Well much has happened in the past little while. First off I went on a cruise with my mom and my boyfriend Justin on July 6th to the 13th which was both amazing and a nightmare. It was so much fun, he fullfilled many of my dreams. We had lots of fun in the hottub, he was constantly fingerbanging me which was such an amazing feeling, and then we had sex..in the hottub. It was hard because of the friction of the water but it was so enjoyable. We did that twice and then we had sex in the room, which was a nightmare. I dont think he pulled out fast enough, and now ...i am pregnant. It's so hard for me because I feel like i am going through this alone. I ended up having to tell my mom who told my dad, and sandy, chauntelle, and tiffany. It's hard because now they expect me to not talk to justin and just get over him, it's n0t that easy because i love him. I have cried for days and days, i just cant do it. I know they think he is needy, abusive, and obbsessive over me, but he really isnt. I dont know what to do right now, I had the morning after pill, but most likely its too late and now it will deform my child. I cant bear a child when its deformed, who will adopt it? I certaintly cant raise a deformed child at the age of 16, this is all such a nightmare. And since i am a christian I cannot havve an abortion. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, but im stuck in it. The worst part for me is not being able to see justin, its killing me inside, sometimes i wish i wouldnt have told my mother, but then what would i have done? I cant do this on my own, im letting go, and i hope god gives me one more chance. Anmyways the cruise was fun on one hand, me and justin usually went to the spa and had fun in the hot tub, or we went to the arcade, however over time the machines just broke. Once we went to play bowling, but everytime i threw the ball it went into the gutter because thie ship was moving. I really enjoyed myself on the cruise but my mom feels she wasted 6000 dollars because of all this pregnancy stuff that happened. I feel so terrible bbecause she wanted to create good memories with me before she died, and i ruined it for her. Its hard to cope with that and everything else, and i feel like i have no friend and nobody to talk to. Im so scared, about everything. I just want jesus to take the wheel and guide me in the right direction. I repented for what i did, and i can say i will never have sex again until im married, i cant handle this. But im scared that god hasnt forgiven me because im considering an abortion. Its hard because i know its wrong, and i know i think that i will just repent after its done, but will he accept that? I know i have to change, and i know everyone wants me to get rid of Justin, but i cant. I want to see him, i want to love him, and i want him to continue to love me. Hopefully his mom helps us out and talks to my mom, cause not talking to him is killing me inside. I just wish i had someone to talk to, to help me sort this all out...

her eyes are brighter than the sun yet no one sees them, they say vanity's a sin,
her smile, a ten million dollar one, but she never cashes in,
his voice would send you to euphoria if he would just be heard,
he cant, controversy, free speech isn’t what’s been sold
his words tell the most intricate stories, but they are secrets, never to be told
she's used to the names, the accusations, the faux power they possess
he's lived it, he knows it all to well, the loner kid the one who aces every test.
his originality isnt enough for your crowd
her celebrity skin is just another thing to detest
the mockingbird is ever present
singing songs, starting fires, the battle of the melodies
the war for the rhymes, when will you children learn?
this battle will never be won

You are the milk to my cookies,
the smile to my laughter,
the song to my music,
& my reasons to existence.

I love you baby! You get in me like a toothache, no strenght of asprin can subside. I love you like cancer. You need need me like a disease. I secretly watch your steps when im with you, calculating every mistake. You read in between my lines looking for an answer. Our shadows are the same colour grey and together we both fade into the sun light. I know your cancer is keeping me alive. You know my disease is your only cure. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to live an amazing life with you.

I've placed you upon my pedestal of which no one has ever been. I've placed you upon my heavens, and into my sky. Don't ever come down, alright? For angels fly, they don't walk upon the ground with people. You're amazing, and I'm in love with you. Justin Marinelli be mine forever, for you make me the happiest and luckiest girl in the universe. You are my everything and even more.
You're what I think about every morning, your what strength I have to get out of bed. You're the light that keeps me going in the day. You're the flowers that grow to show me my way. You're the moonlight and my stars at night. Your voice is what I love to hear last before I go to sleep, even if it means calling your turned off phone to hear your voicemail. You're my dream, I've been waiting so long for. You're the love of my life and so much more. The day I get you in my arms is the day that every ounce of pain adds up, every past spark of happiness seems to be nothing, every second of the clock stops and gives us just our moment, it's the day my life is complete, it's the day I'm finally completely and truly happy, it's the day I was sent to this Earth for. I love you with all my heart and so much more. You're gorgeous and stunning. Perfect and genuine. Everything and more.

