| Is this depression?- This feeling of lost self. |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|05:45 am] |
The feeling of a machine whose wire are all tangled up and yanked around and criscrossing and then connected to the wrong circuits. You know? That feeling of confused coordination when you press the backspace button in google search and it takes you to your most recently visited web page.
I've felt that feeling coupled with anxiety for at least the past four years of my life. For me it manifests as emotions conflicting with urges, as choices conflicting with responsibilities, as lonliness conflicting with a need for privacy.
I don't know if you can relate to this at all. If you feel that same anxiety I am struggling to articulate because, trust me, it is strong and it is real. It eats me up inside and leaves me burdened with a sense that I have no power to stop the momentum of where I am going; rolling down a path that I was never able to anticipate because I was never cautioned to stay away from it.
Look: I am twenty-two years old, in good health with a career ( and I do make more money than I ever have in my life ). On top of that I help my mother support herself and I have genuine good intentions towards people.
Problem: I fail here, I fail there; I mess up here, I mess up there; I piss a boss off here, I piss a boss off there. My struggle is that I regret so many things I didn't do when I was younger ( or that I missed out on ) and want so many things in the right now that lose focus on what I should be doing. I do what I should be doing but with little to know attention to what I am doing. Lost? Perhaps now you understand how I feel.
You can tell me that I should know better than to think this way and get beside myself. Of course I'm on "the right track" in my life and not screwing up as much as I make it sound. The truth is YOU DON'T KNOW. And I don't want petty advice that I can go to Ask Jeeves for. I don't want someone to reply and compliment me or try to inspire me. I want these problems gone. This anxiety- this fucking anxiety that from one moment to the next I am lost in thought, lost in confusion, in not knowing from left to right what I want to do, what I need to do, why I'm here and why I feel this frustration.
I am driven to alcohalism and nicotine to soothe my nerves. I know no other medicine.
My final words to you: Is this depression? Is this anxiety? Is this curable? I am lost. We both know that. The right words can be said to hide it. I don't know them. This may be an immature wish to fathom but I want it. I want the remedy to solve the problem that is David. |
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| Oct 6th, 2007 |
[Oct. 6th, 2007|11:28 pm] |
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Right now there are eight songs that I really love. I know they are an eclectic combination and I don't care. I would like to have a list of them in history somewhere so that one day when I forget all of everything that happened in the year of 2007 in David's life there will be some momento to remind me. I really don't think I should ever forget the events of this year. Of feeling like the power of the destruction of my soul was embodied in just a few things that were able to creep into every single crevice of my life so that at least one of these things was constantly active in my day to day and continued to plague me, never-ending: my job, a girl, a friend, my brother. My List: Who Knew- Pink 1973- James Blunt Nothing Left to Lose- Mat Kearney Hey There Delilah- Plain White Tees Put Your Records On- Corinne Bailey Rae What Hurts The Most- Rascal Flatts Breathe ( 2 am )- Anna Nalick The Sweet Escape- Gwen Stafani
All in all I feel that I am doing well. Things are going better. I am making new choices. Good choices. Not happy. Closer. |
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| Another Year in the Trenches |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|09:07 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Matt Kearney- Nothing Left to Lose | ] |
Little post update.I have not made the choices right for myself. Not by a long shot. Shit. Not by yards. Eh. I'm drinking myself to death. I am as depressed and lost as ever. Just maybe not so pretentious when blogging anymore. Personal troubles up the ass. I know I can sustain as long as I don't let them interfere with my work. But lets see. As for those troubles, a brief recap: 1. None of my friends care to contact me or actually do things with me ( unless, of course I go to their house and bang on their door till someone wakes up and then we can hang out and do nothing important or fun at all for hours ).
2. My brother being one of those friends. But he wants to hang out as long as I'm bringing the beer.
3. This girl from work who I liked a lot became interested in me and led me on for a while then one day stopped liking me. Now my presence either pisses her off or humors her every day.
4. Mom wants to kick me out again. She will change her mind and persist that I stay later though ( probably because i pay all the bills and half the rent for her ). The only thing worth it right now is job. Everything else failing. Depression worse than ever. I think I hate life. I know I hate myself. Want release. ps- on the upside I really like this new singer Matt Kearney. good stuff. |
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| These days |
[Oct. 2nd, 2007|07:43 am] |
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I want to find happiness. So far its been pretty pretty fucking hard.
I feel like I'm drinking myself to death. Every night. I have had bad run ins with coworkers. I can't get over this one girl who I like and made my life a living hell at Panda. My boss fucks with me every day and then I have to worry about business. Besides all of this I have lost all my friends, either through fights and complicated shit or just through the fact that they don't care enough to keep in touch.
If I don't have a friend or someone to go to I feel like shit. My mom wants to rant and rant about her conspiracy theories. My brother wants to be my best friend forever and commited so long as I bring him the beer. I know- I KNOW I only have one real friend. She is real complicated. But she gives me the strength to get through this shit.
