A long, long time ago, I started to write a Will & Grace script that I entitled "Adventures in Homo-Sitting." After watch the cast and creative team of W&G on Inside the Actor's Studio, my need to finish the script started to consume me. I haven't written anything new yet, but I am going to post some of the scenes you guys haven't read yet, so I can get feedback on them.

Just to refresh your memory, I'll repost the two scenes you guys did read.



CAMERA FADE IN ON WILL & GRACE WALKING DOWN A GROCERY STORE AISLE. WILL CARRIES A FULL BASKET WHILE GRACE IS PLAYING WITH HER HAIR, WHICH SHOULD BE IN TWO LOW PONYTAILS.

GRACE
Do you think I should get bangs?

WILL
Ooh, that's a tough question. Do you think I should laugh at you until I die of oxygen deprivation?

GRACE SHOOTS WILL A MURDEROUS LOOK AS JACK WALKS UP AND STARTS GOING THROUGH WILL'S GROCERIES.

GRACE
You know, a simple "no" would suffice. God, why do you queers always have to be such drama queens?

WILL
We are not all drama queens.

JACK SUDDENLY THRUSTS A BRICK OF CHEESE IN THE AIR IN FRONT OF WILL'S FACE.

JACK
(in an overly dramatic British accent)
Cheese, William Truman? Cheese? How dare you defy the sanctity, the honor, the very privilege! ...of the no-dairy diet!

WILL SNATCHES THE CHEESE FROM JACK AND PUTS IT BACK IN HIS BASKET. HE GLANCES AT A VERY JUSTIFIED- AND SATISFIED-LOOKING GRACE.

WILL
You shut up.

JACK CONTINUES GOING THROUGH WILL'S GROCERIES.

JACK
So what else did ya gat, Mr. Man? More fattening food for your fattening fanny? (HE PINCHES WILL'S BUTT) Hm, pinchin' a couple of inches there.

WILL
Funny, I heard that's what your date said last night.

JACK GASPS

WILL
(cont.)
And will you keep your hands of my ass and outta my basket?

GRACE
(sotto, to Will)
I heard his date said that last night, too.

JACK GASPS.

JACK
Ok, that? Was uncalled for. Tell me, Swiss Miss, when was the last time you had a date?

GRACE
(confused)
Jack, I'm married.

JACK
(dismissively)
Mmhmm, mmhmm... Tell me, Grace, where is this alleged "husband?"

GRACE
...he's in Africa, helping sick people.

JACK
Mmhmm, mmhmm... Tell me, Grace, what is he doing helping sick in Africa? Is he some kind of "doctor?"

GRACE
...yes?

JACK
Mmhmm... Now, Grace...are you sure you just didn't hallucinate all this, sweetie? (HE MOTIONS AT GRACE'S HAIR) Sometimes hair dye, y'know...it can mess with your head. Make ya see husbands that aren't really there.

GRACE LOOKS AT WILL FOR HELP.

WILL
Jack, you were at the wedding, you homo-ron!

JACK
Look, Will, all I'm trying to say is that Grace is very sad and pathetic. Ooh, Gogurt!

JACK JUMPS IN EXCITEMENT AND RUSHES OFFSCREEN.

WILL
(rolling eyes in Jack's direction)
OK, I'm going to the produce section to get stuff for a salad.

GRACE
Jack's right, you know.

WILL
Oh, honey, I know, but the important thing is for you to believe you're not pathetic.

PAUSE

GRACE
I meant about the no-dairy diet.

WILL OPENS HIS MOUTH TO REPLY. A BEAT. HE SCURRIES AWAY.

GRACE
(to herself)
At least I'm not the 'mo who bought the issue of Rolling Stone with Justin TImberlake on the cover. "Just for the articles" my ass. Or, more appropriately, Justin's ass. Heh. Ooh, now I'm talking to myself. Maybe I am pathetic. Or crazy! Woo!

GRACE JOKINGLY SPAZZES OUT. A HANDSOME GUY, ABOUT 28-YEARS OLD, WALKS UP BEHIND GRACE. WE'LL CALL HIM JOHN. CUZ THAT'S HIS NAME.

JOHN
Grace? Grace Adler?

GRACE
What? No! Don't commit me, I was joking!

JOHN
(chuckles)
No, Grace, it's John. John Summers?

GRACE
(recognizing)
John Summers? Oh my God, I haven't seen you in, like, ten years! What are you doing here?

