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Congrats Joanna Quirante and Paola Young. Go St. Scho Marikina! Wahaha.
being happy is such a subjective emotion that one has to be aware of the implications of saying "you are happy" before you actually say it. in today's world, you might be happy on one facet of your life and be really crappy in the next. for example, i am happy that i have a new car. i am happy that some actually does care for me. i am happy that my phone is now fixed. i am happy that i am nearly at the point where i am done with school...until i choose to pursue graduate studies, of course. haha. i am happy that manny pacquaio won today (well, sort of). i am happy that tracy mcgrady is finally getting respect for the accomplishments his team is having despite losing yao ming for the past few games. (go t-mac...woohoo) i am happy that i actually know how to play tennis because as i have learned in the past few minutes, it's actually going to help me a bit. i am happy that my parents are who they are because they are the perfect people to help curb my incessantly stubborn and frankly speaking, troublesome personality. i am happy...well, sort of. little do most people know, i am in one of the most umm...turbid times in my life. i can actually pick apart my life piece by piece and find little more than a speck of happiness in these past two months. spiralling out of control is an understatement...think of if as an ELE...extinction level event...
but, i have found rudders to steer me through the churning waters...friends who i had no idea would take me in, flaws and everything, and just let me be me...and of course, make me realize there is more to life than one person breaking everything into parts, rather, it is about the people who will still be there helping you arrange the pieces together again. if you only could see how much i have grown because of past events, i would actually think i was a better person...i'm not...i just have good friends who make me be that better person. and that makes all the difference.
happiness...or lack of it maybe?
hell yeah...but at least i have people who will stand by me in the end. 
turning 21 was not all that i hyped it up to be...was it the sorry fact that i was expecting a lot from people who promised to "always be there?" or was it because i have managed to alienate everyone in my life once i turn the corner? honestly...if that was all birthdays are meant to be, then, well, i'll take it because i wouldn't have had it any other way.
let's take a look at it in this perspective...in my 20th year of living, i've managed to burn down to the ground all the things i have always worked hard to achieve...i sucked when i was given the chance to play basketball in a varsity team, i blew my chance in the pageant, i wrecked two cars, and i'm barely hanging on for dear life in my classes...so seriously, what else do i have to look forward to in my 21st year, albeit, my 1st year as a full fledged adult?
EVERYTHING...
you see, what i burned down, or at least didn't do intentionally, i didn't need...in the past few days, i've come to realize a loit of things and most of them though trivial and unsettling, i had to accept in order for me to come to terms with the person i have become. i have always talked about what i am and how i've badly messed up my life to where it is right now. but, if i wasn't the person i am right now, i wouldn't have had a lot of those fun experiences i've had and still have right now...i wouldn't have met my friends who i'm pretty sure have been fed up with my immaturity but are still always there when i need them...i wouldn't have been part of the nursing journal if it had not been for my umm..."work ethic" as they would so kindly put it...haha...i wouldn't have been the overall "nice person" that i am if it had not been for all the shitty circumstances that taught me to be wel, to put it simply, nicer. haha.
my mom put it best into words when she said to me, cid, you're 21 now, don't try to act like an adult anymore...because you are one already. funny how all things just seem to go full circle....haha.
so, in my 21 years of living on this earth, i've come to terms with a lot of things...and with that, i look forward to a couple of years more to go before i can truly say i'm actually come to terms with myself...
but hey, we've all got to start somewhere, right? hehe.
ciao!
