| Life Update... |
[25 Jun 2007|02:49am] |
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So obviously from my lack of livejournaling it can be deduced that i've been quite a busy little bee for the past... oh I don't know... almost 3 months? :)
Yes things have been relatively quiet and happy on the homefront. John and I are fairing very well, the relationship has been insanely awesome, healthy and fun thus far. We'll be officially at 3 months on Thursday, although he considers it longer since he spent practically a month talking on the phone with me everyday while he was away before coming home and asking me out. Although probably not the healthiest relationship choice out there, we really do spend pretty much every waking (and sleeping) second together... and strangely enough I am not at all bored with or sick of him at all!! It's not all play... we get work done, it's just usually side by side. He's in the process of writing a 3rd and 4th book, so he works on that during the day... sometimes i help him edit, or i'm off doing my own thing. We stay at eachothers places every night (usually mine, as its just easier to be in manhattan than queens. I hate going out to queens.) It's kind of nice really. There is absolutely no drama in this relaitonship which is a refreshing breather...
As far as all other aspects of life, im in the usual "what the hell am i doing with my life" phase that artists in NYC go through (most, constantly.). Tryin to figure out what I want to do with myself... which angle I want to take with my singing, etc.
In the process of putting a website together, www.ericasings.com.
We'll see how long that takes.
Haven't been goin on as many auditions as I SHOULD be... we'll see when I get out of that funk. it IS a slow season... summer sucks for auditions.
Gay Pride Parade was today, that was super fun. Not lookin forward to the sickeningly hot weather coming up, but i am happy for summertime and hopefully fun adventures ahead.
Hope everyone else is well!!! I haven't been reading journals the way I should, so I apologize for a lack in commentary, especially if ive missed anything huge in your lives...
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| The Mommy Diaries: A mothers Day Gift. |
[01 May 2007|07:25pm] |
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Working on something i'm writing for my mum, gonna write it here since it's fast and easy.
When I was a little girl with a freckled face, long brown hair and bright blue eyes, she used to come in to the bathroom to sweep me out of the tub, wrap me up in a towel and carry me to my room, calling me her little bundle of joy. And I was. Because she made me feel so warm and happy, so safe there in her arms, wrapped up snugly in my towel. And this ritual continued for years, I wouldn't leave the bathroom after a bath until she came in to get me, I wanted my mommy and I wanted to hear those words, "you're my little bundle of joy." I don't know where or when she came up with it, but I have to imagine it was somewhere around the first time she saw me, when they placed me in her arms and I was finally home... when I first got to meet her and look up and see what I'm sure was her own sheer joy at finally having me. You see I was a gift, not of the "oh I brought you into the world" sort, but of the "I've been waiting for you, you are coming as a complete mystery and surprise to us, and we have wanted you for a very long time" sort. Being this gift placed into her arms, it was impossible for me to realize as a newborn infant that I too was in that moment receiving MY most precious gift- my mother. Not one who bore me, but one who was yearning to raise and care for me like no other mother could.
As I grew from that tiny child in the bathtub, I clung to the need for my mother and her infinate love. I'll never forget leaving for my first summer at sleepaway camp, and how only a couple of days into it, I was dying to be home again. I had thought it would be easy to be away from them for a few weeks, but once I got there, no words could describe the ache I felt, and how much I yearned to go back. I thought I'd never make it, that I'd never survive being away so long (four weeks is decades to an 11 year old...) My brother, he was fine... having a place where he didn't need to shower or worry about wearing clean clothes, where he could goof off and get into all sorts of trouble. But me, I sat looking at the stars every night, tears streaming down my face, trying so hard to contact my mother with my mind... to tell her I loved her, and missed her, and wanted to be back home. When they finally let me call, words can't describe the relief that flooded through me, and for the two minutes I had on the phone i'm certain I cried and didn't know what to say. But I thought to myself, "Once this is over, I'll never leave my mommy again."
It was back then that I used to say to her, "when I grow up, there's no way I'm going to college far away. And when i'm married, I want you to live next door to me..." And i'm sure that in those moments, I truly meant it.
