cydniey's thoughts

it's a bright shiny day out. just looking at the Big Dirt Hill, you can feel the heat coming off of it.

M left his Family Guy DVDs out, i think i'll watch those today.

Doc has a friend at work who picks him up before the shift and drops him off here after work. she, like me, is a Slurpee-holic. and she has been helping support my habit. on the way here, she stops and gets herself a slurpee and one for me. she is the sweetest thing in the world. her ring tone is Sweet Home Alabama and she's got the sweetest southern accent. i just adore her. i love it when she comes over. there is always much laughter.

there is one cat out of hiding, and that's my leeloo dallas, she's laying on the couch next to me. she started out trying to get up on my lap, but the laptop was in the way and she's not a lap cat. she tries it every so often, but it just isn't for her. at least, not on my lap. i constantly move and fidget. it bugs her fur off.

the swelling in my ankle has finally gone down. if i wasn't wearing the brace, i would have twisted it many times in the past few days. like getting out of bed today (which requires climbing over doc's legs) and landing on my bad foot. if i hadn't had the brace on, i would have been frelled. it still hurts, but not enough for me to take pain relievers. i had lortab through the worst of it. now it's been three weeks. it should be healed soon. it should have been healed by now, but i kept not wearing the brace and frelling it up early on. i don't learn until it hurts.

here's my fear: when i was a freshman in highschool, i twisted my left ankle on one of those mini trampoline things, you know the kind that fits in the living room and is just big enough to jog in place on . . . so i twisted my ankle. and my parents ignored it, i got what i deserved, blah blah blah. then in gym class i twisted it again, and again my parents ignored it. days later my ankle was three times its normal size and black and blue and my gym coach got a look at it and pulled me out of gym and called my parents, yelling at them that it was perfectly obvious that i needed medical attention. i was in the hospital by the weekend for surgery on my ankle. apparently i am missing some tendons or some such in my ankles, making them weak. they fixed my left one and i call it my bionic ankle. my worry is that i will keep hurting the right one just a little each time until i end up having to have it fixed. so the brace stays on. and now i am surrounded by people who care about me and will get me medical attention if i need it, but still i worry that these little twists and jars will make it into the mess the left one was.

i'm not aging well in certain ways. my body is weak. i am uncoordinated. add age to a sedentary lifestyle and i'm a mess waiting to happen. if it weren't for doc constantly looking out for me, i don't know where i'd be.

the sun is still on the porch, it must be before ten. yep, 9:30. i've already made coffee and responded to most comments on my journal. and i've spent a good deal of time just sitting here listening to my mp3 player and watching the cats. jack and tech got into a one round, 5 second fight. leeloo is sitting on a neutral chair whapping the head of any cat that gets near her. sometimes she's in a bad mood when i get up early. moody kitty.

i watched some fighting show last night with M, the UFC, i think. very homoerotic. most bouts came down to them holding, nay, clutching each other on the floor, hitting each other with their elbows. there is a point when you're not fighting anymore and someone owes someone else dinner. it was very entertaining. i even called the feature bout. i didn't call how short it would be, just minutes, but i called the winner before the fight.

the weather people keep putting off the rain. now, instead of today and tomorrow, it's sunday or monday. Stop Teasing Me, Weather People!! the sky couldn't be bluer and already it's getting hot. as witnessed by our a/c going on rather frequently. and that's with the thermostat set at 80 degrees.

i've come to realize that the strip looks almost nothing like i remember it. i can't wait to get down there. maybe in the fall. i don't like going from 103 degrees to 68 degrees over and over again, they supercool the casinos. how anyone can do that is beyond me, i suspect a lot of people leave here with colds from doing that. unless they spend their whole trip in the casino and hotel they are staying at. and a lot of people do that.

