I read some of my back entries and I am finally noticing that this whole journal has mostly been about the same guy...that I started writing here more because I was writing about him and how I love him and how he can't love me back...

I find this strange because he has just left me again and I was drawn here and I have read the history of us and it just keeps repeating, repeating, and repeating...

For 5 years I have been swooning over him, crying over him, waiting for him...and he hasn't changed one bit in all that time.

And in all that time I still don't have the strength to just say fuck you and move on.

All this time and I still love him like crazy.

I am such a fucking loser.

The thing is, I am sad all of the time. I sleep most of the day, and when I'm not sleeping, I'm only sleepwalking through life, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere or talk to anyone. My only lifeline to the world is Adam, and I am resenting him something awful these days because he is greatly entanlged in my sadness. We laugh, we joke, we lay around...but in the end I feel like he doesn't want me anymore...that we have slid into this passionless friendship zone that only I seem to notice. I want to make out. I want to have sex. I want that tingly feeling I used to get when I would go see him to come back. I want the illusion back that I am the only one. But I'm not. There's others that I at least he knows he talks to, but when I ask how far he says they're only friends. And I watch him lie to my face and nod and drop the subject, only to bring it up the next day and ask him if we should just be friends, to which he always says no...we're great the way we are...and I...not wanting to lose what we do have, nod and drop the subject, only to cry myself to sleep before he comes home at night. We sleep together on opposite ends of the universe, and it is so lonely for me...so sad for us, that most days when I sit looking into his face and laughing at his stupid antics, I connvince myself that everything is ok...everything is perfect...he wouldn't be here if he didn't really want to be or love me. And breifly...I actually believe it.

But that's not it. That's just us. That's how we have always been. He's always had other girls and I've always been insecure and doubtful and we've always had this crippling uplifting kind of love. Even when we leave each other it binds us together, always reminding us that something crucial is missing even as we sigh with relief that it's gone. Our problem is that he's young, and he has a lot of catching up to do on life as most of it has been behind bars. I can't knock him for that or try to rush him into something he readily admits he's not ready for, though he wants it badly. I wouldn't respect him if he did, and he would resent me if I did, so here we are, muddling our way through...and at the end of the day we wrap around each other whipsering I love you, each hoping that it is still true for the other. And so we stay. As long as we say I love you and mean it, I will keep him here, even if it sometimes makes me miserable...because the love we share is the only thing i've ever had in my life that was real. Warped, but real...and maybe one day we'll be able to pull it together before life takes it chance to rip us apart.

Then there's being unemployed and my brother barely being here anymore. Every day I am afraid he will come to me to tell me he's leaving, and I will be here penniless and alone...a failure. I know I can always go home, but I don't want to go home. I have talked to Adam about being just roomates, and he thought about it for a minute...bringing up the subject of other people. I told him by then, if we're not together, we're not meant to be, and we'll just be friends and live as that. He agreed. So I guess in a way we've given ourselves a deadline. So I worry. I am uneasy with being jobless. I can't stand sitting home doing nothing all day. I am thinking about going to school, since the state will pay for it, and maybe finding a little side job to make ends meet. I feel so shiftlesss and useless...so invisible. I get up and go to these fucking doctors that can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me, and that only makes me feel lower, because I don't want to go looking for a job while I can barely breathe or stay awake all day. So I'm stuck. Waiting everyday for the bottom to fall out, while hoping something inside will change...that will cause everything else to change...and I can finally move in a positive direction. I am trying my hardest to be strong, to look at the good side, but I feel myself slipping into this lethargic darkness and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just want someone to hold me, tell me they love me, and let me cry until I can't cry anymore while they tell me that everything will be alright.

With all my heart, I need to believe that everything will be alight.

i have not much been in the mood for writing...for thinking...for living actually.

i have been sick since the end of december. yes...i am still sick.

my birthday was truly a day i could have lived without. i got no gifts. isn't that precious? i turned 30 man, and friends that should have called at least, merely texted me, and ones that usually text me, forgot me all together. i kept thinking it was all a set up...that there was a party waiting for me somewhere with all my friends...but no. no one came to visit me. no extra special anything. mandy made me some rocking brownies and her and lola took me to applebee's for dinner. i...didn't even get a cake. and...it has really changed the way i feel about a lot of people and things. and sadly, no, it's not for the better.



on 3-3-06 i was called into work for a meeting on my day off and told that i was fired. 5 years. fired. no warning. just like that.



