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LOLants? [May. 15th, 2008|11:44 pm]

Just because it made me laugh...

This ant walked away with my big toenail...

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...it's all the chemicals they put in the food [May. 15th, 2008|09:07 am]

The Burger King is the lord master of the plasticized undead.

He escaped from one of those BodyWorlds shows.

(In truth, he just walked off one day.
No one stopped him.
The people working there had been driven to
the brink of unutterable madness by all the ...
... staring.
And that smile...)

This whole silent-pitchman-for-fastfood-burgers act? Nothing but a cover for his true plot.

He seeks a queen.

He may have several already.

I've been monitoring the situation. I'll make periodic visits to the drive-through (in case I need to hit the gas and flee) and order the grilled chicken sandwich, the safest item on their menu.

(...it's all the chemicals they put in the food)

I'll make eye contact with whoever's working the drive-through window. Every once in a while it'll be a young girl. Looking at her, you might describe her as "cute," or "pretty." Still pure, still unsullied by life, but with a subtle hint of wariness...

(...it's all the chemicals they put in the food)

...as if she's not yet aware of the unblinking eyes...

... staring ...

On return visits, I'll see her a second time. Maybe a third.

But after that...

No more.

(...it's all the chemicals they put in the food)

Eventually, my return visits to the drive-through window will reveal a new one: cute, pretty, largely blind to the pliable shadows molding themselves around, and into her shape.

There's always a new one.

(...it's all the chemicals they put in the food)

But never for long.

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[May. 14th, 2008|10:29 pm]

Giant beetles seized at Pennsylvania post office

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Customs agents seized more than two dozen giant beetles — some the size of a child's hand — from an overseas package after postal workers heard the insects making scratching noises.

...

Wait -- they were in a package?

Damn! I thought life had turned into a bad 1950s movie there for a sec.

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Sadly, this may mean I'm searching for opportunities to gain weight [May. 14th, 2008|09:45 pm]

HA! I KNEW I wasn't insane when I theorized that employment is a leading cause of obesity...

Survey: 45% of employees have gained weight at work

I'm tellin' ya, it's the free sugar in the break room.

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Amazon book link yoinked from [info]audacian [May. 13th, 2008|09:04 pm]

I never had a reason to imagine Gene Ray and Marissa Marchant getting together to have a love child, until I saw this...

BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!! (Paperback) -- 648 pages, $135.00 (discounted from $150), and make sure to scroll down and check out the product description.

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[May. 12th, 2008|07:26 pm]

We're one step closer to the production of the future Broadway musical...

'SPLODE!

Song made from Call of Duty gun-sounds

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[May. 12th, 2008|07:07 pm]

Paging Dr. Jones: Crystal skull stolen

CLAREMONT, Calif. (AP) — Indiana Jones better get his alibi ready.

A large crystal skull similar to those at the center of the upcoming Harrison Ford movie was recently stolen from a New Age store, puzzling employees in part because of the laid-back nature of shop regulars.

"We have zero shoplifting in here, and I have no idea why anyone would take something as lovely as that," said Persis Newland, owner of Kindred Spirits in Claremont, about 30 miles east of downtown Los Angeles.

The skull, named Solar Ray by owner Don Marr, had been on loan at Kindred Spirits for about four months and went missing about two weeks ago. It had sat on an altar in the store's classroom area and was considered one of the shop's prized objects.

"He was on an altar, and he just enjoyed being here," said employee Kristen Nestor, who supervises the store's weekly crystal-reading classes. "He participated in our classes.

Nestor said she believes the skull is as old as 500 years.

"He likes to travel and things like that," Nestor said.

...

AHA! That's the key. The skull is merely traveling again.

The management of that store should check their mail every day, and expect to receive photos of a cultural tour of the world, featuring the crystal skull wearing the local hats.

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Listening to the news, and... [May. 9th, 2008|01:02 pm]

I swear I'm hearing people pronounce it "MyanMart."

Maybe someone in the media believes that the public will be more sympathetic if they think a disaster hit a shopping center.

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I never thought of this before? [May. 8th, 2008|11:41 pm]

Consider this an advanced warning. Get a head start if you like.

Whoever it was that just merged Iron Man and C3P0 in my head...

I'm coming for you.

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[May. 8th, 2008|10:27 pm]

Will your city be ready?

I don't THINK so!

Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission Could Be On Ballot

DENVER -- If space aliens landed in Denver’s City Park, would the city’s first responders be ready?

It may sound far-out, but it was one of the issues addressed Thursday in the review and comment meeting for the Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission ballot initiative.

Denver Resident Jeff Peckman firmly believes we are not alone.

“The evidence is irrefutable that there are extraterrestrials that have visited earth frequently,” said Peckman, who believes the government is covering up encounters.

Peckman is sponsoring a ballot initiative that would created an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission to collect information about aliens and how we can peacefully co-exist.

...

Wait. "Peacefully"?

Does this mean Denver's citizens won't get grants to install anti-aircraft artillery on their roofs

Is it too late to change the wording on this ballot initiative?

(Ya know -- I mean, I read an article yesterday about how these new "reactive materials" will make it possible for rail guns to fire off explosive rounds. Got a little exited.)

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This just in... [May. 8th, 2008|03:01 am]

Does anybody need a genome map of the platypus?

Scientists map the genome of the platypus

[info]merovingian? Anybody?

