Dark Purple Rain

09:19 am - just watch the videos.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=macs_cant

11:30 pm - I am a cation.

I feel very full lately. Not in terms of food, but in terms of... I don't know, the non-tangible matter that makes up a person. Does that make any sense? Like I have too many feelings and thoughts and even just too many particles, bouncing around, crashing into each other. I feel like an electron who is way too charged for its own good. I need to find a new ion to bond with. And the full-ness makes me gross and emotional all the time and makes things like a little girl hugging her mom or seeing a really bright star make me want to cry.

Being home is strange in that way that brings its own set of benefits and drawbacks which are totally the opposite of what I've been dealing with for so long at FPC. On the one hand, I don't have that freedom I've loved. On the other, I have structure; I can't skip work the way I skip class, because it is a business, and would fall apart if people didn't do what they were supposed to. And I like that I have a new set of people to spend time with, but for some reason, I find myself clinging to Pierce people, because they're all I know right now... more like, they're the only ones who know ME. And for a change, there are so many things I want to do every day after work, and I have to choose one destination and one group of people to hang out with, as opposed to the same party every night like the past semester; but for some reason, those are the first people I call whenever I have post-work downtime. It's so bizarre. Meh.

Some random guy, whom I know I've been selling Camel Red Lights to every day at 10 am since my first day back, came into the store today and told me that it was my smile that kept him coming back, even though there were cheaper cigarettes right next door at CVS in the same building. He basically was like "I don't know you very well, and you don't know me at all, and I know I don't mean very much to you, but you are one of the brightest points of my workday every day. I just wanted to tell you that." For some reason, it made me really want to cry. Thankfully he left before that could happen. It's weird, but I feel like he isn't going to come back for cigarettes tomorrow. That sounded like a goodbye. So odd.

As much as I complain about my job, it's cool in that I basically have an 8-hour span where I go into AutoPilot and go through the motions of being chipper and witty while actually, I'm vegging out on the inside and having my daily allotment of alone-time. Blah blah blah.

Every day, I have a new realization about how awesome NYC is going to be, when I get there.

New favorite song of the week: Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's. Favorite part of the song:
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
And we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Confession: Most of the time when I listen to it, I substitute "Wintana" for Delilah. Try it. It works strangely well.

Goodnight.

Current Mood: okay

11:35 pm - And now, the obligatory "first week home" post.

Been home all of three days. And worked the last two. Not bad though, considering I'll have 40+ hours every week. And my mom's pulling strings to get me a teller job at Bank of America, which would be super sweet for three reasons. A) they start at $10.50/hr, and if I prove myself worthy, I could be sitting at a Customer Service desk making $14/hr and answering phone calls. B)they have branches all over NYC, so I could get transferred and NOT have to waste time looking for a job. C) maybe working at a bank would teach me how to balance a checkbook and NOT pay out my ass in overage charges.

Today was fun. Got out of work, shopped with my mom for a bit, then headed over to Joan's with Bilu. We went and hit up Harvard Square, which was super-ridiculous. People everywhere, all attractive. Had amazing food at Bertucci's, went to get coffee after and ran into ISAAC MEISTER buying the same chai latte as me, which was wicked weird. He introduced me to his "friend" whose name I'm blanking on, but it was really foreign-sounding and gay. Then as I'm leaving to meet back up with Joan and Bilu, I see them sitting on this bench with a guy I didn't know. Went up to them and he turns around like "heyyyy" and we introduced ourselves. His name: Fernando Favela, "Nando" for short. Very gay, very California. Totally a theatre-gay. He and I got along fabulously, and we facebooked each other. Definitely started predicting things about me, like "you're a Taurus. And your mother's definitely a Scorpio." And he's moving to NYC at the end of the summer! Which means we'll totally be in touch. Wicked cool. And I ran into another guy, Gary, this old hippie guy who used to chill with my mom in Harvard Square way back, back when she was cool and hippieish with her afro and her bellbottoms. Oh, mommy. And I've missed JFK park at night, and the street performers everywhere, and the constant music-y vibe of the Square at night. Ah, memories.

