Title: And I guess that I don't know (Part Two)
Category: fan fiction, role play, chapter
Genre: romance/angst
Date: October 2005 - unfinished

hyde – Ren onegreysunrise/bloodied_quill
tetsu – Kit togiretamelody (Chapters 1-4 – Ryo tetchan_69)
ken – Amaya amaya_kazuki

And I guess that I don't know
Part Two: "Shut up." -– October 9, 2005
Paring – tetsuxhyde, one sided

(Part One)

Even knowing that hyde is upset about a recently failed relationship, tetsu can't help but express his more than friendly feelings towards hyde

tetsu woke late the next morning and groggily sat up, rubbing his eyes as memories of his confession returned. He groaned and wanted to go to sleep again, hoping that maybe this was a nightmare, but he knew it wasn't, and he couldn't. He slid out of bed, ungracefully stumbling over his own feet and landing on his hands and knees with a dull thud. What a great way to wake up.
hyde had, as he'd expected he would, woken up around 1:30. He'd brushed his teeth, taken out his contacts, and gone back to sleep. He could only sleep so much, waking early the next morning almost as upset as he'd been the night before. But almost wasn't just. He'd spent his time alternating between reading, failing to accomplish anything with the song, smoking, and, finally, making coffee and sitting down to drink it. By the time tetsu got up, that's what he had decided to do--sit at the table, stare at the wall, and drink black coffee.

tetsu wandered into the kitchen and stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame and staring at hyde. "doihachirou...I want to apologize for last night...I think I haven't been getting enough sleep lately...I'm not even sure of what I said," he lied gently, wanting to be on good terms again, even though it hurt him. It was funny how different 'expecting to be rejected' and 'actually being rejected' felt.
hyde looked up at him and shook his head. "No need to mention it." hyde didn't believe him at all. He'd like to, but he couldn't. That didn't matter; he could still act as though he did.
"Do you want me to leave? I don't really want to, since I'm still worried about you, but if I'm making things worse, I should probably go..."
hyde shrugged. "You don't have to." It would be easier if he did, but, that was hyde's answer.
tetsu nodded and sighed softly, "I just don't want to make things worse..."
hyde shook his head. "Stop. There's nothing to make worse. It doesn't matter." What didn't matter, he didn't know.
"It matters to me...I know I've just made a rift between us with what I said last night, and I still stand by my feelings, but I don't want to keep making the gap bigger..." He had his gaze averted the whole time but his voice was not meek at all and he spoke only what he felt.
hyde sighed. "If you want the truth of it, I really wish you'd never said anything. And that you would stop bringing it up. And that's it."
tetsu gave a nod and looked up. "Gomen nasai...I wish I'd never said it either..." He laughed mirthlessly at his situation. "Such bad timing...baka ne..." he scolded himself, forcing a smile.
hyde didn't even try to smile. There was no humor in this for him. "Extremely."
tetsu couldn't stop it from coming out, "If I had waited to say it...would it not have been so bad?"
hyde stared. "How the hell should I know." That wasn't even a question the way he said it.
tetsu stared at his sock-clad feet, "I don't know...I was just hoping for a little consolation...I'm really not sure what to do anymore...."
hyde sighed. "Please stop. You're making this harder than it needs to be. You need consolation? You're picking a bad time to try and find it from me."
"Gomen..." tetsu mumbled, leaning against the wall a little more, "I don't mean to make it harder...I just can't pretend as easily as you can."
hyde folded his arms on the table and rested his forehead on them. "But you'll forget. Just like you were telling me I should." This was slightly muffled, since he was speaking down at the table, but it was perfectly audible.
tetsu was silent for a long moment before he spoke in much of the same tone, "I won't forget..." His voice became thicker with impending tears. "...so I'm not asking you to forget anymore. Think about him all you want; it's not like I ever had a chance."
hyde sighed, not feeling inclined to move. "Whether or not, or rather, when, I stop thinking about Gackt has nothing to do with you, and never did."
"That doesn't mean I ever had a chance anyway. How could I? Everyone I've ever loved is so damn unreachable...I’m never good enough." He didn't even want to hear hyde's response, but he couldn't move. It was as if all his sadness and self-pity over the last 20 years of his life had become a huge weight and was rooting him to the spot.
hyde looked up at him, sitting properly straight in the chair. "Don't try to turn this against me. Don't make it about guilt. I didn't ask for any part in this. Your love life sucks? Well, I'm sorry. So does mine. And you're so quick to call me pathetic for being upset about losing a lover and a friend, and you're apparently upset about something you never had in the first place, and I don't know what you expect me to do about it! I can't fix your problems if you think your problem is me."
tetsu clenched his fist but made no move do to anything, "You're right..." He gave up, his hand falling slack. "I'm a hypocrite, and more pathetic than you. Which is pretty sad, because I tried to help you. hyde, I don't want this to screw up my band or our friendship, but...I don't want to give up on...on this 'thing I never had'. How stupid is that?" He hated himself. Oh, how much did he hate himself at that moment.
