Title: And I guess that I don't know (Part 11)
Category: fan fiction, role play, chapter
Genre: romance/angst
Date: October 2005 - unfinished

hyde – Ren onegreysunrise/bloodied_quill
tetsu – Kit togiretamelody (Chapters 1-4 – Ryo tetchan_69)
ken – Amaya amaya_kazuki

(Part One) (Part Two) (Part Three) (Part Four) (Part Five) (Part Six) (Part Seven) (Part Eight) (Part Nine) (Part Ten)

Part Eleven: Understandable, ne?- December 10, 2005
Paring – tetsuxhyde
Character in this section - tetsu, hyde

For about two minutes there, it looked like things were okay. And tetsu has what he wants. Maybe. The biggest player here is tetsu’s thing with sake.

The week…had been…well. Long. How cliché. But it fit.
Of course, they both had to pretend, to some extent, that everything was okay. tetsu couldn’t very well go on Gocha Maze sounding upset. Or drunk. Though it hadn’t stopped him from drinking the rest of the week. And hyde had to get things done. Not that he hadn’t been asked several times if things were alright--the fact that he pretty much refused to speak to people had been something of a giveaway.
It wasn’t a lie. hyde had meant what he said. But tetsu wasn’t willing to believe that. Even though he wanted to
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Why? It was too convenient. Almost unreal. But it was very much real, considering that it was physically there, and hyde was staring at it.
tetsu's glove. Neither of them had noticed that he'd left it behind. And hyde wasn't happy about it. If tetsu came back for it...hyde hadn't wanted to think about that. He didn't want to see tetsu anymore. Not if he was just going to act…like he had. No.
But several days to think about it changed his mind, and it became an easy excuse. A reason to go see tetsu. To try...try...something. Convince him that he wasn't lying? Because he wasn't. Finally. Because he wasn't ready to give up yet.
He'd hardly spoken all week except when damn near forced. He didn't want to. Didn't want to deal with anyone. Didn't really want to go out, even. But so it went. So after spending his morning trying to convince himself to just go already, he put on a coat and shoes, grabbed the glove, and did so. Damn, it was cold. But at least that gave him something to think about other than tetsu as he walked to the bassist's apartment.
He stood outside the door nervously pacing for a few moments before he knocked. Because really, how much worse could it get? Well, he wouldn't answer that. He had to have some hope, or something.

tetsu groaned softly, the sound of the knocking feeling like it went through his head. He was tempted to just pull the covers over his head and ignore it. It could be another salesman. Didn't they know that he didn't want to be bothered? In the end, he decided to just lie curled up in the bed. If it was a salesman, they would leave.
hyde sighed. He'd seen tetsu's car outside (it was, after all, a bit hard to miss); chances were decent that he was home. He didn't usually like to go out much... He knocked again.
tetsu threw of the covers with a resigned sigh and quickly got up, the room spinning a bit at the sudden movement. "Fine, fine, I'm coming," he grumbled, knowing he wasn't quite loud enough for whomever was at the door to hear him.
hyde thought he heard tetsu's voice, though he couldn't be sure. He fidgeted a bit, waiting, and trying not to talk himself into turning around and taking off.
tetsu winced a bit at the light that peeked through his blinds as he inched towards the door. He slowly cracked it own, using his other hand against the wall to keep balance. His gaze focused and he saw hyde. "...What?" he asked the vocalist, sounding more grumpy than anything else.
hyde looked at tetsu and was more than a bit surprised to see how...not well he looked. Trying to keep that out of his tone and expression, he smiled faintly. "I...you left your glove."
tetsu paused momentarily, staring at hyde, his expression confused. "I...come in. You must be getting cold." He walked away, his steps a bit clumsy as he left the door open for hyde to follow.
hyde blinked. He was getting cold...in the hallway? Mm...no. It really wasn’t that chilly. But he wouldn't say anything of the sort; tetsu looked lost enough already. He stepped in and stood a bit awkwardly by the door, looking at tetsu.
tetsu faced hyde, partially aware that he didn't look too good. Hell, he didn't feel too good. "I guess you can just set it down, warm yourself up, then go," tetsu said, almost tonelessly. His head was throbbing and he just wanted to get this over with.
hyde shook his head slightly. "Are you alright?" Stupid question, really. It was obvious that he wasn't.