I was so right. Being here is exactly what I need right now. I've been so stressed out lately, with my dad being so... ugh, not good, and my mom's biopsy (which turned out well, thank GOD), and everything. More than I can handle. But being here makes things okay, somehow, temporarily at least. And I like that when I do move to NYC, I'll not only have financial security, but I'll also have my family's support. As long as everything stays okay here, health-wise (ughhhh)... Okay. Anyway. Bedtime, work in the morning, then off to FPC for one more shitty night before graduation.

Love loves: call me. I'm in Boston all summer and I want to see you all before I move.

07:22 pm

Highlights of my break:

-a flight attendant saying "now we're going to dim the cabin lights... if you require any additional light for reading, just go ahead and press the button overhead that looks like a stressed out lightbulb."

-white wine with joe's mom and stepdad

-that day that was almost 80 degrees outside and we went exploring downtown Raleigh...
which is really pretty and reminds me of the best parts of New Orleans and Boston

-hanging out with jamie (a.k.a. my 9 year old best friend); riding her four-wheeler, and
chillin' at the lunch table with a class full of 3rd graders

-bridge to terabithia and music & lyrics, which were both surprisingly amazing

-reading/hearing "i am not myself these days", one of the best books i've read in quite a while

-conquering my intense fear of Sudoku, and getting to the point where i almost enjoy them

-cigarettes for less than $3/pack. yeah. that's love.

-another flight attendant singing "we love you, you love us, we're much faster than the bus.. [something something] hospitality, marry one of us and fly for free" (to the tune of the "i love you" song from Barney

-getting ridiculously drunk with Beth, the Joes, and both of my siblings upon our return to waltham



And now I'm back. Six weeks (43 days and counting...) until the end of my sentence here in Rindge, NH. And then... who knows where I'll be? What I DO know is that it will be fabulous. Time for my next adventure.

In other news... the next person to produce a venti chai tea latte and put it into my hands is officially the new love of my life. Ready, set... go.

Current Mood: calm

01:52 pm - Snow day!

Well this is fantastic. My Challenges of Business teacher's probably hating his life right now, as almost half of our classes in the last few weeks have been disrupted due to inclement weather. Oh well. All it means to me is more time to sleep and get shit done, eventually. I think I'm supposed to be going out tonight but I'm sorta not really in the mood to be social anymore. I kinda just want to sit in my room with Queenie and watch bad lifetime movies and drink tea and do laundry. But we shall see.

I don't know what brought this on. I woke up in an amazing mood. And now... yeah. I don't really want to do anything but eat and sleep. And listen to Crossfade, obviously. Glad I can be fucking around on Facebook and come across not one, but two friends from high school who have been lying to me for years about being clean and sober. Honestly, I would never judge occasional drinkers and smokers, because that would be hypocritical. But once it gets to a level where you're running away from rehab and stealing hundreds of dollars from your parents and/or best friends to buy more booze and coke, I'm sorry, I can't be okay with it. And I don't care how close we used to be. There are lines you don't cross.

Easiest, most fool-proof way to end a friendship with me?

Lie to me. I don't give a shit what it's about. I find out you lied to me, even fucking ONCE, you're cut. I don't care who you are or how much you mean to me.

/end rant.

Current Mood: aggravated

03:56 pm - first i was like this (</3), but now i am like this (<3)

Well. Glad it's already the end of February and stuff. I guess as long as I have an impending deadline for something, time really does fly. Good. I need this semester to be over so I can get on with the rest of my life... which I am actually excited for. This summer's going to be good for me. Hopefully working full time, doing a summer internship with the Winchendon Courier, living on my own (for REAL), and if I have time, I might take one class at FPC... but that's still a maybe.

This weekend was probably the most ridiculous I've had in a very long time. Talk about drama... I guess you really can't mix FPC kids with Boston kids... good thing I never really tried. Poor Joan... between Tom puking blood out her mother's bedroom window, Joe Kane slumped over the toilet for three hours puking his innards out, Paul fighting with everyone and their mother and ending up crying, Danielle's emotional breakdown, and my being obnoxiously mean to Paul, it's understandable if she never throws another party again. Whatever though, I had an amazing time. Got to hang out with Jeff for the first time since Canada stole him, and the other two I hadn't seen in ages. And I accidentally sent Paul a text message I was trying to send to Joe Smith which said "I fucking hate Paul right now... remind me to tell you why later" and Paul and I haven't spoken since... but I don't really care cuz he's a tool and that's just one less goodbye I have to fake my way through this summer.