- dearest lord, grant me the grace, wisdom, and serenity to accept the things i cannot change
truly, it seemed like a lifetime since the start of the year 2007...i was always one to believe that the events that take place within 12 months ultimately can make or break a person...heck, even the events that take place in a single day within those 365 days can already change the course of one's path and it has not been any different for me as well...you see, this year was a blast for me...i was honestly able to do things that i never really imagined i'd be doing in a lifetime...and yet it all dropped into my lap in the year 2007...
the year started when i was still back in third year and it was a good third year to be exact...i was in the second sem and although my grades weren't necessarilly "noteworthy," it was okay because i had nothing that could actually go wrong...the summer was not much different, just one happy moment after the other...if anyone needs refreshing, see the pic folder that was labeled pangasinan...haha...yup, that was one heck of a summer and spending it with the people who mattered to me is one of the added perks to it...well, the summer was a blur and although i couldn't put into words how happy i was during those few months, i'd go out on a limb and call it the best time in my life...that and i had to make the most out of it because this coming summer would be spent in the classrooms focusing on my boards, and it was additional pressure to enjoy my last official summer.
then, fourth year rolled into my life...and the happiness that i had from the past year and summer carried over into the first sem. yeah, the subjects shifted into overdrive because honestly, i was having a hard time to cope with the subjects...and strangely, despite the hectic schedule that was presented to me, i made up my mind that i would join the biggest frustration that i had in my life...BASKETBALL VARSITY. haha...seriously, anybody who really knows me has an idea how badly i've always wanted to be in a basketball team...as in BADLY...haha. anyway, i tried out and i had to wait for a few weeks whether or not i got in. meanwhile...studies became really hard to the point that i was nearly flunking my n-105 research class...research...seriously...i mean in that class, all i had to do was read and memorize but of course me being the ultimate procrastinator, never really put that much time into reading and of course, we all know how that turns out for me...haha. somewhere around this time, my relationship was also going great but there were beginning arguments that came into play and of course, that doesn't put any help whatsoever in my already fragile life. then, i had the opportunity also to become a writer in our school paper. it's been a long standing thing for me to write but i never really had that much opportunities to put my writing into good use...a friend of mine persuaded me to try out and just apply since at least i had company naman if ever i got in or not...but i got in...and not just a writer, i was named FEATURES EDITOR...me, an editor...haha...seriously, in our first meeting, i found out that in my group, i was the one with the LEAST experience in matters like this...so yun, it was funny but i managed to get through with it. our first issue was pretty good if i may say so myself...i even have a copy of my very first issue with me at the features helm. haha.
meanwhile, back in the co-curricular front, things were looking great for me and my basketball thing...i tried with all that i had to do my best and of course, i was rewarded for my determination by being included in the final roster of the nursing men's varsity basketball team. haha. talk about living the dream...i was happy, and a lot of it was because of me attaining all that i had dreamed of having...but that was just the beginning...
nursing week was drawing close and of course, in every nursing week, there was the search for the next thomasian nursing personality. there was a pre-pageant scheduled where all the aspirants tried their luck in getting into the final thing...i thought to myself that since it was my last year, why not try again just for the heck of it...since a professor of mine had already placed that nagging thought in the back of my mind, why not go through with it and see what happens...haha...and as history would so subtly remind me, never tempt fate with something out of the blue...and by that i mean i knew i was never going to forget this...lo and behold, i wouldn't be able to because i got in...haha...imagine that...cid raval in a pageant...great...now hell should freeze over by now...haha. anyway, i had to juggle the pageant with my grades, basketball training, and almost every other thing that had me preoccupied at the moment...and of course, this brought me to that one single cataclysmic event that shook me down to the very depths of my soul...
my girlfriend broke up with me...
that's when everything in my life started to unravel...slowly but surely, i lost almost everything i had worked so hard to build and attain for the better part of a year...basketball was a bit thrown into the winds because i badly sprained my ankle and i never really regained whatever grain of good form i had prior to my fall...the pageant was a so so thing but i guess i can never really whine about it that much since the part where i really exerted all my effort was in the talent portion where i basically nearly screwed up the performance of me and my partner...then i wrecked my laptop due to my procrastination...then i wrecked my car in a dramatic fashion where i of course cost my RLE group points because it was our protocol reporting that day and i wasn't able to deliver my entire report...then i jumped back and forth from emotion to emotion that relegated me to a state of psycological flux meaning that for the past few months, i have not been as stable as people may have thought i was...whatever personality i had or face that i put up in these past few months has been somewhat of a fail safe for me because if not for it, i would have actually have done things i most probably would regret doing...
