ooh do people still visit? i am currently here.

Mish n Caz bloggin Malaysia/China 2006/07 at http://caznmish.blogspot.com".

OK. some people dont like posers. some dont like punks. some dont like girly girls, or gangsta bois, or WATEVA else. but all this UNIVERSAL PROSECUTION of emos is realli getting to me. i dont know why: i LIKE emos. i have a few realli emo friends. i am emo-ish myself. it's unexplainable. it doesn't need to be explained, does it?

why do people hate emos? alan said, "it's the onli social group that's antisocial... emos are lonely together". how is that a reason? i think most social groups are antisocial! thats why they're called social groups! because they socialise amongst themselves. is it the way they look? their uniformed gothic-punk look? is it because they think a lot and extrapolate on their feelings? is it juz people fulfilling their need to outcast some and those being the people you dont understand?

i dont know. this isn't an argument for or against emos realli. its more of a rant. its more of me saying: i juz wish people would stop ragging on them. because it feels so hateful.

again, i dont know. i digress. i cease. i QUIT, all my pretty wallflowers.

hehe.

heehee.

today im kinda high on the moon cause:
1. my torts exam was this morning --> over and DONE with. my dad gave me a lucky charm and a lift to uni today lol. i realli hope i do ok. i honestly dont know if it was hard or easy. i dont want to think about it. i repeat, over and DONE with.
2. found out i got 70%+ for my chinese oral. not that its outstanding or anything, but i did believe i fukd it over with my repeated "er...A shi shenme? B shi shenme?" so... yay!

newaiz...27 more days to msia!

dear world,

sometimes my academic desperation terrifies me a little. terrifies in that i feel it and yet i do nothing.

i've handed in my speculative fiction folio, a day late even with the extension. and i really was very ashamed to submit it. the plot had not been well thought out as i kept changing the scenes so i could fit the mofo of an idea into a little over 3000 words. the characters were embarassingly cliched. the writing style was inconsistent, mostly abrupt. but i had to hand it in or else i would have just kept writing a never-ending story and i desperately had to turn my attention to torts.

ah torts. i NEED to pass it, and this is a need beyond anyone's comprehension i think. the exam is on the 7th and as of right now, i am trying to cover a topic a day. as of right now, i am already one day behind. i go to sleep at 3 in the morning, prepping myself with images of the alarm going at 6 and myself rolling straight off the bed and switching on the laptop. obviously it doesnt happen. i sleep till 12, get up, panic and work till 3 in the morning again. it's a catchup routine im already used to.

till next i procrastinate,
mish.

dear world,

i've been accused, though not for the first time, of being too philosophical and thinking too much. but for reasons i shall keep to myself lest i be accused of yet another thought-crime, i don't think i shall give up my thinking ways. thinking is good for you! sometimes. onli if u don't take ur brain seriously.

i have juz returned from sophie's 19th burpday celebrations. did not stay long because of assignments due last thursday, yet uncompleted. i had a few cocktails though at soph's and now my stupid personified, talking brain is fuzzing and tellin me to sleep because hey, i still have one day of the weekend left. and i want to but after washing my face, i have decided that i will do some work after all. i might as well work hard and have an awhsome holiday after. yay for malaysia! yay for china! even though china is a study programme and still, work. but i will be somewhere foreign! and new! and filled with unexplored places to explore! and to caz: by those unexplored places i don't mean jungles or whatever sort of forestry existing in china. unless u have found me those elephants. i must have elephants.

a few pimple beginnings have found their way onto my face and the tiny, squishy one in the middle of my nose is a particular brat. it seems like the facewash i bought on sale is not working. i shall apply some lotion and keep everyone updated. since i noe everyone is interested in pimples, particularly those that are not their own.

today is teegs and sammy's 8 month anniversary so HAPPY ANNIVERSARY you. it seems so long ago and WAS so long ago smeegs and i talked and walked the single life together. so i got the bois first, but she alwayz keeps hers longer. it's depressing if anyone wants to think about it and luckily none of us do. me, the least. at least at the clubs, i can smack her.

mish: put down those man-luring lashes! leave the bois!
smeegs: u dont even want these bois!
mish: but i can have them. go to the corner! no sashaying!

teehee. life can be good sometimes.

but i will leave u all now. this long post is onli due to my need to procrastinate u know, but my creative writing folio awaits me and though it is but a faded love, i owe it some still. though i wonder if some of the old romance is coming back into it. lately, i've been plagued with thoughts for a script. a script, i say! stick to the short stories and the novels, even poetry, michelle! u know nothing of scripts! but no. it has come to me as a script, so i must write it as such. when i have time. ah time. beauty and enemy of life.

ciao my lovely pumpkins! or carrots, whichever u might be. much luv and till next i blog, i remain

your faithful naglewuff,
mish.