JOHN
Oh, I moved here. (PAUSES FOR A SECOND) It's a little loud sometimes, but the produce guy is really nice about turning down my bed for me. (GRACE LAUGHS) But, yeah, I moved to New York about a year ago. Work at the Kinko's a few blocks from here.

GRACE
Kinko's?

JOHN
Yeah, it was my life's ambition to breathe in toner and get papercuts on a daily basis. Yeap. I'm livin' the dream.

THEY LAUGH.

GRACE
Oh, it's so great to see you! Hey, are you free tonight? You should come have dinner, catch up a little.

JOHN
Yeah, actually, that sounds great.

GRACE
Oh, good! (SHE SIGHS, HAPPILY. A PAUSE.) So, you seein' anyone? (LOWERS HER VOCAL RANGE AND SAYS BUTCHLY) Got a hot little girlfriend?

JOHN
Actually, I'm gay.

WILL ENTERS, HOLDING UP A BIG-ASS CUCUMBER.

WILL
Do you think this is big enough for the tossed salad?

END TEASER


FADE IN ON WILL, GRACE AND JOHN CLEANING UP AFTER DINNER

WILL
So Grace used to baby-sit you back in Schenectady?

JOHN
Yeah, when I was six or so. Or, as I like to call it, "John: The Early Years."

GRACE
Whenever I came over, John would pull out his toys and have Barbie marry G.I. Joe. He was always Barbie. I was always Joe.
(SHE LAUGHS. TRAILS OFF.)
Yeah, I should have known.

WILL
Barbie & G.I. Joe? What happened to Ken? Was he not ready for commitment?

JOHN
Oh, he was, but G.I. Joe didn't like him like that. Ken always spent the weddings in the back row, bitter and chain-smoking.

WILL
Sounds like my Aunt Greta.

GRACE
John's mom made the best cakes. They were so light and fluffy and the frosting was made with real butter... I could have eaten an entire cake.
(SHE LAUGHS)

WILL
Grace.

GRACE
OK, so I did.

JOHN BRINGS A FINAL PLATE TO THE SINK AND WALKS BACK TOWARD THE DINING AREA

JOHN
This is a great apartment. So big. Mine is like the size of a Gucci shoebox. Size and price. Do you guys live here together?

GRACE
We used to. On and off again. Then on again. Then in a different apartment. Then back here. The off again. On again one more time, and then I moved out because I got married.

JOHN
You got married?
(HE BEGINS TO LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY, LIKE THIS IS THE BEST JOKE EVER)
Oh my God! You never used to be able to tell a joke like that!
(HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH. AS THE LAUGH DIES DOWN, HE SAYS)
She's not joking is she?

WILL
(smiling)
Nope.

JOHN
(sighing the contented sigh of having a great laugh)
Ah, congratulations.

GRACE
Yeah, thanks.

JOHN
So, I should get going. I have to pull a double shift tomorrow. Go Kinko's!
(HE LAUGHS, THEN:)
Yeah, that sucks. I'll see you guys around.

WILL
I'll walk you to the elevator.

THEY CROSS TO THE DOOR. JUST AS THEY REACH IT, IT FLIES OPEN AND JACK BURSTS THROUGH. HIS DIALOGUE SHOULD ALL BE IN ONE BREATH.

JACK
(shrill)
Don't you ever leave me in the grocery store again that was unacceptable
(NOTICES JOHN, TONE LOWERS)
Ooh, you're cute, date me
(JOHN GLANCES AT WILL AND BEGINS TO RESPOND)
Offer rescinded, learn to talk faster.

JACK CROSSES TO COUCH

JOHN
What was that?

WILL
God's answer to "What does an oversexed ferret look like?" John, this is Jack.

JACK ROSSES BACK TO JOHN, TAKES HIS HAND, AND BOWS DEEPLY

JACK
(In "refined" British accent)
How do you do?

JOHN
Jack? As in...Big Gay Jack?

GRACE
Oh my God, they actually call you that?

JACK
It's mah street name, yo.

WILL
I thought your street name was P. Faggy?

JOHN
(to Jack)
I heard about you in a couple bars I went to, but I didn't think you actually existed. I figured you were a myth, like Santa Clause or the Tooth...

GRACE
...Fairy?

JACK PUTS HIS BACK TO JOHN'S FRONT AND STARTS DANCING

JACK
Guess whatcha have to put under your pillow to get me to stop buy?