so to put it simply, i started the year great and ended it so bad i don't know how to pick myself up in time for the new year...heck, even this blog entry was swirling in my thoughts yet the only time i could manage to finish it is 2 days AFTER the new year...sad isn't it...
well, as i bid goodbye to the year 2007 and walk through the door into 2008, i find myself unsure of a lot of things...yet for some strange reason, all of those "things" doesn't compare to that one single...i can't say thing because that would actually quantify this as a superficial thing...but you get the idea...i'm working hard to fix and prepare myself for the next 365 days because as i have experienced, 365 days is enough to build you up and tear you down...
*this was supposed to be my article for the recently released issue of the Nursing Journal Newsette...haha...i really had fun writing this article and although i was a bit disappointed this didn't make the issue, i think i did a pretty good job giving a different take on the holidays...sorry for thos who are looking for feel good stories from me but you're not going to get one...this year has been very hard on me and i know it's mostly my fault but honestly, is there anything i haven't experienced this past year? broken gadgets, getting hurt, accidents, varsity blues, pageant nights, etc. anyway, i hope you like the article...haha. - cid
Why the Grinch Stole X’mas (And New Year)
25 Reasons to Hate the Holidays
By Cesar David Raval
We’re in the last part of the year already…and what this means is that the Holidays are fast approaching. Nursing Week has come and gone, the “-Ber” months have been upon us for the past few umm…months, the days are getting shorter, the nights getting considerably longer and colder…all telling signs of the end of the year being just around the corner. Walk around the malls and as you begin to do your last minute shopping, you’d notice the all-too-familiar sounds of Christmas carols proclaiming that it’s Christmas time in the city. You begin to hear people talking incessantly about their vacation plans and more often than not, these would be any of the following: going home to each one’s own province, staying at home, and for those with more cash to burn than others, going out of the country to experience the Christmas traditions of foreign countries. Now, this is all well and good but do you ever stop and think about the things you have come to dislike about the holidays? Do you ever realize that with all the warm and fuzzy feelings that the Ho-Ho-Ho season elicits from us, the holidays are not as simple as before? Think about it…for all its grandeur and actual solemnity, it has been commercialized and turned into a time where money and gifts have been the talk of the town. Simply put, X’mas and New Year aren’t as plain and simple as it was a long, long time ago. So, with some input from trusted sources who have actually come to enjoy and love the yuletide season, I count down the top 25 reasons to pray that the holidays end sooner rather than later.
25) Clothes / Gifts that don’t exactly fit
Honestly, there can be no worse gift than this…maybe. Imagine yourself happily unwrapping a present given to you on Christmas Eve. You’re excited and thrilled that you have a gift meaning you avoid the dreaded “clean sweep.” Once the wrapper is torn off and all on the floor, you find this wonderful shirt/top/blouse that you’ve seen once and now it was given to you by your beloved aunt. Then, the moment you try it on, you realize your aunt made a critical mistake: she didn’t ask for your size. So now, you’re left with a dilemma: either you try to wear it, or you don’t. Sucks that such a good article of clothing would go to waste but honestly, it’s not your fault…and that makes it all the more sucky in the first place.
