got a Saturday pass this year instead of the whole weekend, because it's pointless to get a three day pass if you just go the first two days, and basically all the passes are good for is getting into the panels and the vendor's room, and that's it. So yeah, that's my little rant on Ohayocon this year. What this post is mainly about is something that's been bugging me, ever since I got home today. For those of you who were at Ohayocon with me, then you know about the guy I met on Saturday night at the rave. And needless to say, that was the reason I went back over to the rave Saturday night after we had come back. For some stupid ass reason, I couldn't stop thinking about him, I don't know, maybe I'm some kind of pathetic loser, and I meet a guy I think is "interested" in me, and I of course, get the deer in the headlights look, along with the horse with blinders on, and I fall right off the cliff and onto a bed of rusty spikes full of disease known as sorrow. So anyway, after I got back to the rave, I found Ian (the guy who hugged me before the rave started), and I followed him around the rave until I could finally get a chance to talk to him. Finally, after I got his attention, we started dancing. We were dancing for about 30 - 45 minutes, then we left the rave to go somewhere and talk. We went to the room with all the chairs and couches, I think it was a bar or something, cause people were drinking. But anyway, we were sitting there talking and everything, and we instantly clicked. Then while we were talking, out of nowhere, he looks at me and says, "You're cute." then jumps out of the chair he was sitting in, and plops down on my lap and wraps his arms around my neck and we basically sit there for maybe five minutes staring at each other, then he kissed me. And yes, what I am about to say may sound super corny, but it's how it happened. He kissed me, then we stared at each other again, then I kissed him back, then next thing I know we're making out. We sat there and made out in the bar for maybe a half hour, then went back to the rave, where basically all we did was grind and make out. It was actually very nice. At least now I truly know I am gay. But that is not the point of our story ladies and gents, oh no no no. So, finally, at about 2am, I told him I had to go back to my room because I told my friends I wouldn't be gone that long, so he walked me outside and to the front doors, and we exchanged e-mails and kissed for maybe ten minutes then I left to go back to the hotel room. So I went back to the room all giddy and happy. Then Sunday happened. After I got home today, I checked my Myspace to find, oh I have a message from Ian, so I opened it and basically here is what it said. "Dear Jay, Had a fun time at the rave the other night. You're really cute and a good kisser. You're also a very sweet guy, smart and funny. But here's the thing. Remember the girl we were hanging out with in the food court? That's my girlfriend. So I hope you didn't read too much into Saturday night. Because it didn't mean anything. I hope this doesn't hurt you too bad, because I still want to be friends with you, but if you don't, that's okay. Ian" As soon as I finished that letter, all I could do was cry. I mean, I know it's stupid, but I did like him. I mean, talk about pathetic, I meet one guy at a convention, and start to like him. How pathetic is that? I mean, it was basically a one night stand kinda thing. Why the hell did I get so emotionally attached in such a short period of time? Does that mean I'm needy or some stupid shit like that? I mean, goddamn this has been eating at me all day. It's been messing with me so much, and made me cry so much that I've been getting sick at random. I just don't understand it, and it annoys the hell out of me. I mean, if I get attached to one person I randomly met, can I ever be in a real relationship? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Jo Dee Messina - "Love is Not Enough" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
10:27 pm	WOOT! I have the following days off! Sun 12/30 Mon 12/31 Tues 01/01 Thurs 01/03 Fri 01/04 Sat 01/05 Sun 01/06 If anyone wants to do anything on those days, just tell me. Oh btw, is anyone doing anything for New Years? I know Mel said she was doing stuff, so let me know Current Mood: amused Current Music: None (Comment on this)