| Cueva Del Guácharo |
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| 06:31pm 04/05/2008 |
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Venezuela's flat lands are surprisingly dry and boring in places, almost deserty at times depending on where you are. The people are very friendly and the food, though very strange is tasty. On this particular trip we drove through that area and up hill into the more forresty areas. As the trees grew denser we started to see banana farms nestled near the roads, and small homes with chickens scratching the ground around them. The roads twisted and turned with nothing but trees on either side for ages and soon after we all decided that we were quite hungry a turn in the road brought us to a little old lady sitting by the road selling something that looked like an empanada. It was one of the nicest and defiantly the most exotic breakfast I've ever had and to this day I don't think I'll ever find out how to get or make it again. We carried on and discovered a small town with brightly coloured houses in two straight lines facing each other over a thin dusty road. The children playing in the street wore almost festive looking clothing which showed bright colours though the dust. We carried on till we found a restaurant that sat on the edge of a cliff, maybe even a little over it, they had some toucans nearby and an inviting grassy lawn that was so green it reminded me of home in England. I don't remember what I ate but I do remember that it was interrupted by a huge commotion at the other end of the restaurant. There was a shriek and a chair fell to the floor and people ran around and shouted, then people laughed and clapped. People started to sit down and as the crowd began to sit back down at their tables we saw for ourselves that someone had decided that it would be nice to feed to toucans. The toucans had then decided that this man did not, in fact, actually need his pie, came into the restaurant (which like many in the country had no walls around the eating area), and took it. Of course no one with any sense will fight a bird with a bill that big for any pie, no matter how good it was. After lunch I played with some other children on the grass and was ushered back into the car to the National Park of Cueva Del Guacharo.
I don't think I actually knew what we were there for because apart from some very pretty butterflies I found the place just hot and boring at first and wanted to go home. I think I thought we'd just gone out to drive for the day maybe. After a little while of standing around at the visitors center though we were instructed, along with some other people to follow a guide up a path through some tropical bushes and trees. The rain forest here wasn't like it had been by angel falls, it was shorter and less impressive I think. We soon came upon a huge cave that stood out like the mouth of some giant monster and all around the foliage was so thick that you couldn't see any mountain or cliff. It was like the cave just appeared from nowhere. The ground was flat and a sandy yellow, the cave was just a huge void of black. Occasionally the black flutter of wings could almost, but not quite be seen and the noises of creatures within. We waited a while for everyone to get ready, and my sister was strapped into a backpack-like contraption on my mum's back. She was maybe a year old at the time and though she was used to sitting in it it was obvious that no one at the cave that day had ever seen anything like it before.
The tour started and we were told a little about the history of the cave, it was about 10 km long or 6 miles, hot high it was at the tallest parts and that in some places the roof was so low no humans could explore it yet. It was made of lime stone and was home to bats, frogs, fish, cockroaches, and many other things. We saw bats first. I'd been in many caves before and was quite used to them and just enjoyed their presence. We didn't walk very far before all light from outside was completely gone. The bath was only wide enough for two people in most places but in some maybe three people abreast, the cave was very wide though, the narrowest parts were wider than a lorry is long. After a while we thought we noticed something flying around that wasn't bats. Something what was a bit bigger and to our surprise yelled "guacharo!" in a croaky voice. It was the strangest thing you can imagine. The tour guide would stop every now and then to tell us about some of the odd shapes in the cave, but every now and then he'd stop and tell us about the things that lived there. He told us about the bats and how they lived in colonies on the ceiling which is normal in many caves, there were also cave snakes up there and guacharos which he said were very rare and nested only in a few caves. The had the most guacharos anywhere in the world. He shone his light up and we saw them. Little birds, with their nests fluttering around like bats. The guide told us how important the bats and birds where to the other creatures in the cave. Their droppings, feathers, egg shells and anything that died up there fell to the floor of the cave and became guano which provided food and compost for the cave. The man shone his light on the ground by the bath and there were big gasps from the crowd ad everyone for the first time got a look at the floor, which as moving! There were so many cockroaches and other creepy crawlies eating and living in the guano that the floor was a shiny black sea of movement as things crawled over each other in search of food. A little stream of surprisingly clear water ran through the bottom of the cave, it had special craps, shrimp, fish, frogs and other creatures that only lived in caves, because they were blind from living in the dark for so long and white because in suck a dark place they didn't need to have colour to camouflage themselves. Many even had bright pink or grayish-white eyes or just no eyes at all. The creatures in the water ate the guano that fell in the stream and each other.
We walked on and after a while it came to our attention that my sister was trying to give people heart attacks. She could hear "guacharo" being repeated over and over and is appeared had come to the conclusion that it was being said by the people around us. So, not wanting to be left out of the fun, she started to pop out from behind my mum's head at people and yell "guacharo!" which, since everyone was so impressed with the cave that they had forgotten about her, terrified some people almost to death. I have to admit that since she could hardly say anything at the time I was very much impressed with her impersonation of the birds.
