Title: And I guess that I don't know (Part Three)
Category: fan fiction, role play, chapter
Genre: romance/angst
Date: October 2005 - unfinished

hyde – Ren onegreysunrise/bloodied_quill
tetsu – Kit togiretamelody (Chapters 1-4 – Ryo tetchan_69)
ken – Amaya amaya_kazuki

And I guess that I don't know
Part Three: "doki doki" – October 21, 2005
Paring – tetsuxhyde, one sided

(Part One) (Part Two)

After the way things went the last time they spoke, it’s really no surprise that tetsu and hyde haven’t spoken for so long. Should they have put it off even longer?

tetsu sighed heavily, taking off his glasses and rubbing his tired eyes. It had been a two weeks--no more than two weeks--since he left hyde's house. He couldn't really remember, but he hadn't talked to hyde since. What was supposed to be his time to heal was becoming a time of mental torture. He was debating rather or not to just give up on the silence and call hyde. Or scream. He wasn't sure which would be more satisfying.

Two weeks. Not quite, but almost. hyde had debated calling tetsu several times during this period, and each time found reasons, excuses, not to. He was busy; that was his favorite excuse. He'd had his son with him over the weekend. He'd had things to do with his solo music. He was supposed to be working on things. But they were excuses, and nothing more. Really, he just didn't know what to say. The more he thought about it, the more he resented that tetsu had ever said a word. How could he have expected hyde to just forget what had happened with Gackt and magically fall for someone else? How could he expect that hyde would have felt that way for him? How did he expect that hyde would even know tetsu was gay? Was he gay? Was he bi? Come to think of it, hyde didn't even know that. Well, the distinction wasn't important at the moment.
The important issue was that hyde didn't know how to deal with it. Of course, the overwhelming sense of loss from the failure of his relationship with Gackt was fading. He couldn't dwell on it forever. Nothing was forever. He wasn't trying to forget--he didn't want to. But get on with it--that he could and had to do. So why couldn't tetsu do the same? He'd pondered that question more than was healthy since he'd shut his door on tetsu for the last time. He hadn't lost anything but an idea--was it really that big a deal? Maybe. Maybe not. He'd certainly seemed convinced it was--crying, and, frankly, begging for something that hyde couldn't give. If anything, more now than before, hyde didn't want to deal with that. Such...need.
But tetsu was....well, tetsu. It didn't matter that tetsu could be like that, pitiful and, even pathetic. It only took a few days to get over the anger at tetsu's blatant disregard for hyde's feelings. He just wanted things back...to normal, if there ever was such a thing. Unfortunately, hyde wasn't overly hopeful that tetsu would let them be that way. So he didn't call. He'd wait. Let tetsu have his time to forget, or whatever it was he would do. And if he wouldn't...that was an issue to deal with another day. Week. Century. So he ignored it as best he could, doing things as he normally would, and pushing away the urge to try to fix things--he didn't want to risk finding out that he couldn't.
tetsu bit his lip. Simply staring at the phone wouldn't do anything. If he wanted to call hyde, he'd have to pick it up and dial...but every time he reached for it, he would pause and draw back. tetsu was too tired to even be annoyed with himself. He moved quickly so he wouldn't be able to quit. Lifting the phone to his ear, he let out the breath he'd been holding. Now to dial...Once he'd correctly entered hyde's number, his breath stilled again in a mix of fear, uncertainty, and anticipation.
hyde looked up from his papers at the phone. It was ringing, wasn't it? hyde sighed, hardly wanting to look at the caller ID. If it was his manager, or anyone from work, for that matter, he wasn't answering. Alright, he would, but he'd tell himself he wouldn't, anyway. He set down his pen and looked. tetsu. Well, that was a surprise. He wouldn't admit it to himself--as best he could, in any case--that it was a pleasant one. He reached to answer it, holding off for three rings. It was almost like a game - he refused to seem like he'd been waiting for the call. Refused to admit he'd been waiting for the call, even though he had. And yet, as he brought the phone to his ear, he almost dreaded to hear what would be said. "Moshi moshi." He answered as though he didn't know who was calling, even though that was rarely the case. All part of the game--what game, he didn't even know anymore.
tetsu hesitated, wanting more than anything to just hang up now. "Hey...tetsu desu," he said once he'd found his voice.
hyde sounded genuinely surprised as he replied, "Hey, tetsu. How are you?" He made a face at how well he'd faked the emotion. Was it acting, or had he really become that much of a liar? Perhaps it was both. But there wasn't time to wonder about that now.
"Tired," tetsu said truthfully, but wouldn't let on anymore than that. "Have you been eating regularly?" tetsu didn't bother with a 'how are you' or a 'how've you been', instead cutting straight to the point. He didn't want to be on the phone longer than he had to. It was too much, too soon, even though he had been the one who called. However, tetsu had to admit it felt awkward to just dive right into conversation as if nothing had happened...and at the same time, he felt relieved at hearing hyde's voice.
hyde hadn't expected that question at all. Perhaps he should have, since tetsu had been so hung up on it before, but the idea had never even crossed his mind. Probably because the real answer was 'mostly', so he'd had no particular reason to dwell on the topic. Well, if that's how it was going to be, he could deal. "Yeah." He answered simply, not wanting to make an argument out of this.
