I have come to the conclusion that my eating disorder is mainly me searching for control. I have never really had a constant in my life; what with parent trouble and such.
And i find control in what i eat (or rather don't eat) I live with 3 men, my dad and 2 older brothers. I have always been considered the baby, the little girl of the house and treated differently to my brothers. I was always the sensible one who never really did anything bad, which made it ten times worse when i did break the rules/law/expectations. I am 16, and they all still treat me as if i am incapable of doing anything for myself. Everything i say is laughed at and ignored and they all would rather i was seen and not heard, possibly not even seen. They suffocate me in their expectations and how i am never allowed to have a say.
I hate it! And to add to my 'cage' i live in the middle of no where making it that much harder to escape from them and this shit hole i live in. I swear to God i hate this life. One day when i move away i can forget about them. Not only has my upbringing of men left me feeling i have lack of control; but i also hate men. Well, i hate the thought of needing them. I feel uncomfortable in those 'intimate' situations despite wishing for them. They have left me a bitter person afraid of what could happen; always thinking of the worst.
I find it hard to trust and i find it hard to feel intimacy; i am scared of rejection, but even more afraid of needing someone, especially a man.

So today is DAY 1 for me.
i will post pretty much everyday...

My intake will be 800 or under for today since i have to go for a fucking meal!!!! Why does my brother have to be 21? And why does everything involve food? WTF!!!!

So far i have burned 300 calories. Will exercise some more and hopefully knock it up to at least 500.

XXXXX

http://community.livejournal.com/anorexiabulimia

join if you want to post, and receive support
xxxxxxx

hay
there is this asian singer called Sa Dingding and she is ultimate thinspo
xxxxx

I hate my body!
I hate my fat, it all over me and i hate it!!!!!!
I weigh myself on saturday. I am going to work really hard to lose at least 5lbs. That would put me at at least 8 stone 8lbs. I can do this

think thinner

I am aiming to be 16lbs lighter by the time it is prom!
That would make me 110lbs, though anything less would be amazing!!!!!

i will do this by:

Fasting whenever possible

exercising as much as possible

cutting down on public transport and walking

cutting out most meats

no junk food

fruit and veg

no carbs

meals in the bin

aiming to lose at least 3lbs a week

today has gone well.
I havent ate any solid food, but at lunch my friends started saying how i was looking thinner, they said i never eat. So i bought a yoghurt and they went on to say how i eat so healthy all the time, then one of them said i wasnt that healthy because i skip meals which is really bad and that i was clearly developing an unhealthy relationship with food...

WHATEVER!!! It is as if they dont want me to be thin.

So yeah, i ate the yoghurt, but then i just found myself running to the toilet and purging. It felt so good to get at leas some of the 120 calories out of me.

I am going to give dinner a miss today :)
I am going to my brothers art show at his college. So when i get back home i will say i am not hungry.

Hope you are all doing well!!!
THINK THIN
THINK BEAUTY

xxxxxxx

apple
orange
banana(not too many)
rasins
lettuce
celery
cucumber
pepper
carrot sticks
chicken broth
crackers
dry cereal
rice cakes
salsa
low cal noodles
low cal yoghurt
soup
fish
sushi
rivita
seeds

here are the before and after shots of my hair.
plus i have lost wieght since my longer hair so yay!





before 122.5




after 118

can anyone give me advice on what i should do when people ask me if i have an eating disorder????
i can't stand it when they ask and i panic!
please help!!!!
x

I have lasted well since i last wrote.
yesterday i had:
2xplain toast ( burned )
shared popcorn with a friend
fish with peas and potatoes

i would say that i burned around 300 calories walking and did some extra exercise throughout the day.
So yesterday wasn't that good but good enough.

Today i rocked:

2 x small bananas ( 180 cals)
lasagne (300 cals)


thats it!!!!!!!!
i burned around 500 cals and i can so do great tomorrow as well

its school and i can skip breakfast and have salad for lunch, small something for dinner? maybe not

keep strong girls we can do this!!!!!!
xxx

okay, so basically today is the first day of my new diet and in exactly one month i will be measuring myself to see how much i have lost. I'm going to a fancy dress party and i plan to look great, sexy and thin!!!!
Today i have burned at least 500 calories from constant movement and the hour and a half of dancing aerobics. I could really feel the fat burning.
Yesterday i ate loads and i mean loads, muffins, chocolate, toast..... i really overdid it on the binging and to make things worst i couldn't even purge because my whole family was crammed into this tiny house so it would have been audible!!!!! But i said no to dinner and saved my body any more torture! Thank God!!!!!!
Today i have eaten:

1 bowl of porridge - 200 cals
2 pinches of tuna - burned (yes mate 8D)
Dinner will be half of something healthy or nothing at all

i have bought some low cal malt hot choc to treat myself with and i suggest to anyone who wants to detox peppermint tea; you can feel it flushing out your system.

we can do it!!!!!
xxx