But time stops for no one and growth is inevitable, the years fly by and outlooks change. You wake up one day and you're a teenager. Nothing that your mom does or says makes sense, and what's worse, you feel the need to constantly tell her that everything she stands for is wrong. You scream and you fight and you refuse to see eye to eye... and suddenly it's not "mommy" anymore. You think "God I can't wait to get out of here, I can't wait to get away from them." Everything's a mess of confusion and yelling, and you no longer want to open up and share. It appears suddenly, you are all complete strangers to eachother. And for a few years, mommy disappears.
I'm not long out of my teenage years. They came and went in an angry blur, and harbored with them much resentment and harsh words. Somewhere along the line the "mommy ache" disappears from inside of you and you feel you are quickly turning grown up and ready to face the world. I became eager to get out there, to go away for college. Be on my own. All the while knowing that I was not truly on my own, I had the safety net of my parents to comfortably drop onto... and I could spend every winter, spring, and summer break with the family. It was just like sleepaway camp, only the sessions were longer and I could be even more of an "adult" while I was away, what could be better?
The speed dial on the time lever kicks itself up a notch and all of the sudden the 4 years of college fly by like summers of childhood used to. Freshman turns to sophomore turns to junior and on, and before I know it, I'm ready to graduate from college. The excitement of "real life" takes over, distracts you from realizations to come, you're met with a sense of pride, fullfillment, and a readiness to take over your own life.
And this is all thrilling at the beginning. But shortly into it, a tiny ache awakens inside of me. It's that ache you get when you are sick and alone, you want nothing more than for someone to be there to take care of you... and it's not just any someone. It's mommy. You want your mommy, because no matter how bitter and difficult your teenage years were, nothing can extinguish the tiny flame put inside us from the moment we meet her, that reminds us that no one can make it better like mommy can. And as I face the world alone (though never really alone), I realize on the more gloomy days, I just wish mommy were here. I wish she could make it all better. I wish she could wrap me in her warmest towel, sweep me up into her arms and tell me I'm her little bundle of joy. To feel that security, that only a mother can supply.
You remember that this isn't summer camp. The session isn't rapidly coming to an end, and I won't be able to run through the airport terminal to jump into mommy's arms. In reality, I'll never go "home" again... not in the way that I used to. There are visits, yes... but home... to my mommy, to my comfort... to a place where there can be no danger or harm... that home is long gone. It retired itself the day I left for college. And moreso, when I left for life. I can always go back and spend time, but there will never again be the bathtub, the towel, the bundle. In it's place, will always be the ache for my mommy... who I never say "I love you" too, because somewhere along the way, those words became too difficult for me to say to her. All I can do, is look up at the stars every now and then, from far away... and hope that she can hear me telling her.
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| Its Magic. |
[05 Apr 2007|11:51am] |
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DAMNIT I just wrote a long entry and that shit got erased before I could hit post. Screw you LJ.
I'll try and get to the gist of it. So anyone whos been in multiple relationships knows, youre always impressed with the new creative ways guys (or girls) display their affections for you. Well THIS was one I never got before!
So my boyfriends a magician, yes? And i make him do atleast one trick a day for me, so he tries to come prepared. Few nights ago he busted out a deck and told me he had a trick just for me. He had me pick a card out of the deck, it was the ace of hearts. Nothing fishy, just your typical ace of hearts. Then he handed me a sharpie and told me to sign my name on the back. I did, and then he added "+ John Born" so the back said "Erica + John". From here he placed it face down in my hand, covered it with my other hand, and put his hands over mine. He leaned over, kissed me, and then told me to look at the card.
And wouldn't ya know:
awwwwwwwwww. :-) Seriously! Who does that?? Not your boyfriends! hehehehe.
Along with his insane magic skills, he is also a CRAZY amazing pool player. Like, if he werent a magician he could definitely make his money doing that. He's been teaching me and ive been picking it up quite well, we've been hittin some local bars and hustlin the neighborhood kids, I look forward to getting more serious with it.
