hey i don't have internet for another week or so, xoxo, i love everybody!

I picked Leroy up from school and we went to the beach. It was lovely, we walked down the beach a while and then I watched him boogie board for an hour. He came and played on the beach for a while, there were some people but not many, just loving it, soaking up the California lifestyle that allows a visit to the beach before dinner. We came home and showered and I made us each a baked potato with soup. Then we watched some stuff on YouTube and I read to him, he went to sleep. There was an overwhelming feeling of goodness while we were outside. I'm still pmsing, tense, we have houseguests for a few more days, luggage and boxes, it is fine, I'm just not mellow Angie.

Yesterday was good though, I used my Twilight Alchemy Lab ritual oil, Concentration and sat down and finished a book and wrote a two page response. I meet with Ross next week to talk about my summer reading so I am trying to accomplish some. I am also supposed to be putting together a syllabus for my directed reading this fall. I didn't do much today, yesterday I kicked ass, today I did food shopping, tomorrow I will do laundry. I seem to be able to only accomplish two things a day. And one is bringing Leroy to school and then home.

Everyone said Mike would win and I shouldn't care but the misogyny did get to me. It makes me sad that Janelle hates women. Yes, I just really said that. And you are thinking, shouldn't you be watching Rockstar Supernova right about now? Yes, I guess so.

dude! fourfour 's recap of project runway is up! happy monday!

i dreamed last night that i was at a native american student union office at school. it would have to be in my dreams because they don't have enough students to form one at ucsd. i was talking to some of the women there about october first being an important day and they were like, yeah, that is very famous but now i can't remember for what. i was new and they were kindly tolerating me. i was looking at some leaflets that had come in and this woman was asking me for the information on one, it was about a food basket giveaway for needy students. she had blond hair and light green eyes and i looked at her closely for a second and then remembered that you can't tell who is indian by looking and i was glad to be reminded of that when i am around indian people. because we do it all the time.

i had a conversation with one of the women in the office about my master's thesis and she said "what do you really want to write about? that is what you should be writing." i was eating breakfast this morning, early because i had to drive downtown to drop ma off at jury duty before taking leroy to school and i was thinking about possibilities and the twilight alchemy oils i have coming in the mail and i picked up from my bookshelf jambalaya by luisah teish and opened it to the part where she is called to write her book and she hears the voice in her head telling her that she can't, she isn't smart enough, doesn't know enough. then i remembered my dream. i can't give up before i start. i could, maybe that is what this summer was about, i got some rest but it was heavy and sad, i'm not going to carry that anymore.

so what do i really want to write about? i do want to write about the possibilities of indigeneity as a tool for change within ethnic studies, i think i may need to research and write that before i can write my master's thesis. and i want to write about my family. about my grandmothers and aunts, my mother and sisters and survival and sharing what we know. i am going to do some reading today, before i go to pick up ma and leroy. it was good to see ma but i was stressed out yesterday, cleaning and still pmsing, tense about sharing my space this week. ma's boyfriend called yesterday and asked if he could stay also, i was hoping that she would be staying with him when he got here but no, his apartment is not ready yet. the downstairs neighbors will be gone by thursday so ma will be able to move down there, but until then she is in my bed, i am with leroy and displaced, my computers and desk are in here. so this last week before school is busy with guests and coming and going. ma's jury duty, her luggage didn't get on her flight so there is that. also my downstairs neighbors are leaving, and i am going to miss them very much. i love temoc and alison especially, and they have all been kind and good neighbors.

six random things.

1. adoption makes me very uncomfortable. i have had adopted friends, best friends for life, but like, if someone on my friends list was adopting and writing about it all the time, i probably couldn't read about it. i know!

2. sometimes i read the friends list of my friends but i think it would be impolite to comment, even though the post is public. especially if they share a lot of my friends. we could be on one anothers friends list yet we are not and so i read and respect that distance. i would feel like an univited guest that others have to have good behavior to hide the rudeness of my being there. sometimes i would really like to jump in!

3. i think this life is going by way too fast. nearly every day i am struck by how little i comprehend about things, and how smart i have always thought i was. i cringe a lot.

