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[26 Sep 2005|03:06am] |
have you ever thought that maybe the people you meet through livejournal or elsewhere on the internet aren't all that they say that they are? i don't mean the people who misrepresent themselves or consciously mislead people. what i mean is a more subtle form of deception, where the deceiver is deceiving themselves as well. we all view ourselves a certain way and that's the way that we're likely to project ourselves onto these forums where honesty and openness is so treasured. it may not even be a matter of projecting who we want to be but just who we believe ourselves to be. but we're only giving out one side of the story. so often on these forums, we give each other our unconditional trust and belief that what we're hearing is the absolute truth of the matter. but we so rarely think about the other side of the truth. what if the person we're reading from is actually the one in the wrong? that's not a popular perspective. everyone likes to play the hero, the victim, the martyr. what happens if we're really the assholes? do we really deserve the unconditional support that we get here? and how healthy is it to have that kind of system feeding back on itself where you receive that kind of support and then you're expected to return it in kind and once you don't, that's when you're pushed off to the side and forgotten. how healthy is it even to be receiving unconditional support when really we're the ones at fault? doesn't that empathy just feed these feelings of victimization and false heroism in the face of our own self-inflicted problems? how good is all of this really? how much does all of this really enrich our lives?
i used to thrive on infusing a certain amount of intensity into my interpersonal relationships. at this point, i can't stand that anymore. most of my current relationships with people are built around a level of comfort and a non-confrontational approach to things. i keep things as simple as possible and don't get too involved with anyone else. it also makes it much easier to lose people along the way and not think too heavily about it. sometimes i miss the intensity of those past relationships but remember that it was usually built on a foundation of either bullshit or suffering and i realize that all i'm really missing is the feeling that i really cared about other people.
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commonrider's journal