It had been quite hot outside the cave, and very clammy, but I was surprised to find that while it sliwly got slightly cooler as we went deeper, the air was still just as damp. We had to try hard not to think about the cockroaches. I've heard that some places in England have them, though I've never seen them myself. In America they get quite big, the big ones are about as long as your mum's hand is wide. The ones in Venezuela the big ones are the length of your mum's hand longways. They can fly, their bit hurts when they decide to bite, they move very quickly and even though I'm now brave enough to kill the American ones on my own with a spray bottle and standing as far away as possible, I was defiantly not ready to deal with one in this cave. Fortunately none of them came onto the path, or at least not that I ever saw.
Eventually we had to stop, our guide explained that we were two miles into the cave and altough the cave went much deeper the path ended here. His light shone into the distance but the darkness just ate it up and all it really showed was the cave walls that were close to us. He said that the scientists had explored a few miles deeper but even there weren't sure just how much of it there was. It was dangerous in some places, and the scientists who worked there were also afraid that humans in the cave would damage the ecosystem within. Even a small team of scientists might upset the creatures there but large tours and a path built too deep would take out too much space for the native creatures. They'd decided that for both financial and ethical reasons it was best that the cave stop at two miles. That way people could visit and appreciate the cave, and get an idea just how amazing the cave was while only seeing a small section of it.
I was a little worried that the trip back out of the cave would be boring but as it turned out the cave had so much to see that the guide had only shown us about half on the way in and had saved the rest for the walk out. Most of it was the names of the formations of stalagmites and stalactites, but there were little bits of history about when things were discovered and by who and sometimes how. There was an opening way up high in the cave what wasn't found for ages and when the scientists got climbing gear and investigated it it turned out that it was a small tunnel that led to another huge cavern just like the one were were in but there was no way to safely get normal visitors there without horribly damaging the cave. |
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| Another Move on the Horizon? |
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| 03:56pm 15/04/2008 |
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Sooo. Apparently he guy who owns the place where mum's shop is might be going out of business but regardless mum's kinda fed up with the whole business thing even though it is going quite a lot better now. Ku's family lives in a mansion but still clings on to the old house which his dad uses as a refuge from his wife but Mrs Sides is all crazy and controling which means that she's desperatly trying to get just about anyone to move in (my theory is to keep her husband at home rather than to make money). Mum used to teach at the college on the north side of town and phoned to see if she could get her old job back. She just got the answering machine but she probably will, apparently they were pretty sad to see her go. She's also thinking about doing teaching illiterate adults and or teaching english to non-native speakers. Mrs Sides doesn't seam to mind it idea of us renting the house from her and I think I'm much more likely to get a job up there than down here. At least I'll have friends, know the area and maybe even start on my education finaly. I've been spending all my time recently at the house and only come to work and use the internet maybe once a week at the VERY most. If we do custom work from home then we will definatly have internet at the Sides house. I'm hoping that a certain Jillian might be around for the summer, and that maybe we'll be moving early in the summer. I'm a bit worried about the healths of various people. I'm going to try to get my family to start eating a little differently. I've already convinced them to do Yoga with me occasionaly, and (I probably shouldn't admit to this) to help me time Elly's time outs I explain to her why she's in trouble then to 40 crunches.... and it helps me get a lot of excercise some days. I'm hoping that life will maybe start getting a little easier, if not more convinient at least. |
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| Walking the cat |
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| 09:13am 03/04/2008 |
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Jillian couldn't hang out with me the Friday before she was due to leave, turns out that was fantastic because that night Elly woke me up by vomiting horrificaly in her sleap about 3am and the next day was the first of about a week or being incapable of leaving the house due to my own illness. Elly and I were called back home a few days before full recovery to help at home, so basicaly everyone at home also got sick... at leawst once.
After I recovered but while having to take care of the ailing people in the house (one by one for the most part) I spent whatever free time I had in the garden where I've planted a bucn of things, including a petunia and four pansies that I found abandoned around the trailer park. The petunia actualy came from a lot where the house was taken away, the pansies came from a trailer that was vaated about a month ago. My dead tree came back to life... or at least it's growing a new tree from the bottom of the old one, I'll probably have to cut top off the original part to make room, and I've got three new shrubs. Purple, red and orange flowers. The one with purple flower should get about 3X3 ft, and the other two are the same species and should get maybe 6X6 ft. I uncovered a brick path that took two days to completely uncover and is still horrificaly muddy but a good storm or two should help. It doesn't go all the way to our steps so I moved some stuff around, elongated the path a bit and am working on a small patio at the bottom of our steps. It's functional at least. The fire ants are getting horrible, I almost can't do anything out there, I actualy got bitten yesterday. My foot was actualy covered with ants, but amazingly I escaped with only five bites and by using medication and ice instantly I've actualy stopped it from getting too bad. I dont think I'll be getting tracers this time at least.