I don't know. I am just tired- TIRED of this shit. I know I haven't blogged in a while so this does kind of feel awkward. Anyways. So much for that. I'll fix my life up. In time. |
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| Heaven on earth. |
[Jun. 29th, 2007|01:08 am] |
I just love people. I am in such harmony with human beings right now that I feel I should make a brand new journal entry about it. I love coexisting with human beings.
Everyone is very shallow and very insecure. Every single overweight person is "losing weight". Everyone that is a failure is "doing good" or "improving". Every person is great.. just in their own way.
Every person wants to cause trouble with me at bars, wants to cause trouble with me at work, wants to bother or annoy me in their own eay.
Every girl is a gossip, drunk, or loser. Every girl... every human being does not want to talk about anything interesting, partake in anything different ( unless it has to do with this person humiliating themselves, either by becoming high or drunk ), or be of any worth to the world whatsoever and yet complain endlessly about the problems of the world.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I don't belong here. I hate it.
I'd be glad if I were dead.
Thank you, Journal. I could never tell anyone else this. |
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| ahhhh well |
[Apr. 10th, 2007|12:27 am] |
Sick of work.
I feel angry and depressed. Or just frustrated and depressed. I don't even stick to my live journal thing well. Nothing I do in life I enjoy.
I enjoy nothing.
Fuck it. Its not even worth posting about. |
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| The ending |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|11:56 pm] |
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So here I am posting a journal after years of using this web site. The friend who got me hooked on Live Journal is no longer my friend for the time being. I kissed his girlfriend two and a half weeks ago, among other things, and no one knew. I didn't expect anyone to ever find out.
One day, probably three days ago, he has a blow out fight with her. He finds out. I'm nowhere near where he lives at this point and I'm working. He calls me and threatens me, yells at me, lectures me, and vents. He wants to kill me for a while. Later in the night he cools down and lets me know that the friendship is over.
The worst thing is that I know of this and I don't care. I wanted to mess around with her, I got it, and now I'm paying the price. I don't think I like her very much now but then again I don't get angry over superficial things like this easy. She did tell him. That's why I could be angry at her.
I was able to be honest with him and I apologized. I don't really feel like I apologized to him but to myself for screwing with people. For being that kind of person. The person who screws with people and relationships.
I don't know what I feel. If this is supposed to be depression then I like it. I don't think it is.
I can't describe.
Richard and I. No longer. Friends. |
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| The end may be in sight |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|11:42 pm] |
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle
I am finally done with I want tos and I should bes and all that bull shit. I believe that is a wrong way to look at yourself and your life. I gotta work out more, I want to eat less, I need to work harder, etc, etc. I won't progress from random good acts for myself. Forming healthy habits will lead to a healthy life.
It is simple. I am this. I want to be that. I know how to become that ( Most people already know that answer ). To me this all boils down to the strength of your desire link to your action link. Of course you have to act on things you want. But with increasing desire and action comes increasing progress.
I don't want to have the husky/ muscular body tone that I desire. I see myself in that manner and I increasingly adjust my lifestyle to it.
The beginning stages of this journal record a lot of confused psychological activity pertaining to unanswered questions within myself. Am I actually answering them now? |
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| 02/27/2007 |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|12:14 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Elton John | ] |
This journal will be worth keeping. I don't know who reads it or who was disappointed every time I stopped posting for a long period of time.
Its a worthwhile log of an immature mind in the early stages of development. I believe I have reached maturity now.
I will have reached my life goals soon. I have learned to walk the long road of life dedicated to nothing but my values. I don't allow myself to complicate things anymore. I don't allow myself to engage in activities senseless to myself anymore. I don't believe in fitting in or complaining about not being able to.
Its a long ways ahead. There's work to be done. In the end I just need to know that I made the choices right for myself.
That is what I deserve. I will earn that. |
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| We must strive |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|12:41 am] |
Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose but no power to escape the necessity of choice.
Life fuel.
Apply the proper choices to each and every dillema, large and small, that you face. You will reap benefits. Take my word. |
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| Back again |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|11:41 pm] |
The importance of life is to do what you want to do. The responsibilities of this task reach far beyond skipping work for a day or hanging out with friends and getting drunk/ high. The man who can stand up, who can say (and mean it)- "And no one stood in my way.", he will be my friend.
Cranking up the ole' journal again. I feel so fascinated in learning after months of dumb monkey work and intellectual deprevation. Been overthinking a lot of things lately and realizing that just that fact (of overthinking things) is a symptom of not progressing at anything but work for a long time. I seriously need to kick shit in gear.
In a year or two the things that are so complicated to me now won't be so. I have to realize that philosophy and life go on even when you stop talking to the people that care about analyzing it.
