Holly Black, No Longer Dry Like a Martini

Because two of my dearest friends are gearing up to have their first novels released and because I am not a nice person, I decided to make a list of all the things writers worry about. Not that my friends should worry, of course. Everything will go fine for them.


Contract sent to wrong address.
Contract stolen by gypsies who finish book and turn it in.
Roommate thinks contract is junk mail and throws it away.
Contract actually from Satan. You sign anyway.
Book not completed by contract date.
Book completed by contract date, but terrible.
Only copy of book blows out of car in friend's hilarious re-enactment of Wonder Boys.
Editor hates completed book.
Editor loves completed book, except for main character.
Editor loves completed book, except for plot.
Editor takes one look at book and leaves publishing.
Editor moves houses. You are assigned new editor that hangs up on you.
Book too good. Secret publishing cabal plots your demise.
Freelance copyeditor leaves tin-foil covered apartment. Voices tell her to replace the word "the" with the word "lambchop."
Cover terrible.
Cover great, but for a genre you hate.
Cover great, but with new title and your name misspelled.
While revising, call lover by name of character in book during intimate moment.
While revising, call lover by name of villain in book during intimate moment.
While revising, call lover by name of minor character that dies in the first chapter.
Bookworms infest printers!
Printers print book with invisible ink
Next Harry Potter book sucking up all available paper. Your book printed on paper towels.
Bad Reviews.
No Reviews.
Aliens destroy earth because they hated your book so much.
Stellar reviews of book that sounds nothing like your book of the same title. Possibly the one written by gypsies?
Your book very popular. It is being read aloud instead of The Eye of Argon at conventions nationally.
Book accidentally shelved with dictionaries.
Book accidentally shelved with porn.
Book accidentally shelved with porn, but sells like hotcakes.
Book shelved in humor. Editor tells you this is no accident.
Publisher does not send you on tour.
Publisher sends you on tour to Bermuda Triangle.
No one comes to booksigning.
Many people have come to booksigning, including your mom, but at podium you realize you are naked.
Many people come to signing because they mistake you for another author.
Two people come to signing. One dozes off. The other interrupts your reading to ask for your editor's cell phone number.
You misspell names of small children at signing. They cry.
Death occurs before sequel. (Good for sales of first book.)
Book does not earn out advance.
Book earns out advance, but agent uses the money to buy one-way ticket to Disneyland and suitcase full of silly string.
Book is banned.
Book is controversial, but no one bans it. Suspect it is because no one read it.
Book sells bazillions of copies. Fans break into house and steal your cat.
Book sells fine, but you are only remembered for a humorous list.

Obviously, the list is incomplete. I'm sure you guys can come up with more.