"Fine," he replied nonchalantly as he leaned back, trying to lessen the headache that his hangover was giving him. "I just had a little too much this time. Understandable, ne?" A wry smile touched his lips as he closed his eyes.
hyde shook his head. "Not really." He paused briefly. "Aren't you ever going to stop?"
"Stop?" tetsu chuckled humorlessly. "I've stopped for a good..." he paused, his gaze falling on the clock., "…eleven hours." He looked back at hyde as if he were challenging him.
hyde sighed. He looked down at the floor, his voice soft. "And in another 11, will you do it again?"
"That is up to..." tetsu didn't get the chance to finish his accusation as nausea hit him. Quickly, he ran to the bathroom and emptied the contents he had in his stomach into the toilet bowl.
hyde pretended as best as he could not to hear that. He went into the kitchen and filed a glass with water. It'd save tetsu the trouble of doing it himself--and it was a good excuse for why he wasn't just turning around and walking out on the spot.
tetsu walked back in several minutes later, a bit shaky from retching. He saw hyde and his eyes widened a bit as he saw the vocalist. "You're still here.." he murmured softly, just sitting down.
hyde walked over and held the glass out to him. "Yes. Here."
tetsu pushed the glass away lightly. "Don't think I can handle anything right now." He smiled a bit apologetically, wrapping his arms around himself as he shivered a bit.
hyde sighed and set it down on the coffee table. Without being invited (and, worse, still wearing his shoes), he sat down and pulled off the offending footwear.
tetsu smiled a bit at the act. A part of him was amused by the fact that they still observed niceties despite the awkwardness between them. "My gloves could have waited, you know," he said softly. It wasn't that he didn't want to see hyde; it was more that he didn't like the fact that hyde saw him like this.
hyde stared at the coffee table. "I didn't expect you to be..." he paused, not really wanting to start an argument, "...sick, you know. And I didn't want to warn you ahead of time...and be...put off." Oh, good job. Really.
Well i am "sick" and it's all your fault. tetsu held back that childish retort, knowing that hyde was trying to keep things civil between them. And a part of him knew hyde wasn't to blame for any of it; he was. Even then, he was too achy to begin an argument he knew that he wouldn't win. "I...Thank you, then," he finally said at length.
Well, hyde hadn't really expected that particular reply. Not at all. But he did like it well enough. "Welcome," hyde replied quietly, still staring intently at the coffee table. Where had he been hoping to go with this? He had no idea.
tetsu nodded a bit before tiredly rubbing his temples. "I...am going back to sleep." He looked up at hyde and offered him a bit of a smile, despite knowing that the vocalist wouldn't see him do it, as intently staring at the table he was. "You can stay a bit if you want; just lock the door on your way out." He couldn't sit here and look at hyde, knowing that things would never be the same between them, feeling that he would never get the truth out of him. He got up and started to walk away.
hyde looked over at him and shook his head. "You have to stop, tetsu. Please." Did he really think that would do any good?
"Stop?" tetsu paused in midstep, his voice a bit strained. "I don't... know what you're talking about." He paused there, wondering what hyde was trying to do. He really didn't matter to the vocalist...did he?
hyde shook his head. tetsu had to know what he was talking about. He wasn't stupid. "Drinking. You have to stop." His words were demanding, but his tone failed to carry much force.
"Do I?" tetsu said softly. Why does it even matter to you? He just stared at hyde for several moments, his expression impassive.
hyde nodded. "Look what you're doing to yourself." Of course, tetsu had to know this already. But he had to say it, anyway.
"Funny that you should care." Despite the harshness of the words, tetsu's tone didn't carry the force needed to hurt. He turned back away from hyde, continuing to walk to his room, holding back tears. The situation itself was confusing him. For someone whom he didn't believe to care, hyde was caring an awful lot about the fact that he was drinking.
Well, maybe it didn't carry the force that he thought was needed to hurt, but for hyde, it didn't take much. The word stung. Pushing that aside, he stood and went after tetsu quickly, putting a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Don't do this. Don't say things like that. And don't do this to yourself. You have to stop. It's not making things better."
tetsu pushed hyde's hand away, the action itself pathetic. He was down to the point that he could only do one thing at a time: either push the vocalist away or hide his tears, and he chose to do the latter. "You can stay, if you want," he said again, finally, his voice soft.
hyde sighed, taking a step back. "What help is that? Maybe for as long as I'm here, I can try to stop you...but that's not enough."
tetsu just shook his head in reply before continuing to walk to his room. "Maybe." He didn't bother to explain the statement as he slowly tucked himself in.
