another sideways story from wayside school
crunch went this apple that sits on my desk, it does not crunch of its own accord from its temporary resting place, but the crunch is resonating in my head after each happy chewing motion, the apple having been bitten and laid down. what kind of apple is this, that i am enjoying so thoroughly? where did it come from, a local tree, in its freshness, the prime of its cycle not far behind it, couldnt have come from a great distance, and still have maintained the crisp bite that i have been delighting in.


little babies eyes, eyes, eyes...like i'm trying to find myself, in different approaches, like in some way, the magic idealic notion will become clear and shine like a beacon from the amalgamation of all confused clouds, swirling always swirling...in all the haze the unmistakeable answer is hidden in plain sight, easily decipherable...if you knew what you were looking for it would be found already...but instead you ramble on, and why not, whos going to hold that against you...they wouldn't dare, what have they accomplished that makes the world stop and melt at their behest?


know the audience, know they wont stand for this showy display of unorthodoxity, and not that you aren't grateful for the chance to be followed, but you've never been much of a leader. you try to be in the forefront in some of the more natural categories, the creatives, the originals, the quiet leaders...but always the sidestepper, always the secondary when it mattered. without useless pride, bigger than that, something about the context of self-respect but far from it, you've seen the attention getting escapades, the feverish attempt to draw them in, at any cost, so no it cant be self-respect...it cant be pride, you've covered this, its not pride, you understand more than anything, you are not better than anyone else, its a silly equality, but you try to live by it.

so what is it, respect for others? a moral stand, in some cases, but you're not overly moral in most respects, so thats not a reasonable umbrella to place over it, no that explains nothing...keep digging, theres a word, you've used it before, but now it hides from you, is it deep down, you know its not the right word, so you don't look for it? let the word come to light, so i can rip it down from the pedestal, if it is unsubstantiated...eluding me, and driving me crazy, you cant move on, until its in your grasp..a pause, collect your thoughts, its ok, it will come...when the pressure is gone...

you give in, thesaurus gives you alternates for pride...definitely not self-esteem, you sure hope arrogance is not a word others would give you, perhaps dignity...its a happy enough noun, with a good connotation, would they accuse you of snobbishness? i would doubt it...so then its more of a revered word when the possible stuck-up connotation is thrown out, you don't think you are better than anyone, you might have this one small area more wrapped in swaddling clothes than another, but you can't do half of what you try as well as most others.

enough of this zoned out third person-esque, tense-shifting self-pondering...leaving with the thoughts of Allain de Botton:

"In conversations, my priority was to be liked, rather than to speak the truth. A desire to please led me to laugh at modest jokes like a parent on the opening night of a school play. With strangers, I adopted the servile manner of a concierge greeting wealthy clients in a hotel - salival enthusiasm born of a morbid, indiscriminate desire for affection. I did not publicly doubt ideas to which the majority was committed. I sought the approval of figures of authority and after encounters with them, worried at length whether they had thought me acceptable. When passing through customs or driving alongside police cars, I harboured a confused wish for the uniformed officials to think well of me."