New journal, peoples!

emilys-skepsis.livejournal.com

Much love!

e.

"Please leave a one-word comment that you think best describes me -- it can only be one word long.
Then copy and paste this in your journal so that I may leave a word about you."

nevermind.

we don't have a doorbell. we don't have ireland.

Two weeks!

<3

Current Mood: giggly

Okay, so I have some questions.

First, what is freedom?

We talk about it in this country like everyone has it, like it's the constant variable in the formula for the American life. Is it really? When I was a child, I felt freedom. But did that end in adulthood? As a kid, you're without worries. Okay, perhaps not completely, but 'How can I escape the tedious things in life for more playtime and another cookie?' is different from, 'I hope my car runs today,' and 'Rent is due soon,' or 'Maybe I should get a second job and try taking more classes next semester.' I was sitting in our new place the other day, just being, and realized, 'Hey, I can't even just BE in world for free. It costs a pretty penny for me to simply exist with a roof over my head, much less with food and warmth and transportation, etc. Damn.'

I spoke with this homeless lady today at OLCH, thinking maybe she experienced more of this supposed freedom than we sheltered folks. But, no, she's still subject to social and financial imprisonment, perhaps even moreso than I. She smelled a lot like whiskey. Addictions limit our freedom. Which is so ironic because it seems like most addictions are formed by a longing to escape imprisonment from problems and responsibilities.

Everyone is enslaved, right? That's my observation. People are depraved, and freedom is impossible.

Okay, so then what do we mean by 'freedom in Christ'?

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery...For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the Spirit... Galatians 5:1, 13-15.

I guess I know what that means. Sometimes I think because I wasn't raised in the Church, Christian lingo like 'freedom in Christ' gets a little confusing. But, okay, I know that Christ has conquered this world and it's sin, that Satan no longer has any power over those who love Christ. But we're still bound and obligated by this world. How do we really live in the freedom of Christ? Is it because His kingdom is another realm, so to speak, that Christ is not limited by bills and pains and addictions and loneliness? And that sounds good, but how does it look? As I sit here typing, as I go to work or school, as I pay bills, interact with others, or just exist, how do I live in the freedom of Christ?

A few days ago (before all this nasty ice and cold), Bryan came home from work (I was at the apartment after work for some quite time) and told me he had a gift for me. It was wonderful. We went walking in St. James and Belgravia as the sunset and gaslights lit our way, looking in houses and just being altogether playful and peaceful. It felt like freedom. (Though I do understand that feelings don't verify actual existence.) We weren't limited by our finances or families or jobs. And there was an understanding of 'This is from our beautiful Christ, this wonderful evening, simply enjoying His creation and love.'

Okay. I just thought about something. I'm going at this all wrong. I'm assuming a typical American assumption, that freedom is lack of burden and responsibility. I don't think it works that way in the Lord's Kingdom. Right? Maybe true freedom has less to do with us than I first thought. Perhaps freedom is the ability to delight in God, to love Him and be loved by HIm.

Is that it?

Current Mood: contemplative

and just something else...

after March 13th, I can start signing this ee. that makes me happy. although bryan had never heard of ee cummings and was quite confused when i made this comment to him the other day. that was quite sad.

So, here's my monthly update....

The wedding is coming up soon. It's getting to be crunch time. There's so much we still need to do, but time and money are both tight. And I feel like we're doing the vast majority of it by ourselves. That's probably my fault though.

But yeah, so the reason I decided to update is because today is an old friend's birthday and I only talk to her occasionally on the wonderful world of live journal.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OLIVIA!

Yeah, she rocks. She turned my life upside down when I met her. We don't speak often, and even when we do it's not enough, but I value our rare time nevertheless. I don't really know where she is or what she's doing these days, somewhere at Vandy or something, and that's okay. She still rocks my socks. Always will, no doubt.

Funny how friends come and go. And occasionally some back again, but when they return, it's hard to completely enjoy because you're constantly trying to get back to how it once was, the euphoria of days long past, days of sunshine and long conversations and depths first explored. But you can't go back. And I know for me, I have to make a conscious effort to enjoy the here and now rather than longing for what was or could be, you know? My mind likes to wander in 'what if?' mode, only half-aware of 'what is,' and desparate for the bliss and adventure of 'what was,' like a child captivated by a vague shiny object in the distance.