Pepper went missing a few days ago, and after the third day we just assumed we wouldn't see her again. Then the night before last I took the dog out for our nightly walk, and I could hear a cat crying a bit ahead of us. It didn't even occur to me that it was Pepper because she's so quiet and keeps to herself, so assuming it was an unknown kitten I started to make plans to take the dog back after disposing out the rubbish and come back to look under the trucks for any lost kittens. Then suddenly there was a lot of scratching and thudding and a dark fuzzy shape came flying off the foor of a trailer at us. After that Pepper's been almost inseperable from Saffy. She and Saffy spend more time together than ever before and Pepper's a lot more friendly now, to myself and mum at least and she's so fixed on spending time with Saffy that she actualy goes for walks with us. I mean, she honestly follows us all over the place, sometimes walking shoulder to shoulder with the dog. |
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| This is a bit like the forrest for the trees thing >> |
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| 12:49pm 18/03/2008 |
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Chris keeps a sort of diary thing. Just to alleviate boredom, nothing I wants to keep hidden from me I guess. He told me I could read it some time, just in case there was anything he hadn't remembered to tell me or whatever. I was kinda curious what his non-story telling style would be like. It's a lot like how he talks really. Most of it I already know, or kinda understood but was pleasantly surprised to read, considering they were just passing thoughts, rather than actually meant specifically for my eyes. However I now feel really stupid. I've been kinda short sited. I mean, I knew Chris had problems, I mean, he's really good and does mention them, he hardly ever keeps anything specifically from me, but somehow I didn't really come home for me till just now as I was reading. I tried to be helpful before but I've always known it was rather futile on my behalf. Now I think I know what I need to do... maybe more than just one thing, though some changes might take a little bit of time. I really love Ku, I cause him a lot of concern and worry and I don't like that, I would rather give him support than make things worse by having him worry about me as well as his problems. I think both of us have to start thinking a little differently but I know I can't really do anything for his side of it other than make suggestions and gently persuade, I however, can put more effort into making changes. Who knows, maybe I'll even succeed.
Jillian, you really do need to contact me back. I know you're not feeling too good so I'm not going to feel hurt if you don't want to hang out, but I would like to know what's going on. |
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| It's my mum's fault I'm this way. |
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| 11:28am 10/03/2008 |
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mood:  impressed
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Quite a bit of this is very accurate. Some are more accurate if you change the meaning; like I don't get excited as in jumping for joy or anything, very rarely at least, but I can become immensly dissapointed when things don't work out and I can get pretty excited negitively if I get upset enough. Though I don't have too many tantrums any more. I think I'm a bit more relaxed and less intense than the test shows because I'm a pices. Gotta love your birth sign ^^
What Harriet Means
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You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.
You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.
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| Angel Falls |
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| 11:29am 01/03/2008 |
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I don't remember much of the trip to Angel Falls, apart from airports, but what I do remember is that we ended up on a small rickety plane. It was pretty small on the outside, less than half the size of any I'd been in before and it had an old-fashioned bubbly shape to it which made me think that maybe it was used during a war some time. On the inside it was big an open, you could almost imagine you were in a big flying egg but with windows for tons of light to shine through. It rattled as we flew, and it was hot, just like outside all over Venezuela. As we gained altitude it got a little cooler but but much as the sun beat down on the little plane. After a while there were late table topped mountains either side of the plane. It was as if through the light mist bellow out plane some giants had brought big tables with great big tablecloths of jungle, all just waiting and begging to be explored. Great cliffs clung to their edges and trees and vines nestled themselves around these. Even the giant parrots fluttering around over the forest bellow now were too small to detect. The plane dropped bellow the level of the mesas and we drifted between them like a lost moth for a while, till we came around a corner and there we saw what we had come to find. A plume of feathery white delicately graced the top of the mesas above us. It dropped gracefully past us to a small outcrop where it disappeared. Then it came forth again, and continued to another, where it crashed against another, until finally it was lost in it's own spray to some distant place bellow. Far at the bottom in the deep wild jungle. You couldn't hear it, but even over the loud humming and ricketing of our plane you could imagine the deafening thunder of the water as it pounded against the jungle floor beneath the trees.
We finally landed in a large open place in the middle of the rain forest. The only open place that I had seen here at all. There were big huts here, with Indians. Some had no shirts on, and some had big, American style t-shirts with American logos on them. The ate fried yucca, palmito, rice and some other things I didn't recognize with them an soon they took the people from our plane along a path into the woods. It was hot, and humid, and the shade was cracked by beams of sun that sliced through the leaves and turned the leaves on the ground around us gold amongst dull browns and dusty grays. In the shadows I could see the flutter of red and green feathers but they were gone before I could see what they belonged to.
Soon we were out in the open again. Before us was a huge, wide, unbelievable lake. The size itself wasn't that amazing, so much as the colour of the lake. It was red. Not blood red, for it had yellow in it, almost gold. Tiny canoes sat like pencils against its shores waiting for us. The sun turned to world into a big golden oven as to trudged to the pencils. We had to help push the canoes into the water and then carefully jump in before we got too wet but without tipping them over. It was very tricky but we managed. The Indians warned us that whatever we did we must not touch the water because piranhas lived in the water, so of course everyone swayed their hands in the water and wet their hankies to wipe their faces with, except me, I didn't want to ruin my trip by loosing a finger. I remembered an incident with a fence, and no one had warned me about that! Even without touching the water though it made the world a little cooler, and then we saw a large waterfall. Not angle falls by any stretch but as a baby waterfall of the jungle this was a little taller than a house, and wider than tow train sections. The Indians explained that the reason the water was red was because of all the minerals that the waterfalls churned out of the ground.