hyde was starting to get irritated with him as well. "I can't help you. I can't say what you want me to say, do what you want me to do, or think what you want me to think. You don't want to hurt L'Arc~en~Ciel, and you don't want to hurt our friendship, then stop trying to hurt me. Don't ask me, because I don't know. I don't want to know, either. "
Fine," he replied simply. "Fine, I won't. I'll stop asking you questions. I'll stop talking to you. I'll stop trying, and maybe things will stop getting worse!" His tone was agitated and frustrated, but he was finally able to move and stormed into the bedroom, shutting the door. He knew how childish it was--to go around sulking in a house that wasn't his--but he couldn't really keep his emotions in check like he wished he could.
hyde put his head back down. For as much as it would have been easier, he couldn't work up anger against tetsu for throwing this in his lap. He felt sorry for him, really. But that wasn't first and foremost on his mind. For as much as he wouldn't admit it, he felt sorry for himself. He wanted tetsu's friendship--he wanted him to care, but not like this. And now tetsu was going to be angry with him, and quite possibly make good on that last statement--stop talking to him. Great. Even better. Just what he wanted, really. Only not at all, not in the slightest. He wanted to cry, really. And he wouldn't.
tetsu was already crying. Crying out of anger, sadness, rejection, self-pity, and loneliness. But above all this, he felt worse for hyde because he knew the other wasn't at the best part in his life and he, a supposed to be friend, was only making it worse. So it was guilt then. tetsu didn't really care to name it; he just knew it was eating at him and making him more and more hopeless. Even if a person wasn't a crybaby as much as he was, he doubted anyone else wouldn't cry under the stress of the situation.
hyde stood abruptly, nearly spilling his coffee as he moved his arm. He missed it, fortunately, and finished it, putting the cup in the sink and abandoning it to a later washing. He wouldn't cry. He promised himself that, and he was right. He'd take a walk instead. Which he did, grabbing a jacket, cigarettes, a lighter, and keys. He pulled on his shoes and left. Just like the night before. It was easiest.
tetsu heard the other leave and chose that time to come out of his assigned room. He sat himself down on the couch and stared listlessly at the turned off television. He wasn't in the mood for TV, but he had grown to dislike the spare bedroom over the hours he'd spent crying in it. He contemplated writing hyde a long note, taking his stuff, and leaving but he knew that wouldn't make things any better.
hyde leaving probably didn't make things any better, either. But that was what he wanted to do. He spent the next hour aimlessly wandering around Tokyo, thinking about all of this and liking none of it.
tetsu finally got around to turning the TV set on and flipping to a random music channel, watching it in the same way he watched the blank screen. It wasn't long before the noise got on his nerves and he turned it off again. He wasn't getting anywhere like this, but he didn't know what else do to.
hyde finally decided to go home, if only because he had to shower and dress more neatly before heading out to do things. About an hour and 15 minutes after he'd left, he came back, opening and closing the door softly and toeing off his shoes, and then hanging up his jacket in silence, without a second glance at tetsu.
tetsu looked up, watched hyde for a few moments, then looked back down at his knees. He didn't want to say anything to the other, but at the same time he felt nothing would get accomplished or solved this way. He sighed softly and sunk further back into the cushions of the couch, staring at the blank TV as if it might hold all the answers to his problems. Silently, he wished hyde would come and say something to him. Strongly, he hoped that hyde would return and tell him he'd thought about it, and was comfortable with the idea of tetsu's feelings. And realistically, he knew none of this would happen.
hyde looked over at the couch and followed tetsu's gaze to the blank TV. He sighed and went over to the couch, sitting down next to the other man. He looked at tetsu briefly and then turned to the blank TV. He said nothing, simply because he wasn't sure what there was to be said.
tetsu cast hyde a sideways glance. "Welcome back," he mumbled, turning his gaze back to the TV.
hyde laughed softly. "Thanks." He found it funny to be welcomed back in his own apartment, Not in a bad way at all. It simply amused him.
tetsu didn't find it funny, but a smile tugged at his lips anyway. It was because hyde had laughed, and hyde laughing always made his problems just a bit lighter.
hyde decided on the spot to just get it out, over with, and done. He turned to look at tetsu. "tetsu...what you said before...about not making things worse by not talking to me." hyde paused for a brief moment.
tetsu didn't look away from the dull TV set, but he raised an eyebrow. "Mm?"
"Please. Don't."
tetsu was silent for a while, then murmured, "Don't what? Don't talk to you...?"
hyde shook his head. "Don't turn cold to me like that."
"Why not? I'm trying to 'pretend it didn't happen'. Every time I open my mouth it seems to remind you, so wouldn't it be better if I just shut up?"
hyde sighed. "I'd rather deal with knowing that than lose you as a friend, idiot." A contradiction. Words that showed he wanted things to be alright, and an insult that said he didn't. The former was the truth, and it showed in his tone.
tetsu continued to stare blankly at the wall now, "Who said I would stop being your friend...? We've been friends for as long as L'Arc has been around; you can't possibly think that I'd just give up on that..."
hyde sighed, turning to look at the blank screen again. "But you'd stop speaking to me."
tetsu shrugged. "I just felt like talking was making things worse. I didn't mean to drop this on you now...I'm not trying to hurt you or anything; I've just felt this way for a long time." He shook his head, "I can't convey how I'm feeling right now...talking only makes me sound stupid or selfish..."
hyde sat in silence for a moment. "Only if you talk about that, tetsu." He wasn't trying to hurt tetsu any more than tetsu was trying to hurt him. And yet, even as he said them, he knew how harsh those words could be. No matter how gentle his tone, the meaning wouldn't change.
tetsu lowered his head and was quiet for a long time. "Even if I don't talk about it....it won't go away..."