On the down side I managed to wake up with severe tonsillitis yesterday. John came with me to the doctor, entertained me in the waiting room and spent the whole day taking care of me. I've got this HORRIBLE abscess on my tonsil and it KILLS me to swallow, seriously the most pain ive ever been in when it comes to throat. I hope I dont give it to him... he's been so great keeping me company.
Aside from the sickness things are good. Did I tell u i got a job at a piano bar? So far im only subbing, but they seem to like me so hopefully itll become more permanant. I'm working April 22 so if anyones in NYC, u should come out and let me serve you/sing for you.
Had another audition and callback for beehive the 60s musical, it went fine. Just gotta get myself out there more. I keep getting callbacks when i actually drag myself to auditions so that should tell me something, like get my ass up!
OH and my best friend Carisa has made it alllll the way to the FINAL episode of Top Design on bravo! Yayyy!!! Watch what happens, next weds at 10pm!
Thats all the excitement for my life...
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| Ok Ok Ok Ok Ok... |
[31 Mar 2007|03:50am] |
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Pictures were requested of the new man. Lets see if I can't figure out how the hell to post them on LJ, i cant' understand all this crap now that theyve changed it.
Firstly, did I mention he's a magician? Yup. And not just like "oh hey wanna see some tricks..." No like, a touring, award-winning, EXTREMELY WELL KNOWN magician. With 2 published books. Never met anyone so accomplished and TALENTED before... he's rreeeeaaallllyyy amazing at what he does and it's super hot. I call him my Monkey cause i make him do tricks for everyone. Been callin him Monkey before we ever started to talk about bein romantically involved. Its weird for me to have a relationship developed out of an established friendship, never done that before. its strange but exciting and I feel like i've never ever done this before, its weird. It's like starting at the very beginning again, like I've never had a boyfriend.
Most importantly, he's crazy about me. And Im crazy bout him too, we've had so much fun together so far. I'm just takin it reaaaalllyyy slow so I can actually maybe for once in my life have a healthy relationship. lol.
K on to the pics.
Mmmmm. Mine mine mine!
And this picture is HILARIOUSLY ironic because my douchbag retard ex-boyfriend used to call himself Merlin... always told me it was his college nickname but really i think he just WANTED people to call him that and no one did. It was even his liscense plate. SO GAY.
And then my babay just happens to have this shirt on yesterday, i about died laughing.
GAH its awesome being so happy. hope this lasts a lil while... In the meantime I am learning magic, and we are combining our awesome talents to become one of the hottest power-couples ever. :)
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| News. |
[30 Mar 2007|03:36am] |
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I have a boyfriend.
SOOO weird to type that, it's been so long I was actually getting used to it and just never expecting it to happen.
He's so damn awesome it's ridiculous.
And I am so happy. :)
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| holy good lord. |
[28 Mar 2007|02:36am] |
Ummmmmmmmmm....
i just experienced what might just be the best first kiss of my entire life.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
dying over here.
I could write it all out, but honestly, theres NO way to tell that story and make you feel what I felt and am feeling... I don't think theres words for it.
But holy shit. Still have chills and shakin' and...... yea. SO. FUCKING. GOOD.
Looks like i'm bout to get myself into something...
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| Dilemma thats not a dilemma. |
[25 Mar 2007|01:27am] |
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So as I've mentioned in the recent past, theres this boy.
Lets back track to how this happened.
I met this boy through ANOTHER boy who I had brief interest in, but made it very clear he wanted nothing more than 1 night fun. The night I met this new boy, I was also meeting up with boy that I had interest in... and so didn't take new boy as anything more than a new acquaintance. True I noticed there was something about the way he looked at me... looked right into my eyes the way most people don't and for once I wasn't the one WINNING the stare downs, I found myself looking away a lot more than usual merely because the power of his eyes seemed so intense (in a good way. Just one of those ways that makes you shy.)
Came to find through myspace that new boy had a girlfriend, so all was fine, we could be friends. This excited me because our conversations were fun and we started to make plans. We ended up spending an entire week hanging out, during which time he broke up with said girlfriend (I don't take the credit for this, supposedly they'd been having issues before he met me.)
