This is the first book of the Pentateuch and was probably passed down through oral tradition for several bazillion years before being written down around the time of the Palestinian Pseudepigrapha. As with most creation stories, it sets Man aside as the greatest of creations. *cue laugh track*

For one thing, this is a rather entertaining book as Biblical literature goes. It's much more narrative than the bulk of the Torah and really does paint a pretty picture. The basics: We're off to a good start here.

So...God says, "Let there be light!" and we're off with a bang. God interestingly creates light and later creates the things that make light, such as the sun. What can I say, this is one talented homie. The story is vague as far as God Himself. We know nothing of His origins, but His name, Yhwh, which means "The One Who Is" seems fitting as He simply is, there is no explanation offered as to where He came from or how He came to be. He just is. Right.

In Genesis 1, God creates animals and then man, telling man to "be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it." Yeah. I guess we obeyed that much. We're subduing the rainforests and third world nations as you read this. Let's hear it for manifest destiny and oppression! Boo yeah! Now, ancient man writing that God told them to "fill the earth and subdue it" is like me saying God told me to "Insult idiots and laugh as they feebly attempt to retort".

In Genesis 2, the author immediately contradicts Genesis 1 by saying that God creates man and then animals. Silly biblical authors. We're also not made aware of God's motives in creating all this poop. If He is omniscient, one would assume that He certainly must know what a race of arrogant, idiotic boobs humanity would soon become. For whatever reasons, He makes Adam anyway and Adam, ungrateful bastard that he is, doesn't waste any time whining about how he is lonely and pathetic. This is our progenitor, ladies and gentlemen. Explain a few things?

Now, you would think that if Adam had God to talk to, that would be plenty. I mean, wouldn't God be a great conversationalist, being all-knowing and so forth? One would think.

Regardless, Adam bitches and moans until God starts pumping out potential companions, all of which Adam names and then decides aren't good enough. He should have just stopped with a dog or a cat or something but as we will soon find out; if brains were dynamite, Adam couldn't blow his nose. One would assume God would have made him somewhat more intelligent but no such luck. We can only surmise that God wanted a little entertainment and Adam is entertaining in his bungling.

On a tangential note, why is it that God later forbids bestiality when he initially suggests that Adam shack up with animal after animal? Fickle omnipotence. Go figure.

So finally, God robs Adam of a rib and creates Eve. This ought to stir up some fun. You know the story. God orders Adam and Eve not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. We're not really sure why God doesn't want them eating this fruit but He's quite adamant about the whole deal. This is probably why a lot of religious people seem to think that knowledge is such a bad thing. Natch. God would later learn to choose his words more carefully.

Let’s be fair, though – God was a new parent at this stage. How was He to know that saying, “Whatever you do, don’t eat this! I’ll just be over here…creating something or wanking or whatnot,” would create in the humans that spark of homo sapien lust for the unknown? Oh, wait – the omnipotence thing. Yeah. Oh well: Never let it be said that these stories made actual sense.

So, the serpent (whom everyone seems to think is Satan but remember, Satan had not been created yet) talks Eve into eating and she talks Adam into eating and before you can say "Oops", the first round of passing the buck is played. God boots their asses out of the garden and huffs and puffs while placing an angel guard with a big, imposing flaming sword at the entrance. Of course, we didn't hear of God creating any angels yet but, hey we've already established that continuity doesn't seem to be all that important.

So, eventually, Adam and Eve do the nasty and Eve gives birth to Cain and Abel. Again, you probably know the story...Cain becomes the world's first murderer and God punishes him by giving him a mark that identifies him as such. Apparently, his descendants bear the same mark and some unabashedly stupid people have proposed that dark skin is this mark. I tend to think that it's in reference to rednecks but hey, that's just me.

Here's what's really odd:

Cain and Abel somehow acquire wives. Where the fuck did they come from if Adam and Eve were the first people on Earth? Seems that God may have moved on from pushing the bestial booty to promoting incest.

Moving on...

We are now bombarded with endless genealogies, which are interesting historically but are of absolutely no use to the average reader. We’d be saved pages of boredom if God had a decent copy editor. All you need to know is that eventually we got to Noah.

Before we talk about Noah, let's discuss the Nephilim who were created when "The sons of heaven had intercourse with the daughters of man." Theories as to what the blazes this means vary from alien interbreeding to horny angels. I have no particular feelings on this subject other than the assertion that I would sleep with aliens or angels should the opportunity arise. Sounds fun, yes?

Where were we? Oh yeah - Noah - God gets sick of mankind and decides that they were a big mistake (wouldn't you?) so He opts, temperamental artist that He is, to destroy His creation. Playing favorites again, He says, "Pssst, Noah! I'm gonna kill off all those idiots. Make a boat and save the critters. I like them."

Noah obeys and makes the ark; he then loads it full of animal pairs (which would not create enough biodiversity to sustain any species, but who am I to point that out?) along with his wife, his sons and his sons’ wives. If he had any daughters, they became fish food.