Daddy's Little Girl
I feel lost when I'm without you,
Safe when you're away,
Please don't do this to me,
I'll tell you what I did before, you just can't stay,
I've spent way too much time trying to make you proud,
Way too much time trying to make you happy,
I guess I'll never be the person you wanted me to be,
And that's quite okay with me,
I can't live this way,
Waiting for the moment in the minutes you decide you need me,
I can't live like this,
When I know you'll just leave again eventually,
Please don't stay, you need to go,
If you ever loved me if you ever cared,
You'd leave now, without a word or a phony show,
I've been tripping on your words and falling for your lines,
Don't push me over, I've finally found my common ground,
I'm tired of fake smiles,
I'm tired of fake tears,
I won't smile when I hear the clicking of your keys,
And I won't cry when I see the back of your head, followed by a slamming door,
I'm getting used to the back of your head,
I can't live in a world where I'm locked inside my room,
You don't need me you never did,
I should've given up on you so long ago,
I was raised just fine when you were forever gone,
I'm twice the person I was when you were here with me,
So cut off my long golden hair,
And I'll line my hazel eyes in black,
Cuz I'm just so sick and tired of being "Daddy's little girl."

So I had my fernectamy yesterday ( they cut the thing under your tounge so your tounge gets longer) and its hurting quite a bit. I hope that it gets better soon, cause I really don't like pain.

*Side note.

i know one thing i want/need in life.
and that is reassurance.
uncertainty...is without question...inevitable...
however, reassurance.... is possible.
i need people in my life to reassure me.
i need to be reassured.
i can reassure others.
sometimes...if i calm myself down enough...i can reassure myself.
however, the reassurance of someone else...is powerful....is warming...is lovely.
how do you receive reassurance though? it is not something you want to ask for.... but it is something you probe at for...
please reassure me....whenever need be....whenever it is right...whenever the reassurance will be reassured.

A time now lost,
Confided inside.
The many folds,
Of a darkened mind.

The alien smog,
Of abnormal thoughts.
As it crusts around,
Comfort level drops.

Fearful eyes,
Of tears and lust.
Grip to others,
To their disgust.

Thrown aside,
Hateful and worn.
A useless set,
These bones of scorn.

Glance a smile,
She’s in their hold.
Friendly lies,
These girls so cold.

Pulled into,
Their grotesque shape.
This popular label,
She is encased.

But one wrong step,
She’s whipped aside.
By rules these demons,
Will abide.

And now alone,
She’s lost and scared.
To befriend those souls,
She had dared.

And now she lye’s,
Eyes cried dry.
Bleeding from wrists,
Pleading to die.

On the bathroom floor,
Bloody and dead.
All because of what,
A lying smile said.

laughing, it seems simple enough,
why is it that we can laugh so hard we cry?
but never cry enough to make us feel any sort joy?
empty pits,
the light at the end of tunnel dimmed the moment i fell into it.
if i can't save myself,
so how can i rely on you?
why would you cry when no one's around?
why would you smile when no one's around?
emotion makes no sense, no difference, when you're all alone,
you're old news,
your power was abused.
hurry up and fix yourself,
hurry up, so you can fix the whole world,
i laugh, and i don't even know why,
tumbling over as i trip on lie after lie,
smile for the camera,
you have everything they want, everything they need,
but nothing you want, nothing you need,
hurry up, you're losing your speed,
you're losing your drive,
as long as they think you're happy,
you don't really have to be,
just remain the person they know they can count on,
just be the girl who takes care of the boy,
not the one you love, but the one they adore
go, be a success,
let them be vicarious through you,
make sure you turn out just as they wanted for their own,
so learn from my lessons, to never put your life out on loan,
the price you pay is never getting any happiness of your own,
i learned too late, and now that i'm grown,
they have what they want, they see what they choose,
but what do i have for my own self to be shown?
you don't rule your own life anymore,
so, go cry now little princess,
because you've just lost your crown.