There are so many friendships I have now- no, wait. I take that back. In adulthood, I don't have 'so many' friendships. I have busy acquaintances, busy old friends, busy long distance friends, people I know but would never have the pleasure of calling 'friend' no matter how much I try to initiate, coworkers with facades, customers with veils, and a family of strangers.

There are people I wish I had time for, wish I had kept in touch with, wish I had talked to/laughed with/cried for/journeyed with, etc. And now that I'm the one being subconsciously snubbed (because I don't think it's intentional), I realize my prior error. Some of you are damn hard to get ahold of. Seriously. Most people are. Does that make it okay?

Is this loneliness just an inevitability?

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. I do have Bryan, and Kate now, and Dad and Sam and Kim, and Kari (though I know she's super busy), and occasionally James and Laricia. And they're amazing people.

I just hate being so forgetable. My mom doesn't seem to want to help me with the wedding at all. My old roommates didn't notice the big diamond on my finger for weeks after I was engaged. If I don't talk to people at sojourn (or even at cg for crying out loud), I won't be spoken to. Granted, no one's mean or cruel or rude. No, no. Everyone is quite polite.

But I want friends, not polite acquaintances. I want people to go the depths. And I wish people would stop assuming the role of teacher just because I'm young. Okay, I don't have as much experience but I have more than a great deal of people my age. And I'm not exposed to people my age anymore, which I suppose is also my fault for isolating myself into a group of older people I thought valued me as a sister. But they aren't the people that call me, or email me, etc. And I do long for an older woman to mentor me, but for starters I just want friends. I want people to listen and laugh and cry and I want to do that for them too. I want to be needed, appreciated, trusted. I don't want to talk about the weather all the fucking time. I want depth, long-term depth in friendship. I don't understand the difficulty there in at least trying.

Then again, I realize that not everyone thinks the way I do. Social gatherings do they're thing for me, but to some people I understand that that is the climax of community. That's as much as they need. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish i could go to community group, laugh and talk about how the week's gone, pray and leave feeling connected, relieved, and fulfilled. But that's not it for me. I like that, don't get me wrong, but it's frustrating and isolating when that's not enough. And those gatherings would be great if I had the opportunity to balance them with the other.

I'm hardly ever at sojourn things anymore. I admire the leadership, I think a lot of great things are happening there. Sometimes I just go for the sermon and leave. I just can't seem to function in large social settings without complementary intimate periods in my week as well. I don't want to walk into a building of familiar faces and unfamiliar hearts. I don't want to be a stranger. I'd like to help with all the new things going on. I know that in times when I've had that balance between intimate and social community, I've found a confidence in leading, particularly younger girls. (of course, we all know how that turned out. why does my age stand out before my heart? i felt so ashamed and inadequate in that group. thanks community.) I would like to be invested in because I'd like to invest in others. I just hate feeling guilty for that. Someone told me that sojourn needs me, and I must admit, that's what I long to hear. But she hasn't been there lately, and, I don't know. Things have changed this year. I don't even know that community is possible. I'm tempted to say, 'Then why even try?' but I know I haven't found fulfillment in that yet.

And though I don't regret getting married, I feel like it isolates me from people my age. I had thought that maybe some married woman within the community would take me under her wing, but then again, we can't even get ahold of anyone to do our pre-martial counseling anyway. With all the couples that got married just as young as we are in the community, it's a wonder how we're not being taken seriously. And I'm sure that those couples benefited greatly from the mentorship of another. To expect us to have it together without coming near us with a ten foot pole is ridiculous. I just don't understand.

Okay, so that got way off subject.

To Olivia- I miss friends like you. I hope all is well- no, much, MUCH better than simply well. I hope you are thriving. May God bless you in all you're doing, and may you glorify him with all of your being. Thank you for showing me the depths of friendship. And if you read this, email your address to me so I can send you and your wonderful family an invitation. I love you. There aren't enough like you in this world.

