Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Blue Duck's LiveJournal:

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Friday, October 10th, 2008
11:38 am	hmm, motivated, but misguided? I'm finally motivated, but motivated to do the biggest stuff purge since I moved out of my parents' house, and that stuff purge was mostly motivated by the boyfriend-at-the-time. I would probably have kept everything if I could. I have bags and bags of crap piled up in the living room that has survived the last seven or eight moves. I just got the kitchen table out of the attic and tossed it in the dumpster (no great loss - it was from my great grandmother's house and I think a remnant of the seventies... the orange chairs may soon follow). I haven't made final plans to move or anything, I just have this urge to get rid of stuff. Which isn't exactly what I should be working on, but I still have some time to accomplish what I should be working on and this isn't the worst use of time, so hell. Whatever. At least I'm not hiding in bed today. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 9th, 2008
10:43 am	ahh And we've hit the "rather than actually deal with anything anymore, we're going to sleep through everything" phase. Admirable, Duck. -Eyeroll- .... GET UP!!! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
4:41 pm	Dear World, Could you maybe stop raining shit on me and mine for 5 seconds so I could breath? Thanks. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
6:07 pm	Really... how much, and how long do the men in my life have to bleed for who they are or what they've done, and why do I have to watch, and feel the pain as if it were my own? What am I to learn from this? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:36 am	I've told myself over time that I'm not a particularly competetive person. I think it's probably healthier to be truthful with myself about this sort of thing. :P A little more productive today. Still rather in hiding, but I guess that's okay. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2008
9:31 am	Mom and Dad wanted to see me yesterday but were helping Grandpa cut down and cut apart a giant partly dead tree. I arrived to find Uncle K using Grandpa's backhoe (purchased used several years back to dig out the pond in back) in an utterly failed attempt to dig out the enormous stump. I helped cousin B use the gas-powered wood splitter (didn't know they had such things!) to split huge logs that Dad had cut off the tree earlier. It was all this comical vision of yuppie tool use. The heartwood was difficult to split and in places had the look of bones complete with marrow. In the end, Mom and Dad had the back of Grandpa's pickup and two trailers full of logs. I think it'll fill their fireplace through this winter and more. It was nice to spend some time outside semi-working. There was a bonfire of the twigs and leaves from the top of tree too, which was a nice thing. Uncle K asked if I would be running the Turkey Trot in Detroit this year. I said only if he'd pick me up - last time I tried I got lost in Detroit, couldn't find parking, turned around and went home demoralized. Uncle K put my already-paid-for timing chip on his other foot, which actually crossed the finish line before his timing chip, and brought me home the sweatshirt. I'm feeling a little bit better today and got so far as writing a list of some things I ought to get accomplished. Maybe I'll actually get some work done today. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 5th, 2008
2:00 pm	Ugh Just ugh. I'm sick of myself. I feel like poop. I've been dwelling in misery and woundedness, keep verging on deciding that I'm sick of that and picking myself up again, only to be heavily reminded of it and sinking myself back into the hole of sullen, miserable and wounded again. I'm wallowing. I hate wallowing, but apparently, at the moment, not enough to stop wallowing. Gah. Gross. I'm also hiding. I actually put up the hood on my hoodie so I wouldn't have to talk to anybody for a little bit while in public yesterday. It worked for a little bit, too. I only answer my phone for people I know will freak out if I don't, and sometimes not for them. Thirdly, I'm being a big coward. I'm not moving forward on anything, and I've reverted almost completely to timid mouse-girl mode. I'm putting everything off because everything overwhelms me right now. I don't like any of this. It is not good at all. (10 Comments |Comment on this)
9:22 am	Yeaahhhh... still pretty fragile. :P Really don't like that very much. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 4th, 2008
11:14 am	thinking some stuff through Sometimes being in control of my ownself might mean hurting others. Emotionally, I mean. Not physically. Well, very occasionally that might mean physically, but only if others are very stupid. I've been prepared for that possibility for a long time. But anyway, it seems like I've been letting people tread on me emotionally my whole life, and rather than stand up for myself, for fear of hurting them emotionally, I not only let them do it but turn the anger I should feel at them for violating those boundaries inward on myself. That's pretty sucky, come to think of it. So now I need to re-train myself. And I'm a little afraid of turning into a world-class bitch from it. Which is kinda-sorta why I've been screwing this up all along in the first place - see, my grandma is a world-class bitch and I really never ever want to end up like that. But I really don't want to end up like I have been in the last little while here either. Thus, some sort of better balance is going to have to be struck. And some sort of reckoning is going to have to be made. :( (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 3rd, 2008
8:07 pm	humm I'm still fairly paused, now that I'm home. I've been doing very little. I feel pretty fragile, and the fact that I'm being treated as such by everyone who knows me well doesn't much help. Eventually I'm going to have to find faith in my own strength again if I'm going to use it, and that means... well, trying. Risking some failure. Meh. :/ Got some possible adversity to face this very weekend as a matter of fact. Wee-hah. Maybe I can even avoid slinking away with my tail between my legs. It's good to have goals. :P (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
