I become so restless in the dark. Your arms wrapped tightly to my flesh but still I turn and toss, sleepless. I can't wait for the new day, for fresher beginnings. So for now I will remain restless in the dark, knowing perfectly well that only your hands could keep me this sane.
1:59 am - I will: I will not: You can: You can not:
Next month Skip will finish my tattoo. This week I will change my hair color for the umth-time. Tomorrow I will work a 10+ hour day. Next week I will recieve a new piercing. Tonight I will snuggle up with a red headed boy who is better then everyone else in existance. Everyday, I will let my friends and family know how much they mean to me.
Tomorrow I will not get to work on-time. Tonight I will not neglect to turn off the lights.
I can forgive. I can't ever trust you: You can talk shit to my friends, and those you claim to value, you can steal, you can lie, you can cheat and justify it. You can blame and assume that you are a worth being, you can argue that you are better. You can ignore all the wrong that you have done so don't expect me to play dead just because you're flashing a smile, it was that same flash that blinded and stung. You can try to use words to justify your means but in the end you can't admit that you're a coward. And I can say it because I'm not afraid. I didn't loose anything in the first place so why should I feel sad now. And there will be others to stand up as well. And I think that you can feel that much coming. This month and for the rest of this lifetime I will not play nice with you.
Pandas and Squishies I love you, I owe you more than you know.
St. Patty's day was amazing! I really wish that I had pictures... alas, I had no camera and besides sally and I would have surely lost it. We played chicken with a train down town that night too. I was less than a foot away and it felt like I was flying because of all the vibrations/wind.
Parents came this weekend as well, and they really like the place... Hell! I REALLY like my place too. Its looking pretty snazzy!
Jess's hand was going to die yesterday but kyle and I saved it after we were done torturing it with alcohol and peroxide. Bahahahahahaha! But now she's ok which is great because I'm growing fond of those kids. <3
Tonight at work, I saved a tiny bird that torpedoed into the main windows, it almost snapped its poor little-bird-neck. But then steven and I nursed it back to health and it sat on my shoulder until we took it to the woods across the street for freedom. The weirdest part was that it was a wild bird but had no problem nesting on me. It was sweet, and on the way back I found a dollar in the street. Steven said it best... "thats karma if I've ever seen it!"
The apartment is nearly complete now and I can say that I'm proud of how everything has come together, when Dustin comes back I think a dinner party is in order. :)
current mood: giggly current music: planet of the apes!
1:27 am - Our lives are more and more like parallel lines.... lol
Currently I have no internet connection, but I steal some from time to time. Anyways, change is in the air conditioner, or something profound like that. Use those digits if you want my attention because I have been working xtra hard.
I am finding the questions to all my swallowed questions in the strangest of places, and LOVING IT!
10:29 pm - Pack our bags and get away, they're catching on to us.
Its interesting, possibly even comical to witness these events in Action. Passing. Destruction. Life.
September was promising, November was horrible, December and christmas were worse, January was heartbreaking, February...well, it seems all is in its proper place. Infact, everything that has been terribly disheveled in the passing months is finally beginning to settle itself into a cozy, quiet corner with a warm cup of coco in hand. Monday brings great things and I have never been so excited to greet the most exiled day of the week. Even though my body is not traveling far from its starting point, my destination will be beautiful in all of its wonderment and new-found passage. I can not translate these feelings into words because there are no words that could ever accurately describe this movement, this release of chains, this release of fear from my limbs and soul.
I'm as free as a bird now.
Our time is almost, our time is almost here.
Goodnight baby, just you wait until tomorrow. xoxoxoxoxoxox
current mood: enthralled current music: burn this city and go!
11:59 pm - Some people are so passive aggressive that its funny.
I also believe that secrecy, standoffishness and fickleness are just synonyms for cowardice. One should never be afraid to express honesty towards a situation, regardless of other's reactions.
The only exception I find is in secrecy as a strategy, in which case it is typically prolonged cowardice. Or a damned good surprise party.
(words of wisdom to fall on deaf ears) ~ Credit to a name, not a man that I know.
last night was amazing. Drayton, Jess, Sean, you're amazing. Jamie (?) amazing.
And I love the fact that we didn't even get started till 2am and I had to leave my car at the gate. I just remembered how much fun it is to 2-step, laugh, drink, be merry, and sleep all afternoon. Best sleep ever. Play me some OUTLAW MUSIC because I'm as free as a bird now!
I have a place to live, a place that will be all my own to share with the sweetest person I have ever known; Kyle. A lease all my own, but bills all my own as well. A couch of my own, dishes of my own, walls of my own, but most importantly a place to live and dwell and laugh and love and create a tiny HOPE-full glint of something that I/WE may come to adore and affectionately call home. There will be no more fighting, no more yelling, no more upsets from here on out. I'm going to try harder than before, I will be better. I will not let others control my decisions or actions any longer. I have greater plans, excluding all of the bullshit that has taken place, I will not claim that I have recovered, I will work beyond it.
8:16 pm - Getting past dancing, drinks, and hangovers...