24) People bragging about their Resolutions knowing full well they’d probably break them within the next few months
We’ve always been told to make New Year’s Resolutions…which are of course attempts on our parent’s behalf to try to change some of the undesirable stuff they see in us. Some are easy to do…unless you actually go for the lofty aspirations like being able to get into
23) Not getting gifts…at all (the “clean sweep”)
Honestly, nothing predisposes one person to actually dislike Christmas more than this…I mean seriously…nothing at all?! How can you not feel a tinsy-bit pissed that you actually do not have ANY gift…not one?! Yeah, you could contend that it’s the spirit of Christmas that matters, or that it’s just a thing and that people get things on different occasions of the year. But honestly, in this highly commercialized and capitalist world, not getting anything is almost synonymous to not being noticed by anyone. And that feeling really, really leaves a bad taste in my mouth…which brings me to my next reason…
22) Stingy Relatives
How stingy can you get when you actually disappear during the holidays? You must actually have Scrooge-like qualities to be able to ditch gift-giving at this time of the year same as those people who give…
21) Reused gifts
Okay, so it’s not as bad as you might actually think because we’ve all been guilty of this at one point in our lives anyway. I’m no hypocrite…I’ve done this countless times…but I try to stop doing that because it defeats the purpose of giving a gift. We’re supposed to give based on our intention to give a gift, not just to be able to give a gift for the sake of display. You’d think giving reused gifts was a bad reason but not unless you actually have the next reason would you dislike the holidays until you’ve actually met the next one.
20) Disappearing ninongs/ninangs
I rated this worse than stingy relatives and reused gifts because in our culture, nothing says Christmas sucks than those who are customarily obliged to give something during the holidays. Do you feel bad at all when you know that your inaanaks don’t get anything from you at all? And how old are your godchildren, 20? So 20 years and they don’t even know you existed…great.
19) Tiring vacations
As I surveyed a few people, this interesting item came up. Did you ever feel like you needed a vacation from your vacation? We in the
18) Plans that don’t push through
This is especially hateful when you have special plans already in place and they have to be scrapped for your parents’ plans…and then they don’t push through. So annoying…
17) Smoke from fireworks
Especially for asthmatics and those with allergic reactions to smoke, New Year becomes something not really enjoyed…and for those who just hate the smoke, well, it turns out to be an arduous task to get through the night without having to cough really hard and get the carbon monoxide out of our systems.
16) Wounds from fireworks
Ouch…enough said.
15) Fireworks
- Not a good combination with small children who just happen to walk by when you try to launch the rocket from the jar
- Look at your hands…you have ten fingers…by the end of the night, because of these little babies, you might not have all of them anymore (then again, more minor cases for the OR…kidding.)
14) Christmas cards…or lack of personalization thereof
Nothing says "I don't really care that much about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far worse is the Christmas newsletter: "Hi, I can't be bothered to write each of you a personal letter, so here's a computer-printed newsletter to brief you on my boring year." Also on the hate-list: cutesy family Christmas cards with the whole family posing on the front; Christmas Create-a-Cards; and Christmas e-mail postcards. And if anyone e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork.
13) Commercialization of Christmas
Why can’t Christmas be the same thing as it was before? Back when gifts weren’t the way to show how much we care about people, when malls were devoid of people who feel that gifts are the way to show people we care, when the crime rate actually wasn’t at its peak during this time. Honestly, I don’t have any problem with gifts…in fact, I love gifts. It’s the fact that people spend too much time focusing on the type of gifts to give and the amount of the gifts that bothers me. There is nothing worse than giving someone a gift that is actually cost-effective in your sight after they give you something that actually costs a fortune to get. (ex. A jar of everyday pick-me-up quotes made by me versus the Need for Speed Most Wanted Black Edition which costs around two thousand plus.)
12) Noise
It’s not just the spiteful talking of people in their high pitched voices speaking as if they weren’t hearing themselves from beside each other. It’s the fact that ASIDE from this, there is the blaring of pointless Christmas carols that already suck to begin with but are given a more modern twist. Honestly, people talking is enough torture…do we have to be hit from behind by horrendous tunes?
11) Coming up with a list of things you want
People have so many things they want that it becomes hard for them to decipher what they want in the end. We could come up with a list today and by the end of the very same week, our entire list would be turned upside down already. And, if we can’t even come up with something for us it becomes harder to…
10) Come up with ideas for presents
If people don’t even know what they want, how can they actually come up with things to get for other people?!