After breaking up with his girlfriend, it became more and more evidential that he was developing something for me. I was just enjoying his company immensely, we had sooo much fun together. After that week he left to tour, would be gone about 20 days.
As of tomorrow, it is one day left until his return. Now, I am churning... absolutely. We've talked EVERY day since he left, several times a day in some cases... and have really just developed such admiration for eachother, and admittedly, a crush developed in me as well.
I have been wondering and wondering how Monday will be. I think about it so much... I haven't seen him in so long and have spent more time apart from him than with him, but I must say i'm pretty enamored. He's all I can seem to talk about and my friends are annoyed already, lol.
I know that some of you who read the previous entry about "The Rules" were appalled by them, and I reiterate that I feel so many of them seem absurd and old fashion as well. But the UNDERLYING theme and idea of this book... is the "don't be easy to get to, make him want you... NEED you..." And I realized that I ACCIDENTALLY did all this at the start of meeting this boy... because I wasn't focused on developing a relationship, I was just being lil awesome ol' me and the NOt being all over him seemed to charm him. He's constantly saying things like "I don't know what it is but I can't get you out of my head." So there is some merit to this craaaaaazzzyyy theory of "don't be all crazy for them at the start, dont be obsessive..." the less "interest" ive shown, the more he's pushed and pushed to let me know how much he likes me.
And i have to say it feels good because It's been a while since someone I liked BACK showed me that sort of attention.
I'm really ecstatic and want Sunday to go fast. But I want to keep a hold of myself, as much as I've been single for too long and crave that sort of connection, I'm still terrified of it and most afraid of getting hurt again. I have become so negative from past experiences, that instead of looking at this and going "aww this is my favorite part, when everythings new and exciting and we're just discovering eachother" i'm thinking "well this part will be short and then it will be fighting and hating eachother and losing the passion that graces the start of any relationship." Isn't that sad?
Fucking ex's.
Whatever... i'm going to take it for what it is, enjoy whatever happens, hope for the best and just live it.
I really can't wait til he's here.
Reports to come i'm sure.
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| Me and my solid gaydar... |
[24 Mar 2007|11:35pm] |
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THE GAYDAR TEST!
"Definitely time to get tested."
| You personally got 14 of the 20 people correct and were better at recognizing girls than guys. Overall, you guessed better than 60% of all test takers. |
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| "The Rules" |
[24 Mar 2007|02:06am] |
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Reading this book "the Rules" which is basically a guide to get the man of your dreams to fall madly in love with you. Ok it makes total sense, but reading them I realize i do the exact opposite of EVERY RULE when I like somebody. The basis is that you should always be hard to get because once youre easy to be with, he won't want you anymore. I think we've alllll experienced this at one point (or several...), and lately for me its been the opposite, I have NO interest in a guy and all of a sudden he's DYING to get with me. Which is basically what the Rules is all about.
I'm pretty much dying as I read each one because they sound killer painful and hard to do. Here's a list:
1. Be a "creature unlike any other"
2. Don't talk to a man first, and don't ask him to dance
3. Dont stare at men or talk too much
4. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch on a date
5. Don't call him and rarely return his calls (eeeep!)
6. Always end phone calls first
7. Dont' accept a saturday night date after Wednesday.
8. Fill up your time before the date
9. How to Act on Dates 1, 2, 3 (basically, be nice, end the date yourself, don't say much, dont stare, dont talk too much, don't invite him up...)
10. How to act on dates 4- commitment time. (you can get into talking about yourself a little more, but don't spill everything. Leave yourself a mystery. Be independent)
11. Always end the date first (oy.)
12. Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift on your birthday or valentines day.
