Musings of the Bemused

2:40pm: I forgot to mention it. I went FRIENDS ONLY a long time ago. If you want to be my friend, please let me know!

3:31pm: Well, crap!
I realize I totally haven't been updating stuff. I tried to revitalize the Pepper McGowan community. See if anyone posts now!

1:22pm: I haven't updated in forever. Moving made all the difference in that. Shit, I am still trying to settle in. This guy in my new building keeps asking me to coffee. Do I go? AM I gay? Maybe I need to try the guy thing since the Laura thing went so poorly.


I don't know.

Anyway, for the Pepper fans who read my LJ

http://www.livejournal.com/users/inkymidnight/6145.html

she posted something cool about rainn. serious but cool.


Must get ready. Got tickets for Tori/Ben Folds yesterday. Who to take?

1:21pm: Nobody wakes me up at 8 on a Saturday
Not that this is all that interesting but I fell asleep on Donna's couch and Carol called so she gave me the phone and I talked to her and said I'm sleeping I don't feel really good. She says well "Laura needs to talk to you" so she says "I need that cookbook because I'm making something for Lisa's Easter dinner." So she was real bitchy and I'm like "what do you hate me now?" and she says yeah and hangs up. So I go to my car and there are 8 messages on my phone. Two are from Beth and the rest are from her and she's all hostile like why aren't you answering your phone? You ALWAYS answer. I'll be over your apartment to get my book in the morning after I drop Carol off. So she buzzes the shit out of my buzzer at like 8 am and I came down slowly and the body language was funny because I go down there and she's totally facing away from me stamping her little bitchy foot. And so I let her in and I'm like how you doing she says fine, rushes up the stairs, I give her the book and she says if you want to hang you you just call me from now on. I didn't know what to say. For a split second she had me in that way where I didn't want to argue. She starts pacing and saying you never return my fucking calls next time you want to hang out with me and Carol you call me.

I said no you're lucky I'm still friends with you two after all this, you getting all lippy with me cuz my phone was in the car. 1- you will not make me feel bad 2- you will not make me cry 3- you won't dictate the boundaries of our friendship.
So Laura she finally sat down smoking and sulking and i'm like i'm not kissing your ass anymore cuz helen's ass kissing shop is closed for business forever.


she said "I understand Janet's been sick and all and I hope she's okay yo wanna go to the library with us?" And I was like "I haven't seen Janet in a couple days and she's sick and so, I can't." I shoulda put the bitch in her place a long time ago. Acting like a teenager coming over my house telling me how to have our friendship. Fuck that shit. I'm mad but I feel better venting. Fucking asshole. I told her I was moving to a new apartment so she started going on about her and Carol's new apartment and I'm like that's nice. Her mom yelled at her cuz the credit card company called. I said you're 32 years old don't take it out on me.

The worst part is that, though it pains my pride to admit it here, she and Carol were fucking behind my back. While Laura and I were still together. She should be kissing her own ass with glee that I have let her back into my life but in hindsight I realized that I missed my friendship with Carol more than my actual Relationship with Laura. And I don't even know how the fuck Eleanor feels about this, she was still dating Carol when Carol cheated on me with Laura. I just don't need this shit. Laura is SELLING her (formerly our but her lawyer's paycheck really bought it, I just contributed to the mortgage) house and moving in with Carol to some shit ass apartment so they can save money to get a boat together. This is the same Laura who wouldn't put on a fucking bathing suit and set foot in the water when we went to Florida together. So fuck them and their boat and their apartment. Laura was never a good lay anyway. I kept making excuses but after five years you can't keep saying someone's "new" to the lifestyle. Goodbye big tits, goodbye pincurls, goodbye stick up your ass I'll teach you to wake me up at 8 am for a fucking cookbook.


In other news, I have a date tonight. We have already talked on the phone. She lives in Chesterland. She's 24, and she actually has a horse. A horse. I don't think I"ve been on a horse since pony rides at a fair when I was a kid. Her name is Rita and she looks a bit like Natasha Lyonne. But she dyes her hair red. Yep, she's got Tori as an interest too. I'm so nervous. I don't know what to do. We're supposed to meet at Tommy's at seven. Shit. But that's another story. Fuck my cell is ringing and it's Laura again. See me not get the phone. Fuck you. I have a date.

2:33pm: yay new EWF friends
I met some people in the chatroom yesterday at http://www.toriamos.com. One of them is actually from Canton so maybe we'l meet up.

I was trying to turn them on to Sarah Pepper and Terami.