His hand on the doorknob, hyde turned his back to tetsu. "I won't give up on this, tetsu." He shut the door behind him and walked into the living room again. He wasn't leaving. Not until tetsu was willing to talk...or until he was sufficiently convinced that it was hopeless.
tetsu shifted around on the bed, waiting for the sound of the front door. He had expected hyde to leave. He bit his lip as he only heard movement in the other room. He laughed a bit, shakily. didn't the vocalist get that he just wanted to cry in peace?
No. Because hyde wasn’t even considering that. As far as he was concerned, he’d given him enough privacy by shutting the door. He wouldn’t leave until tetsu was willing talk…or until he’d proven that the idea was hopeless. He sat, staring at the table, trying not to scream with frustration.
tetsu felt the same frustration on top of his hangover. He only brought up a hand as he felt the tears, before rolling over so that the pillow could muffle his quiet sobs. To him, the situation was already hopeless.
hyde sighed and picked up a magazine off the coffee table. He wouldn't leave. Wouldn't give up. He repeated it in his head like a mantra. He couldn't leave. If he did, he wasn't so sure he'd come back--and he had no faith that tetsu would make any effort from his end. If he thought hyde was just lying...why would he?
after several moments, tetsu gave up with a shuddering sigh. He knew hyde wouldn't leave, so he might as well go out. Maybe…things wouldn't be as bad as he thought they would be.
hyde flipped through the magazine, not really concentrating enough to read it. Besides, the room was too dark to see it properly. I won't leave...I won't... He wanted to, though. What did he think he was going to accomplish?
tetsu slowly opened the door with a touch of a smile at the corner of his lips as his gaze fell of hyde.
hyde looked up at the sound of the door opening. Well, that hadn't been much of a nap. He smiled slightly in return.
tetsu walked over slowly and sat diagonally from hyde. He looked up at the vocalist in silent question.
hyde followed tetsu with his gaze until he sat. hyde couldn't answer a question tetsu hadn't asked, and he didn't want to make a guess at what tetsu's expression was meant to convey. He just waited.
"I..." tetsu paused, his voice a bit shaky. "You're still here." He said it in a tone that was made it obviously more of a question than a statement.
hyde nodded. "Of course I am." He smiled, if only barely. tetsu seemed more surprised than pissed about it. That was a start.
tetsu’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Why was hyde still here? What made him stay? A spark of hope flared inside him, only to be extinguished. No, it was too optimistic. "Why?" tetsu asked softly.
"Because I'm going to stay here until I think maybe you'll stop this," hyde replied, instantly, and firmly. Where had that determination been five minutes ago? Well, he was glad for it now.
"Why?" tetsu asked again. He just wanted to understand. Where this was going. If it could go anywhere.
hyde sighed. "I told you. Because you can't do this to yourself. And I can't let you." Was this really so hard to understand? This was frustrating. Extremely.
tetsu shook his head at that answer. "No, why does it matter?" He had told himself through the drinking that he didn't mean anything to hyde, that he was being lied to. He pretty much believed it, and the situation was throwing him off.
tetsu was making this difficult on purpose, right?. No, wait. hyde had figured out a while ago that tetsu really believed he didn't care, and maybe that he thought hyde was actually trying to hurt him. Well, despite how well he'd managed to do just that, it wasn't true. hyde shook his head. "What sort of friend would I be if it didn't matter? You're making yourself sick. I can't very well just let you." In hindsight, that had probably been the wrong question to ask. If he didn't want to be attacked, he shouldn't have made it so easy.
tetsu shrugged a bit in reply. He wasn't in the mood to argue; he was more intent in figuring out what was happening. His gaze fell on hyde, hoping that he would say something that would let him believe the vocalist.
hyde sighed softly. "Why are you doing this, tetsu? Do you really think this is going to help whatever it is you're trying to make go away when you make alcohol override your senses, when you pay for it in the morning?" Do I really want to hear the answer to this?