13. Don't see him more than once or twice a week (NOOOO!!!)
14. No more than casual kissing on the first date
15. Don't rush into sex and other Rules for Intimacy
16. Don't tell him what to do
17. Let him take the lead
18. Don't expect a man to change or try to change him
19. Don't open up too fast
20. Be honest but mysterious
21. Accentuate the Positive and other rules for Personal Ads
22. Dont live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment)
23. Dont Date a Married Man (duh?)
24. Slowly involve him in your family
25. Practice, Practice, Practice
26. Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules
27. Do "the rules" even when your friends and parents think its nuts
28. Rules for dating in high school (N/A)
29. Rules for dating in college (N/A)
30. Next! And other "Rules" for dealing with rejection
31. Don't discuss "The Rules" with your therapist (ok it sorta sounds like some sketchy cult!)
32. Don't break "The rules"
33. Do "the rules" and youll live happily ever after
34. Love only those who love you
35. Be easy to live with
SO some of it is really old fashioned and sorta wifey and the stuff about not calling/seeing them a lot sounds almost impossible for me since im used to relationships where you spend like, every second together. but then again in retrospect, none of those worked out, lol...
I agree with the general principal and it seems to make a lot of sense so ill try best I can...
Girls you should check this book out. Its by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. And we know that jewish women know how to keep their men! Hahaha
i should go to bed.
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| Under my skin, a run-on sentence. |
[12 Mar 2007|09:43pm] |
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I like a boy and he likes me back and he makes my heart beat faster and gives me butterflies and makes me blush and says the sweetest things I've heard in a long while, making me want to hear MORE sweet things from him and I cant stop thinking about him morning noon or night (even in dreams now) and its really scary cause I don't like to be all undone like this but i cant help it because he seems to have a hold on me and he's not even here in the same city as me at the moment and we talk all the time and when we're not talking we're admittedly thinking about eachother and i'm excited for when he comes back but i dont wanna ruin the friendship we already have so i'm very very torn but very much stuck on him at the same time and don't know what to do with my head all jumbled like this.
::GAAASSSPPPP::
But damn, it feels good.
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| kill me kill me kill me |
[10 Mar 2007|05:12am] |
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So one hour of sleep later she wakes up clawing at her skin. I havent felt itching like this in... gah ever? One of 2 things is going on here: Either an allergic reaction, possibly to the hair dye that was used this afternoon on me (please oh please oh please!)... or... bed bugs. Which, if that's the case, shoot me in the head right away. I've HEARD the dreaded stories of all the infestations in NYC. I've taken all the precautions I could, what with mattress covers and wraps and pillow thingees... but SOMETHING is eating me alive and eventhough i'm so overtired I can't see straight, i am NOT getting back in that bed tonight. How do you even find out if you have them? What the hellllllllllllllllllllllllll.
See in any other town id get in my car and drive to a pharmacy, pick up some benadryl and atleast have SOME relief. But here, the idea of having to go throw on like, 6 layers and go out walking in the freezing cold dark 5am morning.... not so appealing. Basically, this is balls.
AND i cant even get on myspace to atleast pass the time. So im throwing a survey here instead. Thanks kel.
MAKE IT STOP!!!!
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| falling....? |
[10 Mar 2007|01:10am] |
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Wow,
So i've been single for a year and going on 4 months... and I"ve gotten so used to either liking someone I can't have, or having guy after guy that likes me and its not mutual... I almost just started to get used to the pattern.
But for the first time in... well, a year and 4 months...
I think there is a mutual crush happening. It's been sooo long I can barely even remember what this feels like, or what to do with it. :)
It's still a great feeling though :)
Theyre right when they say it happens when youre not looking, and when you least expect it. I was always like "but HOW?? How is that POSSIBLE, to not be looking???" but in this case... it came from nowhere and was a total surprise. And a great one so far.
yay.
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| An old piece of brilliance... |
[20 Feb 2007|02:04am] |
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I just found an old journal tucked away that I had started but really didnt get into very much. But the first entry I wrote in an airport was really just... well, I love it. I miss writing like this. I had put it in my myspace blog, its from almost a year ago, and now I've decided I want to share it here, so take a look if you'd like :) ----
If you are sensitive to semi-graphic sexual material, read no further.
Ok, now that you're all reading further... off we go.
So many things to write about. Today, it's sex. People watching. A masterful art. So many things to watch for... Today, in Chicago's O'Hare Airport, I watch for sex. Cause for some reason, I've got sex on the brain. I wonder why.