"Yes it will. Everything does if you let it."
"But I don't want to let it...."
"You will."
"I don't want to," tetsu protested, firmer this time.
"I got that part. I know that. And you will."
tetsu shook his head as if hyde was a child who simply didn't understand. "I won't. I won't let myself forget it."
hyde looked at him. He didn't want to drive tetsu away, and yet, he did. He couldn't win either way, and he couldn't decide what was easier. He let his emotions decide for him, his frustration at tetsu's stubborn refusal to listen to him taking over. His tone turned harsh, nearly bitter. "Then don't. But let me."
Unexpectedly, tetsu looked up into hyde's eyes, his own burning with tears. "Forget it if you want...but do you know how long I've felt this way? It's not just lust or a stupid crush. It took years to develop this much, and I'm never going to let myself forget this feeling--the feeling of being able to be the happiest person alive as long as you smile. I don't want to loose that. You understand...don't you? I'm not asking you to love me, or pretend to love me, or anything like that...because I know you won't. But if you forgetting this, and me never speaking of it again, will keep you smiling, then I will gladly shut up."
hyde stared at tetsu for a long, silent moment. He opened his mouth to speak, gave up, and shut it again.
tetsu felt defeated and embarrassed with himself for being so dramatic about this. He sat back, lowered his head again, and wiped at his eyes.
hyde felt rather defeated himself, and expressed this clearly. "I can't win." Again, his frustration came through as he snapped at tetsu.
"Too bad," tetsu spat, "neither can I."
hyde sighed, leaning back against the couch and looking up at the ceiling. "Well at least we agree."
tetsu scoffed. "Yeah, a lot of good that does us." His tone wasn't rude or sarcastic, but more sad and hopeless.
"Yeah." hyde's tone lacked all emotion whatsoever. Flat, like the white ceiling he was so carefully studying.
tetsu sighed heavily and held his head, but made no response.
hyde made a quiet noise of frustration.
tetsu sat back and glanced at hyde once again. "What now?" he asked, sounding rather tired.
"Nothing," hyde replied, in a completely flat tone.
"Nothing?" tetsu repeated, as if he hadn't heard right. "Not even trying to pretend that I never felt like this for you?"
"I believe that falls under the category of nothing." Again, his tone lacked even a proper normal speech pattern, much less emotion.
What little hope was left in tetsu's eyes dimmed as he gave a half-hearted "oh." He sighed again as if it would lighten this heavy feeling in his chest. "Are you...feeling okay?" He asked, concerned about hyde's blank stare and monotone answers.
"Sure." Of course not. Confused, upset, frustrated, and slightly angry were more fitting descriptions. In the purely physical sense, however, hyde’s answer was true.
tetsu pouted a bit and wrinkled his brows as his eyebrows scrunched in concern. "doihachirou...you don't look okay..."
hyde turned and looked at tetsu, his tone and facial expression exasperated. "I'm thinking. That a sin?"
tetsu shook his head and then asked a question of his own. "About what?"
"Everything." A short and curt answer. hyde looked away.
"Me too..." tetsu mumbled, watching hyde.
hyde sighed and looked at the clock. "I have to be somewhere," he said, this explanation given while he stood and walked into his room.
"Where?" tetsu asked in a tone that he had hoped would sound nonchalant, but it came out as almost a pleading sound.
hyde didn't even bother to turn around or stop as he answered. "Meeting."
"A meeting?" tetsu blinked, staring at hyde, surprised. "With who?"
hyde did stop and turn around for that one. "Manager."
tetsu faltered, "...when will you be back?"
"Later."
That's descriptive. tetsu wanted to say, it but instead found himself standing. "Fine. I'm going out to eat then."
"Alright. Enjoy." With that, hyde disappeared into his room.
"Don't think I'm giving up about you eating though!" he called from the living area before going to the second bedroom and getting a jacket and his wallet.
hyde didn't bother to reply, going through his clothes for something less scruffy-casual than he was wearing at the moment.
"Ja," tetsu called again, not waiting for a reply before leaving the apartment, practically slamming the door behind him.
How mature. hyde took a shower, dressed, and went to his meeting, flatly refusing to entertain any real thoughts during this process.
At the same time, tetsu went to a lesser-known restaurant and ate a small meal in silence, thinking over everything that had happened between them. Everything from what he let himself remember of the early years all the way up to this moment. He weighed the ups and downs and figured that they had shared more good then bad, and--despite hyde's current love problems--he couldn't understand why hyde wouldn't at least give him a chance.