5 years.



now i am sitting here terrified of how to make the ends meet, and my mom is using this as an opportunity into scaring me back home. and it's like wow...i have had the most horrible month. i am still sick, now running from doc to doc like a mad woman before the end of the month and my benefits run out. it would help if i had some money to pay for these visits or whatnot...i am greatly tempted to turn to a life of crime. just until i can get on my feet and find another job...which will have to wait for me to get over this sickness and get some new work clothes. i have never...ever...felt so afraid, lost, or heartbroken.



speaking of hearts, adam basically lives here. comes home to me every night. i know eventually i will have to bring up the words...rent money. things have been strange between us...at least to me. he likes how we are. the old couple...no drama, no intrigue...no passion. he comes home and crawls over me and lies as far away as possible. it's like i sleep alone. we sit and we joke and chat during the day and we have fun....we do. i like being around him. i love him. but we hadn't had relations in a month. he doesn't even try to do anything. but to him, that's nothing. to me, it means something is wrong. but then, i think on it, and maybe it's just the guys that i'm used to. they cheated, and then they stopped being with me. i'm used to being pawed and manhandled, and i admit, it really upsets me when that doesn't happen. so i tried to chill about the sex thing. i kept asking him if he just wants us to be friends...he could still stay, still sleep in the bed, still everything...but we only take the friends and lose the with perks part. he adamantly says no, he's happy the way we are, the sex will get back on track once he slows down...yadda yadda yadda. and i, being the dumbass i am, seriously believe it is because he runs the street so much. he doesn't come home til like 5 most nights. and he sleeps hard the time during the day in which he's here. i know he talks to other girls...but i still don't see him sleeping with them. so i don't know. we're just a big ole ball of confusion. but at least he comforts me, or at least tries to when i get all upset about the sickness or the job thing.



it's nice having someone around that cares.

Actually, no...I am not dead.

And unlike most times I come back, my life is NOT total shit right now. Yes...my job is severely unstable and I am worried about money, but I'm not stressing either. It will come when it comes.

Ah...you think this laid back approach is because my love life is great, do you not? Well you are wrong. Love life is alright. I am still hanging in there with Adam, though much has happened and I have been downgraded from being his girl to his bitch, but still toting the title of the love of his life, at least. It took me a long time, but I am accepting us and I am actually quite happy with where we are. We see each other, we don't...sometimes we call...sometimes we go a week without one...he talks to other girls...I have the option of talking to other guys. And it's all fine. The pressure to make us something we might not be ready for is off, and that's a very good thing. I always make the mistake of all or nothing when it comes to us. This time, I've eased off, and it seems...slowly, slowly...that what I want is coming around to me anyway. So in the end, there aren't really any compromises being made, just damage being undone and us making our way through it all...either to each other or away from each other. It doesn't matter. I wouldn't trade this love I feel for this boy for all the tea in China.

And Swiz...well...he's still drifting around...he'll always be drifting around. Always so close and out of my reach.

And the rest...well....everything seems to be falling together as it's falling apart. Deconstructive contructionism at it's best. Next month brings thirty, ya'll. Holla at me after the 18th to see if I'm still so zen.

And to those that dropped me notes and emails, I am so sorry I couldn't respond, but my work computer still blocks lj and my home one was possesed so I couldn't get on. I am now writing you from my brand new computer that is yet another bill for me to pay off...but by gosh...it's worth it!

So no...I'm not dead. And hopefully, some still remember me. I will be making rounds as I can. I'm sick right now, and we're mad understaffed at work so I do alot of work from home, but I will try to keep in touch with the ones I love the most here. You know who you are.

At least...I hope you still do.

Ciao babies.

As this year comes closer to closing at a frighteningly fast rate, I am forced to ruminate over the swift advance of...

THIRTY.

I am not really sure why this number scares the shit out of me the way it does, but it does. Fucking thirty. It’s like a foul word on the tongue, you know? I don’t really think it’s the age. I mean, so what, really. A year older. I don’t feel old…surely don’t act old (well…I’m still childish…I think I’ve been acting old since I hit 13)…so why does that number bug me so much? I’ll tell you why...


I have nothing to show for it.

Like dig it, no college degree, no house, fucked credit, no real relationship, no prospect of motherhood…nothing. Nothing. Thirty was supposed to have the kid, degree, and at least a townhouse tucked under its belt. Not nothing!! Not a bunch of false starts and broken promises and shattered dreams! I mean, the past few nights, I have been sitting up and staring at the walls, thinking about all the things I want to do. I keep trying to plan my future, but with my current relationship as precarious as it is, I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know if I should include him or not, and even though that might seem like a small thing, it’s not. I mean, kids…house…classes…financial stability…I can’t come up with a plan of attack that both includes and excludes him. Can’t do a plan A and plan B kind of thing. It’s like all or nothing, and I hate that.

But I can’t blame my stagnate state on my sometimes baby…it’s me too…my fears, my disappointments…my shortcomings. There are things that I know I need to do, but the moves to do them scare me so fucking much that I can’t find a way to take action. Job stability is a big one. Am I better than this job…hell yes. Should I leave…damn right. Chances of landing a good job…grim. Grim as far as keeping it. As many companies are downsizing and merging and cutting back on staff…I am so afraid to leave this shitty job for a better one, only to be fired from the new one and then have to settle for a job shittier than this one!! Or worse…not getting hired anywhere at all. Then what…no job, no unemployment…rent, utilities and a fat car payment…what comes next? Living on the street? If I was in a good relationship, a steady relationship, I don’t think I would really worry THAT much about it…because if I stumble, they can catch me and vice versa…you know? But I worry, I do, about ending up assed out, probably more so than others because that thought seriously does cripple me and keeps me from making the bold moves I need to make to get to where I want to be.