9) Wrapping gifts
If giving gifts and coming up with gifts was a chore, think about the hassle it is to wrap the said gifts up. It is okay if you have time in your hands, you could do it. But when you decide to have the wrapping corner do your gifts and about 50 other people having the same idea as you, well, it becomes worse than the traffic jam at EDSA in a way.
8) Cleaning up after the festivities
Wrappers, dishes, glasses, utensils, soot, smoke, dust, dirt, mud, children’s footprints in the house, bathrooms, kitchen…these are just the few corners in the house that have to be cleaned after the parties. That’s good if you have a helper…what if you don’t…
7) Being alone on the holidays
Honestly, I would have placed this higher on my list because that’s where I am right now…but of course I can’t place this as my own interpretation only, right? All comments aside, the holidays are meant to be shared with our loved ones. But what if, like a friend I know, your entire family is abroad? You have to deal with the fact that sometimes, we can’t always go to them so we have to spend our holidays here, alone. Then of course, it wouldn’t be perfect without that someone in your life…now, I don’t mean to get sentimental here but with the way my life has been going, people keep dropping out of it like flies…and it’s never a good feeling to be devoid of those people especially with the holidays fast approaching. It’s never any fun to hang out in Starbuck’s alone when you’re so used to being there with someone else. It’s not fun to pass by that building along Lacson/Forbes when you know that in it, there’s someone there whom you know dislikes you enough to stay away even if you just wanted to let her know that you miss her so much it actually hurts... (PS. Please talk to me na…=/)
6) Nostalgia
The word is made up of two Greek roots (νόστος = nostos = returning home, and άλγος = algos = pain/longing), to refer to "the pain a sick person feels because he wishes to return to his native land, and fears never to see it again". This neologism was so successful that people forgot its origin. Homesickness is often given as a synonym for nostalgia. This could refer to two things…students who have spent so much time here in Manila that they miss their homes and want to get back there as soon as humanly possible…or those who actually can’t go home because of work or, in our case, duty. There is nothing worse to a person than to spend Christmas in the OR…heck, I spent the celebrations of the UST Men’s Basketball Championship last year in the OR and that felt bad, what more if it was Christmas or god forbid, New Year?
5) Volume of people in the malls
I don’t hate shopping malls in general, but at Christmas time they could conceivably be used as one of Condoleezza's torture camps for Al Qaeda operatives. In fact they probably are. Ten minutes inside one of them, listening to those cheesy, modernized Christmas carols (What the hell is Jingle Bell Rock?) is likely to test the sanity and ardor of even the most hardened fundamentalist Islamic militant.
And of course the crowds add to the horror. You cannot turn right or left without colliding with some frazzled fellow shopper who looks like an extra from "Dawn of the Dead” (I'm sure that metaphor/simile has been used before, but as I said I don't care about cliches). Something about the need to purchase a quota of gifts turns average citizens into mindless, lurching zombies. It's not natural.
4) Traffic
With the advent of technology, cars instantly replaced horse drawn carriages at the turn of the century. And, if you figure in the amount of people I have actually mentioned in the previous article, you have a pretty good idea of how bad traffic gets especially as it draws nearer to the 25th or the 31st. EDSA becomes a massive parking lot, NLEX turns from expressway to no-way at all, SLEX becomes SLow EXpressway, and every other major artery in and out of the city just practically STOPS. Now, if I want to get to
3) Weight gain
You watch your diet the whole year…you are careful enough to not eat a lot during meals and just basically watch what you’re eating…then you are faced with an entire lechon in front of you…you take a bite and it tastes good that you get again…then, after stuffing yourself full with whatever’s on the table, you rest…after 30 minutes, you leave your house and go to the other side of the family you haven’t been to…and then you pig out again out of respect.