It was exactly hyde's love problems that were why hyde couldn't give him a chance. Among other things. Many, in fact, that would surely come up later. In any case, hyde went to his meeting, being asked several times if he was paying attention and lying rather badly in reply.
tetsu paid his check and left the restaurant, heading back to hyde's apartment rather than walking around for a while. He wasn't in the mood.
Out of courtesy to tetsu, hyde had left his apartment door unlocked. He hated to do it, but, what other choice had there been? After the meeting, hyde went for a walk. He didn't want to go home. Not yet, anyway.
tetsu left his shoes by the door, slipped his jacket off, tossed it onto the bed of the spare room and returned to the living room. He sat himself down on the couch with a heavy sigh and stared at the TV, thinking over things one more time before turning it on.
hyde spent most of the day out, eventually having a small lunch at a rather small restaurant, and then going back to his aimless wandering. He saw a movie (that he didn't really like) in one of those theaters that shows movies after other theaters have stopped showing them.
It only took a short while before tetsu got bored with just watching TV. He went into the second bedroom, got out a notebook and a pen from his suitcase, and returned to sit in front of the TV, working on something he'd told himself he would finish.
Throughout the day, tetsu shifted from working in his notebook, to dully watching whatever caught his attention, to going out for an early dinner. He returned around 6:30 and went back to working. He glanced up from the pages upon pages of scribbled writing as hyde came home. "Welcome back," he said with a nod. It was something he always did when someone came back from something, it just felt polite. And right now, tetsu felt he should be as polite as ever, seeing as how he'd made a huge mess of things already...
hyde nodded in tetsu's direction and bent to take off his shoes. "Hey."
tetsu didn't want to bring anything up, so he continued to pretend like things weren't so bad...like he was picking up in a place he'd left off. The place before he ever confessed anything. "Did you get a lot of work done?"
hyde hung up his jacket as he answered. "Enough."
tetsu gave a nod, sparing the TV a glance. "That's good," he answered offhandedly.
"Hai." hyde headed to the kitchen to feed the cats.
"Have you had dinner yet?" tetsu called after him.
"What's it matter as long as I intend to?" hyde called back, petting the cats as they anxiously wrapped themselves around his ankles while he got their food out of the cabinet.
"Well, there is a difference between intending to eat dinner, and actually eating dinner...and it's not really a small difference either," he replied calmly, looking over some of the stuff he'd written and making corrections.
hyde sighed. "I'm going to. Lay off." He set the cat's bowls down on the floor, and both cats immediately lost interest in hyde, much preferring the food.
"Good boy," tetsu was back to joking, flipping through his mess of handwritten notes.
hyde made a face, not that tetsu could see it. "You need a dog, don't you?" he whined.
tetsu laughed and shook his head, turning the page again. "No; why would I need a dog when I've got a hyde? Be a good hyde and eat some dinner."
"You're just mean to me all the time," hyde whined again.
"Am not," tetsu laughed again, "I just like teasing you; it's too much fun."
"Meh." hyde quit whining. "Did you have dinner?"
"Yeah, I went out somewhere while you were gone."
"Alright. Easier for me then, I guess." hyde set about heating the leftovers from yesterday.
tetsu was pleased that hyde was actually going to eat. He was even more pleased that they were getting along well again. It was good to pretend...but he had nowhere near forgotten his real feelings. He turned back to the page he'd been working on before hyde got home and paused to think.
hyde was glad tetsu had let it drop as well. It was easier. Easy enough to pretend, easy enough to act like it hadn't happened. Not really, but he'd tell himself that. He lit a cigarette, puffing at it absently while waiting for the food to heat.
tetsu stared sadly at the words on the page before him. He'd been working on and off all day yet he felt like he was just writing the same thing over and over, but with different words. With a small sigh, he let his pen continue its drawled scribbling across the paper.
The food sufficiently warm, hyde put it on a plate, stubbed out the remainder of the cigarette (not that there was much left to it anyway), and brought it into the living room. It wasn't generally considered civilized to eat in the living room, was it? But it didn't matter.
tetsu glanced up at hyde and gave a fleeting smile before turning his eyes down to his notebook.
hyde glanced briefly at tetsu and his notebook, then busied himself with eating the leftovers. He didn't really like it; it was just easy.
With each word he finished, with each symbol that scrolled from his pen, tetsu became more and more frustrated. He tore the page out all together, wadding it into a ball calmly and setting it beside him. He placed his pen to the paper and began writing something he felt he written a million times.
hyde glanced at tetsu briefly, picking up slightly on his frustration. He assumed it would be best not to pry, returning his attention to the task at hand, which was eating this food, no matter how much he hated it and didn't want to touch it.
tetsu's hand stopped at a particular symbol, not wanting to make the strokes that spelt a word he wasn't too fond of anymore. The grip on his pen tightened and he forced himself to write it. 'Love'. He continued scribbling word after word down the page, his brow wrinkled in frustration.
tetsu's emotions were too obvious to ignore. hyde looked over at him, a bit concerned. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," tetsu lied quickly. "I'm just having trouble writing these lyrics..."
hyde nodded. "Then put it away and don't do it now. It won't be any good if you push." At least, that's how it worked for him.
tetsu shook his head shortly, "Can't. I've got to write it while the concept is still fresh in my mind...otherwise I'll forget it."
hyde shrugged. "Alright." Back to the soup.
