| Back from the dead. |
[Saturday
May 31st, 2008 at 12:36pm] |
I don't believe that many people at all look at this journal... which may be why I am unafraid to write this. I wrote this today... after reading old journal entries about someone who I spent too much time thinking of.
You were only in my head.
I had built you up into something that, now that I have my eyes open, I can see you are not. I put you on a pedestal in my heart and hoped you would not let me down. And I caused myself more pain than I am willing to admit. For a long time I blamed you, believing that it was your fault for not seeing what there was potential for between us. I thought that you were foolishly in love with someone because they quickly were a comfort more than a love. I now understand that the one who was foolish was me. I spent too much time making you out to be the one in my mind, and our fun times together only seemed to confirm the image I had produced. But eventually I stepped back to find that the person I was in love with, that I spent all my time torturing myself for, was only a figment of my imagination. A man who I may have known briefly before, but quickly became blind to his changes in personality. Or maybe I was blind in the beginning. This does not make you any less great, only just less perfect in my eyes, which is ultimately a positive consequence.
It is amazing to realize the tricks that one's own mind can play on them. It is astonishing how easily the heart can be blinded by the mind's imagination. And how if you tell yourself something is true long enough your heart is destined to take it as a truth. These falsehoods set forth by the imagination can have such a stronghold on the heart as to make one fight passionately against all who speak out against it. But maybe there is no merit in proclaiming a difference between a truth and a falsity. Maybe because each person has their own heart that has been imposed upon in different ways according to the inner thoughts of its owner, there is no way to determine what is really true when speaking of matters dealing with the heart and soul. Especially when one can convince their own heart to believe any truth or lie with a certain amount of persistence, and that no one else can feel the emotions that provoke the mind.
For in the end we are all creatures of limit.
We shall all one day perish and what feelings we had or didn't have or believed we might have had will be useless to our insignificance in comparison to the universe.
This may seem unforgiving on the matters of the heart, but it has occurred to me that it is valid considering the confusion all go through when trying to figure out what their heart is saying. It is hard to understand a heart that has been tainted by the imposition of the mind's view of what is true and false.
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| It's 2008!! |
[Tuesday
January 1st, 2008 at 12:45pm] |
Sooo it's 2008 and the only reason I like doing new years resolutions is becuase I love looking back on them a year later to see what I really felt was wrong with me. haha. Sooo here are the new ones for 2008:
.1. Get better at snowboarding
.2. Get down to 135 (preferably 130)
.3. Either get over him or tell him how I feel
.4. Kiss at least one boy
.5. Refuse to settle on a guy
.6. Make the best out of every situation and be optimistic
We shall see how all of that goes.
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[Wednesday
December 26th, 2007 at 11:53pm] |
new year resolutions:
- be less stubborn and headstrong
- stop being so selfish
- let go of all the things that happened in highschool for good
- focus on friends and school and having a good time, boys can wait
- be nicer.
- stick with something instead of giving up or loosing sight of it like I usually do.
Sooo those were my new years resolutions last year...
I think I did good on number one... I am quite a bit less headstrong and stubborn. I finally am able to admit when I'm wrong and accept it. Which is a big step I must say.
I don't know if I am less selfish. I am a bit more aware of when I am being selfish... and try to prevent acting selfish... soo maybe that is progress?
I definitly let go of all the highschool drama junk. I made amends where they needed to be made... and I think I have a new slate... that is maybe not clean.. but it is new for sure.
I sucked at not focusing on boys... but I did focus more on friends and school... but I'm still boy crazy... oh well.
I dunno if I'm any nicer than last year. Probably not... I am a ton more sarcastic! hahaha.
I did stick to something. I stuck to the first "diet" ever and ended up loosing 25 pounds so far with it. I also started running and even though I'm taking a break I have not given it up. Not to mention I love my major and minor and don't plan on giving that up.
I still don't know what I am going to resolve for next year... hopefully it will be good.
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| Notes from the Lost Writer. |
[Saturday
December 8th, 2007 at 11:09pm] |
Here is some poems I wrote today while listening to the guys play music.
Part 1:
When the world is shaking,
and words you don't mean tumble,
out of your mouth comes sound,
when you wish to remain,
silent fills the miserable space,
between awkward conversations,
that meant nothing from the start.
All that's needed is one,
answer before my heart,
bleeds into my forsaken,
mind you left in the dark.