So I had the best weekend! I went to Seatle with my mother and we went to meet my boyfriend Justin (Irish4721) except my mom didnt know we were dating. Its hard to do online relationships but boy did meeting him make everything worthwhile. I love him to death and he made all my fears go away as soon as we met. I was so nervous that he would think i was fat, or ugly, or not fun but to my knowledge he thought I was amazing. And then the anticipation of waiting to kiss him was killing me, so when my mom went to the washroom, it happened. The taste of him, the touch of his lips to mine, the way he held me, it was all so amazing, i didnt want to let him go. He is my everything and I want everything to work out perfectly. He's a shortie =] But i love that about him, i tease him about him, i hope that doesnt bother him cause i think hes perfect. I love how he just talks and talks, thats what i look for most in a guy and sometimes on the xbox its hard to tell if their like that, but he is! I love it, I wish i could explain how amazing everything was. So first we met him, his sister, and his mom and went to some restaurant to talk and get to know eachother. Me and Justin looked over some of the excursions we might do in the port of calls in Alaska. Oh I just cant wait till we get to go, and i can be with him 24/7. So anyways, after that me justin and my mom went to the seatle center and hung around there. We went on a few rides, and kissed on the ferris wheel, which was fun. Then we went up to the seatle space needle, it was beautiful up there! My mom was terrified going up those elevators but i thought it was neat that she accomplished that fear. After that we walked around some more, went to pike market ----oh so guess what happened there! Me and justin were walking down this staircase and some homless guy came up to us and was like "hey arent my eyes pretty" and then he pushed his fingers into his eyes and they popped out! They didnt fall out but they bulged and it was nasty and scary. So after that we all went for lunch at this little restaurant by the water, and justin taught us how to play 13, which is a really fun card game. And then after that we went to a laser show, it was pink floyd. That was a lovely show, crazy on the eyes, I wonder what it would be like stoned. Anyways ya me and justin cuddled and then after we went on the sad journey to get justin home. Justin is such a sweetheart, I was cold so he rubbed my arms to make me warmer, then he gave me his sweater. I felt bad cause i didnt want him getting cold, but i was freezing. I wish i could just stay in his arms forever. Anywho thats about it, but it was absoulutly amazing, and justin shocked me by being so perfect. I wish he lived here in Canada. Well I will write again soon, but for now heres a small poem:

You are my everything
If I let you go I wouldn't be me
Every night in my dreams I think of you
Every time I hear your sweet voice I break into tears
I wonder some times if you are real or not
Maybe you're just a dream
But if you are,
I don't want to ever wake up
But when I do wake up it all seems so real
Love can touch just one time and last for a lifetime
The day I stop loving you is the day I close my eyes forever...

This one's for you,
As another lie rings through,
Promises and hopes such a contrast between the two,
My dreams seem few,
As yours shine through,
Living through me as I live for you,
The shades of colors dim till’ they turn black and blue,
I said I would do this, do this for you,
You said you want this...yeah; you want me to do this for you,
I live in the shadow, the shadow by you,
Your dreams come true,
But mine become blind to the view,
I don't want this, I don't need this, I can't take this, that much is true,
There's to finding the gray in the blue,
Here's to the dream of wishing that my life was through,
I need to get away, I need to run away, I need to forget this for awhile before my goals are completely through,
I'm trying to find the moment of truth in your lies; I'm trying to find the good in you,
I made a promise, a promise I'll keep, even if it means forgetting about what makes me happily true,
I'll keep him strong though I'm falling apart, I'll keep him good though I'm crumbling under the weight of the world, I'll make sure he lives for him, though I will be the hypocrite, that's true,
I'll make sure he stays your golden boy, and I'll take the silver if it means getting the love I always wanted from you,
Put on my mask, the world needs me now, make sure I'm bullet proof I can't cry, not in front of them, not in front of you,
So here's to another dream I will lose, here's to the loss living my life for me, here's to lying to myself, here's to crying inside, but a promise is a promise, and this one's for you.
I just wanted you to love me, and I still want you to,
The least I can do is leave your dream fulfilled,
The least I can do is keep this promise even after you’re gone,
I don't believe in God, but I did believe in you, tell me what good is that for me now
Because now that you're gone I don't believe in anything...not even the promise because that was for you too.