Things weren't coming any easier. He reached that word again. God, why had he put it in the chorus? His hand shook and he wrote a very sloppy kanji of it. Then, desperately, he wrote whatever else came to mind, not even bothering with the flowing pattern. He just didn't want to look at that word anymore. He was pretending now...he wasn't supposed to think of any of...that.
hyde finally triumphed over the leftovers, and yes, to him it was a battle of wills. He took the empty plate into the kitchen, washing it and the pot he'd heated it in.
Once hyde had left, tetsu violently tore the paper from the rings that held it in the book. He angrily ripped it up, tears burning in his eyes as he crumbled it, all the while muttering softly and quickly under his breath.
Obviously, and thankfully, unaware of this, hyde dried the dishes and put them away, talking softly to his cats as they again wound themselves around his legs. "Idiot cats," he said, in a gentle tone of voice. "You're in the way, you know?"
tetsu wiped at his crying eyes, picking up the crinkled paper wads and his notebook, and retreated to the second bedroom.
hyde heard the door shut and sighed. tetsu was doing it again. Whatever "it" was, he couldn't put his finger on, but he didn't like it. He went out into the living room and shut the TV. It didn't interest him.
tetsu set the notebook down on the floor in front of the window, kneeling next to it. He flipped through the pages covered with lyrics that all basically said the same thing. His tears burned his eyes, blurring his vision. Anger and hopelessness tore at him so he tore at the pages, ripping each one out and tearing it until it looked like how he felt inside.
hyde sat down on the couch, pleased to see that Eros had already made herself comfortable in the corner. He brought her onto his lap, and she settled down again. He listened to and felt her purr as he entertained the thoughts he'd been shoving aside all day. What was he going to do about the situation with tetsu? He didn't have the answers, and neither did the cat.
tetsu sat back and stared at the mess he'd made. A loud sob broke from him and he curled over himself on the floor, crying above the mess of paper. He felt like he was loosing it...As much as he wanted to keep loving hyde...he didn't want it to feel like this...
hyde sighed softly. It wasn't going to do any good to dwell on this. Not at all. He sat with the cat as long as she'd tolerate him. She happened to be patient. Or lazy, depending on one's perspective
tetsu sat up, his face wet and eyes red. He looked at the mass of paper in front of him, gathered it gently into his cupped hands and dumped it in a small waste bin in the corner of the room. He threw himself down on the bed, hugging the pillow to his chest as he recovered from his crying fit. He wanted to go back into the living area to be with hyde, but he wasn't about to leave the room until he was sure all signs of crying were gone.
After about twenty minutes, Eros got bored. She fidgeted and jumped off hyde's lap, darting off to jump on her brother and start one of their rather amusing games of chase. You could never really tell which chased the other, and that made it all the more fun to watch. hyde stood and stretched a bit. Something to do. Something productive, perhaps. He watched the cats a bit distractedly.
tetsu finally decided that he'd collected himself enough and slipped out of the bed. He hesitantly opened the door, not really sure if the evidence was still there in his red eyes or not, but continuing into the living room nonetheless. He nodded to hyde as he sat down on the couch.
hyde looked over at him and smiled slightly. He didn't know what to say, so he kept silent.
tetsu smiled back even though he didn't know what to say either. He stared at the floor, "Couldn't finish the lyrics...just decided to take a break like you said." Like he needed to explain himself...Really, he had no idea of what to do now.
hyde nodded. He could guess that tetsu had been crying again--he looked it. "It might help..."
What else could he say? This was awkward.
tetsu swallowed hard, "Yeah..." He shifted uncomfortably. A few ideas bubbled forth in his mind but he wasn't sure if asking those sorts of questions would help him at all. He felt like every time he asked hyde something, he was taking one step forward and three steps back.
Awkward. Too awkward for hyde's tastes. He shifted his weight between his feet a bit, looking almost as uncomfortable as he felt.
"Doihachirou...?" tetsu broke the silence nervously, "Can I ask you something...?"
hyde thought about that briefly. He'd rather not be asked...but he couldn't say no. "Yeah."
"How's your kid doing...?" It was an out-of-the-blue question, and tetsu was aware of it, but he was only building up to the other questions he had in mind.
hyde blinked, surprised. He sat down on the couch next to tetsu. "He's fine.
"That's good..." tetsu didn't look up. "You've talked to Megumi-san lately?"
This was just weird. Way too weird. "Of course. I see her when I pick up my son."
tetsu gave a nod, "And she's okay too...?"
"Yeah."
Another nod. "Ano...have you talked to Gackt lately then?" There it was--the question he had in mind from the start.
"No." hyde answered curtly. He didn't feel like talking about Gackt, especially with tetsu.
"K..." tetsu was silent for a bit before speaking up again. "Do you..." he paused, knowing this would sound childish. "Do you think you would ever hate me?"
hyde gave him a very surprised look. "What?"
"Would you ever...get mad enough at me...where you wouldn't try to pretend you could stand me anymore?"
hyde blinked at him. "I can't imagine you'd ever do anything to make me." Where was this coming from? Because tetsu thought hyde couldn't stand Gackt? Probably...and that wasn't even true. But that was another story.