"Better to hear the truth, ne?" tetsu replied, trying to keep his tone light. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer. Wasn't sure he liked where this could be leading to.
hyde blinked. He was pretty sure that made no sense. "How does getting hammered help you hear the truth?" He hadn't missed that that was more than likely another accusation that he had been lying, but for now, he decided to ignore it. That was another train of thought. Maybe.
"I don't quite see my drinking as being the main problem here," tetsu replied defensively. Main problem. There seemed to be too many problems piling up here. First the uncertainty, then the lies, then his drinking.
hyde took that bait, knowing it was unavoidable. "So what is?"
"This." tetsu gestured at both of them. "Us." He looked down as he said that.
hyde sighed. "And drinking is somehow helping this? That I doubt." He wanted to fix this "us", yes, but really, the drinking was a bigger problem in his eyes. Because that had worse consequences. It wasn't really getting through to hyde that fixing the one would make the other go away. Probably.
tetsu was tempted to just end the conversation by saying that he needed another drink, and his gaze, wandering towards the kitchen, hinted as much. "Hm, at least I have something in my life that's honest," he shot back defensively. They were going around in circles. Getting nowhere.
hyde sighed, following tetsu's gaze to the kitchen and giving a pointed glance at the water on the coffee table. He looked back at tetsu before he spoke. "If that's meant as a less than subtle way of calling me a liar, I get it. But you're wrong. I told you that before." So they were back to that. A stalemate. Great.
tetsu looked back, his gaze following hyde's and falling on the glass on the table before he looked up at the vocalist again. "I... want to believe you," he said softly. "I really do," he added for emphasis.
hyde resisted the temptation to sigh again. "Then do. I don't know what more there is I can do, tetsu. I've already told you the truth. And I know I'm hard to believe. I know I can't even try to count all the stupid lies I've told. But you should know me better than that, tetsu...you've known me long enough. I wouldn't do this. I'm not lying about this. I couldn't. And you know that." Somewhere along the way, his tone went from just stating the fact to pleading. He was pleading, wasn't he? He couldn't be bothered to feel foolish for that. Not right now.
tetsu looked up at hyde, his own gaze pleading. "I can't...I don't know..." his words trailed off. This was where communication between them pretty much dead-ended. tetsu knew that he knew the vocalist well enough. Or he would have liked to believe so. But his fear that hyde was just playing with him was holding him back.
hyde looked down. "I don't know what more you want from me..." He sounded just as defeated as he felt. This wouldn't get anywhere until tetsu let it--and he wasn't going to, was he? Apparently not.
tetsu sighed a bit, knowing that his pushing was getting him nowhere. His wanting what he believed to be an honest answer might push hyde away more. "If..." he paused a bit. "I accepted that you were telling the truth, where does that take us?" he asked cautiously.
hyde looked back up at tetsu, unable to resist getting his hopes just slightly up. "I guess you really get to decide that, don't you?" He smiled, not out of amusement, but because this was so pathetic, so screwed up, that he had to. It was barely there, barely a twitch at the corners of his mouth. Pathetic.
tetsu looked at hyde for several moments. "I don't know where to go from here," he said softly. There would always be a part of him that disbelieved hyde, but what he wanted was just for things to be fixed, right?
But really...how was it supposed to work if he wouldn't believe it? hyde looked back down. "If I could prove it to you, tetsu...I would. I want to." He was barely audible. "And I wish I could have figured this out sooner, when you still wanted to be with me."
"That hasn't changed," tetsu said vaguely, his mind trying to process what was happening. He had decided--he wanted hyde. He wanted things to be okay between them again.
hyde couldn't bother to look up. He was afraid he might cry. Again. Dammit, since when did he do things like that? "Then if we want the same thing, why are we sitting here frustrated and upset and why do I want to scream?" He barely spoke above a whisper.
tetsu looked down at his hands for a few moments, not having an answer to that question, before reaching across the table and taking hyde's hand in his.
hyde was more than slightly surprised, but he managed not to let it show. He looked up at tetsu, waiting for him to say something, afraid to ruin...whatever was going on...with the wrong words.