I hope silent tears,
burn the cut I have yet,
to make a move,
that I don't hate,
you still leave me saying,
things I don't mean tumble,
out of my mouth while waiting,
for you to say something,
all I got is nothing,
nothing at all.
Part 2:
I wish words flowed,
free of inhibition through,
the invisible barriers,
between me and you.
But at the gate I stumble,
dropping all the nerves,
I worked up as,
I tumble,
into my head again.
You play notes that,
I'll never quite understand how,
you can't see through my,
transparent mask of,
words I write to you.
It seems things change,
around me bit,
by bit I still can't let,
go of the way my,
heart beats different around you.
Part 3:
Your a freak messed,
up by the way society,
beat you down.
Since childhood you stood,
out of nowhere you say,
things that don't,
make sense to anyone but,
you seem to be okay with,
everyone staring down their,
pointy noses like God,
deemed them better.
Did you ever have a chance,
to fit in with,
everybody else laughs,
but do you really want,
to be one of them?
Part 4:
The way you smile back,
is like acid dissolving whats left of my heart,
or maybe it's like liquor,
burning as you swallow.
But at the same time you get a high,
because while it's in your system everything's okay,
but time after time,
drink after drink,
smile after smile,
the high wears into a hangover,
like the sun sets into the darkness,
and I realize the smile isn't mine,
and neither are you.
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[Thursday
January 4th, 2007 at 5:35am] |
Soooo... if you didn't know I'm majoring in Marketing and Advertising. Tonight I got kind of bored and decided to make and ad. George Lange is the photographer who took the pictures I used but if it had been for a clothing company I would have had that name instead.
Tell me what you think!
( Channing Tatum Ad )
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| I see whats really going on... |
[Monday
January 1st, 2007 at 5:16am] |
Sometimes I get attached to feeling pain and I hope I get hurt even worse, partly because it makes me feel alive, and partly because I hope you come to my rescue...
is that a sin?
new year resolutions:
- be less stubborn and headstrong
- stop being so selfish
- let go of all the things that happened in highschool for good
- focus on friends and school and having a good time, boys can wait
- be nicer.
- stick with something instead of giving up or loosing sight of it like I usually do.
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| and when will the spinning stop? |
[Wednesday
December 13th, 2006 at 2:48am] |
I want everyone to just be happy. I hate when people are mad at each other... it makes me sad. I can't help but take a side almost... I dont mean to... but in some cases it just kinda happens.
I love college... and I love my friends.
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| And everything goes round and round and up and down |
[Thursday
November 16th, 2006 at 8:40pm] |
Sooo... I'm glad the school part of today is over... I didn't even go to accounting class but latin american civ was short and sweet. I wrote a paper pretty much all day. Im sooo excited about chicago this saturday... pretty much my whole civ class is going and considering I love my civ class... it is going to be sweeeet. :-D
"and he's so funny in his bright red shirt, we were all in love and we all got hurt"
"You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you cant close your heart to things you don't want to feel..."
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[Thursday
November 16th, 2006 at 10:24am] |
sooo.. Im pretty much beyond tired right now. We went out clubbing last night... and I didn't do the paper that is due today... and now I am up early early early after going to bed late late late and im Tired tired tired and I dont want to write this stupid paper. I just want to SLEEP!! I am more than half way done though. I think at 10 I am going to go back to bed for an hour or so... and then get up and finish my paper and then maybe I will go to accouting and maybe I wont... I have never skipped before so I dont think it would be a big deal... and it might be a good idea in the long run because then once I finish my paper I can work on other homework that I really really really need to do. I have no Idea what I am going to do.
well... im back to the paper.
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| Looking Back... (while reading remember my disclaimer in one of my previous entries!) |
[Wednesday
November 15th, 2006 at 2:44am] |
Looking back on what I have done with my life so far...
all I can wonder is was it worth anything? Did I make ties that will last my life? Did I take a good path in my life? Where will the road I pick take me? Am I going to end up deserted in a field or will I end up on top with people who care about me? Am I doomed to surround my people who will take advantage of me... or am I finally choosing people worth taking chances on? Why do I care about people so quickly and find it unbelievably hard to forget about people who crush my heart? Why do I hide and then wonder why I was never seen? Why am I hiding now... and why do I always find myself thinking that I don't have a chance.... that I'm not good enough. I am good enough... right? I mean... that is what everyone should be thinking about themselves. Everyone should believe in themselves... but it is hard when you have never been able to find it in yourself to truely belive such. I am shy... as much as to my friends it doesn't seem it. I am timid. I don't like to show my feelings... which is probably why I do get hurt... because my feelings always exceed what I really show. If people ever really knew how much I cared about them, they would probably be scared off... because my love for the people in my life, even the ones who constantly hurt me, is an extreme amount that they may not reciprocate....
and if they didn't care as much about me... that is what hurts the most.