"So...do you think...we could pretend something different now?"
hyde didn't really understand that question. He thought about it for a moment, and still couldn't understand. "I don't think I understood that question," he said, softly.
"I'm tired of pretending that I don't feel anything for you. Can we pretend something else?"
hyde sighed. "You can pretend whatever you want, tetsu; I'm not in your head." This was exasperating. He didn't want to argue with tetsu, but this was too much.
tetsu numbly shook his head, "It won't work unless you're pretending too..."
hyde put his elbows on his knees and rested his forehead on the his palms. "What, then." He doubted that he would like the answer.
"Pretend you care..." tetsu choked out, "pretend that...that you care about my feelings for you. It's just as easy as me trying to pretend they never existed."
hyde gave him a look of utter disbelief. "You can't actually expect me to do that."
"Why not?" tetsu asked through a build up of more damn tears. "Why do you think you can expect me to act like I don't love you if you can't even act like you care?"
hyde made a small noise of frustration. "It's not that I don't care about your feelings, tetsu, it's that I can't be what you want."
"How do you know what I want? YOU ARE what I want, hyde..." tetsu was almost crying again. "You don't have to be anything but you..."
hyde was starting to feel the urge to cry himself. But that wasn't his way. "Stop begging. I'm not going to lie to you, if that's what you're asking for."
tetsu looked desperate, "Lie to me; I don't care...Just please don't ask me to pretend anymore..."
hyde turned to tetsu and gave him a look that bordered on anger. "Don't pretend, then, I don't care. I'm not lying to you. That's not how it works. You can't have everything." His tone hid pain with anger.
"I don't want everything...just you...the one thing I can't have...Why, hyde? Why won't you even try? Are you never going to fall in love again??"
hyde let anger take over completely. It was easier than letting this hurt him. "Are you going to try to force me? Because that's not how it works." His need to cry was gone.
tetsu looked at him sadly, "I can't make you do anything, hyde. You know you're too strong for that..." He repeated himself, "Are you never going to fall in love again?"
hyde clenched his teeth, stopped, and took a deep breath. "I don't know and I"m not worrying about it."
"You should at least think about it..." tetsu looked away now.
hyde stood. "Not now," he replied, as he turned away.
Not now? tetsu bit his lip, his hands curling into fists on their own. "When, hyde?" he forced himself to ask. "When will you give it some thought? Better yet, when are you going to stop pretending?"
"When I want to." With that, hyde walked away. tetsu didn't get it, and hyde really doubted that he was going to--at least, not soon enough for his liking. hyde didn't want an argument, anger, things said that would be regretted later, and he didn't want to stand around waiting for these things to manifest themselves. tetsu had done it several times now, and it was hyde's turn--he'd walk away from it, shut it out, and let hurt feelings serve as the lesser of the evils.
"In other words 'never'!" tetsu yelled after him, anger evident in his tone. He was sick of hyde just turning away from things like they didn't happen. Though it would probably be smarter and safer to do so, tetsu never really stopped to think when his emotions where in charge.
hyde's only reply was the bedroom door he shut behind him. He wouldn't, and perhaps couldn't, answer tetsu's accusation. He refused to try.
Normally, like all the other times, tetsu would've let it slide. He would've gone into the spare bedroom and cried or gone to sleep. This time, however, he was far too frustrated and angry. He got to his feet and found himself standing outside hyde's bedroom door. "You can't run away from this forever, hyde. As much as I'm sure you'd like to try!"
hyde sighed. Why couldn't tetsu be reasonable, rational, or at least a bit quieter? tetsu's words were true, but hyde didn't care to acknowledge this at the moment. He locked the door and laid down on his bed. tetsu would get the hint, wouldn't he? hyde hoped so.
tetsu frowned at the lack of a response. "Open the door, hyde, or I'll just wait here until you do." Immature? Yes. Effective? Probably.
Unfortunately for tetsu, hyde was extremely stubborn. Let tetsu sit there--hyde didn't move.
"hyde, you're going to have to come out eventually." tetsu was stubborn too--or could be when he really wanted something done, and right now he really wanted hyde to stop walking out on things.
tetsu had a point -- at some point, hyde would be forced to come out, if only to use the bathroom. But he had several hours before he'd concern himself with that. For now, he'd keep up the silence, keep ignoring tetsu, and hope tetsu's patience would give before his bladder betrayed him.
tetsu sat himself down outside of hyde's room and picked at his fingernails to pass the time. "I can wait longer than you think, doihachirou..."
hyde said nothing. He closed his eyes and sighed.
After about twenty minutes, tetsu was bored out of his mind but still stubbornly sitting in the same place.
hyde got up after about a half hour to get a piece of paper and write. He was afraid he'd go insane if he stayed still in the silence too long, thinking about things he wanted to ignore.
tetsu shifted from sitting to lying down. He stared at the ceiling dully and started to softly hum a melody that was stuck in his head.
hyde wrote for twenty minutes, not much caring for the end result. He set the paper aside and started over.
tetsu felt like he was going to fall asleep. For no reason, he kicked the door with his bare foot. "You still alive in there?"
hyde ignored him completely, as he had for the last fifty minutes.