JOHN
(terrified)
Um...Will?

WILL
Jack, what's the square root of 8000?

JACK STOPS DANCING AND GOES CATATONIC. WILL GRABS JOHN'S ARM AND LEADS HIM INTO THE HALLWAY

WILL
Quick, before he recharges.

THEY EXIT, SHUTTING THE DOOR. AFTER A SECOND, JACK SLOWLY STARTS DANCING AGAIN UNTIL HE'S DANCING AT FULL SPEED. HE REALIZES JOHN ISN'T THERE ANYMORE AND LOOKS AROUND. HE TURNS TO GRACE, CONFUSED. GRACE SHRUGS WORDLESSLY.

CUT TO HALLWAY. JOHN & WILL ARE WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR

WILL
That was fun.

JOHN
Yeah, it was great meeting you and seeing Grace again. I'm so glad she got rid of the bangs.

THEY LAUGH

WILL
We should do this again sometime.

JOHN
Yeah, except maybe...without Grace?

WILL
I'd like that. Saturday night? I could show you around the city, what you haven't seen at least. I could take you to all the places where none of Jack's monikers will follow us.

JOHN
Or we could go to a concert? I won an employee lottery to see Christina and Justin. I mean, Xtina and J. Tim.

WILL
Sounds like a plan.

JOHN
Very cool.
(HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT HIS BUSINESS CARD)
Here's my number. Gimme a call.

WILL TAKES THE CARD

WILL
You have your own card?

JOHN
Well, I do work at Kinko's.
(THE ELEVATOR ARRIVES)
I'll see you later, Will.

WILL
Bye.

THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES WITH JOHN INSIDE JUST AS THE APARTMENT DOOR OPENS. GRACE RUSHES OUT AND SHUTS THE DOOR QUICKLY.

WILL
What's wrong?

GRACE
Jack has a date tonight. He's...plucking things. Things that ought not be plucked. (SHE SHUDDERS, NOTICES WILL'S EXUBERANT SMILE) Whoa, what's up with you? Why you smilin'?

WILL
I...
(HE SMOOTHLY SLIDES FROM WHERE HE'S STANDING TO JUST NEXT TO GRACE)
...have a date.

GRACE
A what?

WILL
A date.

GRACE
With who?

WILL
With John.

GRACE
(not liking this idea)
The guy I baby-sit for?

WILL
(not noticing Grace's lack of enthusiasm)
Babysat for, Grace. If I were dating a guy who still needed a babysitter, then I'd be dating…well, Jack. Besides, I'm just showing him around the city, it's not a big deal.

GRACE
Oh.
(SHE SMILES SO BIG WE CAN SEE HER MOLARS.)
Well that's great. I'm glad. You should date more, Solitary McSinglepants. Single McSolitudinous. Lonesome McLonely-Lonliness.

WILL
If you're done listing off the characters in "Angela's Aphorisms," can we go inside?

WILL CROSSES TO OPEN DOOR. JUST AS HE REACHES IT, IT IS FLUNG OPEN AND JACK SCURRIES OUT

JACK
Hasta la-poopie! I've got a date with Robert at eight.

WILL
I thought you had a date with Ryan at nine?

JACK
Oh, I do.

GRACE
And a date with Dan at ten?

JACK
(closes his eyes, smiles, nods his head)
Yes, yes.

GRACE
Jack, how do you get so many dates with so many people and get away with it?

JACK
Well, Grace, you know that trick peopled o where they tie cherry stems in a knot with their tongue? (IN ONEBREATH) I can do that with a banana peel. Toodles!

WILL LOOKS AT GRACE AND NODS AFFIRMATIVELY. GRACE LOOKS NAUSEATED. OFF HER LOOK, WE END SCENE


CAMERA TRACK OF THE CITY (STOCK FOOTAGE, WHATEVER), CUT TO GRACE ADLER DESIGNS. GRACE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, WORKING ON A SKETCH. SHE SHOULD BE WEARING A LARGE TURQUOISE NECKLACE AND LEATHER SKIRT. SHE'S NOT IN THE BEST OF MOODS. KAREN ENTERS.

KAREN
(cheerfully)
Oh, honey, look at you! That's a pretty necklace, can I see it?

GRACE
Thank you, Karen!

GRACE REMOVES HER NEKLACE AND HANDS IT TO KAREN. KAREN TAKES IT, CROSSES TO THE WINDOW, AND TOSSES THE NECKLACE OUTSIDE WITH SO MUCH AS LOOKING AT IT. SHE TURNS AND CROSSES BACK TO HER DESK

KAREN
(seriously)
Never again.

