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Title: And I guess that I don't know (Part Five)
Category: fan fiction, role play, chapter
Genre: romance/angst
Date: October 2005 - unfinished

hyde – Ren onegreysunrise/bloodied_quill
tetsu – Kit togiretamelody (Chapters 1-4 – Ryo tetchan_69)
ken – Amaya amaya_kazuki

And I guess that I don't know
Part Five: no big deal - October 27, 2005
Paring – tetsuxhyde (one-sided)
Characters in this section – ken, hyde

(Part One ) (Part Two ) (Part Three) (Part Four)

ken reads hyde’s LiveJournal and realizes something is up with him. He calls to ask about it.


It took a while to think about involving himself in something he didn't want to do. ken was on his third cigarette as he paced back and forth. Something was up, and reading hyde's last LJ entry had showed him that was something definitely wrong. Although he had to do a lot of thinking because he could have been wrong--but no, it was obvious. He took a seat on his couch. He dialed hyde's number...been a while since they had talked since the tour was over and ken was working with S.O.A.P. He listened to it ring and waited to see if hyde would pick up.
hyde looked at the caller ID and found a surprise. ken? Odd. And out of the blue. He answered. "Moshi moshi?"
"Oi…hyde. This is ken. What's up man?" he said in a cheery voice.
Well, ken sure sounded happy. "Hey. Nothing much, really. What's up with you?" His tone was friendly. Not as cheery as ken's, but certainly pleasant enough.
"Same shit...you know working with the band. Getting ready for the lives. All that boring stuff." He chuckled. "How's your solo stuff going?" hyde sounded alright, but sooner or later he was going to bring up his journal and ask what was going on.
"It's fine. Performances coming up this Friday through Monday. Busy, but, that's a good thing." hyde didn't have to make an effort to sound alright. At the moment, he wasn't thinking about tetsu or any other stuff he didn't want to deal with. He'd gotten focused on work, and managed to forget it. It wouldn't do any good to dwell on it, anyway. That wouldn't fix the problem.
"Aww...you sound dull, hyde. Go have so fun. As they say...all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." He laughed at that American saying, grabbing for another cigarette and the lighter from the table.
hyde laughed softly. "I'm sorry, ken, but I'm really certain that Jack is not a part of my name. I'll be fine."
"Well if someone gets pissed...then anyone can be named Jack....along with the word following it. Which is ass. Jackass." Once again he laughed at the joke he made but then got serious. Time to cut all the bullshit. "hyde...what the hell was your journal entry about and what is going on?" He was blunt and straight to the point.
hyde had chuckled slightly at ken's stupid joke, but he stopped when ken's tone turned serious. His good, or rather, decent mood died with ken's question. He hesitated before telling ken nothing but a flat out lie. "Nothing. I mean, it was just a meme and a song, wasn't it? I had just played that song and it was stuck in my head." When had he reached the point that his lies sounded just like his truth?
"Uh huh...Look, man. I don't buy it. Sorry, but that sounds like bullshit to me. 'Fearless' leader seems to have something wrong with him, too." ken shook his head. Who did hyde think he was fooling? ken took his cigarette into his mouth, taking the Zippo lighter and flicking it on. He lit up the cylinder and closed the lighter with a snap. "The songs are also a sign...and if there is something up, then just say there is. And if you don't want to talk about it then say that, too. There is no need to lie about it."
hyde blinked a moment. No need to lie about it? There was every reason to lie about it. The last thing he needed was ken involved. "I don't know about tetsu, ken, but I think I can judge what's going on in my own life. Okay? It's nothing." Such a damn liar.
"Sometimes you’re like a brat, but, whatever. Keep lying to yourself, 'cause that shit ain't working on me. I've known you for 14 damn years. So, hyde, try again with someone else." Ken was dead serious and didn't ease up, but he couldn't pressure anyone to tell him what was going on. Yet he did want answers. Why else would he call if he didn't want to know what was going on?
hyde sighed. "It's nothing you need to worry about." It wasn't worth pretending nothing was going on; it probably wasn't convincing. His entry had linked to the lyrics to "nemuri ni yosete." How could that not be taken as an indication that something was wrong?
"I wouldn't have wasted my time if I was not worried...so try again, hyde." He said that once again. ken normally would be joking and most times being silly, but this was no time to be that way.
hyde made a short, quiet noise of frustration. "Well, then stop worrying. It's no big deal." The details of what was going on between him and tetsu weren't ken's business as far as hyde was concerned. Besides. What use would it be to say anything? ken couldn't fix it.