{Cue Private Flashback.}
Oh, right.
It's rare I ever get a chance to stop and examine people this way, but when you stop and think about it, every one of these passerbys has a dirty secret. The middle aged pilor rushing off to his next flight after just having fisted a flight attendant in the Employee's Only bathroom. The young, angsty teenaged boy with his hair dyed pink who's just trying to "find himself" when he jacks off to playgirl magazines late at night. "I'll be right out mom!"... The adorable toddler in pigtails... "daddy's little girl", who will grow up to be "Daddy's little whore" sooner than you can imagine. That lollipop will be traded for a penis in no time. Your 14 year old daughter I just caught looking at me "that way"... your lesbian-in-training. And to help her out, I look right back, because I remember what it felt like to be 15 and confused. Perhaps if any of the girls I dared to look at had looked back, I wouldn't have to deal with fucking Men today. I'm getting off track.
There's the creepy old guy, sitting alone in the corner watching your son play with his toy cars. Imagining what your precious toe-headed little boy looks like naked. The college girl in the sorority sweatshirt, her face perfectly made up like she's next year's Covergirl. Little would you suspect that last night, that perfect covergirl face was covered in semen, the likes of which could earn her an AVN award (That's the equivilant of the Tony, for porn.) My personal favorite, is the two overly heterosexual frat boys, watching the game in the bar, drinking beers and boasting about the chicks they fucked on spring break.... desperately trying to drink away the memory of last night when they "accidentally" jerked eachother off in their hotel room. It's a guy thing, you wouldn't understand.
All of this surrounds us every single day but no one thinks hard enough about it. The girl sitting next to you who's not wearing underwear because she's going to see her boyfriend. Or maybe, her ex-boyfriend... whoops.
The short guy with the huge cock. The buff guy with the tiny one. This little piggy has herpes. This little piggy gets none. And this little piggy goes "wee wee wee wee" when you're shoving an 8 inch dildo up his ass. It's simple fact. Just look around you... Think of YOU dirtiest secret. The craziest shit you ever did. Then realize that most of these kinky fucks surrounding you have done a whole hell of a lot worse. The girl with the mustache coming in, too ugly to be loved... but by night she's a paper-bag slut and countless men fuck the shit out of her while she breaths in the heavy scent of the shopping bag on her head. This is the girl who always asks for paper at the grocery store. Plastic would defeat the purpose. Unless of course, she eventually gets tired of being ugly and unlovable. In that case, the old bag trick, not such a bad way to go.
To think, your little boy may grow up to take it in the ass. Tha would make for a swell bumper sticker. It would fit nicely next to the "My Brilliant child Made the Principal's Honor Roll" one. Big fuckin' deal. Your Brilliant child may be sucking penis in 10 years. Will you broadcast that too?
The fat guy at the starbucks counter... he's wearing women's underwear. The old woman in the wheel chair... she may not look like it now, but back in her prime, she was known as the "Queen of Fellatio". That's catchy.
Sex... is the one true universal launguage. Asian, African, French, Hispanic, Deaf- Doesn't matter. Fact is, If I pushed any one of them into the family bathroom and tore off my pants, they'd know exactly what to do. That is NOT to say that I would, I'm just trying to make a point. It's a whole world full of Horny Bastards. Men and women alike, i'm not holding chicks exempt from this. I'd kill to know what these horny bastards think when they stop and look at me. Perhaps I'd be flattered. In some cases, disturbed... although it's only fair to allow freedom of dirty thoughts. After all, here I am in the fetal position in an airport chair, imagining each and every one of these bastards in their nastiest sexual endeavors. It's a great way to pass the time. Time to board.