It took us a while but we reached the shore on the other side and found that our trail led uphill. It was dusty and dry and the scorched the dust that slid into my sandals as I crunched up the path over dried roots and yellow tufts of grass. At the top of the hill the path rook a sharp turn to the left and we were eaten up by the jungle. Here though, it wasn't as dark and gray as before. Here the place shone with a sort green light down long tree trunks a impressive as columns in a great cathedral. The ground was dotted with small bright green plants along side out path. "Don't touch the trees," on of our guides said, and stopped suddenly. He turned around, and since he happened to be right in front of me I was the first to see what he had in fact caught in his own hands. "You might accidentally touch one of these," he held a tiny tree frog, no bigger than a penny curled up happily in his palm, as he addressed out group. "And if it's any bigger than this it will kill you. Especially you!" he said look down at me. "It doesn't hurt me because I'm a man," he said, then very carefully to let the little frog go back into it hiding place on the tree from which he had come.
The path wound lazily up hill over roots of ALL different sizes, around ragged boulders and at one point past a cliff that disappeared into a green leafy void. The only things that didn't change were the trees, thick, thin, brown, silver, and just about every one had a vine growing up it. Like big, fat lazy snakes that clung around their trees. Far into the canopies above I saw tiny, furry hands and tails that accompanies little cackles, which only added to all the commotion of the trees surrounding us. Our lazy path led our tired party onto a wide ledge. On one side was the side of a mesa, and the other was the great rain forest sprawled out into the distance. But the most fascinating thing was the white wall over water in front of us. Our path went right through it, or so we thought. It was not like a shower. It was not like water. It was like rocks were being pushed down on us as we walked along the length of the waterfall. The mountain side had been worn away by the water to make a thin path bellow us and low ceiling of slippery bumps. Slippery bumps on one side a solid, white, moving wall on the other. As you walked along the pressure of the water on your head and shoulders changed. You forgot what not having it on you felt like and when it was lightest I could almost pretend it was just raining, and when it was heaviest I could almost imagine that I as helping to hold up the mountain above me. When we finally got out I was almost afraid I'd float away into the huge blue sky. I'd never felt so light before.
Nick had made a friend under the waterfall, a tall skinny man who was dressed all in black. That's all I really noticed about him, there was nothing particularly interesting about him other than that he was in our group and Nick had found something to talk with him about. I said Hi and was polite but wouldn't think about him till many months later in a very different place.
We climbed a short way and found ourselves on top of a small mesa. There were large flat rocks of rich red splattered around the edge and rushing between was shallow water which gave a hazy salute of spray as it jumped off the edge. The water here was almost clear, but still had a red tint too it, there was none of the golden glow, from the valley. There was vast wilderness all around us, large cats, monkeys, flowers, frogs, ancient ruins, giant bugs. And we just sat down and let our legs rest before it was time to go home, because that's all that any one felt like doing. Even though it wasn't the top of the earth, it felt like it. |
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| Maybe this time I've found my calling? |
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| 11:49am 27/02/2008 |
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I like nature, I want to help the world, both sides of my family have avid gardeners (Grandma and Grandpa have an anazing garden plus an alotment that provides them with enough food to not only eat but also sell for extra cash, Grandad runs the veggie garden at the Wakes Museum, and his brother is the head rose gardener for the queen herself). There's a growing market for green and eco-friendly things, and well there's other factors in this but it'll get boring. The thing is that I think I can become an eco-friendly garden/landscape consultant or omething of the sort. Nursery specialist for the green-minded, I could work for a big company or, more likely for me go solo. I've already begun to study with just the internet and I've already learned some pretty amazing things over the past few days. I need to go to college for chemistry and some other unpleasant things like that. To be honest though, while mum and Nick are being amazingly supportive (Nick's actualy way more optimistic than usual about this idea of mine) I'm pretty sure my friends are going to be kinda in the not really caring area, which is fine, but I really doubt Ku will understand. I don't know why, it's just the way he is. I think he'd rather me do something he can see benefitting him, like the cullinary idea, but with hardly any sence of smell I could never go far with that. I've got a horrible fealing that even if I was succesful with the gardening thing he'd never really take it seriously. Maybe oneday, when I can actualy get things to stay alive and grow I can make a nice place for the two of us and he'll like it. I think I'll just not really mention too much of this to him so he can't be too dissapoimted with me.
Maybe trying to help save and preserve the world is futile, maybe it is too late, but what's wrong with hoping and trying to do something about it? What's wrong with making a living out of doing something I feal is important and helping to educate others? |
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| American Woodcocks? |
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| 02:30pm 20/02/2008 |
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I walk Saffy each night (that I'm at home) and in recent months we've seen though mostly heard some strange birds. Saffy gets pretty wound up about them. They make a high pitch noise and swoop into the air when disturbed but mostle hide in the grass and run accross and around in the road very quickly. I think I've worked out what they are: http://www.houstonaudubon.org/index.cfm/act/newsletter.cfm/newsletterid/204/category/Bird%20Gallery/MenuGroup/Home.htm
I've found some old wood in our area, just sorta abandoned. I've also found that there's loads of web site with plans to build bird houses. I'm going to see what in an area like ours might want a home, and see what sort of designs they'd need. Turns out birds can be really picky about where they nest. I don't really want to spend $30 or more on something I can make myself and that might not be used for a for a few years. Thinking I'll ask Nick or Mr Sides for help conserning tools. |
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| Dreaming of Death |
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| 10:31am 20/02/2008 |
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I dreamed that I was in a horrible car crash. I dreamed that I was a waitress and another disgruntled employee came in with a gun but woke up just before he went on rampage. University students keep getting gunned down. To be honest I really do envy them. But I'll probably never go to college, university or have any other opportunity of getting murdered. I don't come in contact with enough people. Three years, one month, and 8 days till I'm allowed to leave home. And what then? Will I actualy be able to? Me who apparently can't have a job, can't get any money, can't get an education. Will Ku actualy have the self control to save up enough to even consider getting a home for us? Even if he can will he honestly still want anything to do with me? Even my own mother told me I was a shit parent. So much for being supportive. Honestly, if I did try killing myself I'd just fuck it up and have to live with the knowledge that not only do I know I'm a selfish bitch and completely pathetic but my entire family will think it too... more than they already do at least.