This is the ultimate reason why people exercise the whole year…to be able to not gain that much weight AFTER the holidays and feel bad about it…if you do, you exercise the whole year again…and the vicious cycle continues.
2) NO allowance
School days = Allowance…
No School = No Allowance…
Christmas break = No school…
THEREFORE
Christmas break = No Allowance…
Honestly, we students live off the allowance given to us…predictably, once the Christmas season begins, we are threatened by the looming thought of the disappearance of our allowance which of course, is the thing that drives our lives for the past 6 months or so. Much like the economic problems of our country stalls the lives of the common folk, so does the disruption of our steady stream of monetary source stalls our lives...parties, gifts, etc.
1) Expenses
Of course, the top number one reason to hate the holidays is the expenses…honestly, between the amount of gifts you have to buy, the wrapper you need to put your gifts in, the ingredients for the food, gas needed to cook the food, money spent to order food, water used to wash the dishes after meals, drinks, ice, gas spent to go from one place to another, fireworks, hospital expenses if your hands becomes painted with red streaks because of the fireworks, and a whole lot of other stuff I might have forgotten to mention, who know how much you have to set aside for the yuletide season. The color of the season is green and red…green representing the money needed and the red is the blood, sweat and tears needed to get the money in the first place. This is related to the commercialization of the holidays, where people are so focused on the items and not the people who are given the items. The point of the season is to enjoy each other’s company…the gifts and other stuff are just by products of it.
So there you have it…25 reasons I could come up with to hate the season. However, this does not serve as a point to actually come to hate or dislike the holidays, rather, it serves a guide on what NOT to do during Christmas, or a warning to the things that the holidays entails. Don’t buy lavish gifts if all you have in your mind is to show you can give those kinds of gifts. Personally, you could give me an optical mouse and I could care less…but kidding aside, we must focus on the people who have actually made our year special. Kiss and hug your parents, laugh it up with your friends, share a hug with your special people. But do it with love in your hearts and only good thoughts in your head. Remember, Christmas and New Year only comes once every 365 days, 6 hours, 9 minutes, and 9 seconds. Make it count.
I need your arms around me
I’m afraid I’m losing you
You won’t let go of worries
And I don’t know what to do.
All I know is when I’m laying
In my bed alone at night
Is that I want to save our love
And I can’t give up this fight.
Maybe we were wrong
With some choices we have made
But I never thought we’d lose it all
And now I’m so afraid.
Won’t you reach your hand out to me
Pick me up from off my knees
Take the hurting from inside me
And end my heartfelt pleas
There are times I feel so lonely
My heart thrown into despair
But I pray if I keep trying,
This love can be repaired.
Everytime I think about you
My hands begin to shake,
For my entire world is balanced
On the decision that you make.
I’m losing all my hope
As time is passing by
I can’t call you, I can’t see you
So all I do is cry.
This is tearing me to pieces
I can’t even clear my head
You are all that I can think of
I just pray your love’s not dead.
Please take this space between us
And bring it to an end,
Come back and be my everything,
My love, and my best friend.
"If Only"
What's the way of love?
Tell me your fiction
Tell me your lies
Say to me now, you'll never forget this night
I'm feeling emotionless
My head's so clear
My enemies aren't, the one I fear
You know your kiss confuses
This troubling soul
And I found out
That we're all breaking hearts
That we're all broken hearts
[CHORUS:]
If only love could find us all
If only hearts didn't have to fall
We can't mislead to make things right
So instead we'll sleep alone tonight
What's the way of love?
You are thinking I'm crazy
But you're blushing of lust
I've heard a lot of nice things,
but tell me which ones I'm to trust?
These walls we made are glass
And they have been known to crack
But until then
You'll keep pushing my way
And I'll keep pushing you away
[CHORUS]
If you want to take a chance
And try to make things right
You better have a reason to be loved
We all want something more
And it is worth fighting for...