Pain is something I may be used to... and it may be something that I have tactfully learned to get over..... but it is still something no one wishes on themselves.
but if you need me to take the pain so you can be happy.... so you can feel better..... okay. I will deal. I can handle it.... and I have a feeling that you can't as well as me... thats why I dont tell you how I really feel... thats why I dont confront you... because it is better to let you hurt me than me trying to make you feel bad about yourself too. I just need to learn to avoid people like you.
I miss them. I miss so many people. I miss the things that I used to feel. I miss them. I miss all of it. I kind of feel empty... because I feel nothing but the emotion of missing everything. I want to feel alive. I havn't felt that way in ages.
Everyone seems to look at me and think that school is stressing me out. What is stressing me out is all the people that I cannot figure out. the ones that I constantly wonder if I can really count on. The ones that used to be my best friends. The ones I used to see everyday... now that this distance has broken us... I finally see that I really didn't find anyone that knew me. I thought I had that person... but she ended up just making me feel worse at times... she just made it so I coudln't have anyone closer to me than her... because she pushed others away from me. I don't have any bestests.... unless you count Brendan... but he is my best friend... but in a different way. He isn't a girl so he can never really fill the spot I need. I can't tell him everything... I can tell him most things... but not everything.
I just wish I felt as important to other people as they are to me. I just wish I didn't feel so empty and coldhearted.
I feel like the evil person that I was made out to be in highschool sometimes. I feel like the self-pitying, self-centered girl that I never wanted to be.
I hope im not that girl... because if I am... I really did screw up my life.
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| The chill of the room... |
[Monday
November 13th, 2006 at 2:56pm] |
Me and Sam are sick. Her more than me... but it sucks because its going to be hard to get over this with each other getting one another sick.
I have a nice long paper to write soon... along with 3 other small ones. Im not a fan of papers. I really need to bring my grades up though... I have been slacking... I mean.. not a lot of slacking... just enough to bump me into B's instead of A's. I need to work on that. I think I have a C+ in Civ. :-( Which sucks cus I really need a B in that class.
Hopefully that big project will raise my grade a lot. Im pretty good at projects....
MN is coming up soon. That will be a nice break. I'm going to have to be doing a lot of hwk and working out because after that is dance troupe hell week along with my big project for civ and then following that is my dance weekend then finals come up sooooon after.... I need to really get ontop of my game. At least I have this week and weekend to help me catch up. I'm going to Chicago on Saturday with my civ class... I'm pretty excited about that. :-)
Well im going to go tend to my sickness! bye!
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| When life gets you down... |
[Wednesday
November 8th, 2006 at 11:35am] |
I am angry... and I know I shouldn't be. And then when I realize I shoudln't be angry... I feel extremely guilty and awful.
And I dont want to go home. home is where everything is. Home used to be my comfort... but now im afraid of it. Everything that tugs at me... pulls at me... and haunts my brain is from home. It's one thing or another. I will feel like I am running if I don't go home though... and running will do me no good.
People say that I "left them behind" that I'm "living my life without them in it" ..... but don't you think its the same for me? While I'm here living my life.. and taking all the opportunities I can... you are all living together at home. You all do things with out me now... say things that I dont know about... I am out of YOUR loop just as much as you are out of mine. I'm not saying I'm not to blame... but I just don't think its fair to place blame.
I just want to enjoy this whole college thing. How can I be in the lives of the people I love the same way as I used to be when i am now hours away from them? Everything changed. Everything has changed... and no matter what that would have happened. Things can't stay the same when hours of distance are put between you.
When will this nightmare end?
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[Thursday
October 26th, 2006 at 12:22am] |
Let me tell you something about LiveJournal...
. No . one . ever . ever . ever . ever . posts their real feelings....