I am so fucking sick of being afraid of the future.

I tired of being afraid…period.

Just when despair settles in and I am ready to leap,
he always finds a way to come
and save me...
to save us.

I don't ever want him out of my life. I don't want to ever know what it is like to exist without him with me again. I don't ever want to forget this love that lives inside of me that can only be touched by him.

I don't ever....I don't ever...I don't ever...

Promise me you'll always remind me...please...
promise me you'll never watch me just let him go...

because I've never been strong enough to hold onto what really matters to me. I always slip into this noided funk and purposely do things to fuck shit up so that I'm not waiting for things to fall apart and hurt me even more.

If anyone is still here with me...promise, promise, promise...
I've never needed you guys more.

If I could have one wish come true,
I would wish that love wouldn't be so complicated to give, comprehend, and accept.

Because then maybe....we would all understand each other and wouldn't feel the need to go to such idiotic and violent extremes just to get our point across.

We would all just know, understand, accept, and forgive...and we could all start over again with the revolution of love instead of this evolution of hate, and our children would never know what fear and stereotypes and war is, except for vague and unimaginable blurbs in history books that talk about guns that no longer exist that were used to fight over things like land and race and religion which are differences that seem improbable due to everyone embracing one another instead of cringing and screaming and pushing away.

And days like this would never...could never...happen.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Oh how I grieve for the fate of us all.

Funny thing is...I've run out of things to say.

My life is spiraling out of control and I seriously don't know how to stop it.

My relationship, my love, is on the skids. We have been having troubles lately...fighting mainly, but he will not let me go. I have proof pretty much, that he has been talking to other women, but until I have hardcore evidence, I have nothing but accusations that get rebuffed...and he will not let me go. I have tried several times to break it off, but he comes up with a legitamate argument to the contrary and begs me to stay but when I go to leave, he will not let me go.

Yesterday, we were finally together for a few moments. I saw him, and he lloked so different...but I still saw the mischevious boy I knew in him, and it was like no time had passed. I was jittery and nervous, but we fell into conversation easily, and before we could begin, it was over. They took him away from me but allowed him to call me. I was thinking the whole time, now it wiil be done...now he won't want me...but when he called he made sure to make something clear. "I love you, Thea. I just love you, ok?" he said, his voice miserable and broken, but he made sure to emphasize that...and say my name with authority, like he anted to get his point across...that he loves me...and he knows he loves me...and wants me to know it. I took his declaration gracefully, and admittedly, it touched my heart deeply before breaking it, because then my mind kept screaming, "Then why do you hurt me so?". And then it all came to me in waves, bits of information from his friend basically confirming what I have been thinking, but still my heart cries that it isn't true. And then I decide to cheat on him with Swiz, and every obstacle imaginable stopped me, and before I fell asleep last night, everything inside of me knew, it was for a reason. I am wrong about something with Adam...maybe the girls are just friends or the calls weren't made by him or maybe I just need to know for sure before doing something stupid, I don't know. I just know someone somewhere stopped me last night, and I'd be a fool not to heed that. And so, I am giving it one more chance...the chance he begged me for a week ago, and if I find out all is what it is, then we will just be friends, and maybe try to pick things up when he gets home. I just keep thinking, why would he lie? Why wouldn't he just take the out and be friends for now so he can talk to women freely? Why does the title mean so much to him? Why does he do things to piss me off, but then fight so hard to keep me?

And Swiz, yes, has resurfaced. We talked a few times, but then he was calling me in the middle of the night a couple of times, and each time I would just look at the phone and then turn over and go to sleep. So I know where his mind is. He wants to start up again. I would lie if I said I didn't feel good when he said he missed me and had lost my number when his phone broke and was hoping I'd call again. He promised to stay in touch this time. And now I am dreaming of him every night.

Let's add one more log to the fire shall we?

Nikki Giovanni has seen some of my poems and told my mom to get me to gather enough together to bring to her and she will help me get copyrighted and published. MY OWN BOOK. BUT I AM DRY AS AN OLD WELL. I have been trying to get some together, and I came up with a theme. Now I have to proofread and edit them before our next meeting, but I can't seem to find the time. I don't want to blow this chance, but I feel myself blowing it, and I am so angry at myself that I can't stand it...and I'm angry at my mom for pushing this now when I am going through so much with the repercussions from the accident and Adam and work and I am just going in too many directions to focus on one thing for long.

So my love is failing me, my lust is fueling me, and my dream is fading before my eyes.

What else is new?

i hate it when i can't express myself

right now i am feeling so many things that i never really know what im feeling

*sigh*