I've been sober since Sunday and that's strange. So I think I'm going to take care of that tonight. I'm thinking seriously about dropping Media Production cuz I don't really want to fail it. I don't know though. That would put me down to 4 classes... from 6. And that would make me feel like a complete and utter failure. Meh. It would get me out of my 9:25.

I have so much to do this week and I don't know where I'm going to find the time. I might actually have to give up drinking every night... blechh. But we've already established that when I'm not chemically improved, I can't function properly. And when I'm not functioning properly, I think, and that never does any good for me, as I've proven in the last few weeks. Sooo. Drinking in, thinking out.

And I've confirmed my theory. When everything else is okay in my life, my mother finds a way to make me miserable. But when she and I are okay, like right now... everything else falls apart. Meh. My wheel will keep spinning, it's all good.

Maybe I should get to those things I've been putting off since... forever.

Current Mood: lethargic

11:10 pm - LJ fight? Fine by me.

So this one time, I graduated high school.

And I grew up.

Too bad no one else did.


[If you think this is directed at you, it probably is. I'm sick of your shit. Next time I have time to deal with insecure, whiny little brats, I'll let you know.]

03:18 am - mhmm. yeah, okay.

Oh clarity, how I've missed you. Why were you gone so long? Was it to teach me a lesson, to appreciate you more perhaps? Or were you busy, helping some other individual make important decisions and understand the everyday happenings of their existances? No? Well, whatever it was, it sure is nice to have you back. Welcome to the team.

Tonight has been nice. Temporary repreive from the unfortunate mishappenings which have become all too commonplace in my life. Hah... and against my better judgement, I took a surprise ride on the happy spaceship back to my home planet. You know, I left there for specific reasons, and Earth has been... interesting, almost nice every once in a while, but I can't wait til the day when the Permanent Transportation Device comes and takes me and all my belongings out of this God-forsaken galaxy and back to the home planet for good. Earth's cool and all, but I miss the old friends.

Yeah... but I don't have to come back to Earth 'til like, 10:00 tomorrow (my 9:25 class was cancelled but I have one at 10:50), so I'm gonna go wander around the familiar places and schmooze with the locals for a while. Peace.

03:38 pm - yeah, i lied. stolen from amanda cuz she's better than all you suckas.

Directions: Write ten statements, intended to different people - things you've always wanted to tell them. Never tell which one is to whom.

01. We'd be better friends if I weren't so afraid you'd hate me if you really knew me.
02. The way you talk about other people scares me, in that I wonder what you say about me when I'm not around.
03. I wish you wouldn't criticize me for not saying how I really feel when you're no better yourself, since I'm close enough to know what you say when no one else is around to hear it.
04. Even though we never talk about sentimental stuff, I can tell that you and I are going to be close for the rest of our lives, and that makes me so happy I could cry... and I wish I could say it to you.
05. I wish you'd just go back to the way you were when I first met you, before our relationship got so complicated that I felt the need to avoid you.
06. Sometimes I think we could really be something, if you weren't so concerned about what other people would say.
07. I know you think otherwise, but I really am over you, and I wish you'd believe that so we could be friends the way we were before everything started.
08. I envy your complete and utter disregard for the rest of the world, and I'm sorry I can't be as awesome as you pretend I am.
09. One day, you're going to wake up and realize that you've made your life mean nothing, and I hope I'm around to say I told you so.
10. I'm almost ashamed of how fervently I hate you, except that I'll never be over the way you make me feel about myself.


That felt surprisingly good. I think I'm going to go find something chocolatey.