I wonder if any old friends will be reading this thing. |
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| Mindfulness |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|09:34 pm] |
I'm thinking about the kinds of people that really interest me in life. Its hard to just hit the subject on the head, expecting to get answers by directly looking at the previous people who've interested me. Maybe I can draw conclusions by thinking about the people (the ones who interest me) and my attachment to them, and why I'm attached to what part of them.
I work tomorrow from 11 to 4 with a good worker named Nick. He's smart and I like associating with him. All my efforts at work so far have Assistant Manager title in mind and I'll be damned if I miss this opportunity.
Better start studying that servsafe book. |
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| Aspirations of a soon to be Panda Manager |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|11:43 pm] |
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The first pebble has struck the pond. The assistant manager running my store at Panda Express has just been promoted to General Manager today. If I play my cards right, I will be the one to replace him as assistant. My white shirt is on the horizon. On the horizon... |
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| Today, tomorrow, and forever |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|01:44 am] |
I want to find myself busy these days. I'm so lonely right now that I think I'd rather engross myself in my work then spend sleepless nights by myself. My number one goal at Panda Express right now is to learn how to cook. After that I'll aim to be able to fulfill the capacity of a full time cook (i.e- covering a lunch break, a shift, or even working as a cook for a day or two a week).
Its something to conquer. From where I'm from white people cannot handle the job of cook. Its always migrant workers in need of money and with two jobs who take on the task. I seek to challenge myself.
I have no time for the quarrels of coworkers who do not want me to be their boss. I have so much more to do with my time at Panda, and so much to learn. Might as well start from the bottom up.
Chow mein munchers, prepare your eating utensils. I'm going in! |
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| Something to chew on |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|08:53 pm] |
Not feeling so bad now, since the car accident and all. Work was stressful only because it was busy as hell and this new guy goes and decides to quit on us at the worst time. Anyway, it looks like we'll be able to get the car fixed in no time.
Just got paid today. After bills and everything else I had to buy I have ten dollars to my name. Oh well, I can do without money, as long as I have my internet and my phone. Although I do feel bad lately about neglecting LJ friends. I've just been in no mood at all to read anything longer than a sentence in the last few weeks.
Gotta keep on hitting my push ups. Consistency is the key. As in work also. Anyways, nothing glorious or philosophical to come up with at the moment. However, I should challenge myself to be more inclined. Been having a lot of conversations on the subject of love with friends lately. Here's my favorite version of the topic:
Love is an expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character and person, the empotional price paid by one man for the joy he receives from the virtues of another.
By my favorite
Ayn Rand |
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| Vodka and then... |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|09:11 am] |
Without my car work is a little more of a challenge now. At least in the manner of waking up earlier for the bus or catching rides home at night. Besides that, it hasn't affected my life much at all. Hopefully my mom will help me pay for the damages and repair.
Hand washing clothes, pinching pennies, sleeping more... jeez, I never felt so alive in my life. |
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| Am I a monster, or healed? |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|08:41 pm] |
Sometimes I just want to feel bad for myself. But I don't think that ever registers. I am pretty sure that I just leap levels from contentment with life to hating myself.
I feel like I am at a record low right now. So low that work is easy, speaking to people is easy, dealing with stress is easier, only because I don't care enough about my life to be anxious or frustrated at this point. I feel very tired. Like of all things that had to happen I had to get into a car accident- a minor one, but major enough to screw up my alignment and keep me from driving till it is fixed.
I guess this is that irrational feeling that a lot of people define in a statement: "Things just can't get any worse." Its a desperate feeling but also a relief. Like I have nothing to worry about anymore and maybe it'll be easier to pick up the pieces with that attitude.
But really I just hate myself and don't care an inch for my life. |
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| Dating banner |
[Sep. 22nd, 2006|10:52 pm] |
IF YOU LIKE Elton John and vodka- IF YOU have a taste for the unconventional and an appetite for Freedom
then you and I, we'll go far, baby. |
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| The David Curve |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|10:06 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | The Eagles- New Kid in Town | ] |
I have once again created for myself a new hair style. It is called the David Curve. Not to be confused with the largely known (and quite popular) David CURVES.
If I haven't updated lately it is due to my recent plague of apathy. I am bored, depressed maybe?, not sure, lonely, and frustrated most of the time. Such feelings don't become me, I guess. But then again, what does?
I guess sex. Sex probably becomes me. I'll have to check that out first though. I'll get back to you on that one. |
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| To Shirley |
[Sep. 9th, 2006|10:10 pm] |
Shirley, you were a good LJ friend. Although I am sure our friendship is continuing and progressing beyond the internet lines it saddens me to not see you on my friends' page anymore.
No one will understand me as you did. Or enjoy my company like you. It was good being acquanted with your late LJ personality. Call me tomorrow. And, oh, if you decide to get LJ back, don't forget to add me again! |
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