we heard on the news that the transit authority is changing their fares. an all day pass right now costs $2.50 out here, $5 on the strip bus. now they want to change the suburban all day passes to $4, almost doubling the fare. and the $30 monthly pass will be $50. so if you think you were getting off cheap by taking public transit here, prepare to be punished. i can understand it, with the fuel costs and what not, but i don't have to be happy joy fun about it. i wonder when this change will happen. i'm bummed about it. it's much easier to scrape together $2.50 in change, not so easy to scrape together $4. but we have an awesome bus system. well, it's okay. it gets me where i need to be. though it takes doc an hour and a half to get home by bus or to work. he takes four busses. and his work is not all that far away. 20 minute drive in traffic, faster when he comes home. so he tries to find rides and pays them well for their gas. by this time next year, we should have a car. maybe earlier.

this is starting to bore even me. have a great day!

huzzah! i just placed the order for my new trackball and keyboard. this is significant because it marks the end of our bad finances for a while. all of it is private and i would get my head shaved if i talked about it, but this one small order just symbolizes the end of a very hard time. we don't have money to waste, and most of what we get goes into savings, but being order to replace equipment that no longer works is a hap-hap-happy time.

this also marks the end of the excuses about the book. i'll have my keyboard and precious trackball back and in the time it takes to get here, i'll have cleared a space to work in the studio at the computer the book is on. my computer. my slightly ill computer. it claims not to recognize the ethernet controller while it connects successfully. it is confused. i've made mad backups of the book and the journals it came from. i have to find some medical records and read the five journals i found and see if there is anything i can add to the book. those will be fun to read. i don't remember writing them.

good morning sunshines!!

i got up in the 9 o'clock hour. just in time to answer the door for the maintenance man. it was the same guy that was here a couple of weeks ago, but didn't remember what the issues were. ACK! is there no organization here? so now doc and i are waiting for him to come back, hopefully with a new toilet for M's room. at this point i don't even care if i get a new fan in my bathroom, i just want my roommate to have a working toilet.

doc stopped and mentioned how loverly my hair looks in the sunlight. that was nice of him. and of course he didn't use the word "loverly", he's too manly for that. but he did compliment me. i like my hair, at least in color. it's three colors now. four if you include my roots. i need to go get hair dye and hair product and pink fingernail polish. i don't know if i'll find the shade of pink i want, but i'm going to try hard. maybe i'll get some new eye shadow too. i only put on makeup once a week or so, but it makes me feel good to gussy myself up.

what drives me to post when i first get out of bed? it isn't my most coherent time. i guess it's because i am so open when i wake up, making an entry feels right.

doc and i did almost nothing yesterday. i did nothing. doc cleaned like a man driven mad with allergies in an apartment with cats in a locale where it is impractical to open the windows. we have clean spots all over our carpet from spot cleaning (funny how that sentence worked out). our air vents are clean, the apartment has been vacuumed within an inch of it's trampled down plush. and damned if it isn't easier to breathe.

the sky is cloudless and a really nice shade of blue. it's supposed to rain later this week. i can't wait. though it is monsoon season here and every threat of rain is a threat of flash flooding. another reason we live above the first floor.

my dreams have gone back to hiding in my psyche. i don't remember any of them. i guess i've been sleeping better. i wait until i'm tired instead of just going to bed when i take my meds. M goes to bed before doc gets home, then i have about an hour until doc gets home, i try to stay up with him for a little while. and then i have the mornings with doc and the afternoons with M. in between is lots of alone time for me.

i'm hatching a plan to take over my studio again. it is full of stuff i may need in the future and an extra computer. i can't get anything done, including getting to my computer to access email. this has got to change. i save fabric for my goddess dolls, that takes up the most room. i have some boxes i can pack those into and hopefully there is room for those outside in the little storage closet.

that's enough for now, i think. i need more coffee.

have a great day, everyone!

i use a product on my hair to keep it in line (natural curls) and the product was recently changed by the company, changing the smell of the product (which did bum me out for a while, i loved the previous scent of the product), and apparently the formula. while the previous prduct detangled my hair, it tended to flatten it out. but this morning i have no complaints, my hair is soft and i can run my fingers through it. i can never run my fingers through my hair. i will be a loyal user of this product for a while. meanwhile Herbal Essenses has discontinued the conditioning spray i use and i am unhappy with them for it. but let's be clear, this is a Great hair day.