I know that many things spouted from my mouth, but the words were what counted most. Mother, I love you so. And I'm so confused about uncountable items. Everything that I said may not have been audible or even made any sense to those there, but it was all the truth. The pain, the hate, and the unknown that was escaping from my body. I tried to scream it all out, I tried to punch and kick it out, and I'm ashamed that I let myself get to the point in which my memory road backseat. In a way, I'm glad it happened because I was about to explode. There comes a time when people just refuse to listen even when you're trying so desperately to converse with them. I was screaming for freedom, for release. I was screaming so someone would truly hear me for the first time in this entirety of life.
Thank you Dustin, I would have walked in front of a car that night, but you didn't let me.
All important things can be done in person. Anything that needs to be said can be said in person. I started packing my things tonight. Getting everything together and crossing my fingers because Kyle and I have realized that this is about the time when something truly horrible, I'm talking just plain aweful happens, and it can't... because if it does, that's it we're both fucked. I will probably have to drop out of school...and move back in with him and he could loose his job because all this time he has given them notice, and they found a replacement. Almost everything in, or even out of our price range is booked till April or June. But for now, my fingers are crossed as far as living situations I have one last hope. Draytons right, people stay at a 4,5,or 6. Beyond that friendships crumble and life becomes suffocating. I put all my trust in something and I get something like this. So no offense people,but from now on you're going to stay at a 4,5, or 6. This is my future, this is my life. One of the main reasons that I came here in the first place was because we had a plan. I applied to USF too and was accepted back then, I should have stayed, but I went against it all and now I have nothing to show for myself. I don't think that people understand that I never used to be this unhappy all the time, I was a much better worker too. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be like this right now if I had just gone with my first arrangement at that time, but it would of been a hell of alot less likely to happen this way. So I will reserve a 10 for the only person in the world that I trust my life to.
Love, me (however that doesn't mean that I wouldn't risk my life for you)
EDIT: Hate me if it helps you feel better honey, but I still love you in an angry sort of way.
The beatings on my door matches that of the incessant pounding in my head. I'm moving soon. At least one thing is for sure, I will have to relocate. Am I happy? No. Am I satisfied? No. Am I scared? You bet your ass I am. Am I going to run away? No, but there will be some major changes for myself as well as those around me.
Everyone pretends that they have it all figured out, they hold their noses high in the sky but miss everything important that is happening around and "below" them. Stop trying so hard, you're not going to fool me anymore. Distortion has become such an everyday part of life these days that sometimes you can't tell when you're about to drive over the edge. What's the point in pretending!? People don't change, they just get pushed around and think that they're the ones that are creating all the action. Prove it! If you're going to claim to do anything at all in life than do it. Don't just make excuses the entire time whining about how things have been so unfair to you or that you're luck has run out. And those of who sit around all day are just as bad, get over yourself because no one cares.
I don't presume that I'm ahead or above anyone else, I will be the first one to admit that most times, I have no clue what is going to happen. But I refused to be tossed around like a fucking rag doll! I know what I want to do, now it has just become a matter of getting there and I will do it with friends or without them because frankly, I'm tired of people assuming they can replace me, one-up me, or get the best of me. I am not scared to be alone anymore. I'm not scared to start over and I'm not scared to say goodbye. Keep doubting me, go ahead keep being cynical, because there's nothing better then getting back up everytime laughing just to say "is that the best you can do?"
I'm not going to change who I am just because you want me to. I'm not going to change my ideals, hopes, dreams, attitude just to fit your picture perfect cut-out. I mix things up for myself, because I see fit to do it when I wish to. I'm going to find the words on the roof of my mouth. I'm going to play my music even louder and listen harder than before, and I'm not going to miss it this time. If the train comes barreling down those tracks again, I will stand firm. Take courage in one hand and a hand in the other!
Make incisions with your convictions! And if you mean it deep down inside, you wouldn't be so scared to put yourself on that chopping block. I can't respect those that do things just for the hell of it, there is no feeling, which translates to meaninglessness. Keep fucking for the sake of doing it, keep telling yourself that they mean something, anything. Tell yourself that you will be a better person in the morning...
Baby, our time is almost here.
current mood: awake current music: Coating of arms
Kyle, I know that I could never live without you... I just need to get a fucking grip on things and stop fucking crying so much. And part of it is I'm tired, I haven't slept in what feels like months. I keep thinking of mom, dad, ohio, orlando, moniqua, joel, school, death, money, work, change, life. Honesty.
Once I calm myself down I know things will be better, when you are here with me things will be better. I have come to realize in these passing days that I have been secretly angry that you have not been here to support me. Phone calls just aren't cutting it anymore, and I need you here now, or I need to be there with you. I was confused and still am concerning several things but I must keep going. I have to build and continue on. I must.
Someone's testing me... but my abilities are becoming endless. Shouldn't I feel better now? I know that I should, but I really don't. God there are a ton of "I"s in this thing. Yes, at this moment, the world does revolve around me...
Well thats it, I'm letting go and I'm just going to do what feels natural from now on. There has been way too much tip-toeing around and the tone has become much to serious. I cna't bare it anymore. Laughing is in order. Loving is in order. Accepting myself has become the key to progression. These past few months have sucked...not once have I felt one bit of peace.