This is raw. I apologise. Recently, I can’t stop thinking and it’s so bad for me, so bad and I don’t want to lose my mind again. I am back on Episode 3 of Mars and Ling is running for Qi Lou, running to save her while Da Ye falls further and further behind.

Da Ye saw more of Qi Lou than others did: that strange, silent girl who was too afraid to speak let alone cry. He understood the silence, understood the fear and he actually cared. He wanted to be nice to her and make her happy and protect her from every bladed wing… he makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and I want to hug him and shave his sideburns – yet I can’t help but realise Da Ye never really had a chance. It never really mattered what he saw or how much he wanted her. How much he hurt.

Because whatever Da Ye saw, Ling saw more. What Da Ye wanted, Ling wanted more. Ling, like Da Ye, was nice to her and made her happy and protected her. But he also asked her time, her effort, her strength, demanded her to be more than she could possibly be. He cared for her and he also hurt her. Needed to save her and needed her to save him.

There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.

-- G.K. Chesterton

Ling saw Qi Lou, all of her, every bit and fragment and crumb, the good and the bad. The ordinary. The extraordinary. Saw her past, present, future. The reasons, the possibilities, not just the sadness but the happiness. Saw the pathetic, the fear and hate and anger and love, needs, wants, talent. Beauty. Heart. Soul. Life. Everything she had ever been, everything she wanted to be. What she showed the world, hid from it… what she tried to show it.

Da Ye watches Qi Lou and sees her like we do Schindler's List. It's all black and white and grey and that breath of red shows you just how beautiful everything must be. Ling doesn't even have a monochrome function on his remote and can only know how beautiful everything is.

I want your eyes. I want to see like you do.

He could see it, he couldn’t ignore it, and that’s why Ling and Qi Lou are together and Da Ye runs still like a blind fool.

There are many things I have to say and would like to articulate, but today, I prioritised.

Firstly, I have bought my third pair of shorts. And Caz has bought her first. Teehee. Though Caz's pair is more awesome than mine. They're made out of black and white checked material and have cuffs and a ribbon like belt. Is fully sik.

Secondly, I have a bruise on my knee and the only reason I can think why is because I crossed my legs too long. Is that quite possible?

Thirdly, I have gone crazi over the homosexual innuendo in my Scandal album. This gonna be a mofo of a post so I present The Cut:

( KANGTA&VANNESS The First Album SCANDAL ! )

wow. they must be giving HDs out like mooncakes! (ref. lisa) i got two! for my blogging unit and creative writing one! yay me!

mcw has come and gone. i lost my voice at spring feast but it was very much worth it. very very much and i regret none of it. how easy it is to say that now. now i onli have reports to write and the article for lighthouse. this iss thing has been enormal fun and ive met so many fantastic people along the way, gotten to know a few even. and SO MANY of them, i admire because of their dedication, their enthusiasm, their good-nature and acceptance of life as a whole. but still, it took quite a bit from me. not the work, not even the time, but gaaawd, the commitment! it's so difficult to commit myself to anything but my own thoughts and hey but you know, that explains more of me than it should.

my scandal cd is on its way. im still a fangirl of old, there's a bit of shame and pride in everything. also caz and yo and i are going malaysia and china end of year. people, u r either azn or ur not, u r either aware of ur aznness, or ur not, but me? i am loving living this azn culture.

this blogging thing isn't quite what it used to be.

( I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do. Cause I'll never be with you. )

Every year at cocktail, this song catches me out. Funny that.

To beloved people. An epoch in my life has happened on me, so subtly I am still half denying it. That is all I will say on that matter because though I love everyone the same, there is a deeper sorrow inside me. It is not a depressing sorrow, but something deeper, more mature; it's a realisation of the truth and of the world.

Sorry for the crazi language; I've been reading a lot of Anne.