Eventually, after 40 days and nights (Which is a colloquialism for "a very long time" and is not to be taken literally) the ark comes to rest atop Mount Ararat and Noah, along with his family and the animals, began life anew.

We are then told that Noah is a lush and fond of getting plastered. In Genesis 9:22, Noah lays wasted in his tent and “Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness.” Some scholars suggest that he did a bit more than just see his nakedness but there is no specific evidence to support this claim. When Noah wakes and discovers what has been done to him, he cries out "Cursed be Canaan!" and sentences him to be his brothers' slave. Perhaps Noah was still a tad sloshed as it was Ham and not Canaan who "saw his nakedness". Regardless, here we see the first slavery, folks. Fun, fun fun.

More genealogies and we find ourselves in a world where everyone speaks the same language (not pig Latin). They decide to build a tower that will reach to the sky and set to work on it. Some scholars see this a metaphor for Man's increasing wickedness or Man's desire to create as God created. Regardless, God gets pissed and knocks the tower down.

What's weird about this is that God never told them not to build a tower but then punishes them by scattering them all over the earth and giving them all different languages. It's like when you were 4 and you tried to eat your hamster. Your parents screamed and screamed but it wasn't your fault - they never said, "Don't eat your hamster."

More boring genealogies bring us to Abram, who God sends (with his wife Sarai) to Egypt. There, Abram fears the Egyptians will kill him to get at his wife, who is apparently a choice piece of ass. To save his own wimpy skin, he orders her to pretend to be his sister. Of course the pharaoh wants him some hot nomad booty so he asks Abram for his "sister" and Abram complies, getting buttloads of slaves and livestock out of his little trade. I tell ya, these modern preachers and prophets haven’t got shit on Ahram. If they really knew how to talk to God, they’d be knee deep in poontang and cows.

God sends plagues upon the pharaoh for sleeping with another man's wife and the pharaoh tells Abram "take your skanky ho sister/wife outta here, you lying fuckmeat!"

Eventually, unable to have children, Sarai tells Abram to sleep with her servant, Hagar who becomes pregnant. Sarai then turns around and gets angry with Abram for this and beats Hagar senseless until she runs away. Good times.

God sends a messenger to Hagar and tells her that she should go back and put up with the abuse. In return, He will give her innumerable descendants. Doesn't sound like a very good incentive to me, but she fell for it, twit that was. So, back she goes - the little masochist - and Ishmael is born.

Here comes more weirdness: God changes Abram's name to Abraham, tells him to cut off part of his johnson with a rock and somehow this is going to give rise to a new nation. Perhaps I’m a bit on the cynical side, but this God person is getting more than a tad silly.

God also changes Sarai to Sarah. It's like John Cougar Mellencamp and his taxonomical morphology. Sarah, though previously barren as the Gobi, is made by God to give birth to Isaac. We’re not informed as to why God didn’t consider this option before sicking Abraham on Hagar and forcing her to deal with the abuse. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

Here's the part I like: When Sarah hears that she will bear a child at her old age, she laughs. God asks why she laughed at Him and she claims, "I didn't laugh" to which Abraham replies, "Yes, you did." serving not only as the hilarious ending to Genesis 18 but also as the first recorded account of "He said She said."

Now, on to the really exciting poop.

God is getting a lot of complaints about Sodom and Gomorrah so he decides to investigate to see just how nasty these places are. He tells Abraham that He is considering destroying the towns and Abraham pulls a Bugs Bunny on Him: "Suppose there are fifty good people in the city?" he asks, to which God replies that He would spare the city in that case. Abraham asks, "What if there are 45?" and God insists that He would spare the city should there be 45 good people. This continues in typical Looney Toon fashion until Abraham has talked God down to one good person and he sets out to find this yank so as to spare it.

God sends two angels to meet Lot, Abraham's nephew. Lot takes them in and cooks for them like the subservient little bitch he is. The rest of the town surrounds the house and demands that Lot send out the angels because angels are hot and they all want to fuck the aforementioned angels. Lot tells them all to leave the blasted angels alone but offers them his virgin daughters as a replacement. Yeah, that's really nice of him. Thanks, Dad.

The angels have seen enough and they destroy the place.

BOOM!

Next we get the fun little tale of Abraham and his son Isaac, in which God plays yet another practical joke. God orders Abraham to kill his son and right when he is about to do it, God says, "Fooled you! Kill a ram instead! Tee hee!"

Next, we have Jacob's children. Oh, just go see "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" for this story. The basic moral is that if you have a magic coat, you can get in good with kings. Heh.

That's more or less the whole thing. It's one of the most readable books of the Bible and the source of hundreds of misconceptions. Regardless, it makes pretty good literature and has some great stories in it, sans the insipid genealogies.

I’m going to go talk to God and see if I can get me some slaves and/or cows.