Musings & Ravings - May 7th, 2004

This is an experiment. Although I have tried to keep journals in the past I have always failed because it feels like a futile exercise. It feels, alternately, like an exercise in narcissism or exhibitionism and, if the latter, a lame hope for some form of immortality.

I have little interest in immortality, or at least, that this shell should find some shadow of immortality in memory. Real immortality would be cool, but, short of that, I am content to return from whence I came. As the Zen Master Hoshin wrote in his final 4 line poem;

I come from nothing,
I return to nothing,
what is this?

I have tried to keep journals in the past, but when I go back and read some of the self-indulgent BS that I have written in the past, I want to drown myself at birth. This does not entice me to write more. If I am writing only for myself it is an exercise in narcissism, in self-indulgence and I see little point in that.

But if I am supposedly writing for posterity, then it is a sort of hubris to assume that anyone might want to read my rantings. I have learned that no one should take anything I say too seriously.

If there is one horror I would not like to face it would be the curse of G'Kar (Babylon 5). To find out that my writing resulted in a pack of mewling sycophants trying to squeeze ultimate truths from my ravings would be awful. If they are going to do that I demand 2 things - 1) That I am there to abuse them for their stupidity and 2) that 2/3 of them be good looking women because, if I were to be press ganged into being a spiritual leader, I want something out of it for me.

So, all that is left is exhibitionism and, I suppose, I am a bit of an exhibitionist. Having embraced that truth instead of trying to disavow it, I find myself able to write somewhat more freely. But my writing would still be in vain, if there weren't some chance that someone will stumble across it, read it, and even comment on it. So here I am.

If I am lucky, this journal will act like Dumbledore's Pensieve. Capturing thoughts and patterns both of myself and the world around me that I can put to some positive end. It will also get me writing again, trusting my ability to put thought to the page. If that happens, I will probably turn to a more private form of journal, one that is more permanent to me and more tangible than bytes on an unknown server somewhere.

Tags: major story arc
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Prologue to Labyrinth