A light flush stained his cheeks as he looked at hyde. "We can...just start again," tetsu said softly, a part of him knowing that pushing aside his doubts would haunt them in the future. But he didn't want to lose hyde, so he was taking the chance he was being given.
hyde looked back down again. He really wanted it to be that easy. Really. Not that it ever was...but it'd be nice. "All over again? Wouldn't it be easier to keep going and just find a direction that's not so shitty?" He smiled faintly.
tetsu smiled faintly in return, trying to lighten the mood. "Or we can do that." He was willing to take the easy way out and tell himself that they were past the hard times. That things would get better from here.
It was...way too...something. Just...something. He nodded. "That'd...be nice." It wasn't a very good reply, but it did make the point.
"Then... it's settled." tetsu slowly moved to the other side of the table, sitting down next to hyde.
hyde almost laughed. That sounded so strange. Simple. And flat out hilarious. But he just smiled.
tetsu embraced hyde for several moments. "Well, this calls for a bit of celebration, don't you think?" He got up and walked to the kitchen. It was only an excuse for him to crack open another bottle.
hyde blinked. And then he got it. Or thought he did. "Or not," he said, rather firmly.
tetsu smiled a bit, his words meant to be a bit of a challenge. "Why not?" It surprised him a bit that hyde had argued back. It seemed uncharacteristic of the vocalist to do so.
It was rather uncharacteristic. It was a terrible habit that he tended to just let things happen, regardless of what he thought about it. But not when it mattered. And this really did. "Depends on how you mean it."
"You know very well what I meant." A false smile touched tetsu's lips as he looked up at hyde. "Did you want one too?" His tone was softly taunting as he challenged the vocalist.
hyde shook his head. "No. And you don't, either." He hadn't missed the tone, and he didn't like it. His own was demanding.
"Are you telling me what to do or are you thinking that you're a mind reader?" tetsu arched an eyebrow in question.
Telling you what to do." And he was. He wasn't going to try to hide that in any way.
tetsu's eyes narrowed at the vocalist. "And who do you think you are to tell me what to do?" His tone was dry, lightly challenging.
"hyde. Didn't you know that?" Somehow he asked this completely seriously.
tetsu blinked at that reply, not quite sure how that worked in their present situation.
hyde gave him a dead serious look, actually waiting for an answer.
"I...I know that." tetsu's confusion showed on his face. "And that stops me... how?" As if daring hyde to argue, he walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle from the fridge.
He was going to get an argument. hyde got up and walked into the kitchen. "Because I am not going to stand here and watch you do this. It's not even one in the afternoon, and I'd bet that you still feel shitty from the last time you touched that shit. And I don't care if you don't think it's my business. I am not going to watch you do this to yourself. I told you that already."
Funny. tetsu smiled mirthlessly. They were back at this again. hyde was right, but he had already spiraled a bit out of control where alcohol was concerned.
hyde didn't know what to make of tetsu's nonverbal reply. And he didn't care to. He took the bottle out of tetsu's hand and held it out of his immediate reach. "You have to stop. It's not healthy, it's not smart, and it doesn't help a thing."
tetsu looked down at hyde, his eyes narrowing a bit. "Thanks, Mom," he said, his tone dry. "Did you have anything else to say about my lifestyle?"
"No, I think that'll do," hyde returned, answering the question as though he didn't understand the idea of sarcasm or a rhetorical question. Of course, he did understand. But he was trying to make a point.
tetsu sighed, pulling back. He knew that hyde's mind was set; there was no way that he would get the bottle and it would only be pointless to go back and get another one. Besides, he didn’t think he actually had another one.
Deciding it was worth risking tetsu's aggravation to make his point, he unscrewed the cap of the bottle, intending to pour it into the sink.
tetsu looked at hyde and the bottle suddenly. "What do you think you're doing?" The anger was beginning to show in his soft tone.
Without answering, hyde turned it upside down over the sink, watching tetsu as the sake flowed into the sink and down the drain.
tetsu growled softly, walking over and trying to take the bottle from his hand. "What makes you think that you can come back and do this?" he demanded, desperation beginning to mix into the anger.
hyde saw tetsu coming and threw the bottle down, shattering it, to prevent him from getting it. "Either you'll thank me for this later or you're really beyond help," he replied, sounding completely calm. He wasn't actually, though. He was starting to be seriously afraid of tetsu's reaction.