I'm pushy. But they were really sweet. And there was a girl in there who does music that totally sounds nothing like tori. I don't have the exact link but her band is on Mp3.com and they are very good they are called VelaUniform. I could totlly see her on a bill wth Chloe Galvanic.


Oh well. more later
hel

2:57pm: Toledo TORI SHOW!
Oh my GOD this was such a good show. It was better than the Cleveland one, IMHO. I actually cried when she played Sister Janet, because it was so beautiful, and the piano work she did on Hotel just gave me chills. This is the first Tori show I've been to since Laura and I broke up, and so I cried like a baby during China which I don't even like. Fuck it, I don't even know, some of the boys that weren't gay there were pretty hot. Maybe I'm not even a lesbian anymore. The bar had drinks named after Tori songs. I drank two Talula's on an empty stomach so I was a little bit buzzed which always leads to emotionality.

People I saw that I knew from the Dent and other E pursuits that are Tori or music related:

Dan (glitterboy93)
Heather (shesparksswirls)
Julie (herwaitress)
Pepper (who does her own Tori like music and was with a cute guy probably her husband)
Nicole and Lisa (jupitergirl and jupegrlgrl) who are such a cute absolutely adorable couple.

There was also that girl Ronda whose AOL name I can never remember but she's kind of weird. She has also put on a lot more weight since the last time I saw her at the 5 1/2 weeks tour and I feel really bad because I know she has a hangup about it. Anyway, it was a helluva show.

Set List:


Wampum Prayer
a sorta fairytale
Siren
Pancake
Cornflake Girl
Don't Make Me Come To Vegas
Hotel
Crucify
Wednesday

Band Leaves

Famous Blue Raincoat
China
Sister Janet

Band returns

Bells For Her
In The Springtime Of His Voodoo
Lust
Sweet Sangria
God
I Can't See New York
Iieee

1st Encore

Taxi Ride
Mrs. Jesus

2nd Encore

Juarez
Past The Mission


WOW!

8:43pm: when only the fucking music saves me
Been listening to a lot of older Tori, mainly under the pink and LITTLE EARTHQUAKES. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. Laura and I are on a time out. I'm a mess. I haven't had a computer and I hate going to the library becuz there is always some weird B.O. smelling freak tapping away at the keys. Hopefully I will have my new computer before long and I can stop griping. Right now I am at the mercy of friends.

Don't know what my problem is. Maybe early menopause? Maybe just nerves. Fuck fuck fuck. And more swears where that came from. Maybe I should just try men; being queer is too darn hard.

12:59am: there's a skip in my scarlet and i'm PMSing and bitch and blue. what else is new. i dont' know what the whole laura thing is. back and forth back and forth. i never took ballet class.

2:52pm: stressed
from here. no lines are drawn......

I am quite upset this week. I don't care for drama type stuff anymore. I used to go out of my way to make it when I was in highschool because I didn't think it was "love" or whatever unless someone left the room in tears.

Fuck. Where do I begin? I have been "married" since the summer I turned 20. Handfasted. To Laura. I hope I don't get defriended on account of my dykeness. But anyway. So this summer, we were having a LOT of problems, and for a week she moved back to her dad's, and we fought over a cat of mine that pissed on something important for her job. She's 7 years older than I am too, and so she doesn't quite get what I am into sometimes because she's already 31 and we're not always on the same page.

While we were having problems, in spring, I met Christa. And I'm really in love with her. But she's very...controlling in that virgo way (no offense to virgos who read here) and I am not ready to break up with Laura all the way either. I'm not sure what to do. Also, my gay friend David is being all dramatic cuz his two year relationship with Brian just ended drastically and horribly, and he had to mention the fact that we had sex in highschool before when we were really not sure if we were gay or not, after a lot of booze at a party, and he's so hungry for intimacy right now that he suggested that since Laura and I are still kind of ....on the outs, that we should maybe do "fuck buddy" thing and I'm horrified cuz I hate that word also and because, well,I don't really want to. And if I was ever going to have sex again with a boy, it wouldn't be David. It was one of the lamest quickest stupidest sexual things I have ever had.

Laura loves Ani and Indigo Girls. I love Tori and Fiona. She says Fiona sounds like a goat with a cold, yet she likes Stevie Nicks who I really don't care for. She also scratched up two of my CDs last weekend by putting them face down someplace rough and I just am not that inconsiderate. Idon't know what to do here. She has a real job if you will, a career, and I'm still finishing school and that's also a problem, because she makes more money than me and will always be 7 years more experienced in the world, sometimes she's very condescending. Her mom asked if we were going to have a baby together soon cuz we aren't getting any younger. And she's totally out and okay with her family and my familly mostly thinks that we are roomates. My oldest brother Jon knows on account he caught us doing stuff in the living room once. But Anna and Mel have no idea, even though I saw one of Anna's friends at a gay club when we were there. So fuck. I don't know. I'm just being a crybaby crab ass today. What to do?