Oh great, a window seat. There's nothing I dread more, it doesn't go with my fear of flying. Especially in these little shitkicker planes. Christ... the woman sitting in front of me (3C) has been sneezing about once every 20 seconds for the last 8 minutes. They say a sneeze is 1/18th of an orgasm. If that's really the case, my friend in 3C has just had herself a double. Lucky. I hope it's allergies, otherwise we're all stuck in a flying gas chamber of influenza. Pneumonia. The common cold. Neither of which I need at the moment. All I know is that with each sneeze, my laughter gets louder... It just tickles me- I didn't know it was possible for anyone to sneeze that much! Just when I think she's finally done... she lets another rip! Ive got tears in my eyes i'm giggling so hard. I'm just glad i'm not sitting NEXT to her.
Bathroom Break. I wait in the back for "occupied" to become "vacant". A sweet-faced, gameboy playin' youngan (maybe 12?) say's "that's a funny shirt". I'm wearing my new absolutely favorite shirt ever.
(It says "I don't make mistakes, I date them)
I tell the kid thank you, and that it's absolutely true. I hope he doesn't become somebodys mistake in a few years. Oh who am I kidding, of course he will. He'll be a mistake for several girls. You never end up with your first love. They are merely the catalyst for your first gut-wrenching, skin-clawing, tear-jerking heartbreak, from which you never fully recover. The second time around ain't much better. Is third time a charm? I'm too exhausted and frightened to bother finding out. Everything in between is just a waste of time. Life, it seems, is simply a series of wasted moments, until you finally run out of them.
Uh-oh... here comes turbulance. My favorite. The grid-lock view of syracuse from up here in black and white. It wasn't snowing when I left, so by default it has to be a winter wonderland when I come back. Mid-March. It only makes no sense. Did I mention this place sucks the life out of me?
Back wheels down. Front wheel down. Decent landing in all this snow. And i've survived another one. I count each successful flight as a blessing. To die in a plane would be my worst nightmare, so of course, I expect it every time.
And here I am, back in my stressful hectic world. The one I left behind for a week that passed too quickly. No more time for avoidance. I must meet this bastard show of mine head on. Time to stop thinking about sex and death by airplane... and dive headfirst into putting on a production. Sex will have to wait.
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| Callback Report, as copied from my Myspace Blog... |
[16 Feb 2007|11:55pm] |
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So, big callback is done. It went well, methinks... here's the tale:
I was up at noon, for my 4:15 audition. I took my time getting ready, showered with a new sudafed soothers thingee which I HIGHLY recommend. You just put it in the shower with you and it dissolves and feels pretty damn heavenly hitting your lungs with the steam... big help with this cold of mine. I warmed up in the shower and while doing my hair, etc. I put on the lucky go-go dress that I wore to my original audition, it didn't look as good on me as it used to, looks like I lost weight or something, even though the scale doesnt say I did. But I tried to make it work best I could cause I consider the dress a lucky charm. I left the house at 3pm... an hour and 15 mins before my audition, figuring i'd be there half an hour early to get my sweatpants and sweaters off and relax. I was WRRROONNNGG. Hopped in a taxi that cost me $26 and took an HOUR to get there!! I was FREAKING out in the cab, jumped out a block away from my destination and RAN to chelsea studios... basically walking in at 4:15 on the dot. I ran into the bathroom, peed and ripped off my excess clothing, changed boots... and got to the audition room just in time for them to open the door and call my name. Of course here I am, flustered, no idea what's going on or what is expected of me. I fumble for my book and walk in the room saying "so... do I need my sides? I don't really know what i'm supposed to bring with me, I sorta just got here (BIG MISTAKE, what a dumb thing to say!!!) The woman just said "what are you singing?" So I told them my song and put my book on the piano. MISTAKE #2- I didn't have a pencil at home, so I was like "its fine, ill mark my music when I get there since i'll be so early." WHOOPS... didn't get there early... didn't mark my music. Oh LORD I hope this accompanist doesnt kill me. Or speak bad about me after I leave. I show him what section i'm singing, he plays the first few notes and I get in place. I'm still flustered at this point from rushing, and he goes to start. Now, I was planning on singing this extra "whoaa..." before the first word... and he began so quickly that I more like screeched out this AWFUL note... and right then I thought to myself "wow... you just blew it." I mean... it was BAAADD. But then I thought to myself... hell no, I did not come all this way to just fuck up on the intro. So i tried singing my ass of through the rest of the song. At the end, she said "Good. Now... let's try it again... this time... no smile. These girls are NOT smiley or happy through this show, they are fierce and pissed off.... your sound is great but you need the attitude. Sing it like you're threatening him." and then the woman next to her said "also, can we take it up a half-tone? This will help you explode in it..." And so I did, and this time was a LOT better, I felt pretty on with it and taking it up was fine.