[CHORUS]
And if somehow fate were in my hands
Would it be enough to understand
Why we feel lost in a world so small
If only love could find find us all...
----------------------------------------
i was just moved by the lyrics...and it also has such a catchy tune that i actually managed to play my guitar along with it once i found the right chords. (and add to the fact that the song isn't that high so i can actually sing along with it. hehe.) anyway, it talks about how important love is in the lives of almost everyone in the world...makes me wonder if i have managed to find the right one in my life that i could spend the rest of my life with...i hope it is because believe me, finding it is so god-damned hard...hehe...
Sad, isn't it?
But frankly speaking, it is really true. No matter how hard we try to fight it, it just always stays as it is...that people always leave.
There are things in my life that most people don't know about me. Yeah, the part of myself that always seems to take everything in stride (or at least i think i do) is commonplace to the people around me. They are all used to the smiling, mischievous, and downright neurotic (and a big egocentric) Cid. Few people have really known me, and when i say few, i mean it. You see, for all the times that i've ever had a connection with someone, i find myself holding back, literally not trying at all to show who i really am to that person simply because of the three words you see pasted as the title to this blog. What is it in people that just makes them leave? In my experience, there are times when people leave because of certain geographical situations that will not enable them to stay here any longer. For example, my cousins who are living in the US left us when i was still around 2 years old. There were pictures, of course, to remind me of how they looked then and some pictures they sent on how they look now. Though it sucks that they have to leave, it is perfectly understandable since their father (my uncle) sought a better life for them. I'm not taking anything away from my family who still resides here or any other family for that matter, but seriously, we can't find a fault in the logic of a father just trying to give the best possible future for his kids.
Then, there are the people who leave because it is the next step in their lives. I'm talking about the people who leave, not physically as moving from one place to another, but the psychological and emotional journey to maturity that we all are supposed to take. To make this clearer, the point that married men are supposed to be attending to their families as opposed to having fun in a bar is a very prevalent example today. Yes, sometimes that work gets in the way of families but the problem is that some people tend to stay in a certain level of humanity that is most definitely in the past. Those people who are career driven are examples of these and we all know that work is only the means for a person to live, and not his entire life.
Of course, how can i forget this, the people who leave because of things that they believe we will never understand. How many times have people said that the reason for leaving was "It's not you, it's me." It's like saying hello and hi all the time, the word has used to make up for things we dare not explain and ultimately, cannot even admit to ourselves. I am guilty of this at one point in my life, naturally seeking something else to explain why i was going to leave yet in reality, it was just something that i could pin my belief in and someday, i might really take it into my heart that it was the reason for it all. Honestly, it's a load of crap. Do you really think you are doing that person a favor by leaving without saying a word? It sucks that i can attest to both sides of the argument but i just tell it as it is. imagine a person telling you that he/she left because of pressure from a certain side, or that the person cannot just stand being your friend, it's total crap! You get to be able to live on without a worry that the other person might be tortured into oblivion by a million what ifs and you can't even give them the benefit of a serious explanation? It would be like telling a person that he/she is your friend but that you have to leave them if things go out of hand. Oh, but they still will be your friend...eventually. How f***ed up is that?
I payed my dues already, and i live with the consequences of my actions. I tried to make amends for everything i did and thought i know it will never be enough, the simple fact that i tried made all the difference.
What about you? 
The year 2006 has brought a mixed feeling to me. Through the past 12 months, i have experienced a multitude of emotions that would certainly be comparable to a roller coaster ride. There were a lot of ups...certainly a lot of downs as well. But frankly speaking, each circumstance that I’ve been in has changed me in ways that i could not have expected at all. There were times when i had to stand against almost everyone in my life for something that i desperately sought to defend only to have that very ideal of mine crushed by the persons i once stood by. I had to brave really bad grades and scrape through regardless of all possible distractions that (although entirely my fault) have hampered my attention since god-knows-when. then, to cap it all off, there's the nagging feeling that i have something to prove to nearly everyone around me...my family, friends, classmates, whatever...it all just boils down to one thing...how much I’ve changed and learned from the past year...