I litteraly witnessed Charly spank Elly this morning for sitting down against the table that supports the TV. Not even touching the TV or playing with anything. Elly was just sitting there, not doing anything at all. And Charly just went up to her and spanked her. When I told Charly how infair that was and how I never wanted to see her lay a hand on Elly again (no that she's ever been allowed to punish Elly) it somehow turned into how I'm an unfit parent. I mean, I honestly know I am, I try my best but I can't do anything write, but unless someone can actualy tell me how to do it write I really don't want to actualy be told. And are there any sudjestions comming from them? No. Elly just walked around for 20 minutes randomly smaking herself where Charly had hit her which a completely bewildered look on her face saying "Bad baby".
I just want to throw up whenever I think about how much I hate my family and my life. My teath hurt though, and the health insurance company wont let me on because of something to do with how we want to pay, so I can't do anything about the bleeding or the pain. I thought I always did a good job of cleaning my teeth when I was bulimic before. Now I'm not even going to risk it. If I can't even get them looked at. When they fall out I'm completely fucked. See how much Chris is interested in me then. I'm so fucking lame. |
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| Elly the drummer |
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| 05:54pm 10/02/2008 |
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So I watched Elly playing the drums. Very enthusiastically pausing only momentarily to flip over one of her drums and take an imaginary sip from what she perceives momentarily to also be a cup. I mull over the idea that if she really wanted to be a drummer and made sure to practice often I'd probably get her a drum kit to follow her interests. And I suddenly think. You fucking hypocrite.
I'm going to get my ass in gear and see if I can still do that art class that mum already paid off ages ago. I'm tired of thinking of myself as a lazy piece of crap who does absolutely fucking nothing for our future. Should see if I can at least do that while I've got no money. At least get in under my belt. |
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| AAAAAAARRRRTTT! |
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| 05:23pm 10/02/2008 |
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So. Chris bought me less tan $8 worth of art supplies yesterday and last night I went crazy. Yeah. I'm pretty fucking happy. I mean, it didn't look pretty he just let me do whatever and I ended up naked (so my clothes wouldn't get ruined) on is bedroom floor with my art supplies absolutely in my element last night (under the influence of metric and some other amazing bands). A few interesting results came out. I have a few stories of how certain things I drew came to be, but regardless of what any of the results actually look like I can say for a 100% certainty that I am pretty damn happy with myself and feel amazingly awesome in myself.... I might find a camera some time and sow off my crappy art. ^_^ |
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| Rearanging Friends |
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| 02:28pm 08/02/2008 |
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So... I while back I put Jillian, Cameron and Ku in the family section of that thing on hotmail, Todd and Silv in Coworkers since I knew them but not well enough to call friends, and some middle people in Friends. Just noticed how messed up my categorizing of people was just now. Todd's in my family list now and I descided not to delet Cameron just iun case of some sort of emergency, there's a few others I descided not to delete, just in case, they are now in coworkers. Not friends but not deleted either just in sace some how, some day there's some huge catastrophe and I actualy want or need to talk to those people again. Take that Joy! Now you're actualy among my friends, not just a random person!
Elly plays dead now. It's pretty cute. She also goes to the knife/spoon/fork drawer and demands "gook! gook!" untill she's given a wooden spoon and a pot then goes of to cook imaginary soup. I get to taste her cooking... a lot. So she gets to hear what a great cook she is really often. She's awsome at cooking blocks for someone whos not allowed to play with the stove. Her favorite quote is currently "eat my shorts" from the sympsons.... which has very cleverly been shortened to "eat short!". |
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| A Path Diverged In The Woods |
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| 03:45pm 04/02/2008 |
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A path diverged in the woods; and I took the safe one. For years I didn't think about it but a few months ago I remembered looking over the egde of the othe path, the steep drop bellow where a few trees clung to the slope. I remembered the awe. I remembered the narrow path and how it curled gracefully out of view in a matter of feet. How his hand held out to me beckoning me to the safety beyond and whatever secrets that path may have concealed. But I looked down that impossible slope again and was parralized with fear. He signed and I can still feel his aggitation with me so strongly it makes me cringe. He came back and led the way down a path to the right. It was safe. I don't know the way back to that place.