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The news from Jesus Land (article yoinked from [info]andrewhickey) [May. 8th, 2008|02:48 am]

For the sake of everybody's sanity, I hope this one isn't true...

Magic trick costs teacher job

Land 'O Lakes, Florida -- The stories in the news about inappropriate relationships between teachers and students have been overwhelming. There was even a substitute teacher in New Port Richey who got in trouble after investigators say she had a relationship with an underage student.

Well, another Pasco County substitute teacher's job is on the line, but this time it's because of a magic trick.

The charge from the school district — Wizardry!

Substitute teacher Jim Piculas does a 30-second magic trick where a toothpick disappears then reappears.

But after performing it in front of a classroom at Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes, Piculas said his job did a disappearing act of its own.

...

And to think that a couple days ago I was telling someone about medieval superstitions influencing legal decisions in some Middle Eastern countries.

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Oh, the irony! [Apr. 30th, 2008|08:02 pm]

Need a laugh?

Report: Chinese factory producing "Free Tibet" flags for export

Media reports from within China say a factory in Guangdong has been completing orders for the flag of the Tibetan government-in-exile.

Workers said they thought they were just making colourful flags and did not realise their meaning.

...

But really, let's focus on more important matters, like the fact that the Dalai Lama still refuses to wear a Tibetan flag lapel pin...

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[Apr. 29th, 2008|09:33 pm]

This is an automated sting operation...

The automated sting operation will begin in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN!
KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN!
KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN!

Child star in trouble for baring not quite all
KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN!
KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN!
KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN! KIDDIEPORN!

ATTENTION, CITIZENS!

YOU HAVE LOOKED AT CHILD PORNOGRAPHY, AND YOU ARE NOW IN VIOLATION OF THE LAW!

PLEASE WAIT BY YOUR COMPUTER UNTIL THE PROPER AUTHORITIES DROP BY TO COLLECT YOU!

IF YOU HAVE PREVIOUSLY SEEN THIS CHILD PORNOGRAPHY ON TELEVISION NEWS, YOUR LOCAL NEWSPAPERS, OR IN NEWS ARTICLES ON THE WEB, THEN YOU WILL BE CLASSIFIED AS A REPEAT OFFENDER, AND YOU WILL INCUR ADDITIONAL PENALTIES!

AGAIN -- PLEASE WAIT BY YOUR COMPUTER UNTIL THE PROPER AUTHORITIES HAVE COLLECTED YOU!

This has been an automated sting operation...

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[Apr. 28th, 2008|11:17 am]

How come I haven't heard some of you people yammer about this?

Anathem is a novel by Neal Stephenson, to be published on September 9, 2008. ...

Or did you yammer without me noticing. I know I've been a bit busy...

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[Apr. 28th, 2008|10:56 am]

I can't remember where I put my post about Bumper Nuts, but it looks like the things have hit the news.

Florida lawmakers consider bill banning ornamental testicles

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) — They're proudly displayed by any self-respecting bull, but dangling big metal ones on the back end of a truck could be banned in Florida.

Metal replicas of bull testicles have become trendy bumper ornaments in some parts of the Sunshine State, but state Sen. Carey Baker is campaigning to ban the orbs. ...

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Will this reclaim it from the Nazis? [Apr. 28th, 2008|10:49 am]

LOLstika?

I'm far too amused by this.:-)

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Was it a misread? YOU be the judge. [Apr. 26th, 2008|11:18 am]

So I was downtown, and I zipped past a sign which thought said...

THIS BAR SCENE
IS OUT OF ORDER

Didn't get a chance to take a second look at it.

I'm not completely sure what that might mean (if that's what the sign really said). I'm guessing you could still get a drink in the bars, but all the other activities you normally encounter in a downtown Denver bar might be down for repairs.

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[Apr. 23rd, 2008|06:09 pm]

Question:

Is water boarding still torture if you use a big, friendly, slobbery dog?

How about six puppies?

Or how about a dry form, with a cat that sits on your chest and just ... stares.

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[Apr. 23rd, 2008|05:43 pm]

Schaffer: What Forced Abortions? I Didn't See Any Forced Abortions

Bob Schaffer's Jack Abramoff problem isn't going away.

Ever since the Colorado Republican Senate candidate declared that he thought the guest worker system used in the Northern Mariana Islands was so great that it ought to be exported to the mainland, the media has been on his back. And now a conservative organization has jumped into the fray, a spokesman for Colorado's Right to Life telling The Denver Post that Schaffer's boosterism for the Marianas meant he was no pro-life advocate: "The pro-life movement will no longer give a pass to candidates like Bob Schaffer who look the other way when Chinese women are forced to abort their children."

Schaffer's response to the comment was twofold. First, he made clear that he didn't question the veracity of federal investigations that found instances of Chinese guest workers being forced to get abortions. But he wants everyone to know that he did his due diligence as a crack investigator when he went on his trip to the islands in 1999 -- which was organized and managed by Jack Abramoff, the Northern Mariana Islands government, and the garment manufacturers. And, try as he might, he just couldn't find any evidence of it: ...

"In five days, I did not observe a forced abortion or meet anybody who had any knowledge of them," he said, adding that no subsequent examples were ever brought to him.

...

Oh.

Well...

That's good to hear. Especially with all those combination takedown and forced abortions going on nowadays -- just right there in front of you on the street. Damnedest thing.

But at least global warming has driven the forcedabortionsaurus extinct.

And who says global warming is all bad?

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