02:02 am - Update of sorts:

- Back at school, finally. Break was nice, but it got really old toward the end. I was very ready to be back here.
- Only one resolution this year: less booze, more work. Well, more lile, less being self-destructive and more doing things to make myself happy permanently, rather than this bandaid bullshit.
- Almost have a financial situation worked out which would ensure me a car, a new phone, and an external hard-drive so my computer doesn't kick the bucket before May.
- Haven't gotten into a fight with a loved one in about a week, so maybe I'm out of that cycle of isolation I'd been scaring myself with.
- More excited than I expected to be getting back into classes and coursework.
- Excited beyond all recognizable emotion that my bestest husband ever is living right downstairs from me.
- Also slightly pumped about this semester being my return to Dorky Wintana who does crafts and reads and writes poetry at all hours of the night, rather than getting drunk and emotional and not taking her happy pills.

So yeah. That's it. Oh and if anyone's looking for me, try my AIM or email me or leave messages here or on Facebook or something internet-related because my phone is fucked in the head. I think it has suffered memory loss and brain damage up in Lisbon, NH. I think it actually tried telling me that my phone number actually belonged to an individual named Jen and that I need a credit card to make outgoing calls. Fuuuucked. So yeah that's broken.

11:59 am - Thankya Amandadada.

Comment, I'll give you a letter, and then repost with ten things you enjoy beginning with that letter.

I got W. Because it's my favorite letter, and because Amandadadadada is Amazing.

01. Wintana. Obviously. Because everyone should.
02. White chocolate.
03. Winchendon. Because of Amanda, and because of TGA, and because it made my first semester a much happier place.
04. Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years. The reason I'm called Winnie. (NOT Winnie-the-Pooh, I'm not a mentally challenged animal obsessed with honey, thank you.)
05. Weirdness. All my friends are weird, and I like the queasy feeling weird things and situations give me.
06. Winning. It's quite enjoyable. Good thing I never lose.
07. Wicked. Amazing book, amazing musical. Hope to see it live sometime soon.
08. Winter. Snow is the most beautiful natural phenomenon in the world, and I don't care what anyone tries to tell me.
09. Words. They never cease to fascinate me.
10. Writing. Because it is my passion, my life, and my ONLY true love.

Well that was enjoyable. I've never seen quite so many W's on one page, but it's very nice, really. So, quick update: home has been good. Amazing at first, then terrible for a few days, and now it's just okay. Starting tonight/tomorrow it should be better, what with the return of my fabulolus husband and my reuinion with my Tenee and Meesh for New Year's tomorrow. Excited for the club show tomorrow night, and all that good stuff. I need a good New Year's. I have SUCH high hopes for 2007-- my odd years are always the best years ^_^

And now, I'm off to hang out with el madre and the rest of la familia. People, call me. Seriously. I never know when to call other people, I'm such an awkward insomniac and I never want to wake people up. So, call me whenever. Kthnxbai.

Current Mood: excited

05:30 am

I want you to go out and look at the sky
Take in the stars and feel their immensity.
Don’t let it intimidate you, not in the least.
They’re there to remind you how big a world
You are but a small part of. Remember that.
And when at times you start to falter,
And everything gets to be too much, just know
If the world is a puzzle, love, you are an edge piece
And the whole crazy mess is nothing without you.
So when you need to be reassured, come find me
Because we edge pieces need to stick together
So it doesn’t all fall apart.

03:18 am - flight

Current Mood: moods are for losers.

04:09 pm

Quick recap of the past week of my life:

Friday-Sunday were paper-writing, researching, locking myself in F6 with Justine and doing nothing but work. Ate too much at Olive Garden. Watched a really gay movie called "Another Gay Movie". Felt accomplished.

Monday was Dec. 11th. Enough said. Went to class, did homework, went to Boston, navigated my way around Logan Airport (which I'm proud of myself for), finally got to see Joe. Went to Billerica with his dad and dad's girlfriend. Ate Wendy's, got presents from Europe. Drove back to Rindge.

Tuesday morning was the drunkest I've ever been in my entire life. Shots of tequila with oranges. Blacked out. Got sick in my sleep and then woke up. Felt like shit all day. Didn't go to classes. When Joe and I said "drunken death"... I don't think we realized how seriously close we'd get. Terrified of hard liquor now. But whatever.

Wednesday was fun. Aced a presentation in Communications. Went around visiting people. It was pretty shitty out. That's all I can really remember.