Jack woke me up today with fuzzles and love and nary a bite on the nose. waking up to his motor purring in my ear is just joy incarnate. i got up and put my contacts in and played happily with my hair while leeloo and jack play fought in the empty bathtub. i'm letting doc sleep in. M is at work and this is my time. the cats wander around, paying me attention occasionally.

i don't know that doc and i have any plans for today. likely cleaning up my bedroom. it will be a nice day. there are fluffy clouds in the sky, but i don't hate the sun like i did last week. so long as i don't have to go outside. hee.

oooh, i have clove cigarettes, a treat to myself last week. i think i will smoke one before doc wakes up. he can't stand the smell of them. heh.

look at that icon. he doesn't look demonic. okay, he does, a little bit.

i think jack and tech are using the night time to run amok.

the clouds have rolled in, they don't look rain filled, but they filter the sun. of course going outside is out of the question for those with breathing problems, the clouds keep in the ozone, making the levels rise until the clouds go away or it rains everything away.

M is in his room watching 1408 on his computer. he has the nicest monitor. it's big and clear and brilliant. i'm going to look into getting a monitor made in this century soon. i asked last night if i could order the trackball and keyboard today, and doc said he thought i had already ordered them. so i guess that's a yes.

the burgers last night were great. i had a double. so much for a low fat diet, hee. i think i want a banana. i wonder if there are any left. i take the stickers off of them and put them in my paper journal. i don't know why, it breaks up the monotony of just handwriting. one of my journals i just found, i stickered and stamped my way through the end of it just to make it interesting. paper journals are great.

i have my headphones on, listening to my mp3 player. i haven't listened to music much since my last shrink appointment. and i need to make an appointment with my therapist. i'll call tomorrow.

and speaking of tomorrow, doc took a vacation day and will be spending tomorrow with me. YAY!!! we'll probably look into cleaning the bedroom. it's still a mess from the move in, when M moved in, we cleared all of our crap out of his room. most of it went to storage, but there were a few boxes i needed to look through.

it's hotter than snot outside and we have all the blinds closed and fans on, to keep the air circulating and making our a/c go on less. it's a careful balance, how many fans are less than a/c in power costs and such nonsense. i decided today i hate the damned sun. i'm sure it won't last. but i'm really really looking forward to the cloudy days predicted for next week. they are even calling for rain. blessed weather people.

we're watching movies and we're going to bbq burgers tonight with bloody marys featured at cocktail hour.

i think my philedendron is dead. i'm not very good at this plant thing. i'll keep trying as long as the dollar store carries them.

good morning sunshine!

i got up early and without hatred for waking up. it's friday and the boys will be home for two whole days. i love fridays.

tech likes milk. i left my milk from my cereal out last night and doc said tech had most of it. his tummy is going to be sore today, usually the cats split the milk up, tech is the first to drink the whole thing.

that's all i've got to say right now. doc is here right now and i want to spend time with him. maybe i'll post something of substance later.

have a great day!

my life revolves around these cats. only i get to witness the fights and sniffs of the day. i had to break something up yesterday between tech and jack. my arm is all cut up from jack's razor teeth. little prick was playing for keeps. hee. leeloo has tech totally scared of her. yesterday she blocked off the dog door to the balcony, attacking tech every time he got his head through. since there was no threat of violence like there is when jack is involved, i let it resolve itself.

most boring entries ever. every time i look at my friends list, so many people have deleted me. it makes me sad, so i don't look anymore. since i'm writing for me, it doesn't really matter. this cat stuff i am learning could come in handy later.

it's 106 degrees out. and the dew point is at 56 degrees, which means that there is much moisture in the air. and since there will be no rain, the front will take the moisture with it. it all makes sense when the weather guy says it.

not much to say. my ankle is progressing well. the swelling is less every day. the pain is negligible, though there are movements and certain positions that cause some very nasty pain for a while. i didn't learn to slow down when i had a head wound, and i didn't learn to slow down for this ankle, either. i'm pig headed.

i get to order my new trackball and keyboard soon. then i'll start working on things again on my machine. i'm still posting from M's laptop. it's just there, waiting to be used. so i must obey my electronic deity and use it. of course so is the PS2, but i'm afraid of sucking too much. there are so many buttons on the controllers. they intimidate me.