"Oei...!" tetsu called in a half mumble. "You gotta come out sometime..."
hyde ignored this as well. "Sometime" wouldn't be for a good two hours, if hyde didn’t change his mind.
"Uah..." tetsu yawned as he stretched and knocked the door again with his foot. "doihachirou, you're so boring..."
hyde tuned him out, focusing on the lyrics. They were terrible, but it didn't matter. It was something to focus on.
tetsu sat up, leaning back against the door once more. "doihachirou....please say something..."
hyde refused to give in. Let tetsu think he was sleeping, or something. tetsu was being immature and demanding--hyde wasn't in the mood to deal with it any more.
tetsu pouted at the silence that met his ears. "doihachirou..." he whined, hitting the door lightly with the back of his hand.
hyde made a quiet noise of frustration that tetsu would not be able to hear. Why couldn't he just give up already...?
tetsu gave some kind of whiny-sobbing noise and stared at his feet, "You're not asleep--you can't sleep through that."
tetsu was right, but hyde wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing it. Instead, he set aside the second piece of paper, took out an unlined sheet instead, and started drawing.
tetsu sighed loudly and tilted his head back, bumping it lightly against the door. "...Baka..."
hyde ignored that as well, although he was beginning to get pissed off. So. What was he drawing again? He couldn't decide, so he just worked on drawing a random manga-style woman.
tetsu cursed mildly under his breath and leaned forward, trying to warm his toes with his fingers. "Ignoring me won't make me go away, hyde..."
hyde gritted his teeth. He'd noticed that by this point.
"hyde, if you don't come out of your room I might just have to kill your cats." Like he could. He was being immature but he was sick of this and every minute that ticked by was making him more frustrated.
hyde didn't believe that threat for a second. tetsu would never so much as kick one of them. Thus, he didn't reply.
"hyde!" tetsu turned and kicked the door again. "I'm sick of you ignoring me!" He was fed up already and wanted to cut straight to the point.
hyde clenched his jaw again. Now he was pissed. What part of being ignored wasn't tetsu understanding?
"Jerk..." tetsu muttered bitterly, kicking the door once more for good measure.
Unclenching his jaw, because that got uncomfortable, hyde went back to his drawing.
"hyde...why are you ignoring me?? Are you afraid of facing the truth for once? Or are you just deaf?"
At this point, hyde was pissed enough that tetsu was going to regret it if hyde actually did open the door. Still, hyde tried to tune this out.
tetsu muttered something about hyde to himself and hit the door with his foot again. "You aren't deaf; I know it. So what else could it be other than you're just scared?"
tetsu hit a chord. hyde was scared--although more than likely not of what tetsu thought he was. He was afraid of saying something he'd regret, afraid of loosing a friendship. What tetsu had meant, he didn't actually know. hyde clenched his jaw again and set down his pencil, staring at the hardly started drawing.
tetsu scoffed, unaware of what hyde was really feeling or thinking. "Yeah, you are scared! That's just sad...sad in a pathetic kind of way!" He was hoping that since whining and pleading didn't work, maybe taunting and tearing at pride would.
If his goal was to get hyde out of the room, yes. Eventually, he would piss hyde off enough to get him to open the door. If his goal included conversation, he'd fail miserably.
"What are you afraid of, huh? Words? Is that all? You're pretty pitiful..."
Moving slowly and carefully to keep the door from squeaking, hyde moved over to the door, his hand on the lock.
tetsu scoffed again, "You're afraid of something that's not even real! I said it once and I'll say it again--Pathetic." He had no idea if hyde was even listening anymore.
He'd know in about three seconds. hyde unlocked and opened the door as fast as possible, immediately stepping into the hall and standing with his feet on either side of tetsu's knees. He looked down at tetsu with a look of anger on his face. "Which one of us is begging, tetsu?" he pointed out, his tone mocking.
"Not me," tetsu said defiantly, looking up at hyde with anger in his eyes. Despite his position, he was awfully cocky.
hyde laughed as mockingly as his tone had been and continued to be. "You wouldn't call sitting outside my door almost an hour trying to get me to come out begging?"
"Nope," tetsu said smugly.
hyde sneered. "What, then?"
"Love?" tetsu dared, while staring hyde right in the eye.
hyde laughed. He actually sounded amused. In fact, he actually was amused. The situation itself was funny. It was so pathetic it was hilarious.
tetsu looked hurt but wouldn't take his eyes off of the other. "Glad you find that funny..."
hyde stopped laughing, chuckling softly instead. "Of course."
"What's so funny about it...?"
hyde shrugged. "Don't know. Just is." He changed subjects abruptly, and his tone turned harsh. "So what the fuck did you want so badly?"
"You," tetsu said boldly.
"Not getting that. Try again." hyde answered coldly. He didn't mean to be so harsh, but at the moment, he was more pissed than concerned about the friendship.
"Try again?" tetsu did as told and repeated himself firmer this time, "You."
hyde snapped at him this time. "Find something else to want."