It's nagging at me. Some day I must find that path and see what lay beyond. I doesn't really matter what's beyond. I wont be dissapointed, as long as I go accross. I'm a much different person now. No one who knew me then will see what I've become and no one I know now will ever know what I was. I don't think even Ku will ever know exactly. |
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| Ghost Stories |
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| 09:55pm 28/12/2007 |
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I'm not nice. I snap at Ku when he really doesn't deserve it and all he can do it worry about never wanting to lose me. It's really not fair. I don't know why I have to be vicious. I wish he'd stop worrying about me dying. I think I might have to kill whoever introduced him to House. I think it was Todd. He started getting... slightly ore paranoid about me after he started watching that, then I started... having a certain symptom which I'm not going to mention in case people get upset and which I am going to get checked out... if it continues. So now he's gone from occasionally (three times a month probably), commenting on how he doesn't think he'd survive without me, now going on about it longer about twice a day at the very least. He even phases out when I'm trying to talk to him about something or explain something detailed to think about how he doesn't know what he'd do without me. Today in the car he even asked me to repeat what I'd just said only to phase out a second time thinking about how some people basically curl up into balls of unhappiness when their mates die. The other day he told me he'd probably kill to keep us together. I'm not sure if he's just being Ku or if there's something else going on here. I mean, this is Ku, unless he's messing around with a guy friend he'll never hurt another soul. You could probably punch him in the face and he'd just tell the person they're an ass hole... maybe, if he feels insulted enough. Then he quickly tried to cover his ass by telling me that of course if I tried breaking up with him he wouldn't kill me for that... Thanks Chris.
I have to admit that when I do feel like he's just trying to manipulate me I can shrug it off pretty easily. You might even be able to class me as callous now. I can't say I don't feel anything for him though. I find it hard sometimes getting through the week without a hug here and there, and sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of just pure happiness when we are holding each other close. But dear god. I can't tell him that I'm probably going to pine to death myself if anything ever happens to him. I like to think of myself as being able to deal with things better than that. Maybe I would just fall apart, of maybe I'd just be very lonely for quite a long time. I am not going to tell him one way or the other because... I dunno. As much of a pessimist as I can be, can't we just think about what we have now? I dunno, maybe I just have a different kind of love? I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I don't like being disappointed. Probably one of my pet peeves probably. But I do love companionship. When he's not around I can survive but he's like a male version of me. I don't feel quite as comfortable with anyone else. I can be naked around him, both literally and emotionally. We don't have to talk. We can sit in the same room doing completely different things with no communication and we're still spending time together. We can talk for hours on the phone and I'll still feel disconnected.
Ku's worried that I'll die and leave him behind, but I think his religious beliefs are strong enough that he'd not commit suicide. I have to admit that I wouldn't really want him to because he might end up being stuck somewhere forever and he'll never be able to see me again. He makes comments about thinking it's best if I go first though so I wont be lonely without him, so I guess he doesn't realize that as a woman, and with my family history, assuming I don't have a heart attack I'm probably going to outlive him by at least a decade and I think if I haven't already I can certainly come to terms with that. But it also means that assuming his beliefs are still the same when we are older, he wont do a double suicide. So he's kinda condemning himself. I don't plan on suicides any time soon but I think that once we are so old there's nothing really left for us it can't really be that bad. Two happy old wrinkly people with arthritis so bad they can't so much as go on romantic walks any more, going to bed in each others arms knowing that whatever is coming next is just another step in their adventures together.
My Gramps collapsed in the street just before Christmas and probably isn't going to get of hospital. He used to like traveling, he'd take long walks all over the country and near by countries. I'm going to make sure Ku and I get to travel. We need to try England, Scotland, Wales, Turkey, Italy, France, Belgium, Germany, India, Venezuela if it's ever safe enough again, Vietnam again, and a bunch of places in the US. That's my list so far.
I think my car is haunted... odd story behind that but the main thing is I was looking around to see if I could find anyone to take a look and see if they can tell me anything, even if it is just that I'm stupid and there is no man in my car. So anyway, I was looking, got side tracked, read something about a German U-Boat called UB65. FUCKED UP SHIT! Not so much what they saw, even so much as the physical events that were linked to the ghost stories and the way the people dealt with the whole thing. So... I'm going to see if I can do some more research, like, a shit load probably because I am now just super curious, and I'm going to try to put it into story form. But rather than just all the inconsistent randoms clippets of info I want to see if I can get accurate, real life details, and put it in story form. I want to know the names of those men,what they looked like, what they ate, what exactly was really scaring them. I mean, was it just their sailor's superstition or was what they saw really that fucked up? There's only been one description I've found so far as to what one of the entities looked like, rather than just the actions (some of which have also been slightly inconsistent looked at person and disappeared vs looked out to sea and disappeared) where the man who died in a horrible explosion had a disfigured face. Now if every time they saw him and his face was burned off that would certainly account for their reactions, but that was only mentioned once in one of the many similar accounts, and right after a bunch of other events with that same ghost was mentioned. Then again it's hard to tell what happened when to who because things get mixed around, and only one account had names, which actually looked like the least credible. If anything the difficulty will at least add a little something to this project for me.