"You think you can walk back into my life and do this?" tetsu walked up to hyde, pinning him against the counter. "Who the hell do you think you are?" he growled softly. His last bottle...his last bit of sanity.
cringed slightly and looked away. This was a nice reminder of just how much strength tetsu had on him. He spoke softly, fear creeping into his tone. "tetsu, you just threw up maybe 20 minutes ago. You can't do this to yourself."
"What makes you think that you have the right to do this?" tetsu demanded, his voice cracking. He didn't notice as a tear slid down his cheek, his gaze focused on the hyde.
hyde turned to face him, trying not to notice the tear. That was scary. Much scarier than the thought that tetsu might hurt him. "Maybe I don't have the right. But I do have the responsibility." When had he started sounding like someone's parent? Granted, he was one, but his son wasn't old enough to need lecturing yet.
"Save your lecturing for your own child," tetsu said mockingly, turning away from hyde. His hand moved up to his cheek, a bit surprised at his lack of control before brushing his tears aside.
hyde sighed. "I'm not lecturing." Yes he was. "But I can't watch you do this. I can't."
"Then walk out." tetsu kept his back towards the vocalist, his shaking frame the only sign of his crying.
hyde stood there, absolutely dumbfounded. The fact that tetsu was this upset...was...either pathetic or terrifying. Probably both. "tetsu...is it really that bad that you can't face your life sober?" he asked, as gently as he could.
"Funny that you should ask," tetsu replied back, almost tonelessly.
hyde didn't really get what tetsu was driving at, partly because he didn't want to. "What?" He was genuinely confused, as hard as that was to believe.
"Just go home, hyde," tetsu replied with a resigned sigh. He was tired of this. Tired of the situation. Tired of his yo-yoing emotions. "I think we've talked enough."
Everything was yo-yoing. It was absolutely insane. hyde shook his head. "Please don't do this." Here he was, begging again. "You actually want to be perpetually drunk or hung-over? That feels good?"
"Enough!" he cut through hyde's begging with a quick slashing movement with his hand. "Just...enough." tetsu's tone softened. "Go home, hyde. I'll be fine."
hyde looked down at the floor, not really believing tetsu. And still not knowing where they stood. "I really do hope that's true," he said, very softly.
"Go, hyde," he only replied softly. "I'll be fine. We'll talk about this later, ne?" tetsu turned back and smiled at hyde, momentarily looking almost like his old self again. like things were back to normal again.
Like normal. As if. Neither of them could possibly be fooled. hyde nodded, not even trying to return the smile. What help was it, standing there, trying to force this conversation now? And besides that, it hurt too much to have tetsu pushing him away to try to argue it. "I'm not giving up on this, tetsu." He meant that, though his tone was so soft and defeated that it didn't really seem that way.
"I know," tetsu replied softly, his smile fading. "Go home and we'll deal with this later." He kept his tone softly coaxing as he gestured towards the door.
He was giving up if he walked out that door. Screw that. Staring at the floor, hyde shook his head. "No. Later is too late. Later you'll have bought another bottle and done this cycle again."
tetsu paused a bit at his words. "Then I guess you'll be staying the night then?"
hyde nodded, hoping like hell that tetsu's reply wasn't a trick. "Yes. I am." Not that it was anywhere near night, and not that he had come prepared...but yes.
tetsu looked at hyde warily, wondering what kind of game hyde was playing. "Fine, then." His tone came off as a bit sulky as he grabbed a glass of water and went back to the coffee table.
It wasn't a game. hyde sighed softly and started to pick the glass up out of the sink, yelping as he cut himself with it. He bit his lip to hold back several choice profanities, making sure not to get blood on anything as he threw the glass in the trash.
tetsu heard the soft yelp from the living room, only waiting for the vocalist whilst he stared down at his water. "There's a first aid kit in the cabinet," he said softly. He didn't cook much, so he kept it there for the few times he did in case of accidents.
Bit of a strange place to keep the thing. hyde resisted the temptation to comment. A few guesses at which cabinet it was in later, he found it and got band-aids. He sighed softly. Skills. Really. That was going to feel just lovely if he intended to play guitar in the immediate future. That done, he put the kit away and went into the living room. He sat down on the couch and stared at the wall, the table, the blank TV, anything but tetsu.
"Yes, we're really solving things here," tetsu said, his tone dry. Even as he seemed more focused on his water, he was mocking their present situation.
hyde finally looked at him. "What do you expect of me?" he asked, more frustrated than anything else.