"I can't..." he answered weakly now.
"You will, though, so lay off about it." hyde's tone was less harsh, but still clearly aggravated.
"I won't..." tetsu protested even weaker than before.
hyde made a loud noise of exasperation and stepped to the side, moving so tetsu was free to get up. "Yeah. You will. Drop it."
"I won't..." tetsu repeated, feeling his heart crumbling. "I love you." Tears burned his eyes.
hyde gave tetsu a cold stare. "Saying it a hundred times won't make me understand it any more or change anything, so just stop."
"I love you," he said again as if he hadn't heard anything hyde said.
"Shut up."
"No. I love you," he said again, water spilling from his eyes. "I love you, hyde."
hyde turned his back. He couldn't watch this. "Shut up and go."
"Go where?" tetsu asked, his voice soft. "I won't leave until you understand this...I love you...I'll say it more than a hundred times...I'll say it until you understand it."
hyde refused to turn around, instead looking at the wall, his back to tetsu. "I do understand. But there's nothing I can do about it. You're making things awkward and I just want you to go." His tone was cold; it sounded unnatural to him.
tetsu choked back a sob and shook his head, even if hyde couldn't see it. "I love you...you say you understand it but I don't think you do..."
hyde turned around and gave tetsu an angry stare. "You don't understand me, and that's the problem here. I get it. I didn't want to know. I don't love you, I don't think about you in the way you want me to, I'm not going to, and you're just making things difficult." By things, hyde meant their friendship. Although hyde was rather concerned that it was already rather badly damaged.
"No!" tetsu cried. He was scrambling to grab hold of the last shred of hope within him. "No! I don't want to hear that! I don't want to live without you!! I love you, hyde! I loved you before he did, but you still gave him a chance!"
hyde really would have liked to grab tetsu and shake him, see if it would get him to his senses. He was being pathetic. Incredibly. But he refrained, instead shouting, "Dammit, that's just how it is some times; would you get a hold of your fucking self!"
tetsu fell silent, staring up at hyde with tears still wetting his face. "I need you..." his voice cracked.
"That's pathetic," hyde shot back. It was cruel, and he knew it, but it was easiest.
tetsu looked extremely hurt and swallowed roughly. "So, it's true..."
hyde didn't get it, didn't want to know, and asked anyway, sighing with exasperation. "What's true?"
"That I need you, and I love you, and I want you to love me, but you won't. I don't understand why. And all of this is pathetic. But so what. It's true. I can't lie about it."
hyde sighed. Anger was tiring. Watching tetsu act this way was somehow tiring as well. "It's not an obligation, tetsu. You can't force me to feel anything."
"I know...If I could've, I would've already." He wasn't giving up because, somehow, he'd managed to find a small flutter of hope that would keep him going from day to day. It gave him a reason to wake up. The last thing he wanted was to have it die on him, but he was making it vulnerable by begging like this.
"So accept that I don't or keep it to yourself. I have no part in it." hyde's tone lacked emotion, and his expression was neutral.
Beg. The word flitted through tetsu's mind. He refused to let go. "No...hyde...you don't understand...I need you, please don't do this..." He was so frustrated now. "Why won't you give me a chance? You gave one to Gackt! Was he so important to you? What was so special about him? Why does he deserve your love? I hate him!"
"Stop begging. It doesn't become you." Again, hyde appeared completely unemotional. Maybe that would get through to tetsu better than anger.
"Fuck you!" tetsu screamed, completely distraught. "Fuck you and fuck Gackt! You're killing me, hyde, and I bet you just love it, don't you? Aw, poor idiot tetsu and his 'love'; he's so stupid, haha. Fuck you!"
hyde turned and leaned against the wall beside tetsu. "I'm not enjoying this any more than you are." hyde couldn't work up the effort to be as cruel to tetsu as tetsu was being to him.
tetsu was crying openly now. "I love you damn it...doesn't that mean anything to you? Why won't you give me a chance...? It's all his fault, isn't it? If it weren't for that stupid son of a..." tetsu was crying again, resting his forehead on his knees.
hyde sighed. To begin with, there was some level of truth in that. He wasn't overly interested in relationships when the last two had hurt so badly. And beyond that, tetsu was being irrational. "I'm done reasoning with you, tetsu. Please just go." hyde almost sounded as though he were begging himself.
tetsu looked up at him, his face red and eyes tired. "What good will it do if I stay or go? There's too much hurt between us now..." He looked away, crying again.
"So then give it the time to hurt less." hyde replied instantly, and softly.
tetsu didn't look up this time, "I want to believe it's that easy when you say it like that..."
"So do I. So do so," hyde replied quietly.
tetsu pushed himself to his feet. Crying silently and without another word, he went into the bedroom to get his stuff.
hyde went back into his own room and shut the door. He assumed tetsu had gotten the hint and would leave. It was easier this way...right?
After gathering his things and setting his suitcase by the door, tetsu stood outside hyde's door one last time. He forced himself to say something, his voice cracking out in a whisper. "I love you doihachirou...Saraba." tetsu slipped on his shoes, picked up his luggage and left, shutting the door quietly behind him.

comments are welcome and appreciated