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[16 May 2008|12:37am] |
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its nights like these where a trip from the highest point of a bridge, to the bottom of the river sounds so very tempting. I'm struggling just to sit here, and not do anything irrational.
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[14 May 2008|01:13am] |
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there are no livejournal communities about learning Catalan.
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[05 May 2008|04:00pm] |
on friday i tried to go to sleep early, and did not. I even slept horrible that night. it was dreadful, yet then... the weather sucked. I did buy some awesome shorts and some awesome sandals. so, wooo. then. magically, I went to sleep early on saturday and woke up sunday morning with the sun blazing in my face. it was amazing. so I biked across the city to new seasons and got breakfast, than to clinon street and got some coffee, it was eleven and of all the people I run into: brisa! she was having breakfast and coffee with her professor. so I wasn't invited to join. but yes, it was amazing to be there. the weather was perfect, as it is now.
I don't know what to write.
life can just, be so overwhelming, so devastating... I just don't know any more. school seems to be this huge anchor in my life. I wish I could give it a break, but I don't know if I can.
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[25 Apr 2008|01:42am] |
This guy near me in the lap is watching porn on his computer! seriously... wtf!
I mean, porn is great and all, but why in a lab? I just don't understand.
seriously, people like this should get a room.
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[22 Apr 2008|10:28pm] |
My bloody valentine is playing ATP festival in New York this september! Who's with me! LETS GO!
I like the new portishead album, yeah its pretty cool.
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[18 Apr 2008|12:51pm] |
I can't seem to not get F's in all my quizzes in my spanish linguistic class.
what's ironic is its my favorite class this term!
Oh Well...
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[14 Apr 2008|03:36pm] |
I did this, A LONG time ago. now I do it AGAIN!
( Read more... )
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[11 Apr 2008|12:59pm] |
what happened?
I have no idea. I can never figure myself out.... never at all.
last week I became overly depressed, wanted nothing more to end my situation with school, and life right then and there. I became overwhelmed. I needed something to refuge myself, to help me, direct me. what I found was something that acknowledged my helplessness and at the same time my power. I was some how led to read pieces of tolstoy's spiritual writing, the way of a pilgrim, maxims in sufism... I felt a massive sense of awe. I wanted to destroy myself and become something aside from that hermit with his vehemence towards almost... everything. I was trilled by the fact of becoming a soulful, decent person. To be healthy, to stop drinking, eating out, pornography, gratification, anything I felt hindered me! although I rarely do any of those things anyway, aside from eating out... it was enlightening to think like that. yet it was the atmosphere of the feeling I really liked, I tried to believe in something external. something spiritual. it made me feel good. now... ive lost it. I lost it all... I will probably continue my exact same problems because I feel no pain any more. I feel fine. yes, thats right I indulged off my pain... in the highest possible way. now I look at the same things that made me feel, so amazing, and I feel bored. I feel bored because I am not on the high end, I'm not panting through life any more. I am taking it easy. I wanted to dismantle those principles I once had... the once that keep me in my room, day any night. that people are worthless... or something like that. that new people will offer nothing. I wanted to force my self out there and to force myself to enjoy the little things in life. last week I looked at god, at an anti-dogmatic god and had... some sort of hope. now I look at god with... boredom. I feel nothing. no feeling at all. I don't want to advocate god, nor do I want to advocate atheism.
I am exhausted.
class in 45 minutes.
perhaps ill go eat something. and enjoy the weather... and then get drunk.
I forgot what makes me happy, but still I don't feel unhappy.
I know, I'm crazy. deal with it.
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[07 Apr 2008|12:01am] |
soon enough, very soon in fact, I am going to abstain from things I feel hinder me.
its going to be difficult, hard, long... but it'll make me a stronger person.
I feel I've grown a lot in the past three days. I've gone from crying a lot from pity of myself, to crying a lot from an emotional surge of spirituality. I understand things now I never thought I would understand. and it's grand.
also:
<3
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[29 Mar 2008|12:46pm] |
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FUCK THIS COMPUTER FOR NOT HAVING ANY SPEAKERS!
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[28 Mar 2008|01:30am] |
I feel the ground moving
it most definitely isn't
am I just shaking?
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[19 Mar 2008|05:15pm] |
I've failed to mention this. but i'm going to new york... tomorrow, for spring break.
wish me luck. every one here is telling me i'm going to get robbed.
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[18 Mar 2008|03:49pm] |
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fuck this shit. first I experience a massive amount of paper remorse, being regretful of my lack of studies and preparation, and now... this. I've been declined. I hate being declined.
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[17 Mar 2008|05:52am] |
I am fucked. fucked for this stupid paper I cannot write. fucking shit. at 12pm, hopefully this will all be over.
I turn to tolstoy for inspiration:
"We lost because we told ourselves we lost"
I'd quote more, but I have shit to do!
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[15 Mar 2008|07:42pm] |
This film is just like Juno! only... there's an abortion instead of an adoption and its in Romania during Communism, not in highschool.... okay, no, humor set aside, this was the most terrifying, intense film i've ever seen.
anyway, I feel uncomfortable in this lab in the library. I'm sick of the internet. ive been on here for 15 minutes.
