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I am in study hall, and I have nothing to do. Hmm. I talked to Emily today, and I tried to vent to her on how I feel about everything, and I don't think she understands. Actually, I think she could understand but one of two things is happening. Either I am afraid to tell her the truth about everything, in fear of what she'll think of me after I tell her, or she refuses to fully understand, knowing that she can, she just doesn't really want to.. idk.. deal with it? That makes her sound like a bitch, but she's not. Something is wrong with me. Courtney knows there is, and I would tell her, I really would. But honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean.... starting yesterday, I just got uberly depressed. Like.. hmm. I don't know. People are probably saying that I am doing this because... I want to? I don't know.. but I'm not. I'm just.. saying it, because I don't know who to talk to, what to say, or why the hell I'm not happy. Idk.. maybe I will try and write more later. But I will probably forget. I think next period, I'm going to do what Nikki told me to. Just put a pen in my hand, and get paper, and just write.. whatever I feel... just... let my hand write. She said she did that and got some weird things. Yeah, I'll do that.. because I know I won't pay attention in Bio. I shall take a pic or write to you guys what I say when I get home. Yeah...
Yesterday, I was online at like ten, and I was playing Literati on Yahoo.com with Courtney, and last time I did that it was a school night, and my mom let me stay up and do it. Then my dad decided to flip a shit on me and be an asshole, so I randomly signed off. Then, Turtle called me. It made me happy, because I felt like I was bothering her, but I wasn't, she actually wanted to talk to me. It was quiet fun. Well.. Alicia called.. we talked, then Turtle called, then Laura called, then I called Courtney, then I tried calling Laura back, but yeah..... she didn't answer. And before that all, my dad took the phone, and I got it back.. then all that went down. Yeah... that was confusing, because I lost myself. I am really bored.
I feel like one of those kids who is in high school, and loud when they are around their friends sometimes, but you never know who their freinds are. Like.. you see them talking to people in school, but you never see him/her with their friends outside of school.. and he/she always doodles, and writes, and isn't that popular. Like.. people know who he/she is, but they don't say "hi" or "wanna hang out after school" or invite them to do anything... they just.. are there. Then.. like.. you hear about them dying or moving and no one really cares. They ask "who's that?" or "is that the person that....." and stuff like that. It's kind of sad, actually. I mean, I feel like I have no friends, at all. I know I do, but they never call, they don't invite me to do anything, and I mean, I'm the youngest one out of them, so I'm not going to prom, but... they are bringing Wayne... I mean... why can't I go. Wayne is in my grade, and he's going as a friend. Am I not good enough. Then they are having a party. Steph told me.. did she say "Wanna come?" no... she didn't. It is actually quite sad. I hear about all of you talking about a good time you had and all this shit, and what do i say "oh.. i.. uh.. stayed home" that's it. That's all I do. That's all I ever do. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to go to this school. I don't want to be who I am. I don't want any of it. I don't want it! But I shouldn't complain. I mean... compared to some people in the world, their lives suck. They don't have a home, they have nothing. But yeah, I hate my life.
Wow, I feel so..... unnoticed. In the library there is a table.. with four computers on each side.. and to the left there is this kid Tom Manglaveti, and across from me there is a kid Peter Neci. Tom sneezed, and me being polite, I said "Bless you" he said "thanks" and looked at me, then back at his computer. Then Peter, thinking I am def, whispered "Who is that?" and Tom laughed and looks at me then back at him, shrugs and goes "I have no clue" then Peter looks at me, trying to figure out who I am, and he laughs because he has no clue. Want to know the sad thing? I had english last year with Peter. When we were younger, he would go over Caroline's house, who at the time lived across the street, and we'd hang out. I've known him since I was younger... kindergarten ish. I mean.. I understand if Tom has no clue who I am. Because I've never had a class with him, and I don't know. It just makes me feel like shit. I mean.. people know who I am if they saw me... probably not. People in my classes.. they know my face. But do they know what my name is. No... they don't. I wonder what would happen if I stopped coming to school. I wonder what would happen if I died. Almost the whole school came to Nick's funeral last year. Would anyone even notice that I died? Would anyone from school come to my funeral. ::sigh:: I hate being depressed... I suck.. I'm sorry. I will stop being a depressed fucker who has no friends, and complains a lot. I'll pretend now.. or.. I'll go...bye..
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