"You were the one that wanted to talk, not me," tetsu retorted. "I did tell you to go home." His reply was childish, but it was all he was willing to manage.
hyde sighed. "I can't fix this for you. I can't make things okay by myself." Damn it, this was absurd.
"I didn't expect you to," tetsu muttered under his breath. He took a sip of water and made a face.
"Then what do you want from me?" hyde pushed the frustration out of his tone, trying to sound calm.
"You to leave me alone, maybe?" tetsu stalked over to hyde so that they could have this conversation--more of an argument, really--properly.
hyde looked up at tetsu, wondering why he had bothered to move closer and if he was going to sit down. "I'm not going to. I can't." How many times would he have to say it before tetsu understood?
tetsu set down his glass of water before facing hyde again. "You can. It's easy. Just say 'bye, tetsu,' then walk out the door."
hyde shook his head. "No. I told you. I can't. Not until I really believe you've gotten this drinking thing under control. Because I won't watch you do this to yourself. I told you that already a million damn times and I meant it."
"So you think that you can walk back into my life and tell me what to do?" tetsu's tone was deadly soft as he looked at the vocalist.
How many times would they repeat themselves? "No. I really can't. But I'm going to try. Because someone has to."
"Thanks, Mom" tetsu's tone was dry as he sat down next to hyde. It was only mid-afternoon, so they would be in for a hell of a long night with the way things were going.
"You're welcome," hyde shot back instantly. He was getting tired of this, and fast.
tetsu quickly picked up the annoyed tone. "You’re the one that chose to be here." He purposely kept his tone light as he glanced over at the vocalist.
"I know that! But I'm not having a fucking good time! You're insane if you think this is my idea of an ideal weekend pastime. I can't not do this. I can't." He was both exasperated and insistent.
"I never asked you to stay!" tetsu's voice rose an octave. He was quickly getting frustrated by this. By the fact that hyde treated him like a child. Granted, the vocalist's actions were justified, but this was exasperating. "Of course you didn't. If you had, I wouldn't have to. But you don't see the problem!" If tetsu was looking for a fight, he was going to get one.
"I don't have a problem!" With each word, tetsu's rose a bit higher. What kind of game was hyde playing? Who did he thing he was? His eyes narrowed a bit in challenge as he looked at the vocalist.
"Really?" hyde asked sarcastically. "Damn, that's just what I aspire to. Starting my morning by throwing up. Having a breakdown over sake, or the lack there of. No problem there." Tact? No. He was too irritated for that.
tetsu's eyes narrowed. "If you didn't come here in the first place maybe it wouldn't have happened. I was fine without you." He was lying. He was miserably drunk without him.
"You'd have been hung over and sick whether I came here or not. I'm trying to prevent a repeat performance. I'm not the fucking problem." If only tetsu agreed with that one.
"You are the problem." He shook his head, not quite having expected himself to voice that accusation out loud.
"Keep telling yourself that," hyde shot back, anger masking how much that stung. tetsu really believed that? hyde shouldn't have been surprised.
"Yes, just as you keep on telling yourself that staying is a noble cause," tetsu retorted.
hyde stood abruptly, pacing in frustration. "No. You're not listening."
"I am. You just have nothing really worth hearing." tetsu's tone was almost bored as he followed hyde with his gaze.
"Damn it, tetsu!" hyde stopped in front of tetsu and faced him. He leaned down, his hands on tetsu's shoulders, as he held the bassist back against the couch and got rather aggressively close to his face. "You're smarter than this. Get a grip."
tetsu abruptly pushed away hyde from him in response.
hyde stumbled backwards, put off his balance. He hit the coffee table, tipping further backwards. Panicking, he reached back, barely getting the heels of his hands onto the table. He yelped as they slid forward as he fell, completely ungracefully, onto the table, his head snapping back once his shoulder blades met the far edge of the table. The only luck he had here was that he'd missed both glasses of water. He shut his eyes, whimpering softly and then forcing himself to be quiet. He half wanted to cry, but he wouldn't.
tetsu quickly got off the sofa. "I'm so sorry," he apologized quickly, reaching over to help hyde up. What the hell got into him?
hyde looked up at tetsu with a look that was meant to convey anger. It failed pretty badly, since his mind was rather more focused on what hurt. He took tetsu's offer, grabbing hold of his wrists and badly stifling a cry as tetsu pulled him up. He immediately let go and stepped aside, turning his back to tetsu and taking a few steps away.