Current Mood: drained

I'm getting married!

(just thought you should know.)

e.

Current Mood: joyful

I don't have that much to say right now. Nothing profound, nothing amusing.

As for life in general, well, two words: Totally rockin.

And though I can't disclose all that information at this time or in this medium, let me assure you, I mean totally rockin, people.

What I can tell you.... I got a new job at Java Brewing Co. I love it! It's the one out by Lake Forest and Christian Academy. i work with some amazing people. Our customers are generally very personable and pleasant. I love coffee and tea, as many of you know, so I guess it's the perfect job for me. And what better place for an anthropologist than a coffeehouse? Talk about post-modern man in his natural habitat.

It's weird, but I'm so poor and so rich. I have no money to buy Christmas presents. I barely have enough to get by, buy things are better than ever. My family is great. We've had some struggles lately, but they are so precious! I don't know what I'd do without them. My community is also a constant blessing. Of course, there are the usual suspects, Kate and Bryan, who seem to make even the worst of days an adventure. I love going this journey with them. I'm so blessed.

I went through this horrible season of feeling distant and detached, but God has brought me out of that. He's taught me to think in less extremes, to understand that seasons come and go. He's taught me to pray like I never have before. He's stripped me of all pretense and false idols. I've been forgiven of so much. 'There is no pit so deep that he is not greater still.' Mr. Beadle shared Corrie Ten Boom's stpry with me, from which this is a quote. That has become real to me in these past few months. His grace is deeper than my sins and wounds. I am amazed.

Sigh.

Oh, and all you kids that are coming into town for the holidays, remember to give me a call.

Love,

e.

... like me. Yeah.

I like my mac, but I wish a certain someone was here to share in my mac-coolness with me. Instead, it's just me and Thom Yorke, talking about global warming and salt water and why Rome fell. And Thom reminds me of that certain someone. So, now I'm in an awkward position. I mean, it's Thom Yorke, for crying out loud! I can't just end the conversation casually, you know? But he's calling me Monkey-Head and I almost thought I saw some slightly red hairs along his chin. Ah, and then there's that scent of lavender and tobacco and whatever other lovely things. No, Thom, I'm afraid we can't see each other any more. It's not you, it's me. No, actually, it's him. I don't mean to compare, but, geez, you're just no Bryan Enders, OK?

Computer.

Yes, my Mac. Where were we, now? Ah.

I'm moving. Not much physically at the moment, since I am a bit ill. However, I signed a lease tonight. That's exciting. I'm a bit nervous, but no worries.

Went to GDB's group Sunday. I do believe I'll go again this week. He is a rockin little dude. The Winters are an amazing bunch of people as well. Gosh, now that I think about it, none of them are less that amazing.

I forgot. to. write.

My ears are popping and it kind of tickles. I'm on a lot of medications. And I'm pretty sleepy. Thom says 'Goodnight.'

Goodnight, Thom Yorke, goodnight.

e.

Current Mood: weird

I have a lover. A lover who consisently rides to my rescue, defeating all obstacles to get to me, to save me from both myself and my enemies. A lover who gives me glimpses of both strength and beauty.

And, no, I'm not refering to any boy.

My God is my Love, my Life.
And he has rescued me.
Again.

What patience, loving providence! Breath-taking.
When I am weak, I am strong.

e.

Current Mood: in awe

Back from South Carolina. I would say it was rockin, but that doesn't even come close. It was so magnificent, in fact, that I almost didn't come back. It's odd how that place can seem so foreign, and yet so much more like home than anywhere else. I'll share more later. Maybe. However, it is one of those 'you-had-to-be-there' experiences, so I may decide not to waste my time. I wish I could have taken you all with me.

Part of me feels like I've come home from being at war. The other feels like I've been sent to the heart of the battle. What a paradox.

I'm so awkward.

e.

Current Mood: Different.

Some semi-random thoughts from you friendly neighborhood Emily:

I love rain in the summer. I love rain period.

I have a tendency to worship the gift and not the giver. God called Abraham to sacrifice, to put to death, his gift. I think He is asking me to do the same. How that plays out practically, I don't know. But I love that He's teaching me.