"You're an asshole when you want to be...you do a good job of it. Fine. I will leave you alone about it; I worried 'cause I thought I was considered your friend...so much weird ass shit has gone on with you and I didn't ask, just accepted, but now it seems your falling deeper into some shit that you got yourself into." He paused and took a drag from his cigarette before speaking again. He raised his voice just a touch. "Funny how you say it's not a big deal, 'cause that is when I really know your lying. So I will let you go. If you want to stop being an asshole, give me a call. Other than that...sorry for thinking I was your friend." All he wanted to do was know what was going on. Now he was not starting to not give a shit, but he definitely was going to ask tetsu was going on with him. "Ja." And with that ken hung up his phone, going over towards the liquor cabinet for something strong.
hyde listened to the phone click. ken's words stung. A lot. He set it down and stared at it, realizing that it had gone out of focus. Not because he'd stopped paying attention but because his eyes had filled with tears. Unacceptable. He wouldn't, couldn't cry now. And he would anyway. Though it started so gently he hadn't even realized it, he found himself crying, sobbing, so hard he shook. This was it. Who had he spoken to lately without having them upset with him in the end? No one, as far as he knew. Not just ken...tetsu...his manager...And it was, he had to admit, his own fault in most of the situations. He sat down on the couch, not bothering with an attempt to stop the tears. It wasn't worth it any more.
Once he’d found something hard to drink, ken took a seat back on the couch ,still having that cigarette in his other hand. His words rang through his head; being the blunt person he was it didn't bother him. What bothered him was that after of the fourteen years he had know hyde, he thought that hyde could confide in him. Hell, it didn't have to be everything, just something. Maybe he could help, maybe he couldn't, but he wouldn't know if hyde didn't tell him. ken took a sip from his glass and leaned back into his seat.
hyde waited until he'd calmed down and stopped crying to look at the phone. He considered the options. Forget it or call back. Forgetting it didn't seem like a good option. All it would do was piss ken off. hyde didn't feel like dealing with that. Yet he didn't want to call back. What ken wanted to know, insisted on knowing, really wasn't his business. What right did he have to demand to know what hyde obviously didn't want to share? It was one thing to worry, but another to pry.
And yet, hyde almost didn't mind the prying. Maybe it would be easier just to tell him? Maybe ken would see something obvious that hyde had missed? He didn't expect ken to have the answers, or even want him to have the answers. But maybe he'd have the questions hyde couldn't ask. He wiped his face roughly, sniffled a bit, and picked up the phone, dialing ken's number. He resisted the temptation to change his mind and hang it back up as it rang.
ken stared at the phone. It rang once. Then twice. Placing his glass down, he picked up the phone without looking at the ID. "Moshi Moshi?" What was left of his cigarette he got rid of it in the ashtray, then grabbed his glass once he sat back into his seat. ken waited for the voice on the other end of the phone.
"ken?" hyde's voice broke slightly. "hyde desu."
"...Mhm" ken said softly, just listening to him carefully.
"Go..." his voice broke, and he paused to get a hold of himself. "Gomen nasai."
"...It's ok." ken sighed. He'd bet that he had made the vocalist very upset with his words. "Look, you know how I am...." Words like this were not easy, but he hoped hyde got the idea.
hyde nodded, although this gesture was useless on the phone. "Yeah." His voice was soft. He understood. ken was blunt, often too blunt. He could mean well and show it poorly.
"Not asking you to tell me everything...just something. Maybe I can help...then again, maybe not. I won't know unless you say something more than just saying 'it's no big deal,'" ken said calmly before taking another drink of his beverage.
"Yeah." hyde's answer was short and simple, and hardly informative. Why had he called again?
"...So?" hyde must have called him to tell him something, basically. Yeah, he knew he was pushing it, but they were getting nowhere by being silent on the phone.
hyde sighed. "I can't do this on the phone, ken." Maybe he was stalling. But he actually did dislike the phone. It was too impersonal for something so, well, personal.
"Alright, fine. I am not doing anything, I will come there then." He placed the half-full glass onto the table.
"Alright." hyde promised himself that he'd have his emotions at least most of the way under control by the time ken got there. He refused to cry again. He was fairly confident that, having already done it the once, he wouldn't lose control again.
"Ja." And with that, ken hung up his phone. He grabbed his keys and a light jacket. After putting it on he left and started over to hyde's place.
ken hung up before hyde could say goodbye, so he set the phone back on it's cradle. He sighed softly. This...was probably a mistake. But the decision was made. He went to the bathroom to wash his face with cool water, calming his irritated eyes, and then went back into the living room and back to the book and cats. He refused to think about what he'd say--it'd be easier to let the conversation be natural.
After traveling for a while, ken got to hyde's place. He parked he got out of his car, locked it and went inside the apartment complex. Going upstairs, he stood in front of hyde's door, mentally preparing himself for anything that might be said. Then again, maybe nothing would be said. He was not sure, but he would remain himself and keep calm. Knocking on the door, he waited for answer.