If it ever does get finished... is anyone going to read it? I'm going to try very hard to keep it historically accurate while also keeping it in story for. If I do finish it I think my Grandpa will want to read it at least. He's into historical things at least. |
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| I'm feeling better now. |
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| 02:37pm 19/12/2007 |
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I got things done today. A few things were pretty overdue, putting prices up for the yarns officialy. I had to correct them too since apparently I severly overcharged for one and undercharged for all the others. I ordered new business cards and a few other things the business really needs. I need to find the adresses of a bunch of customers we've already had in. This is going to take a bit of research. Maybe I can spend my evenings doing that for a few days. God knows I wont be able to get it done if I have Elly and Peter around. I sorted Jillian's present out, and even wrote down the instructions... vauge and kinda... unorganised though they might be. I need a bit of practice doing things like that, but I'm hoping she'll get the gist. If not I can show her, or explain. Elly got something for Todd too though I dunno how much he'll like it. I just kinda thought maybe it'd be handy for when he has to travel. Actualy I need to get one for Ku too. I actualy meant to but I forgot at the time. He might have to wait till after Christmas though. Mrs Dennis is getting something English. I really don't know what kinda stuff she likes, I thought maybe something foreign might be interesting at least.
Elly's throwing a tantrum right now. It's ok though. It's slowly turned from me not having a good day or two to her having a shitty day. So I know how she feals and when we get home in a few minutes she can have a nap and get a fresh start for this evening.
I know a lot of problems are just a point of view, perception, etc. I can change how things are just by not letting shit bother me. I know I have some very good friends still. People who may not always be there because lets face it; shit happens. But who will be there for quite a while to come.
I am grateful... when I remember to be.
Thank you. |
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| I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. |
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| 09:18am 19/12/2007 |
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This week hasn't gone very well. I first I got knocked out by tripping and falling against a piece of furniature. I was in the living room and most of the family was in the kitchen, within view but no one noticed except Elly who started crying when I didn't respond to her. Evenutualy I got up and then mum made sure I didn't have a concusion when she finaly had time. I'm not going to tell Ku, he doesn't need to worry. Then yesterday mornign I was fixing a small cabinet at work, it fell on me and my fingers got slammed in the door, the bruises aren't too bad but I lost some skin. Elly kissed it better for me and gave me a hug. Last night Saffy saw a cat as I took the trash down with her, she hauled me over and dragged me about three feat, a little while later she pulled me over again but didn't drag me anywhere.
I phoned Jillians boyfriend last night but he didn't respond. I'd phone her but she doesn't seam to want anything to do with me any more. I get fed up with her telling me there's nothing wrong with our friendship but forgetting to hang out with mre, changing plans at the last moment or just not picking up or replying to messages I send. Cameron doesn't reply either. Last time I just left him a message asking for his mum's phone number. I just wanted to talk to her, maybe see if she wanted to see Elly since she's grown quite a lot since last time she saw her. I don't know what I'd done wrong. That's the worst part I think. I mean, I know I've obviously done something for two very close friends to not even give me the benefit of just saying "Look, this isn't going to work, it's over stop making a fool of yourself." I know both of them don't like the idea of hurting someone's fealings but to be honest it hurts more knoing I've fucked up and not knowing how, knowing I'm not wanted but not knowing why. Was it the drugs that made them hate me? Was it when I got depressed and couldn't talk to anyone for months then felt wierd trying to restart relationships with people? Did that hurt their fealings? Make me look like a selfish bitch? Or maybe it isn't my fault, maybe they just made new better friends when they went to college and now they can't see why they ever bothered with a loser like me? Am I too pushy? Too honest/opinionated?
The thing about loosing friends, is it's the same as if they died. You kinda mourn, it's a sad event. But if you don't even know if you've lost them or not, you can't do it properly. It's not final, it's not conclusive. At least if they had the decency to call back and tell me how they really felt I'd be able to let go. Or if they phoned back and said, "Hey, I just wanted to talk, we haven't talked in ages."
A few years ago I sent letters to my friends in Scotland. They had promised that we'd write to each other, that's we would keep the friendships going. I think I wrote about twice to each of those friends. People Icared for and trusted, told secrets to. Not one ever replied. But the sad pathetic thing about me, the most depressing degrading thing I know about myself, is that even though they obviously don't care after all, if any one of them ever got in a tigh spot I'd find a way to go all the way back over there and help them out if they needed it. If Jillian ever needs a shoulder of if Cameron even neads a helping hand, I will be there for them I'll go outof my way for them. If I think I can get to them in time to be of any assistance. That's how fucking pathetic I am. Even if I know they wouldn't do it for me. I know I'm a fuck up, I'm a terrible friend. I don't call, I forget dates, I couldn't remember a birthday if my life depended on it. At least I'm loyal though, that's the one thing I can manage. Though maybe it's not loyalty as much as sharing some of the same DNA as a door mat.
Jillian and Cameron's mum will get visits this weekend. I feal like an idiot, doing it when I know I'm not welcome, but Elly's got presents for them this year. It's ok though. I wont stay long, just long enough to explain what to do with them. There's no point in trying to drag out the humiliation. |
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| Left Out |
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| 11:52am 16/12/2007 |
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Every have just a huge, overwhelming fealing of being completely left out? I didn't mind for a while but now everyone is together having tones of fun and I made the descision to stay behind and work. I have got quite a bit done, and will continue to get quite a bit done. The more I hear or read though the more I wish I had someone to spend time with. Even if it was just sitting on our asses not doing anything. At least I wouldn't have to wait till people have time to talk to me or finaly remember that I do still exist. |
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| Our First Shipment of Yarn |
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| 01:49pm 14/12/2007 |
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We just got our first shipment of yarn. This is part of our attempt to diversify a bit. We're going to get a bunch of yarns in, then knitting neadles and patterns, then we'll work on other things. In the new year we're going to work on making both the office and shop look better and more proffessional. I'm working on a new meathods of advertising. We're going to see if we can get adds in at the surrounding schools; they give out packets at student events that have a few adverts and coupons in. And with the company that gets us the most customers we;re going to have monthly promotional sales on select groups of things, showing a nice big picture of whatever it is we particularly want to sell. So this January it'll probably be those yarns. Especialy as that's what people kept asking us about and we kept having to say, sorry, we don't have that stuff yet.