12:55am: alls not always ending well
michelle took me off her friends list and she still won't talk to me. i feel like this is too .....childish to be so upset about but i am. and she actually bitched about it to a yahoo tori group too that just wasn't a nice thing to do.


sorry i'm ranting and sulking. i'm a crab, the mood will change in no time but in the meantime, I'm a sour cherry in an apple pie.

7:06pm: The Dumbest Fight
Michelle is still not talking to me, and she's acting like this is junior high on instant messenger with some of my other friends. This is the thing, I had originally gotten balcony seats for Tori and then I found some on EBAY that were much closer and so I bid and bought those. For the Cleveland show. And I told her that I needed the money ASAP or else I'd have to sell them to someone else cuz I'm really not made of money and I probably spent more than I should have but I haven't seen Tori in ages and so I sold the original tix at face value to this nice gay couple who own an antique shop near where I work and anyway, I took Stef instead because Michelle kept dicking me around about the tickets and when she could pay me for them and Stef found out about them and she said she's give me a hundred dollars and take me to dinner. I'm a poor college student and we had this conversation the eve of the show so I said okay. Soon as that was done, I called Michelle and left her a voicemail and told her that since I had left her repeated messages about buying this ticket, I was taking Stef. Or selling it to her. Now the other thing is, I used MY CREDIT CARD to buy the orginal balcony seats and she never paid me back for that either so I sold them to Joe and Jeremy. And now she's making me out to be this manipulative asshole.

Complicating the matter is that Stef and Michelle hate each other because in highschool we were all friends and then Stef and Andy broke up which was like they were almost married. 3 years of dating is like married in high school. And Stef was saving herself. Not necessarily for marriage but for something and Michelle started doing it with Andy that same winter and they sorta dated but anyway somehow in the middle of all this I am the asshole and Shel keeps telling all these mutual friends how I did this on purpose. And I really wish she had been able to see the concert, she only saw one Tori concert during the Alanis tour and I thought it would be nice for her but now all of a sudden I'm queen pig bitch.

Also, I sent Pepper an email about someone on my friends list that she (pep) allegedly defriended and she wrote us both back and it was a misunderstanding I guess. I just hope she doesn't read what that asshole wrote in my LJ about her because as soon as I'm done with this I need to hide it. All I can say is that I logged the IP and it came from CWRU which is in Cleveland so it's a Toriphile local who hates her. Anyway I just feel like I'm on everyone's shit list right now.

1:39pm: I made a community
For Pepper McGowan fans. I love her and I love Terami Hirsch and I figured since Terami has one (LOVING to the bone, by the way, everyone get that CD) I would make a pepper one. So it's called Pepper McGowan and if you like her music, join!

12:44pm: FRIENDS
I added a bunch of people to my friends list that were listing similar interests. Don't feel obligated to friend me back. I am new to the whole thing.


Okay. Talk to you all soon



*hel*

11:48am: Tori Afterglow
There is something about that woman that is still fucking magical, even though I have to say I prefer the Tori of bygone days. The whole show was phenom even though there was a girl dancing around like she was in the throes of a seizure. Wampum Prayer was just chilling, and there's just something about her presence. I don't know how such a physically tiny woman can emit so much power but wow.

The one thing I must complain about regarding Tori shows is that there are hundreds of people. And I am one of them. But maybe fifty percent of them look like someone I could connect with, or even be Net Friends with, but at the show during intermission and stuff they just look all serious and sometimes if I make eye contact with them they GLARE at me like I invaded their religious experience and that hurts the shit out of my feelings because I almost wish I coulda printed up little pink cardstock cards and had "Hi I'm Helen I would like to meet and know if there are EWF in my area that I can actually hang with and talk Tori and have coffee with and etc. I'm going to post this in my regular LJ and in toriamos.


Okay enough of my whining. It's jst weird how Tori shows can make me feel so charged up and so lonely at the same time. Anyone else ever feel/notice this?


PS I used the word TARD in a previous entry. I wasn't thinking, I'm sorry if it hurt or offended anyone.

8:19pm: newbie
My name is Helen. I'm 24 years old. I'm a cancer. I'm a big fan of singer songwriters, especially women and especially pianists. I live near Cleveland. I'm emotional, moody, sporadic and loyal. I enjoy cooking. I'm a vegan. I feel like a tard posting this so I will stop until I have something more interesting to say.