Thursday was nice. Skipped my first class to go pick up my sister who had skipped school to see Joe. Went to my second two classes, during which I made really good friends with my college writing teacher (yet again) and wrote more on a Journalism I exam than I ever thought I knew. Then we went alcohol hunting and went to a surprise party for Kazu, a really sweet Japanese kid who just transferred here. He liked it a lot and I ended up talking to him for a really long time. And this other kid, John I think, who was a lot more interesting than I'd have given him credit for.

Today has been uneventful. Woke up, cleaned my room a little, started to do homework, went to lunch with Danielle, talked to a lot of people about a lot of things that I've been thinking about, and am now getting back to finishing my take-home final.

I wrote the chorus to the theme song of my life today. When the song's done I'll post it. I'm pleased with what I've got so far.

And um that's it. T-4 days until the rest of my life. And some major planning/scheming/decision-making.

Over and out.

Current Mood: i'm uh.. just kinda here.

04:38 pm - for joseph.

What kinda partier are you? (funny ass pics)
Sociable partier You will go to a buddies house and drink it up a little but still maintain your mature level.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

04:35 pm - in response. oh and i got ren and stimpy too. fuck that shit.

Who are you and your best friend like?
Ren & Stimpy You and your best friend are wild, crazy and whacky...and everyone loves you!
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

07:42 am - stolen from justine's deadjournal. from when she was fourteen. wow.

The Cow Theories in Politics:

Communism: If you have two cows you give both cows to the government, and then the government sells you some of the milk.

Socialism: If you have two cows, you give both cows to the government and then the government gives you some of the milk.

Facism: If you have two cows, you milk both of them and give the government half of the milk.

Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and takes them both.

New Dealism: If you have two cows, you kill one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one cow and buy a bull.

Bureacratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism: You have two girrafes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

...

Current Mood: predatory

03:20 pm - Insanity.

It still feels like I just got here, but I've been here since August. And now I'm a week away from Joe and two weeks from finals, and it might snow this week. What IS this business?! Ridiculous, that's what.

And I'm so mixed up and scattered. There's too much going on for me to be able to sort through it all. I keep fighting with people and going back and forth and feeling a billion different things in a day. And I can't focus on anything. My eyes are being weird; whenever I turn my head, it takes a few seconds for me to actually see what it is I'm looking at, kind of like a camera. Except, I'm not a camera, and that's not normal. Maybe I just need to get new glasses finally? I hope that's all it is.

And I'm in superworkmode, which is nice, except that I'm still sick (fucking fabulous) and I have a drunk to be getting on soon, so I need to recover. And I think I've decided that if I'm going to be saving up for a trip, I want to go back to New Orleans. Because I loved it there the last few days when I actually did things, and I want to hang out with Tenee more. I miss her. There are very few really real people left at this school.

Aaaand yeah that's it. The passing of time is really starting to get to me. That, and my constant lack of money. Job, please?

Current Mood: exanimate

04:41 am - This... is pretty ridiculous. And true.

07:29 am - Happy Thanksgiving!!

It's funny how different things are everytime I come home.

This time around, all I can think is how strange and wonderful it is that there are so many people I was so close to, and so many new people I've become close to lately, and how different they are since I've been changing. And how no matter what, they're all still special to me in their own ways.

Talking to Mini is always nice. I've missed my beautiful Indian princess with hair for days. And I love how no matter what, after months of not talking, it's like it was just yesterday we were wandering around Fenway and Downtown in the dead of night, talking forever about nothing and avoiding the parentals. Oh, nostalgia. The reason I can never really, truly leave Boston.

It helps that my family's being so amazingly nice lately. This is the happiest Thanksgiving we've had in a while, and it couldn't have happened at a better time. I needed this.

I think a big underlying factor in my happiness right now is that when I get back to school Sunday night, there will be a mere TWO WEEKS separating me and the love of my life. Thank God. It's hard being so good all the time, I need my partner-in-crime back!!

**I'M HOME TIL SUNDAY NIGHT. CALL TO MAKE PLANS. MY NUMBER'S LISTED ON FACEBOOK.**

Current Mood: wonderfully complacent