November Baby:

Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind. Repost in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming up sometime this month.

dear world.

sigh. this blog post is meant for lisa. it's late (not so late) night and im meant to be studying? mcw-ing? something productive anyway. instead im juz rather jumpy and shooting off bad jokes all over msn.

i have so much to say, so much i want to say but i wont, mainly cause im not sure if i can fit it into coherent sentences, but also cause it's not appropriate for me to voice these thots.

but if i could ask a ques now. do u think ethics were ever based in feelings? how do u noe when to do what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'? sometimes, when the want consumes u, how do you draw the line between someone else and urself?

haha. but cocktail is on friday so all's good anyway! ill see all da sexy chigs again, minus teegs who is the biggest, drippiest toerag cause she'd rather go playaz instead of cocktail, and rather do her assignment than go to both. woteva! she is no friend of mine!

newaiz, gotta wake up early apparently to skip class wit lisa (??). ciao bellas!

I know this is gonna be kinda weird but I was thinking about it last night. Sometimes the idea of developing a relationship with a friend is a little bit sickening to me. Sickening is not a nice word, but it’s right to me, where I feel uncomfortable and head-spinny and HANG-OVERISH.

When you’re friends with someone, it’s right, it’s comfortable you know. You can be friends with anyone, anywhere and the only condition of friendship is that you don’t expect anything from each other. With some, this is natural and it comes from the first time you meet. With others, you learn not to expect. Till a time where you can’t even fathom to expect.

Then when feelings change as they seem wont to do, your friendship changes too. I think a friendship is different from a relationship in that the love that exists in either is incomprehensible to the other.

Even if the other doesn’t reciprocate the change in feelings, or even if they do, if they confess this new feeling, if they don’t, everything is different. Talk is different, tease is different, touch too. You see things that you’ve never seen before, or perhaps you can’t ever see the same person you knew once. It’s awkward beyond words, beyond tears. Sometimes it hurts a little too.

You’ve spent all this time defining your friendship, not really knowing what the boundaries are yet you realise they do exist and I think crossing boundaries doesn’t always have the sense of adventure some say it does. A multitude of questions run through my head: why is this happening – what changed – if it wasn’t like this from the start, how can it be like this now – how do you treat a friend as more than a friend –

It’s not that I’m opposed to the idea of being friends before anything else really. It’s just that the idea of being something other than friends, it just disturbs me sometimes.

"If someone said three years from now
You’ll be long gone
I’ll stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong

…I wish I could remember."
--Who Knew by Pink

This is my half an hour break between doing everything. In this half an hour, I am meant to eat lunch, bring it the laundry, hang out a new wash, fold the laundry, fix my hair and sort out all problems that exist within the Media department for MCW.

As it is, there is five minutes left and all I have done is eaten my lunch. And emailed people randomly.

It's reassuring to know that you're young and not getting things done right now will not necessarily affect your entire life. At least, not yet.

The onli thing that comes close to worrying me is my Torts assignment. Which is worth 40% and due in six days. Of which failing means bad marks, angry parents, and eternal doom. All of which I avoid worrying about by merely not doing it.

It really is nice to be young.

Sometimes I am so weak. Sigh. I shouldn't give in to peer pressure but sometimes it's fun. Hehe.

So I'm paying for my MSU ball ticket tomorrow. Person (like moi) with little savings and no job and an eBay addiction shouldn't be paying $88 for some party where I'm accidentally going to drink a little too much and humiliate myself again. I can think of far more economical ways to do so. Really.

But. Ignoring the fact that my lifestyle seems to see my future income coming from the charity of the government and public, life is not all bad.

Yesterday I obtained my driver's licence, which is awesome and awhsomer. It was onli realli dampened by Smeegs msging me to say congrats and that she was getting a new car.

Silly Su-yen: It's ok. You'll get one next year.
Mournful Mish: By then, everyone's prolly getting their own jets or something.
Smart Su-yen: No by then, everyone will be driving their 1 year old car while you're driving a brand new one.

BAH.

Mebbe I shouldn't be posting when I'm in such a bad mood but I think the care factor has been chewed and spat out.

So. Why am I in a bad mood? Oh many things. The weather, my hair, spending money, having no job, having too many assignments, being let down, LIFE. BAH.

This MCW thing can go and effn rot in the sewer. I am this close to flaying my own ass because you know what, I never really realised how inadequate I am. Can't design, can't organise, can't pull in favours, can't fkn be bothered. It's one of those unexplainable things though, because you know you can actually, there's no actual disability or lack of talent but something's still stopping you and that thing is motivation, the daymn bitch.

And then today I discovered eBay and realised why people had tried to keep me away from it in the first place. I'm hooked on this whole bidding concept since it's so foreign and new and fast. God, I love it. But people who loved me knew an idiot with a wasting addiction shouldn't ever be let near a utopia/dystopia like eBay and why didn't I listen to my mother when she said online shopping is an ill-fate?