"I'm...sorry, hyde," tetsu apologized weakly. He made a pleading gesture with his hands, even when knowing that the vocalist wouldn't be able to see it with his back towards him.
hyde turned, trying not to look upset. He didn't even bother to try to reply. He had nothing to say to that.
"hyde...I'm sorry." tetsu didn't know what to do but repeat his apology, even if it began to sound like a mantra in his head. It seemed that he was always sorry. Sorry for drinking. Sorry for hurting hyde.
hyde looked down at the floor. "Yeah," he replied, softly. He did believe tetsu--he'd practically asked to be pushed away.
tetsu stared at hyde for several moments, not quite sure whether the vocalist would let him near after what he had just done. If it had been him in hyde's place, he knew he wouldn't have.
hyde wouldn't look up. He stood there, awkwardly studying the carpet, totally derailed from his point and not knowing where to go with this.
"hyde..." tetsu paused for a few moments, knowing the vocalist might not accept this suggestion. "Go home. Just go…home. Please?" His tone held a pleading edge to it.
hyde shook his head, speaking softly to the floor. "You'll have to hurt me worse than that to get me to give up on you, tetsu. Sorry to break it to you."
"Go," tetsu shook his head, still pleading. "I'll be okay, I promise."
hyde looked up. "We've been over this." Over...and over...and over...
And they would continue with this cycle until one of them would give a little, which didn't seem plausible anytime soon. tetsu only looked at hyde, nibbling on his lower lip nervously.
hyde looked down at the floor. This wasn't getting anywhere. tetsu wasn't going to listen. Not now. Maybe not ever. He turned partly away, feeling the sting of tears he didn't want to acknowledge. "Fine. I can't make you. I can't get you to see anything you won't look at and I can't change your mind if you're just going to lash out at me for it."
tetsu turned away. That comment in addition to the tears hurt. His lashing out was an accident. And seeing hyde cry...it hurt. "Go. Just...go, hyde," he said, his words almost toneless. Or at least as toneless as he could make them.
hyde picked up his shoes and brought them towards the door, realizing with displeasure that he was crying rather openly. He pulled on his shoes and looked back at tetsu. Without really stopping to think about just how childish he sounded, he spoke up. "I'm keeping your damn glove, tetsu, until you come get it."
tetsu only watched silently as hyde got ready to leave. He couldn't really do anything... he did get what he wanted, after all, didn't he?
What was it that he wanted? The knowledge, or the statement, that hyde cared for him? What good did that do him when he was chasing out the man he supposedly wanted? hyde roughly wiped his face and opened the door, letting it shut loudly behind him as he hurried down the hall. He was going to get away from there before he could change his mind.
tetsu flinched as the door closed with a resounding bang before just staring numbly, wondering what had happened. He had pushed hyde out. He got the vocalist to leave him alone. Yet he didn't feel too happy with the results. With a soft sigh, he turned to cleaned up the glasses.
So that was it? He'd just leave tetsu to his own devices, leave him to make his stupid choices if he wanted to?
Well, yes. Yes, he would. No amount of wanting to be able to get tetsu to knock it off would force him. Hell, trying to force him could very well just pushhim to do it more.
And he still didn't know where they stood. When would he? Sometime soon would have been nice...but he'd stopped hoping for that a while ago.
So he went back home, reminding himself over and over that tetsu was free to make his own choices. Including the really bad ones. And he could maybe hope that he'd get a grip at some point. Maybe.
tetsu washed the glasses and set them in the drainer to dry. The apartment felt empty without the vocalist. Despite their obvious tension, at least it had felt alive.
With a sigh, he walked back to the sofa, flipping on the television. Anything to ignore the fact that this time it was honestly him that pushed hyde away. Anything to ignore the temptation to go and replace the bottle that hyde had shattered. He had promised the vocalist that he'd be fine, hadn't he?
After flipping through the channels and finding nothing that could occupy his thoughts, he threw the remote on the coffee table in frustration. In the end, the silence, the loneliness, it was all his fault. This time he began to question whether things really were better this way.

comments are welcome and appreciated