I leave for South Carolina early Monday. It will be a very welcomed break from my habits and comforts and clutter.

I think the key to avoiding legalism when attempting to engage Scripture is in worshiping, focusing on, admiring the Giver of the law and not the law separate from His person.

I love Bryan Enders.

(There, Jason, I said his name. :P)

'I believe in Christ as I believe the sun has risen- Not only because I can see it, but because by it I see everything else.' - C.S.Lewis, from 'Is Theology Poetry?'

So... You remember that little side note I wrote awhile back about sensing that my glory days of singleness were coming to an end? Well, the time has come. My reign as Queen of all things solo, individual, and unaccompanied is over. I know, I know. I can hear your gasps, your laughter, your tears from here. As some of you faithful readers mutter a 'Damn!,' I know others are letting out relieved, 'Well, it's about time''s.

Most of you know that I'm a tough critic when it comes to potential boyfriends. I have never been one to settle. So for the past year or so, I haven't. Opportunities arose, and I allowed them to pass because I wasn't impressed, moved, intrigued, etc. I'm also not one to specifically go looking for a male companion. From my perspective, singleness isn't some cruel torture or a bitter, lonely state of existence, nor do I see the lack of romantic companionship as a character flaw, or even a stroke of bad luck, for that matter.

You're probably wondering, 'How, then, Emily, did you get sucked into the trap of unsingleness? By what turn of fate was your highly rational and sublimely intellectual mind changed?'

Well, dear readers, I met him .

Actually, we've been friends for awhile now, since shortly after I began attending the Greater Lachlan Coffey Community Group. And, if I'm honest (I reveal this as though most of you didn't know already), I'll admit that I have been intrigued by this boy since we met. He was, and still is, the illustration of my, I hope very realistic but never cynical, desires for a boyfriend. Unlike most of my previous relationships, and some friendships too, this increases proportionally to the time we spend together, the better I get to know him. At first it was quite intimidating. A boy that challenged me on every front, and a boy my age! I think I've become far too set on dating only older men, that this one surprised me.

Anyway, he's amazing. Artistic, intellectual, not only spiritual, but pursuing Godliness, handsome, hilarious, AMAZING. This should be interesting. I'll leave it at that. (trust me, I could go on forever, and I know you people don't have that kind of time.) *Sigh*

e.

Current Mood: creative

I must say, it seems as though every one of you is pretty torn right now. Life as you've known it thus far has ended. It might sound pretentious to say I know what you're going through, because, chances are, I don't. I opted out, left via the back door; You stayed the time and announced that accomplishment to anyone who would hear you. For that, you have all earned my respect. Please take this with an open mind, knowing I mean not to belittle, only to impart some of the growth I've had in somewhat similar experiences.

You've poured so much into high school, whether intentionally by devotion to study or sport or, by accident, as a result of spending so much time in the same place with the same people. It seems like you have to start from scratch. That killer paper you wrote, the calc test you aced, that goal you scored in the last seconds of the game, the time you invested in your peers - All your triumphs and trials ... Was it all in vain?

'For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything,' James writes to the early church (1:3-4). Peter mentions that trials challenge us 'as fire tests and purifies gold' (1Pet.1:7). All you've accomplished and experienced in these past four years is not lost. It has shaped your character.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of this lies in the people you know, relational regrets and memories. Whether by intention or default, your peers at school have shared experiences with you that make new people seem like disappointing intruders. If there's one thing I've learned since this Fall, it's that relationships outside of high school must be far more intentionally pursued. A friend shared some wisdom with me a few months ago. She said that in high school, you have friends based on shared experiences, whereas outside of that, you're more likely to have friends based on shared interests. Sure, you have common hobbies and notable similarities on a number of fronts now, but they were cultivated through sharing the experience of high school. I don't mean to degrade the effort you have put into your relationships. But this is a reality of the outside world. You must be intentional in cultivating these relationships. It is essential.