Kyle, you give me hope and comfort, so maybe I'm just being stupid and freaking out too much because no matter how many times I tell you that I can feel us growing apart, I can not picture my life without me sleeping on your pillow.
Talking is good. For me, crying is good. Wising up is better. Coming to an answer is best. Work will be a pain in the ass tomorrow, but then I get to go home. Baby im coming to see you, mom i'm going to hug you tighter.
"Home" now that is a funny word... I don't really believe that I have a home. There are places that I have lived, places where I feel comfortable. But "home" a REAL home... I'm still looking.
Multiple spelling error and such in this one girl, but who cares its 6 o'clock in the fucking morning. No one speaks profoundly at 6am. Even plato had his set-backs.
Yes, can't you tell, my ego is growing! hehehe.
OK! I feel better now. Time to get down and snuggly with my pillows.
i remember now why i used to post here everyday... to see my thoughts, to clear my mind, to remind myself that i still have so far to go and how much i have traveled to get where i am. Not for anyone's entertainment, but for me. if i can put it out in the open like this, i know that i am strong enough to overcome it. i remain strong in my convictions but more than that; I REMAIN.
I finally get to go to sleep, homework is worse than 2 bitches in a bitch boat. Today will be increadible long and tiring, but worth the struggle.
Goodnight <3
current mood: calm current music: crazy family upstairs- they have a bird
Thank you guys for the ramon, the entertainment, the movie, and singing MR with me. Hehehe you made my night much more worth while and I still haven't finished my autobiography. Thanks for listening and the bullshit. No more "hey dude" - ing it, I will get you booze anytime.
Hehe, I smell like smoke right now too. Gee just what I always wanted.
Joel drinks out of a pickle jar. It's sitting right in front of me. Its slightly distracting at the moment. I understand, such choices that came about these passing days. I felt it hanging in the air the whole time. Some how I just knew and I'm sorry I really am. And Im sorry for inappropriate confusions. Why can't we just talk to one another any more? Stupid paper and pens, not to mention electronics should not become predominate in such things. But how to start, what to say, how to be honest? Don't worry.
I talked with Kyle for a long time today...plans have just changed...yet again and will require some re-evaluation. Things will be ok eventually. For everyone.
Our search has just yet begun.
No matter what is said, no matter what is done, or what goes on in these uncertain times, I love you all so much that it hurts. But now it is time for me to focus on THE one that does not.
(I've told you a million times I love you, but it just doesn't do you justice.) Baby I have put you on the back-burner for much to long. You know that I love you, and I mean it. But greater than myself, there is you. You have loved me despite all the evils I have caused, the bridges that I have burned. You loved me when my loyalty faltered. Your eyes have never been angry with mine, your hands are never brash, your words are of... the purest, honest simplicity. You have given me anything that I have ever asked for. You have held my hand this whole time and I have been so unfair to you. It's time for me to start forgiving and giving back to you, to us. To something greater than words and theatrics. Something real. Something that suppresses hunger, hate, lust, life, change. Kyle, you're my hero. You are my past, present, and we are the future.
All I wanted to do this day, this week, this month, this year, this lifetime was to spend wonderful times with those that I call friends/love/family. That's it. Just to be in the same room, breathing the same air. Laughing at the same old tired out tv show. Moving our feet to our favorite tune... Arguing about who used the last scrap of toilet paper. Getting that phone call, celebrating that birthday, holding hair back, wiping tears, throwing punches, being there not just for the good but also the terrible. Being held up and then turning around the next week and picking someone else up off the ground. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not worth it. That I don't deserve those things. I'm not pretty enough, fun enough, drink enough, joke enough, serious enough, hyper enough, rich enough, smart enough, talented enough, "it" enough... but what it comes down to is that I'm just not good enough.
I'm so tired of being the last one picked to play kickball. It's not just tonight, its been so many other things and I'm so tired, so very tired, I can't stand in this line anymore being scrutinized and picked apart with this plastered smile, and false hope that I might actually be able to play with the team someday. Quicker and more often than before, I'm loosing faith.
I have thought of so many others before myself, and sacrificed more than ANYONE will ever know for friendships, but I'm done, I'm spent. I feel like shit right now, and I felt it coming while I was driving on my way home. It hurts so much to know that I can think of someone or something all day long and I won't even be granted a common courtesy. I'm done. I feel so sick right now. You may not know it, but you've been killing me this whole time. This whole time. Just the fact that I am so easily replaced and forgotten has murdered me in these moments, I have tried so hard to be good, to be smart, to be pretty, to be anything, to be something. To be fucking happy with second best!
Sorries don't make things right, when their on automatic honey. You couldn't make me feel any worse right now if you tried. I was handling today so well... I don't know who my friends are, I don't know whats happening, I don't know who this "me" is or who this "you" is. I'm not sure which way is up right now, and I could have really used some fucking help!
But... I do know that I would rather drown than swim in this sea of sharks. I'm not angry because I was stupid enough to expect that this ocean would be any different than the others. Baby I'm done.
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cinnamonspider9's journal
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