4. leroy's childhood especially is zooming by. the last ten years have been a blur. the past five i have been in school full-time. it has been a productive ten years, from tai chi to falling in love to leroy to academia. it is a cliche that children grow up quickly, i just think about how often i check out on the internet or with a reality tv show, i have trouble remembering what happened last year. maybe if i didn't check out it would be less of a blur. at least i have this journal. i need to buy a camera too.

5. i have some regrets. i wish i had been somewhat ambitious so that so much of my time and energy wouldn't have been taken up with financial struggles. barely running cars. counting out pennies for groceries and sitting in food stamp offices.

6. i know i am being sort of end of all things, i imagined my death a few times this week, my birthday is coming right up in a few weeks, i feel it coming long before the day. also with the food and exercise and school beginning and anxiety i just need to have it all in hand, and instead it has been out of hand. today i ate according to plan and walked. so it was a good day. anyway, i have birthday issues. i liked being young and besides the laziness and stupidity and also the belief that i was so much better and smarter and cooler than i was, it was great.

school is starting, i'm cutting my friends list, if you are like me you really don't think about it, i don't check to see if folks have added me, i just go along but sometimes it seems like there needs to be some change ups and with school starting it feels good to get smaller. i wish you all well, i don't have any heavy drama, just seems like a good idea right now. xoxo! i love everybody! even you! you too!

Miss Alli at Television Without Pity, in the Big Brother 7 recaplet writes these words of wisdom about the shit stain that is Mike "Boogie":

It's tempting to look at this final two in terms of who deserves more emphatically to be cursed with the loss, especially because it's hard to accept the idea that Mike will do this and there will be no punishment. But of course, the fact of the matter is that whether he does or doesn't win half a million dollars -- he probably will -- being himself is his punishment. The punishment for being empty is emptiness, not poverty. The punishment for inability to feel the things that normal people feel is numbness, not losing at this or any other game. The punishment for antisocial behavior is your alienation from all social structure, not the experience of shame. Enjoy that convertible, though. I'm sure it will make the harm you've knowingly done a lot easier for your mother to stomach.

I like this, the punishment for being empty is emptiness. Yeah. You know, you are reading a reality television recap and at best you hope that the writer will make you laugh out loud or be so mean you feel a little dirty but this really sums it up. After seven seasons of Big Brother, and I have only watched a few seasons, four and five I think were very important in my life, what have we learned? Something important I think.

Miss Alli thinks Mike will win. I would have liked to see Erika make the gesture of asking Mike not to bring her but to bring Janelle, it would not have changed his mind and it would have brought good will to her. Maybe though, it would have looked as though she didn't want it. Or didn't think she deserved it. Does she? That is one for the philosophers.

Miss Beth sent me an interesting email the other day, a newsletter with astrological stuff in it, and some advice that struck home:
9/6: Prep for lunar eclipse on 9/7. Write down everything you're willing to let go of especially things that are heavy for you. Imagine going through the eye of the needle. No room for excess baggage.

9/7-21: The gateway opens to a sunlit meadow and our hearts open. Who have you been wanting to connect with? Tell those you love how you feel about them.

I have been feeling shitty lately, I have talked about pms and anxiety but it is food, not walking enough, swelling in my feet and ankles. So I decided to write down what I am willing to let go of and one of the things was feeling like I am not good enough, will never be good enough and don't deserve good things. Today I went food shopping at Trader Joes and was in the check out next to the flowers. I saw some pink gerbera daisies, ten stems for four bucks and I wanted them. Beth gave me a lovely small vase with a face on it that they would look perfect in, and I did buy them. But then I thought I was going to give them to my neighbor, I had to remind myself that I bought them for me and I deserve to have them! Jesus! They are in the vase and looking very fine on the table. I also walked this morning in Balboa Park after dropping Leroy off, I had a good breakfast of oatmeal, delicious smoothie. I want that clarity again I had in July when I was walking and eating well. The past few weeks I have been home I feel like I keep getting knocked down and I am always surprised, I don't think I should be, but I am.

