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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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12:50 pm - the passing of a loved pet
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My dog was hit by a car yesterday. Earlier this year I had two miscarriages and my cat died of feline leukemia. My grandmother also passed away. It is a year of loss. My faith is really being tested. I don't understand why all these losses keep occuring. I feel like my heart is being picked away, one chunk at a time. There is a big hole inside where my dog should be. He was such a good dog, my bunny cavelier. He had one ear that flopped. I remember watching him being born, and how he howled and yodeled unlike his breed. I wish I could believe in the rainbow bridge for pets. I wish I could believe that there is an afterlife and we are joined again with our loved ones, and from there we choose to reincarnate or stay in this heaven. But I don't know. I just know I want my dog back and that isn't going to happen.
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| Thursday, July 14th, 2005
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10:36 am - Sacrifices
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I have an issue when it comes to sacrificing items for ritual. I understand the need for sacrifice, but what is the difference between a sacrifice and a traditional Judio-Christian tithe? At least a tithe goes to the religious institution and is used for the good of the people within (we hope!). But to make an item and then throw it into a river or stream strikes me a wasteful. The ultimate in conspictious consumption. Here Gods, I can afford to buy you a Tiffany's bracelet and throw it in the river where it will never again be seen by man. Now give me something good for my sacrifice.
I prefer to make sacrifices that can be used by nature. When I make an offering to Brighid, I like to do it in the form of an eadible that can be consumed by wildlife. For Beltaine, I made a wonderful suet birdfeeder. For midsummer, I attempted to make a bread with nuts and fruit. It wasn't as pretty as I hoped, but it did get eaten. I know the ADF rituals call for a sacrifice of silver, usually to water. I have a pond and live near a lake. But I just can't reconcile myself to throwing stuff into them. I know it's different from polluting with trash, but I don't like the idea of 'throwing something away'. I honestly don't believe Brighid, Rosmerta, or Danu are going to fish out the silver armlet I made for them and wear them. I think these armlets will sit on the bottom of the silt and that's all. To me, that's wasteful. I'd rather give these armlets to children in the hospital in the name of the Gods and Goddess, therefore honoring them and making use of the sacrifices.
Anyone's thoughts?
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| Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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10:32 am - ALTAR
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Today, I'm reworking my altar. My husband built it for me as a Yule present. It's been unpainted, and I'm finally painting it along with some lawn furniture. It's a semicircle with a hole towards the bottom to hold an offering bowl or bowl of water with floating candles. It has half of a sun or moon carved into it. Originally he had an elaborate plan for a second tier with candles, but I nixed it because I liked the simple semicircle. I'm painting it very vibrant colors-green, red, yellow and blue. After it dries, I'll add some runes into the main semicircle of the table. If I can ever figure out how to upload pictures into LiveJournal, I'll take a picture. I'm hopelessly technically inept!
current mood:  artistic
current music: birdsongs
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| Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
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1:11 pm - my grandmother's presence
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I am not one who can meditate while sitting still. It just doesn't relax me. I need 'active' meditation. Usually while I'm gardening, I am 'in the zone.' Today, I was planting my pots of herbs and getting into my zone. My senses became heightened and I was aware of every smell, every nuance of color, every sound. It was a bit overwhelming and I was afraid it might be a precurser to a migraine. When I get migraines, I experience what is called 'synasthesia'-sight, sound, taste, touch, smell get crosswired and blend together. Sometimes this can be very spiritual, sometimes it is just a pain. But as soon as I focused on it, it went away. Darn it.
Anyway, on to my story. My favorite meditation excercise is vacumming. It is soothing and hypnotic. I commune very well with my ancestors when vacumming. Probably because most of the women in my family were known for their obsession with cleanliness. My great grandmother scrubbed her doorsteps every day until she went into the nursing home at age 94. It must be a European thing, because my great aunts on both sides of my family who live in Europe also do this. Perhaps I should take this up,too. ::LOL:: Anyway, I was vacumming last night and 'speaking' to my grandmother Leverta, who just passed over a few weeks ago. I could smell her so strongly in the room, a combination of Chantilly perfume, dusting powder and cigerettes. It's like she was sitting at the table, smoking,drinking her coffee and watching me work. Suddenly I could hear her voice in the room VERY clearly "Go check on Miranda, sugar!". Miranda is my daughter and she was suppose to be in bed asleep. She wasn't in her bed upstairs. I ran downstairs and found the front door unlocked and open. My heart was pounding. There she was in her sandbox, playing as if it weren't 11 pm at night. Needless to say, she was in BIG TROUBLE. But that's another story of my beautiful savage daughter. I finally got the little girl to go to sleep. I went back to the library where I had been vacumming. My grandmother's smell was no longer present and neither was she. I am convinced she appeared to me because something bad would have happened to 'our' daughter if I hadn't gone to check on her. Thanks, Grandma!
current mood:  contemplative
current music: complete silence...ahhh!
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| Monday, June 6th, 2005
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12:35 pm - a beginning
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I started this dedicant journal because my other live journal is more for daily chit chat and such. This will focus more on my ADF work and my quest for meaning in the universe.
I began the ADF Dedicant program back in March. I had already suffered one miscarriage back in January/February that had left me emotionally fragile. My plans for the year were this: 1. Leave my job as Director of the Center for the Performing Arts at the end of my contract in June on good terms. 2. Complete my schooling in massage therapy and begin a new career. 3. Have a second child. 3. Undertake the Dedicant's program.
Simple enough. But if you want to make the Gods laugh, tell them your future plans. Within days of joining the DP, I suffered a second miscarriage and had to have surgery. Because of the surgery and recovery time, I was forced to leave my job earlier than planned, which left my husband's careful financial planning in the wind. I also had to catch up on the intensive classwork and exams I had missed in massage classes. Three immediate family members and my cat died within a one month period. To top it all off, my second miscarriage was a molar pregnancy. My husband and I can't try to have another child for at least six months and I have to go in for weekly blood monitoring. This morning, the doctor's office called and my labwork is showing signs of sarcoma cancer, common in molar pregnancies. I will probably need another D & C. That puts the baby schedule back another six months, at the very least. I'm in my mid-thirties, so this is critical to me. I'm not getting any younger. We have a beautiful daughter, but we really wanted two children. As an only child myself, I really think siblings are important. My parents are aging and the thought of their deaths makes me sad--not just because I will miss them, but because I will not really have a connection to the rest of the family. Also, I have to deal with the estate myself and that will be a headache. Anway, back to the whole DP thing.
The dedicant's program got put on the back burner due to life, but I am still pursuing it. I am going through what is spiritually called the Long Dark Night of the Soul, thanks to St. John of the Cross. I'm questioning my beliefs, my Gods, my purpose...and if there really is any higher power in the universe or if everything is purely random. I want to believe, really, but I'm angry at the moment. Perhaps the program will restore my faith in the universe.
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