3:22 pm	one thing to consider (out of a long list of possible life-changing things) Aunt L has offered to let me stay with her in her house in Canton indefinately rent-free. This would take a lot of (though nowhere near all) financial pressure off me, making it easier for me to work part-time assuming the day job would allow it. I lived with her in the past for about two months and it wasn't bad at all; the only reason I moved out was that I wanted to move in with my then-boyfriend and he was suddenly getting an apartment. She's tired of being alone in a big house and she'd like to help me out. She bought the place with a woman she thought she'd be with for a long time, but they broke up awhile back. It's an intriguing idea. Buuuut... I like having my own place. I like living in Ann Arbor. Moving in with a relative feels like the DEATH OF ALL INDEPENDENCE. On the other hand, she has a hottub. She's non-judgemental; she's kind of the black sheep of the family herself and is mostly grateful to me for not being a judgemental butthole to her like most of the rest of them. Being in Canton might open up an affluent client base to me. On still another hand, she has an unstable girlfriend and a penchant for meeting those on the internet. :/ Moving out there would add a half hour commute to pretty much everywhere I would need or want to be. Mom suggested I could snag the basement for max privacy and it's not a bad idea. I still wouldn't have my own bathroom or kitchen or whatnot, but the basement's not small, and... well, yeah. I'm thinking about it. Getting out of my lease here would be not a small thing, but doable. 30 days' notice and two month's rent. Lame. But possibly worth it with savings. Please note I'm not looking for excessive advice here people - you can add a cent or two if you want but I've had so much of people telling me what to do for the last month that I'm about full up... just mulling over. Thanks! (9 Comments |Comment on this)
2:11 pm	Yeah I kinda wish I was back in California. :/ (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
8:53 am	exit stage up I'm flying home today. Not looking forward to a day of traveling. I like taking off and landing; everything in between is no fun. I'm not at all afraid of flying; I just hate being cooped up. As unsure as I was of wanting to come out here, I'm unsure I want to go home now. I'm missing gypsy jazz and J's gallery show. J took Pirate and me to his shop last night. This was after making us, from scratch, sauceless pizza with yams and onions on it which was wonderful. His forge is run on a hairdryer. He says it cost $250 to make. He let us pound out some swirls and stuff and he made me a hook. Pirate was very very happy. I was pretty happy too. He's got a good thing going out here. I guess if nothing else, I've learned there's hope in California. I'm lucky. I've got an amazing brother, and if things get super bad in Michigan again his doorstep is not the worst escape plan in the world. Pirate and I spent the daytime hours together again yesterday pounding the pavement exploring the city. I figured out the BART all by myself which made me feel ready for big-girl-pants. :P We checked out Castro and saw sex toys that might even make shennan blush. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2008
6:48 pm	paused I'm trying to have fun and be at peace out here, and at times that's happening, but at other times the problems come back and haunt my head and I'm not here anymore; I'm back in Michigan, lost and not knowing how to move forward, stuck on pause. I walked forever today. The Pirate showed me live toads, huge ones, in a bag. Apparently people eat them. There were also chickens, pheasants, snails bigger than my fist and shrimps that were all alive, waiting to be purchased so they could be made dead and eaten. This was, of course, in Chinatown. I bought bread and fruit for the bro and me to eat later. Pirate and I also bought the biggest, most delicious sesame balls we had ever seen and ate them like bandits. We went to the ocean and hung out and I bought cups for his apartment, where he only has two (not an exaggeration). We sat on a bench and watched a man in a dog suit make three dogs wear hats and pose for pictures for money from tourists. He seems to make a pretty good living doing this. Earlier we ate lunch in a rooftop garden. San Francisco is a very pretty city. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 28th, 2008
8:46 am	Sunny California It's very beautiful here. A nice setting and a safe haven from which to contemplate exactly how to piece things back together. I was pretty torn about coming, but am mostly glad I came. Bro's apartment - no, not apartment, he keeps correcting me, it's a room in a compound - is perfect. He gave me the loft he made of steel and plywood with a futon on top. There are two rooms and a bathroom that are his with a big sliding door to the courtyard, lots of his art hanging around. It's like, 70s art deco done in brown, red, black and steel with lots of floating eyeballs and tentacles. It doesn't sound peaceful but is. It turned out my Grammy and her husband were here to see him when I arrived so we've been hanging out with them the last couple of days. That's been a lesson in patience and slowing down, which is what the Universe seems to be pushing on me right now anyway, so alright. That's not to say I don't like them, because I do, very much. Anyway, because of that, we haven't done all that much yet. Today, we're going to the beach with the Pirate and her boy and some of the Bro's friends. I didn't bring a bathing suit even though the one thing I said I wanted to do when anyone asked me was go to a beach. So I'm going to be hanging out in a sports bra and shorts, looks like. It'll work. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
9:28 pm	notes from my current surreality I'll be flying to California on Thursday and coming back next Wednesday. I'll be staying with my brother and hopefully getting to spend some time with La Pirate too. I'm typing from a laptop my mom had basically lying under a chair at home... which is better than the broken one in the shop or any one they have for sale that I could afford for the price of repairing the broken one. This 2.5 year old lump of mine is definitely a hernia. I'll be talking to a surgeon about whether anything needs to be done about it sometime soon. I should probably also give the oral surgeon a call about my wisdom teeth too since I have some time off from most stuff right at the moment. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 22nd, 2008
4:11 pm	ashes I'm back. Things were bad. Now they're gray. Now I find the colors, one by one, and discard them, put them back, or find new ones. The old picture fell apart and now I have to make a new one. Turns out, I'm no superhero after all. Now to figure out what to be instead. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 12th, 2008
8:43 am	thrown off I got hit by a bicyclist while walking on the sidewalk last night. Given everything, I find this fitting and darkly funny. She was fine; I'm scraped and bruised. No biggie. I have other hurts on my mind. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 11th, 2008
8:59 am	It's been a hysterical few days while I buckle under the pressure. It took a big slap in the face to straighten up, but I've straightened up. It seems very straightforward to me just now. I must simply become stronger. Cut the bullshit and grow. Best get started. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
4:47 pm	Ohhh, man, why am I the ugliest person on earth? I have got to do something about the rec center photo... :( (6 Comments |Comment on this)