Now, understand that this doesn't mean you go out and make friends with everyone you see, intending to have a friendship that will challenge, comfort, and better both parties. That's ridiculous. If you thought high school was full of deadlines and pressure, just wait. It gets worse. So, you must choose the ones closer to you, your best friends, then your good friends, acquaintances, etc. There are different levels of this. No one is capable of cultivating every relationship to its potential. However, you will be meeting new people. Be open about new relationships; You never know who will become one of your inner circle.

You have to take initiative- pick up the phone, send the email, go grab coffee, listen. You have to be vulnerable, though that thought may go against what you pictured the post-school life to be. 'To know and be known, love and be loved,' writes St. Augustine, is the very hunger of the human soul. You cannot do so by becoming hardened or numb or distant. You must be present and sensitive, even if it risks heart-ache. 'You can only be loved to the extent that you are known,' wrote John Ortberg.

This is my relational goal, to be able to do the things mentioned above with grace and skill. I have yet to achieve it, but Ive seen that it is not so far-fetched. This used to sound impossible. Since I graduated, I have found that I can surprise myself. The girl I thought was incapable of maintaining or even starting friendships has proven herself to be very able. I can't pursue each of you the way I might have in school, but the time I do share with you seems to be of higher quality.

Okay, so to be quite honest, there are so many other things I wish I could share with you. However, I don't think my words will impact your life as much as your life will impact your life. I love each of you. May you be refined by the fire of the risky experiences that await you. If I can be of any help, if you need any reassurance at any time, don't hesitate to call or email me.

e.

I have a confession to make. I just had a terribly snobby moment. I stumbled upon the blogs of some old friends from high school, and thought, 'THANK GOD I'm not in high school! Thank God the drama can no longer nauseate me, the petty, narrow perspective has been broken.' I'm not sure that I didn't mean it, but, really, is that life so far away now? And even if it is, indeed, only a distant memory, what right do I have to pass judgment on that? In retrospection, I think that snobbish judgment existed far before I fled the halls of Seneca.

Which brings me to something I've been thinking on lately: Self-righteousness and the irony of this quality in Christians. How sad is it that most of us are seen as self-righteous, when we actually should know better than any group that righteousness was imputed and imparted to us via Christ? This is a resounding issue thoughout history, mostly in our modern media reproductions of it as the current population views Christianity throughout the ages. Think of the Crusades, read or watch Miller's 'The Crucible' or Hawthorne's 'The Scarlet Letter,' ask someone about televangelism or the latest 'mega-church'- You will perceive a great deal of self-righteousness. Or perhaps you won't. But your 'unchurched' friends will.

I wonder- are we really this way? Is it that Christianity is misunderstood? That the 'gospel of sin-management,' as Willard says, is the spawn of self-righteousness? Christ spoke out against legalism, against this 'holier than thou' attitude held by the Pharisees. Yet I think perhaps the worldly definition of self-righteousness is quite different than that of the Christian. Or maybe our perception of its manifestation differs. Is this okay? Do we settle for that? I don't know. I have a hard time saying it's just interpretation, but I also have reservations about condemning myself and other Christians completely. We hold to higher standards, right? What about the standard to show the world a bold love and humility?

I suppose some understanding may be found in, as Pawson spoke of in his lecture about Righteousness, Christianity, and Islam that I saw with Mr. Beadle's group, the difference between imputed and imparted righteousness of the saints. Yes, God gives us, cloaks us is often the image, in His righteousness. But He also imparts unto us the ability to pursue and mature in such righteousness.

How did Christ handle this? Why could he rebuke people of all kinds and maintain his loving appearance? Was Jesus self-righteous? Is that kosher? Afterall, he was truly righteous. We aren't. If we grow in his ways, does this give us clearance to become self-righteous? Isn't that a sure sign of falsehood and hypocrisy? When do we love, when do we correct? How do we correct without judging? Is that possible? Is this only applicable within communities of believers? Do we ditch the other standards and emphasize the love with outsiders? If so, why did Christ correct the woman at the well as well as his disciples? Is the answer in balancing acting in love and speaking in truth?

Any takers for the discussion? I'm curious and eager to hear other take on this, from Christians and nonChristians alike. Please don't worry about being too offensive if your views differ from mine. If I only hear what I want to, what a nice bubble I'll have! (Yikes.)