M and i have been having film festivals. he's shown me so many cool movies i never would have seen if it hadn't been for him. i wonder if he will appreciate "morons from outer space", i can never tell if someone will like it or not. and it's such a good movie. it is beyond stupid, but has it's hysterically funny parts that make up for the too stupid parts. netflix has it.

there is someone outside sitting in their car with the volume so loud in their car, it vibrates things on my mantle. i wish they would take their deaf selves into their apartment and bother their own. i'm so that lady. i dress like a teenager and look very young for my age, but i have that "get off my lawn" or "turn that music down" mentality.

gee, i guess i did have something to say. hee.

no rain today. not yet. it's cloudy, Pittsburgh Grey. but there were storms coming round from the south east on the radar i saw last night. we need more rain. it's only 88 degrees here. i know it's morning, but as soon as the sun comes up, it heats up fast. according to the weather channel, rain is not out of the question.

i don't know how to put my finger on it, but i feel much better now that i have my seroquel. it's true i didn't melt down when i was off of it for a week and a half, but i feel much better now. i have some peace of mind, my thoughts aren't spinning and i am capable of sitting still for a bit.

doc went to walmart and got me a neoprene ankle brace. i had him get it because of the surgery i had years ago on my other ankle. there's some sort of tendon or ligament missing issue. once i hurt my other foot, twisted that ankle, i kept twisting it until it was huge and purple. but gym class contributed to that, i'm more sedentary now. so i wanted a brace so i don't twist it any more and end up with surgery on it. it makes more sense in my head.

it rained yesterday and today. i slept through today's rain, but last night it was incredible. huge lightning and thunder activity, i love living in the desert. i didn't get any pictures because my batteries in my cam were recharging. no matter, i've taken plenty and posted them here.

you should see jack and tech. they deal with each other when we aren't looking. if someone is paying attention, then they fight. so deliciously cute and entertaining. having gotten though the rough part with jack, leeloo is now asserting her alpha cat reign. she's even chased tech.

on the down side, one of the cats got to the hamster while she was in her cage. she has a gash on her little neck. we cleaned it out and cleaned and sterilized her cage to avoid infection and put New Skin on the wound after cleaning it with peroxide. we should be vets, i swear. we have since found a temporary solution, blocking off the top of the table where the hamster is. i also caught tech trying to get up there and sprayed him with the water bottle. i got the hoped for response of him running to me for protection from the water. as long as he knows not wither the water comes from, it will be really easy to discipline him. though i don't want to overstep my bounds, he is M's cat, not mine. i wonder if he's under the chair right now (tech, not M).

the swelling in my ankle has gone down by about half. though my foot is swollen now. i need to stay off my feet, but there's stuff to do. iron and fold laundry, among other things. when i'm off my feet, i keep ice on it and keep it wrapped up. i can't keep it wrapped up at night because i tear it off, complaining of itching (as doc tells it). this will all be over within a few more days.

jack and tech are finally getting along. the odd hiss here and there, and some posturing, but other than that things are looking hopeful. there will be peace in our time.

i'm addicted to M's laptop. it sits in the living room and begs me to use it when he's not home or not using it.

i need to start pricing logitech trackballs and keyboards with email and internet shortcuts on it. i need to replace the ones that got burned out. i don't have room for a mouse on my computer table. i think i'll check out ebay.