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[06 Mar 2008|12:53am] |
I don't know what to write
perhaps, Señor Borges can speak for me.
see: eso
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[29 Feb 2008|12:38am] |
I had my presentation today. it was in spanish and it had to be about 10-15 minutes long with another person. I was stressing out about this a lot the past week. I haven't stressed so much since I had to present about the political parties of iraq and when I did, I had all this information prepared to say that was not apart of my slides and when I got up there, I just blanked and said what was only on the slide. ehhh... that was then, now... well it was a little easier because it was in spanish, the classes is only a grammatical class so one could only say something so simply. I was terrified some one would ask me a question that I would not understand, and no one did. that was great. also, I had to cut a large amount of my information out because I wrote too much! and even before hand the teacher asked us to make it extra short 4 minutes for each. blah blah. so I guess it went well. after that iraq thing I remember how incredibly relieved I was to be over with it. I had a similar feeling today but I am comfortable in my spanish class, speaking and asking question usually, unlike some other people. I came back to my room after my two other classes and slept. I swear I slept for 4+ hours but it was only for too. man. and now of course my head hurts. happens a lot when I am somewhat tired from lack of sleep and sleep only a minimal amount. I find this situation my only excuse to smoke pot, sadly I have none.
this weekend will be fucking nice. I haven't shit to do. it will be amazing. I could do... anything, something insane, crazy. no. usually just sleep in a lot, spend forever at the gym because exercising gets a lot of my chest, figuratively speaking, and makes me feel good. I could go to the airport and just browse the stores the have there, just for the hell of it. or go to a park and lay down. who knows. I am rarely in the mood to get drunk any more, unless its with the right people. and that fucking sun wakes me up at 7 am in the morning and its nearly impossible to go back to bed, so soon enough my sleep schedule will change. perhaps this is why last summer for the longest time I would get up early with nothing to do. it was fun. ahhh...
I'm sorry. I'm bored. I have nothing to write. but I like this writing thing. my mind is in one spot right now. for the time I was writing this, I forgot where I was. meh.
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[27 Feb 2008|06:54am] |
having nothing/actually... everything to do, Ive been browsing through past entries in this journal. kinds of nice, although I should be doing some homework. meh.
anyway, I found this. I posted it as a private post. I don't know where it comes from. there's no way I could have wrote this. I didn't write where I found it. it's interesting.
He gave a blank stare, straight into the mirror.
This was the stare of a man, looking for something, an answer, a sign, a prediction. But as he sized up his flat, uneventful hair and his overwhelmingly tight skin, he thought to himself: Would I have this face forever? Would I ever look into the mirror and see a different person then I see now? Will think different things of this face as I get older. Will I change inside, or outside? Do I need to change this face, this thing directly infront of me? Or do I, need to not acknowledge it exist?
Jared was a narcissist, and he did this every morning. His lover, Rosemary, sat on the edge of the bathtub, as they were about to make love in the bath. She stared as his naked body curious for only seconds at why exactly she enjoyed it. For the most part she focused on making the bath just perfectly romantic. She smoked a ciggerette, elegantly as the bath was nearly finished. She dipped the ciggerette in the water to put it out, threw it out the window and pulled jared close to her. As the sat in the bath, with their skinny bodis softly touching one another, they remained silent. Soaking up every piece of moment that could exist between them and the time. Rosemary glance at the clock next to the mirror, and broke the silence.
"What time are you leaving?"
"Oh, that's right... the shoot. I should get ready soon, but lord. I am so comfortable here with you. I do not what to leave. I want to sit in her with you forever. "
"Oh dear, you are so sweet. I don't think I have ever met such a guy who is as good looking as you, and so charming and so... just so, perfect..."
"You constantly tell me this... but to tell the truth, I can't hear it enought... oh shit, I really do need to leave. Castroph says if I am late one more time, he is leaving me for good"
"I think I will remain in here for awhile.." she said as he slowly got up, dressed, and lefted their apartment for the day.
Jared was a model, a rookie model. He had dropped out of college to persue this only last year. It wasn't until several months ago, he started getting actually luck. He modeled mainly for clothing lines, but today he had scored a deal with a hair product. He was told to grow his hair out by his agent. He did, and now it was his most infamous feature.
Jared got in a cab, and drove to the shoot. The driver asked him general questions about his carrer, as Jared loves to glote. One question, however, ended his gloting and narcissistic ways, for good.
"So.. when you were a kid, you know... young and full of imagination, did you want to be a model then?"
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[19 Feb 2008|11:57pm] |
yesterday, yesterday... my bike was fixed, the weather was flawless. I wanted, I needed to ride around this city. I had nothing to do. and. I did. I rode around like no other. along the water front to division to hawthorne and back. it was blissful. so nostalgic I almost cried. never had a felt so much pleasure by just the accompaniment of the sun and a city. ohhh how I want to do this every day.
and today. I went to school.
tomorrow I find out if I go to spain.
wooooo
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[17 Feb 2008|09:24pm] |
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ive just been on the computer for 90 minutes and have gotten nothing accomplished. ohhhh shit.
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consecration's journal