IN OTHER NEWS:

If you hadn't noticed, it's Friday night and I'm at home. This is 100% cool cos I haven't been home any night this week before midnight. Kinda funny that I'll party Monday thru Thursday, but come the weekend and I'm more than ready to read or write or play my guitar in isolation.

The Bob Dylan tape has disappeared. Of course, I think everything was misplaced at Panera today.

My feminine intuition tells me I may have the option of entering into the realm of unSingleness soon. Mixed feelings...

I miss Kari.

And Star Wars was, not that I expected too much, a major disappointment. The story is remarkable. The cinematic telling of that story... sucked. *shakes head* Why, George, why?

e.

Current Mood: contemplative

So last week was Cinco de Mayo. Not that I'm a big 'any-excuse-to-party' type person, but I was stuck at work for 10+ hours that day, and stuck washing dishes at work, so any sign of daylight would have been reason for a fiesta. The one plus of closing back of the house (aka dishes and prep, and I can't even do prep cos I'm a minor!) is that you have unlimited access to our little ghetto boom-box, rather that hearing Vivaldi's 'Spring' some many times you start throwing things at the speakers in the dining room. Now, this boom-box, in all its glory, doesn't play CD's, so I was pretty much left to FM radio. Since it's up on the highest shelf and takes a ladder for me to reach, I decided on FPK, since that eliminates commercials. And it's my favorite radio station. Actually, it's usually the only one I listen to. Anyway, so FPK has this Cinco de Mayo thing going, which was pretty nifty at first. However, after about an hour, I wasn't diggin it too much. I tried a couple other stations, but they just weren't cutting it. I was about to give up and start singing show tunes to myself, when I noticed a tape in the tape deck. Expecting some gangster rap (crazy co-workers), I laughed and thought, 'This should be good.' I pressed 'PLAY,' and started soaking the soup tubs.

'How many roads must a man walk down...' What? How'd Dylan get in the gangster rap tape? What glorious twist of fate was this? Surely no one I work with is music savvy enough to listen to Bob Dylan? I waited for the bass line, the obscene rap, any sign of a remix. And it never came. Another look revealed that this was indeed a tape of The Freewheelin Bob Dylan.

I had been saved.

Now, I still haven't figured out who the clever cat is that owns this tape. No one has fessed up yet. But Bob is still in the tape deck. I'm going in at noon today, and I'm there till close. I really wouldn't mind closing back of the house again.

Current Mood: bored

This sounds crazy. In fact, I know it is. Don't try to talk me out of it; You know how stubborn I am when it comes to these things. Really, now. Am I truly THAT mad? Okay, don't answer that. But the fact remains, as infinitely insane as it may be, that I am in love.

I hate to keep reminding you, but, you see, it keeps reminding me. He keeps reminding me.

The beautiful pink and purple blossomed bush (its correct name escapes me) has multiplied into TWO beautiful pink and purple blossomed bushes this year.

I found that Van Morrison album, only to open the book I've been reading and find a quote from the title track printed at the opening of the chapter.

I'm discovering that while coffee and conversation go together quite nicely, I have friendships that will prevail when the coffee is gone, or, worse, a day old.

I woke up yesterday with a peace and excitement about my traveling/'get out!' impulses. I have, after all, been led to an interest in a career that will allow, but not necessarily require, me to see the world in time, Lord willing.

In addition to Van Morrison, I found all my CD's from the Music History class I took my Junior year. I had forgotten my love for older music. (But I still hate harpsichord.)

One of my favorite customers came to see me yesterday. He's a bit old and not physically well, but his radiance was overwhelming. I love people like that.

I've had time to read. And play music. And spend time with some lovely people.

I am in love. I love my God. It sounds so cheesy, but, goodness, if you only knew! And I hope you do, or will. Ah.

e.

Current Mood: jubilant

This should sum it up:

I received a package in the mail from a good friend. After tearing open the large business envelope (He always sends the best stuff), I found something had been wrapped in numerous Panera bags, then U of L stationary, then Sojourn stickers, on and on. Inside read, "You're so wrapped up in everything these days, it's hard for me to find you."

e.

Current Mood: thoughtful