"Good," tetsu mumbled, scratching his neck. "Ano...how've you been?" he asked now, though a little late.
hyde hesitated. He didn't actually know what words would fit the real answer to that...so he didn't try all that hard. "Busy, I guess. Fine enough." His tone was as simple as the answer. It was true, in any case. It didn't give the whole picture, but that was alright.
tetsu coughed and shifted in his chair, leaning forward onto the table top. He really wasn't liking this anymore. "Doihachirou...are you still upset with me?"
Well, that was blunt. Very. Yet another thing hyde hadn't been expecting. He should have, really. tetsu had been rather up-front about things before; why wouldn't he be now? Despite his surprise, hyde found an answer easily. He knew the answer perfectly well. Perhaps he couldn't understand the reasons behind it, but he knew the answer. "No."
"...I want to apologize for some of the stuff I said...There was really no reason to yell or call names...I'm sorry..." He wouldn't, however, apologize for confessing his feelings. There was no reason to--in his mind at least.
hyde sighed softly. This was...uncomfortable. Hearing the apology made the actions seem real again, when he'd been trying to forget about them. "It's alright." It was, in a way. hyde could easily believe that tetsu hadn't meant a lot of what he'd said. Now if only he could not have meant the feeling behind it...that would be perfect.
tetsu lapsed into a long silence. Hearing hyde's voice had triggered something and he didn't want to do this anymore. "doihachirou...I've got to go now...I'll call you again later..." He paused, and then added very softly, "Do you think we could meet up sometime this weekend?"
Yet another surprise--tetsu was full of them, it seemed. Why call when he didn't have time to stay on the phone? tetsu was more sensible than that, and hyde knew it. He suspected tetsu was just getting off the phone because he no longer wanted to be on it. But that was understandable. And yet he wanted to see him? It didn't make sense. Didn't fit. And it didn't matter. "Okay."
"Thank you..." he mumbled though he didn't know why. Because he really wanted to see him? Because he thought hyde would say no? Whatever. "Ja ne," he said even softer before hanging up. Would seeing hyde be harder than talking to him? tetsu prayed that wouldn't be the case.
hyde heard the phone click before he could even say goodbye. He set the phone down and looked at it for a moment. Why did it have to be like this? There wasn't an answer, and hyde wouldn't ask the question again. He went back to his papers. They were simple. It was nice.
tetsu did as he said he would and called hyde later. Though it was more like an hour later, not even a long enough amount of time for anyone to believe he had been doing anything important. And he hadn't. When hyde answered he gave his usual introduction and then came right out with the question. "Will you come over?" He didn't even asked if hyde could or if he wanted to.
hyde looked up at the phone. He hadn't moved since the last time it rang, trying to finish these lyrics. He hadn't gotten that much done. The caller ID showed that it was tetsu again. That was a surprise, even though it probably shouldn't have been. He answered, and was surprised again at tetsu's greeting. He hesitated. Should he go? Yeah. Nothing would get settled by ignoring it, even if he'd like to think it would. "Yeah."
tetsu was surprised. So surprised that he didn't know what to say. Somehow, he managed to get his act together, "So...when's a good time for you?" Any time was fine with him--and if he had plans, he'd cancel them.
hyde thought about this briefly. "Sometime between now and tomorrow afternoon." Despite the fact that he was rather concerned with how this could turn out, he was rather calm.
"Nn...sounds good," tetsu said a little too quickly. Why was he so hopeful again? He had no reason to be. Then again, hyde wasn't saying no to anything, or rejecting invitations...Maybe he had thought things over? tetsu hoped too much sometimes, and he didn't want to believe that this was one of those times.
"Mhm." hyde paused briefly. "So you decide. It doesn't matter to me."
tetsu took a breath, pausing to consider this. "What's today...Friday?"
"Yeah." And tetsu didn't know this why? hyde wondered that briefly, but decided it didn't matter.
"Ah...ok...how about tomorrow then?" He let out his breath, hoping he didn't sound too foolish for forgetting the days. He had his reasons...
"Alright." hyde paused. What was he walking into, exactly? "In the morning, though. I have plans for the afternoon."
"That's fine," tetsu said, again a bit too quickly. He didn't want to sound desperate for hyde's company, but he was.
hyde almost picked up on this. He could guess at it, but he wouldn't assume. "Alright." He hesitated slightly. Again, he wondered if this was the right decision. "Then give me a call in the morning."
"I will," he said, this time acting more casual. He was a bad actor. "I'll let you go now...I've got to get back to some things..." What things? No things. "I'll call you tomorrow." He looked forward to it.
"Alright. Talk to you tomorrow then." tetsu was indeed a bad actor, and hyde had his suspicions. But they weren't worth thinking about.
"Ja ne," he replied. After he hung up the phone, he slumped against the table with his hand over his heart. "Uah...doki doki..." He was nervous even though the phone call had ended and he was anxious for tomorrow.
hyde set down the phone and again went back to his work. This time, it was futile, and he gave up after only a few minutes to find something that required less concentration.

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