GRACE
(deadpan)
What would I do without you, Karen?

KAREN
Probably run around in God-awful clothes, reeking of Designer Imposter perfume, with your hair unwashed and tangled like a cave-woman.
(KAREN LOOKS AT GRACE)
Oh! Too late!
(SHE LAUGHS)

GRUMPY, GRACE GOES BACK TO HER WORK. SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY TO HERSELF EVERY NOW AND THEN. WE HEAR WORDS LIKE 'WILL' AND 'JOHN' AND 'I HAD HIM FIRST.' EAH TIME SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY, KAREN FIXES HER WITH A FRIGHTENED LOOK

KAREN
Honey, what's up, what's wrong, what's happening with you? Why do you sound like you need a couple of my blue bippies?

GRACE
It's nothing.

KAREN
(Brightly)
Ok!

KAREN GOES BACK TO WORK DOING WHATEVER KAREN DOES AT HER DESK: FILING MAGAZINES, DRINKING, PILLS...TYPICAL KAREN STUFF.

GRACE
That's it? "Ok?" I'm talking to myself like I'm Joan of Arc and hearing God, and all you say is "Ok?"

KAREN
(incredulously)
Well, Gracie, you said nothing was wrong and since I didn't care in the first place, I didn't see a need to press the matter.

GRACE
(forceful, out of nowhere)
Where does Will get off dating the guy I used to baby-sit for?

KAREN
Whu?

GRACE
How did they connect so quickly? I baby-sat for him first!

KAREN
Zuh?

GRACE
(mocking Will)
"I...(slides, stumbles)...have a date." Couldn't he have waited a couple of days before rubbing it in my face?

KAREN
Phwa?

GRACE
Exactly! Phwa!

KAREN
Honey, hang on a sec! Let a girl gather her thoughts before you dump something like this on her!
(SHE CHUGS AN OVERSIZED MARTINI)
Okay, hit me again.

JACK ENTERS

JACK
Hello beautiful people! And Grace.
(GRACE SHOOTS JACK A LOOK)
Ooh. What's wrong, Bedhead Red?
(HE REGARDS HER HAIR AND OUTFIT)
Living in the Land of the Lost?

KAREN
Seriously, not all cows are meant to be worn. Just Rosario!

JACK AND KAREN LAUGH

JACK
Seriously now. What's bunchin' your panties today?

GRACE
Will.

KAREN
(scoffs)
There's a new one.

JACK
Will what?

GRACE
Has a date.

JACK
With who?

GRACE
With John.

JACK
Who?

GRACE
John! The guy at the apartment last night!

JACK
Oohhhh. See, in my mind, I call him Zeke. For that? Is what I call him in my mind.
(HE SITS IN GRACE'S CHAIR, CROSSES HIS LEGS, SWINGS ONE LEG UP AND DOWN)
How is Zeke doing after I dumped him? Is he okay? Is he dealing?

GRACE
Jack, you didn't dump him. You asked him out on a date and then turned him down before he could tell you he doesn't date outside his species.

KAREN
Oh, I get it honey, you're upset because little Zeke-y doesn't date people with girly-parts.

JACK
(sotto)
He's datin' Will.

GRACE
(to Jack)
You shut it.
(to Karen)
His name is John and that is not why I'm upset, so stow it, St. Pauli's Girl. And will you remember that I'm freaking married?
(SHE SHOWS KAREN HER ENGAGEMENT/WEDDING RING. KAREN JUST YAWNS)
It's just…I baby-sat for Jon first! He's mine! And then Will has to date him? Who does that?! And that's so outta line for John to date my best friend. Bah!

KAREN
Now I get it. You're upset because if John and Will get together, you won't have anyone to homo-sit! Yeah! Aw honey, here. Let's role-play.
(KAREN CRAWLS UP ON GRACE'S DESK AND BEGINS TO FUSS LIKE A BABY)
Wah wah wah, I'm Will! Change me! Feed me! Dye my gray hair! I'm a grown-ass man with control issues but I still need my hag's approval on everything I do! Wah wah!

GRACE
Hey! Baby Jane! Give it a rest!

JACK
Ha ha ha! Gray hair! Hag! Ha ha ha! (SERIOUS) It's funny 'cuz it's true.