ETA: joy! the trackball i want and the keyboard i want are both by logitech and they are only thirty dollars each!!!! yay hooray! i'm getting those suckers replaced!

the seroquel came yesterday. so i took it and slept most of the day. now doc is back on the "do you need this med or that med" crap. then it's on me to say, "i've been seeing this thing and hearing that thing", and he'll say, "ohhhh, why didn't you tell me?" and then it will come back around to "do i really need the doses i'm taking" and around it goes. this is the only thing we argue about. but i'm sick of the argument. HE'S NOT THE DOCTOR. i've even talked to my therapist about this because i am so sick of this shit. he told me that i need to let doc know i respect his thoughts, but it isn't up to him. he's so in father mode.

i was going to go on, but why? i'm hungover from the seroquel, as i will be for a couple of days as i get used to it again. so i'm really in no mood to rehash it.

jack and tech keep going out onto the porch, and, i fear, getting along in secret. maybe someday they can feel secure enough to let us know about their love. right now tech and max are under the beat up chair. doc said he saw them sneak out of M's room and go for the chair and disappear.

i feel fucking godlike this morning. the abilify gave me a great night's sleep. and even though i'm up earlier than i'd like, it's nice to have quiet time. the boys have been home for the past three days and though doc is the disruptive one (i think he's happy to have a guy living here), it's nice to be "alone" (doc is asleep, in other words, dead to the world).

the cats have taken a new turn. tech and jack have finally come to terms with each other, but leeloo has started taking tech on. and while tech is twice the size of jack, he's only slightly larger than leeloo. so she has taken to hissing and growling at him whenever she makes their paths cross. i don't know what she's trying to accomplish, it may be solidarity with jack, it may be her just being her. meanwhile chloe and max, who won't deal with the other cats at all, have been secretly commiserating with each other over the whole chaotic mess. this all provides no end of entertainment for us humans.

we've been watching a lot of movies and seasons of south park. M has no end of DVDs. plus The Fifth Element was on tv last night and that always thrills doc and i, so we had to watch it.

i think i mentioned that M has a PS2 in the living room and he just found a bunch of games he had packed away for it. so i have a whole new game platform to mess with, and it will play my PS1 games, so i want to find those. it will be weird playing a game without god mode or other fun cheats, like on the computer. we do look up whatever cheats we can as soon as we play a PS2 game. we are cheaters. not M, just doc and i, we need the advantage, we're old.

ewww, my ankle looks bad still. only a little discoloration so far, but the swelling is dramatic and yucky at the same time. but it doesn't hurt much at all, like, at all. i'm keeping it wrapped up so i don't do more damage and i'm not allowed to fold it up under me (i told you, it's not hurting at all) or walk fast.

time for Venture Brothers, gotta go.

i can walk on my ankle today. well, i can hobble around on it. i opted not to go to the hospital unless it doesn't heal in the next couple of days. or at least get as better as a tendon should. my only worry is that i don't have a lot of tendons in my ankle. i was born without them. i had my left one fixed when i was in high school.

it's a nice weekend. i got some abilify so i'm sleeping now. i just woke up from a nap, as a matter of fact. i feel much better.

i sit with my legs curled up under me. this is a problem because it cuts off the circulation to my legs. and sometimes i don't wait long enough to get up. last night i did this and twisted my ankle and landed on my ankle bone with all my weight. so needless to say my ankle is very fucked up now. so much for going to see the fireworks tonight. and doc has to wait on me, which i hate. he's asleep now and i've been getting things for myself and going to the bathroom by myself. my achille's tendon is so painful and i have a golf ball sized side of my ankle. so stupid.

so i have learned my fourth of july lesson. let the legs get the feeling back into them. oy.

i hope everyone has a happy fourth of july, even if it isn't a holiday for you. :)

oh it's nine in the morning and i'm up. i went to bed at 4 trying to guarantee that i wouldn't be up at seven. i woke up at 8. the cats are playing keep away. as in keep away from each other, but barely. i've never seen such a dance. the new cats are teaching us all manner of things about our cats. like jack screaming like a woman, that was totally new for me.

i'm watching some old thriller about someone making a woman think she's crazy. either that or she really is bats. we're out of cigarettes, which is a bummer. my oral fixation is insanely strong.

i'm trying to figure out if i want to go up on the hill to watch the fireworks, or if i want to watch on tv at home. if i go up on the hill, i can video capture it, just to do it. it may be too hot. it's supposed to be 110 degrees today. big a/c day.