January-March: Death and Deceit
at the end of 2005, i was on an emotional high...my grades were picking up, i had the distinct accomplishment of playing better basketball in my entire life (although my skills weren't noticeable that much at the time), and i was nearly 3 months into a relationship that was making me feel like nothing could go wrong...but go wrong it all did...you see, there was this other girl...yup, you probably heard this story all too well now...i met this girl and we started texting since it seemed like she was a really nice girl. she was friendly and sweet, and it didn't take long for me to fall inch by inch since my relationship was getting a bit stagnant due to the lack of expressiveness we both had to each other...so one thing led to another...and i broke my relationship to be with her...yes...to be in all honest exclamation about the said circumstances...i cheated on my girlfriend...there...something i haven't really admitted to myself until recently but still, there it is...i defended my actions because it was what i believed in...that if i had love and that my intentions were true, it wouldn't matter to me if i had to go up against everyone and everything i had...and, it did happen...i had to go up against everyone and everything...to me, i had some sense of accomplishment when everything seemed to die down a bit...then that's when everything unraveled...we didn't know too much of the other...and the time we spent wasn't that long...eventually, she went back to her "friend" seeking solace in the fact that i wasn't as good a person she thought i was...and then, before i knew it, we were done...yeah, i have to admit that at some point, i made mistakes during that time, some that when i look back on it, i knew was wrong, yet there was a certain thing in my mind that i couldn't take away...guess it was the fact that although she said she loved me, that guy would always be in her life...so go figure...i was crushed...no, i died...up to the end of class, my life would be a semi-hell and other comparisons or adjectives you may say...oh well...guess karma does come back around really fast...
April-June: Silence and Contemplation
Time came and went and before I knew it, it was already summer. I spent this time in
July-September: Temptation and Persuasion
School was rolling through, and the grade I was getting was okay…sort of. Well, in reality, the fact that my Pharmacology subject was borderline at the least, it was hell for me that I was in limbo at the time. Aianne and I separated again after 3 months because of things that have not been resolved in my part, and some left over anger on her part. (Perfectly understandable, I might add.) This was the time I was lured to another person, who was as spirited and spunky as my first girlfriend and in reality, just as athletic. She was nice in all respects, even through the frequent times where she drilled at me with her brutal honesty. There was something in that time that made me realize, I was not happy where I was, and although I desperately wanted to be happy where I was, I wasn’t. And of course, it only ended in a debacle for me, and of course, for the nth time, it hurt. But that’s come and gone and I had to go through with life, it sucked, but that’s how we roll. We keep getting up no matter how many times I get knocked down. And it’s this very mentality that kept me moving forward and again, I had to keep moving forward…I just had to.
October-December: Depth and Clarity
As the year winded down, I was faced with questions that bugged me constantly. Where do I go from here? After all the tragedy and circumstance that occurred to me within the year, was there a silver lining that hid behind the clouds? Would there really be a happy ending for me, at least for the last quarter of the year? Well, there was, but I had to look really close to find it. The semestral break cracked down and I was left without anyone, well, anyone special in my life that is. I contemplated my next step, whether to probably look back at everyone and see what life I had to gain by taking one step back, or to just forego every inhibition I had and just move forward without caring about the things that had happened before. But somehow, the times had given me hints on what I should do. I had to change, and not just change in some things, but rather, one major overhaul of every principle and moral that I held close to my heart. So, I just swallowed my pride and went back to the one constant thing that has led me through the year, the one person who was there in my best and, seemingly, worst. Yup, you guessed right, I went back to Aianne. It took just one trip to
There were good times…
And then there were bad times as well…
But you know what…?
2006 was one hell of a year…I wonder what’ll happen this year? Hehe!