... it is always an over exaggerated statement of all the stress in their life because Livejournal is a venting place.
This is a disclaimer for my whole LJ:
DO NOT TAKE ANY OF MY SELF PITY SERIOUSLY. I ONLY POST IN HERE ON BAD DAYS OR DAYS WHEN IM REALLY BORED... IF I REALLY AM DEPRESSED... IM NOT GOING TO POSTING IN LIVEJOURNAL. SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.... LIVEJOURNAL IS MY WAY OF BEING A DRAMA QUEEN.
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| i hate the way he looks in that sweater. |
[Sunday
October 15th, 2006 at 2:43am] |
Well... I havn't written in here in a long long long long time... but.... I guess it really doesn't matter. I definitly am a stress-case. Between my serious boy problems and school work like crazy, and a messy room too boot.
I am glad I smile so much. Smiling is the one thing I can do that even when I'm sad it will hide it from people I dont want to know about how bad I hurt and it brightens me up. Smiling and laughing is what I want to be known for. I'm glad here at college I'm known for being the "happy girl." I'm really glad I made friends too. Part of me was scared after about the first week or so that I would never fit in anywhere... now I have good friends that arn't from my hometown. I even have people that I'm planning to live with next year... i loveeee them.
Dancing is going good. I really enjoy it.
I cried while reading an email today... I don't usually cry at emails... it was wierd.
I hate feeling like I don't know what to do with myself about things. How on earth do I feel? No one but me can answer that question... and I wish they could. I know that I can't really just tell anyone anything about how I feel... because pouring my heart out will just make me feel incapable of handling something that I have to handle on my own... Its not just that either... I dont want how I feel to be real. It just makes no sense how I feel. Everything is confusing and mixed up and I feel lost at times. Lately I have just been going off into la la land and imagining things that i shouldn't.
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[Monday
October 2nd, 2006 at 4:30pm] |
I just made my first set of brushes, it's only 6 brushes, but I'm pretty new at this...
click here to download http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/40759183/
Let me know what you think!!! :-)
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| College.... |
[Sunday
August 27th, 2006 at 10:19am] |
Well, I'm loving every second of being at GVSU. I absolutly love it here,and the people I am meeting, and our little "shs crew" is pretty fricken sweet too! I have been soooo busy. Meaning it is sooo hard to try and keep in touch with my family (mom and sister) and friends... especially bren who I always have to cut off after only talking for like... 3 min. I practically never call my mom or sister, or bren, or jen... because I just don't have time... I'm pretty much always on the go or with someone from when I wake up, till about 3 in the morning...
I feel bad because they all notice... and get hurt by that. How come they can't just understand that It's not that I don't want to talk to them, it's just that I'm finally on my own... and I just don't feel like I should be spending half my day on a phone (when I hate talking on phones) talking to people who are back home, when I could be enjoying my experience here and having fun, and meeting new people considering this is when you meet most of the people our dorm because we arn't all bogged with schoolwork yet and we having started being hermits in our rooms and studying constantly.
I feel bad because I have been letting them down and hurting them by not calling them, and because I know I won't really have time to change that...
:-(
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| Gvsu.... |
[Tuesday
August 22nd, 2006 at 5:57pm] |
I can't believe I'm in college... Its sooo weird. I love my roomate though... and I love my roommate... and all of her friends... they are really cool. I love how we set up our room too. Its so hard to believe that I am here... and that this is my home..
my room is so nice though... i already feel at home here...
I miss jen and bren though... they both made me cry last night...
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[Friday
August 11th, 2006 at 1:12am] |
Well Minnesota has been very productive...
Inventory of my new StUfF:
+4 C.D.s
+The movie Center Stage
+ A purse
+5 hoodies/sweatshirts/fleece
+3 long sleeve shirts
+3 quarter sleeve shirts
+5 t-shirts
+1 pair of comfy pants
+2 pairs of jeans
It was goood. :-)
Not to Mention! My niece started walking today...sooo cute! My sis and bro in law are in BIG trouble now!
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| I'm New. |
[Wednesday
August 9th, 2006 at 11:44pm] |
A Few I have made recently that most colorbar communities don't like because they arn't roygbiv...
(tell me what you think of these.... )
+Fall
+Hilary Duff (More of a banner than a colorbar... )
+Candles
+Nature
+Matthew McConaughey
( All Natural )
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