It's harder to run a business that people think. Most people have visions of having their own small company with lots of happy regular customers. Being able to take off any time they want with on boss to answer to. Making tones of money while abiding no stupid company rules. But I know enough bussiness owners of small companies personaly to be able to say that it never works out as great as peole hope. There's always dissapointment in some area or another. You don't get to spend more time with your family, you don't immediatly start getting tones of money and very often you don't even survive the first year without having to just go ahead and shut down with tones of brand new debt sitting on your shoulders. We've managed to stay open, we've aquired new customers, but the problem is keeping the customers, getting more, selling durring bad economical times. I'm hoping that by carefully balancing out money to add different inventory and improving appearances will help to improve our flow of customers. Fingers crossed. |
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| Please, thank you, bricks, and clothes. |
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| 09:11am 13/12/2007 |
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I took a pencil off Elly this morning and instead of crying or anything she said her word for thank you. She says please and thank you pretty well now, a recent development. Pronounced a little more like tea sometimes tease, and thang sometimes thang ne. It's pretty cute.
Elly is currently learning about bricks. We have some bricks we brought with us from england, so I don't know if americans have them. They look a lot like lego bricks but are a few times bigger. Elly can put a small square one in her mouth but there's no what she could try to swallow it, it's a little too big for that, so it's much safer than lego. The thing is though that no matter how many times I try to show ber that the lumpy top of one must go into the open bottom of another she still takes them back from me and puts them bottom to bottom then gets really angry that they wont stick like when I do it.
She's just given up on the bricks and started on trying to put a zip up hoody on. The problem is that it's a lot harder when you don't realize that there are right and wrong ways of doing it. Currently she has an arm in a sleave but her armpit is where her wrist should be and her fingers are where her body should be plus it's upside down. XD
I offer her help by saying things like "Do you need help? Mummy help?" and sometimes she brings to me whatever she is having trouble with. But if she doesn't want my help I generaly leave her alone. I'd rather her just be fustrated with whatever the problem is than to get angry with me too and still not have worked it out. I kinda want her to learn that if she ever does wnat my help she can always ask and I'll be there for her but if she want's to slug it out alone I can respect her wishes. I believe it's going to be good for her self confidence. Especialy if occasinaly when I don't help she does manage to work things out herself. I do however offer multiple time if she refuses me, since sometimes she does change her mind.
Elly had an accident yesterday and ended up splitting her lip open a bit. She can climb in and out of her booster seat at the table on her own. But for some reason , Charly descided to help Elly in yesterday, but Charly isn't really strong enough for the meathod she was using, so Elly got hurt. It's not the last time Elly's going to get hurt though, and even though it bled quite a bit her teeth are fine and all you can see of it not is a cherry red lump on her lip.
I finaly finished my first scarf. It took about... two and a half weaks maybe? Maybe only two. I dunno. I screwed up a lot at the begining and I found the actualy instrustions when I was about thee inches away from the end and it turned out I was supposed to do it a little differently asides from the fact that it's not as wide as it should be which I knew anyway and kinda did on purpouse. But I like it as it is anyway so I'm not going to redo it, I'll just try it properly some other time with a different project.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v160/bladeville/clothes/scarfa1.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v160/bladeville/clothes/scarfa2.jpg
I'm already onto my next project. Another scarf but this one Ive had to put beads on and am having to learn to lace a pattern together with. It's kinda complicated and somethign I definatly can't do with Elly around. Damn >> |
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| Fucking Bitch! I need my fucking GPA! |
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| 08:03am 04/12/2007 |
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My high school counsilor is a fucking #%#$!^%@#$^%@#!$ I can't even think of a good enough word for that cow. I asked her if she could send me my GPA or tell me how to get it and she sent me an e-mail back to tell me that I couldn't have anything because I didn't finish my Junior year. In what way did I not finish my Junior year? Did I not come to some secret classes they had five weeks after school ended or something? Was there some big conspracy to have an extra semester of school and not tell me because secretly the whole student body knew who I was and hated me? I know I find the naming of grades pretty confusing but I know for a fact that the last grade was the Senior year, not the junior year. I know for a fact I had good attendace in all three years of high school and that I took all my exams except maybe any I was actualy exempt from. I didn't go to prom but I went to the party they had afretwards and I didn't get a year book. Are they going to penalize me for not getting a year book in the three years I attended? Is that my punishment? "Yeah you didn't spend a shit load of money on a book full of photo's of things you didn't do and people you either never met, never liked or at least wont remember in four more years anyway, so yeah, sorry but we're just going to tell any colelges you want to go to that you only did two and a fraction years here. Woooops! What a shame!." |
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bladeville's journal