Beth's son spent the night last night and I think it went fine, he was an easy guest and Leroy likes him, I think I will ask him, if it is cool with his mom, to watch Leroy on Thursday evenings during my class, they seemed to get along well last night.

has anyone else registered with www.lala.com? you list the cds you have and want to trade and then you list the cds you want and they send you mailers, it costs $1.75 for each cd you get i think, they say one dollar but then they say and seventy-five cents for the postage, you get mailers for sending. i am digging it. i haven't received any yet but i should be getting five in the next few days. i am sending some right now and on the back of the envelope there's space to right your favorite song and what it reminds you of, whatever. i think this is going to be cool! when you activate the envelope you see a first name and last initial and then the address, leroy is getting the soundtrack to school of rock and a jesse mccartney cd and i think three fifty for that is pretty damn good! on the first day nine of my cds were selected for trading and five of the ones i listed that i wanted were being sent. oh, and you have to send to get them, you can't just say you want some without trading, you can only get as many as you trade away. i'm psyched about it.

i don't want to bitch

BUT

i am so premenstrual. and i dread my period now, so it isn't even a relief when the pms stops. for about the last six months, as i am sure i have explained for your reading delight again and again i have had these monster periods. nothing and nowhere is safe. a person on my friends list has been less explicit but i guess has been having similar issues and she is the same age as i am, her dr told her she has fibroids and she should have a hysterectomy. she didn't like his manner or solution but as for me, given a similar diagnosis i think i could say goodbye and thank you to my uterus. i'll keep my ovaries around of course but i have always been one to pull a tooth, throw out a dying plant or take out a uterus for inconveniencing me. we had a good run, some close calls and one pretty pretty baby.

i was telling beth this and she was all, well, what about balancing hormones and i explained to her that between teenage years and the years since my pregnancy and that hormonal ride, what with nursing for three years, i had what? ten good years? my life has been awash with hormones, misty hormone colored memories are what fill the corners of my mind. i have been mourning my youth, restlessly settling into middle age for years now, let's just get this woman of certain years party started. well, maybe i should go get a pap smear first and and see what the diagnosis is. also maybe i am so casual because i have never had surgery, never, knock wood, had a stay in the hospital. what a lightweight, at the first sign of trouble, heavy bleeding anyway, i'm all, get this womb out of me.

i'm hanging around waiting for the latest project runway to be available on itunes. i know who won and who lost, i thought tim gunn's podcast was especially hilarious this week, he sounded like he had been having a champagne cocktail or two. tonight is big brother, i'm hoping that erika plays for second and takes janelle like she swore on her mother's life - gasp! beth's teenage son is spending the night here, she warned me to make a big dinner and not to count on leftovers, i am making a ton of spaghetti & veggies. leroy's first week of school is continuing to go well, it seems like a great fit, he is working well with others, using his manners, his friends are happy to see him, it is all right. i'm breathing deeper. it is good. tomorrow i have to go to the library to try and copy this dissertation i requested, it came and it is from canada and it is on microfilm. so i just called the library to ask if i could make a copy of it from the microfilm. yes they said. and then i asked, saying i know this is stupid but the copies will be full size and not tiny? the nice man said yes. phi beta kappa baby! that is what i say to myself when i need to know these things.

overall i am feeling better. i ran down my check that wasn't deposited and it was in my box at school. i am reading a book, here, i'll do this thing!

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and it is interesting, challenging assumptions that i have had and been taught regarding the legal relationship of indigenous peoples in the united states to the nation through the constitution, acts of congress and how up for interpretation the relationship is. interesting enough to inspire my thinking about my master's thesis so that is good!

social_deixis tagged me to do six random facts about myself, i will think about that and instead post this picture of leroy with two of her three beautiful children. i love everybody!

( cute kids! )

four four's project runway recap is up and i just laughed my ass off so now you go.

http://fourfour.typepad.com/fourfour/2006/09/angie_in_the_sk.html#more


i love rich. i love him, his cat, the things he loves, what he says and does and believes in. first day of school. beth called this morning and was so brave while i was melting down trying to answer her simple question about whether or not i wanted to go get my hair cut today. she's a keeper. and a good'un. all those things. so i brought her with me to drop off leroy, which was painless and short and we took a walk in balboa park. it was so good to walk again. the haircutting was not today so we went back to the ranch after dropping off my rent check and had breakfast and she did some lights on me. the day went by fast. my mom called and we had a good talk, i have been avoiding talking to her because i have been so tense and anxiety ridden but after my time with beth i was pretty chilled out and we laughed and had a good talk. leroy called her after school.

oh i picked him up and he said, i loved it! several times. so good. he said his friend ariel kept hugging him for no reason. i said she was probably glad to see him. first day done. thunderbirds go. mission successful.