hyde looked up at the door, put down the book, and stood, heading towards the door. "Who is it?" he asked, when he was close enough not to have to scream to be heard.
"ken..." he said and shifted his weight onto his other leg.
hyde looked through the view and then opened the door, stepping back to let ken in. He smiled slightly, if a bit forcedly. "Hey."
"Hey." ken moved inside and took his shoes off at the door. He gave a smile also but his was not true either. He waited for hyde to move before going more into his place.
hyde stepped back farther into the living room. All the small talk had already been done on the phone. He didn't know what to say, and didn't feel inclined to try.
Once hyde took a step more into the living room, ken moved headed in and took a seat on the couch, making sure he didn't sit on the cats. He gave Eros and Thanatos a scratch on their heads and glanced at hyde. "Take your time." He waited patiently for the vocalist to respond.
hyde followed ken to the couch, sitting a comfortable distance away from the other. "You certainly drive fast to your point."
"It's in my nature. I did say take your time," ken said smoothly as he continued to glance at hyde.
hyde sighed softly. "Isn't it obvious, anyway?" It really was, to a degree. Of course, ken couldn't guess the details, but the general idea...it was never hidden.
"In a sense...yeah, it is, but I want to make sure I am right. So this is why I ask you...what's going on?" Yeah it was obvious, but he really didn't want to jump to conclusions. He wanted to make sure he right.
hyde stared at his hands folded in his lap. "Things went so badly with Gackt. I don't want a repeat." If that wasn't obvious, he didn't know what the word meant.
"...I see. So you want to close your self up and be miserable for the rest of your life. Not good hyde, but, then, you need time, man. It just takes time to open back up again." He felt there was more to this but didn't say anything for the moment. Maybe hyde would say it; then again, maybe not.
hyde shook his head. "It's not like that." ken's words were true, but they missed the heart of the problem. But of course ken didn't know that. How could he?
"Is it? There is more to the story then?" ken moved his hand to his chin and gave hyde a serious look. So he was right.
hyde refused to look at him. "No shit." Not that he wanted to tell it.
ken rolled his eyes at that but refrained from saying something smartass. Just this once...because he could be a nice guy. "Alright...there is more...but you don't have to say any more," ken said calmly.
And hyde wouldn't. Maybe he should have...but he wouldn't. It was too weird. He just nodded.
"So all these feelings are coming from what happened between you and Gackt? Or is someone else involved?" Yes, he had said hyde didn't have to say more, but he was going to ask anyway.
"So much for 'you don't have to say anymore,'" hyde shot back.
ken scratched his head and looked away. "...That question was in my head...hell, I couldn't stop myself." hyde looked at ken finally. "Yeah."
"Besides...you don't have to answer. And you have told me enough. Look man...whatever else is going on, think about it and if it's not what you want then it's not what you want, but you can't keep yourself closed off like this..it ain't healthy. I noticed you lost more weight, too." He returned his gaze towards hyde.
hyde looked away and made a noncommittal noise. ken was right. What the hell was he supposed to say in response? He couldn't very well lie when the proof was physically present.
"...I am not going to nag you like tetsu would, but you need to eat and relax more. You’re becoming an old man too fast." He snickered lightly. Now he was joking with hyde.
hyde didn't take the joke particularly well. First off, tetsu wasn't his favorite subject. And second, he didn't take kindly to being called an old man. "I am not old. Thank you." His tone was clearly annoyed.
"Oh no...There goes that bratty side...Just take care of yourself better." ken could tell hyde was annoyed, but thought of it as hyde's normal behavior. He didn't think he had taken it personally.
ken was wrong. hyde wasn't in the mood for jokes; it wasn't hard to offend him lately and ken had done just that. hyde shrugged. "Yeah, sure."
"I will leave. I have the feeling it's time I did so. So I will talk to you later." hyde's tone told him, knowing that he should go. Even if he didn't say it, ken thought it, and maybe it was best since his mouth could be the harshest thing sometimes.
hyde nodded slightly. "See you." He did, to some extent, appreciate ken's concern. But this topic of conversation was something short of enjoyable.
ken was already up and had his shoes on, standing by the door. "See ya, hyde." With that he opened the door and closed it softly behind, then went on his way.
hyde watched him leave and shook his head slightly. No. He wasn't going to think about whether or not ken would talk to tetsu. Or if tetsu would tell ken anything. No. He was going to do something else. Like...read. Yeah. That was it. He picked up his book and focused his thoughts on it. It was certainly more pleasant than most other things.


comments are welcome and appreciated