To put the whole tin lid on everything, my Folio Outline got completely RIPPED apart in the workshop today. Nicely. Because they're all realli nice people (and you may not believe me, but there is no sarcasm whatsoever here) and incredibly brilliant besides. I hate brilliant people because they're like the dream you can never live, and they see right through your shallow superficial bitchass self. I wonder why no one ever told me I couldn't write; now I'm shattered like a half-empty beer bottle on the streets. Funny how things turn out.

And oh, now I rmb why no one told me, didn't even listen to my own mother so why would I have listened to my friends. Mebbe they did try to tell me, mebbe my Year 9 English teacher reading outloud to my class was an attempt to discourage me but I didn't even see it.

I know I'm going to regret putting this up tmr or what now: how dramatic is it! But at least I'll get a good laugh out of it sometime in the future. Hey, at least it's real.

I took away my layout. Not that I don't like it, or don't appreciate the time mithborien took to make it for me but I'm juz feeling like the white for now. Sometimes a change is good.

Bleh. Mebbe this will be a short post because I need to log off and finish my webliography assignment. Its something close to awful you know, having to read copius, obscene amounts of academic journals and summarise it. Tedious. Boring, rather. It's meant to be all about cyborgs, technology and bodies, etc. but all I can think about is how much I want to watch anime. *shame*. I want to finish Naruto! I want to watch Fruits Basket again! I want to watch the one about the girl with a machine gun arm (cyborg influence)! I want, I want, I want... I wish I was like Noelle or Lisa who did it all last week instead of leaving it to the last minute.

It doesn't end after this either. I have a Folio Outline due on Tuesday for my Speculative Fiction tutorial. Which I haven't started. A little part of me regrets having taken up the unit; I haven't written anything for the longest time and I think I may have forgotten how to. I do have some ideas in my head involving angels in suits (idea no. 1) and a traveller, wind and forgetting (idea no. 2). Don't ask. Nothing is coherent as of yet.

Bah. Feeling like an academic failure so will continue on with the assignment now. Even if I kill myself with caffeine, I will not be buried till I finish this.

Much luv popkins.

Mother sprayed her perfume in the bathroom. Now it smells like... Chance. Lol. I think when I grow up I would like to smell like my mother.

I've also juz finished eating green jelly. Green confectionary remains the best in the world! Unless its a bogey flavoured jellybean. Woe.

Today, there was a showdown in one of my tutorials. Grumpy Frumpy Tutor vs Agro Fat Girl. Sorry. I mean fat without any malevolence whatsoever. For me, fat is only a description. The tutor let us go early because there was so much tension in the room; I could have taken a bite out of it. It was all rather amusing actualli. Until the tutor turned on me. Picture: innocent/beautiful lambchildthing suddenly ravaged by mean, vicious WOLF disguised as a person of patronage and guidance. I was accused of lack of participation... Lack of participation I say! So I had you as a tutor last sem and so I was, as Alan coined, the Door Seat Lurker with nought a thought or comment to spare, but let bygones be bygones! Live and let live! I have made an effort this term have I not! Daymn bitch.

Anywayz, my poppies. Im off. Have to do Torts reading and general catching up before sleep. Tomorrow I gotta wake before 8am to meet Jason at uni, and design MCW posters. The things I do for MCW. MCW. *sigh* Dat da bitch I luv.

Certain people should stop bothering me for not listing them on the easiest people to talk to list. I onli listed those I had spoken to in the last hour. Fool. With the exception of Stee, who if I can hold a fairly decent and involved conversation with after not seeing each other for what? Three years? Thats gotta be something.

The theme for this blogpost and well, life I suppose, is: amusement.

On Traditional Tight Ass Tuesday, I went with Kimmye and Da Shiz for waffles. Kimmye said: "I hope when I'm old and fat, my husband will still want to touch my ass." WADDA!! It made me laugh. But you can kinda get where she's coming from. LOL.

Last night, had a full committee dinner for MCW at Dragon China. Had a FAB time. Loved the company. All 25 of us trooped over to Utopia after and mucked around. And Lord, Anny! I want to write something on her, but she's more of an experience really.

Speaking of Utopia, saw Daryl there. Not to copy the whole Alan-Lynlee thing, but either he's stalking me or I'm stalking him cause I've been bumping into him a lot in the last, oh, three days or so.

Not really a rivetting post. But there we go.