GRACE TWEAKS JACK'S NOSE

GRACE
Do you mind?

KAREN
Gracie, I'm just trying to make you feel better!

GRACE
Actually, you did. You made me realize how completely irrational I'm acting. It would be great if John and Will got together. I'd love to see Will in a happy relationship. I'll put my best face forward--(to Jack and Karen) shut up--and just let it go. Whaddaya think?

JACK
Hee! I can make my hands fart!

JACK CLASPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER AND PUMPS THEM, MAKING THEM FART. KAREN RACES OVER TO JACK, GIDDY.

KAREN
Ooh, honey, show me how! I wanna!

JACK SHOWS KAREN HOW TO DO IT, AND THE TWO STAND THERE, MAKING THEIR HANDS FART. GRACE LOOKS AT THEM, UNBELIEVING, AND GRABS HER COAT.

GRACE
I have to go meet a client. Take it outside if you teach your hands to do anything else.

END SCENE


OPEN ON HALLWAY TO WILL'S APARTMENT. JOHN & WILL EXIT THE ELEVATOR. THEY'RE IN KIND OF A SHOCKED STATE.

JOHN
Well. That was...interesting.

WILL
Yeah, it was really...interesting.

JOHN
Was it legal for her to do that onstage?

WILL
Speaking as a lawyer..I have no idea if that was legal anywhere. I'm still not sure entirely what she did.

JOHN
At least Justin was great.

TOGETHER
(dreamily)
Mmm...Justin.

JOHN
Did you see the Rolling Stone with him on the cover?

WILL
You know, I think I did, but I really only read it for the articles.

THEY WALK THE TWO STEPS TO WILL'S APARTMENT. PAUSE.

WILL
So...here's my apartment.

JOHN
Mmhmm.

WILL
My apartment. Right here.

JOHN
Yes.

WILL
Apartment. Mine. Here.

JOHN NODS

JOHN
Normally this is where I'd kiss you, but I don't kiss on the first date.

WILL
Wow, that's quite a dilemma.

JOHN
Someone should do something about it.

WILL
Ok. Jon, would you like to go out with me again?

JOHN
I'd love to go out with you again. Where should we go?

WILL
How 'bout the hallway to my apartment? There's a wonderful view, and if Mr. Zamir is at home, it smells just like the canals of Venice.

JOHN
Sounds great!

PAUSE

WILL
Wow, that was a great second date!

JOHN
And how!

JOHN LEANS IN AND KISSES WILL. NOTHING TOO EXTREME, WE ARE ON BASIC CABLE HERE. WILL SMILES.

WILL
Would you like to come in for coffee? Unless you have to work tomorrow. Or if you have an aversion to late-night coffee. Or coffee in general. We could not have coffee. There could be no caffeine at all.

JOHN
I don't work Sunday's, and coffee would be great.

WILL
(chuckles)
Great.

THE TWO ENTER WILL'S APARTMENT. CAMERA PANS OVER TO JACK'S APARTMENT. THE DOOR SLOWLY OPENS. JACK AND KAREN POKE THEIR HEADS OUT, ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER LIKE A TOTEM POLE. THEY SLOWLY WALK OVER TO WILL'S AS THEY SPEAK.

JACK
(overly shocked)
John! Going inside Will's apartment? On a Saturday night? After a date in which they saw two of pop's biggest divas bump and grind on other men? They can't just be having coffee! Grace will be so mad!

KAREN
(over clueless)
But Jackie, whatever do you mean? Grace said she had no problem with Will dating John!

JACK
(overly concerned)
I don't know, Kare, Perhaps we should call Grace and find out.

KAREN
(also overly concerned)
Poodle, maybe we should just let it be. After all, it is none of our business. Why meddle, and cause trouble?

JACK
(overly calm)
You're right, Karen. It's not in our character to stir up trouble. Let's just leave well enough alone. No is our time to be quiet. (HE ZIPS HIS LIPS AND THROWS AWAY THE KEY)

PAUSE

JACK
I get to dial!

HE RUNS OFF. KAREN RACES AFTER

KAREN
Put it on speakerphone! I wanna hear her head explode!

JACK'S DOOR SLAMS SHUT. END SCENE.


That's all I got right now. I'm trying to figure out exactly what's going to happen next. I have the situation set up, I just don't know what the characters are saying at the moment. anyway, Please let me know what you think. I'm really proud of this one, because it's a script I worked on all by myself and I'm just really...proud of it.