They said it was good at the end... and then one said "lets have you read for Lorraine." So I grabbed my sides and we read the first scene, where shes interviewing him. It must have gone well cause she asked me to read the break-up scene as well. I did... and I felt good about it... and after she said "Nice... good read." She asked when I graduated, I told her, and then she said thank you and I left the room. Just like that it was over. I went to gather my belongings and the girl sitting there waiting to go in said "wow you should feel really good about that, they haven't been asking anyone to read scenes." So of course, that made me feel even better!!!
We shall see, it's out of my hands now. I think aside from that faulty start, I did the best that I could do, and hopefully they can see that and like me for the role!!
Can you imagine?? I cant. I absolutely cannot. But i'm really proud of myself for my first national tour callback ever. Not too shabby.
I had a callback yesterday for another gig but I didn't get it, so ces la vie.
Still have this cabaret happening March 5th, and now possibly another variety show/cabaret type of thing march 21 and 24.
Now I can let this cold take its full effect, cause I've been fighting it like crazy!!!
Oh and by the way, had a very nice valentines day, good company...and my new roomie moved in.
Things are lookin pretty good!
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| major mistake.... |
[14 Feb 2007|11:55pm] |
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OK so... I did something so so so so soooo very stupid and now I have a feeling i'm going to pay, BIG TIME.
Sooo I have this friend... who over the summer I kinda sorta slept with a few times. And it just reallllllyyy wasn't workin' out for me, I didn't have feelings for him like that, but I am the WORST when it comes to turning people down and what not... I waited til I got to NYC for tepper semester and finally told him online (when he was relentless about seeing me while visiting NY) that I did not want to sleep with him anymore. I told him I only wanted to be friends... and he was like "fine, we'll go back to what we were before, mostly just internet buddies". Of course I must have bruised his ego or hurt his feelings anyway, cause he stopped talking to me altogether for 3 months. Finally in December we started to talk online again, and over the break we hung out again. Of course, it started getting awkward when he would take me out for drinks, and we'd end up getting drunk and he'd be all "kiss me"... i'm reaaaally bad at saying no. (honestly, im like the perfect rape victim. Ew, dont get any ideas creepy internet stalkers...) So again I got myself in a hole where I was like "oh lord I hope i'm not leading him to think anythings possible between us..."
SO, I move to NYC... and coincidentally he was here when I did. He helped me move my stuff in and everything, he was really helpful to have around so that was cool. Then he went back to miami, and came back here again 2 weeks ago for work. While here, he bought us tickets to see Spring awakening and of course im NOT gonna turn that down!! So we went, and then he took me to dinner, and to karaoke... it was all nice and fine. But then of course, we HAD to end the night at a bar... and of course I got wasted. Not by choice, I knew what it could mean if I did... but the bartender kept givin us shots on the house, etc... and before I knew it I was in NO position to make good decisions.
Long story short, I slept with him again. Big big big big big mistake. I knew I didn't want to, and I did it anyways... and of course regretted it pretty immidiately.
What's worse... I don't think it's just about sex for him anymore. I mean I can't know for sure, but he seems a LOT more enamored than he ever was... and this morning at 7:30 AM, the buzzer rang. It was some sort of delivery. When I opened the door to see a man with flowers, I thought "wrong house..." but he produced a slip for me to sign that had my name on it, and I was thoroughly confused. I took them in... 2 dozen pink roses... and opened the card thinking "these must be from my parents. how sweet". Card said:
"Warm Wishes from Miami. B.C."
I'm thinking... "BC...BC... who....OH MY GOD!"
I proceeded to bang my head on the wall going "OH NOOOO" for the next 15 minutes... no clue what to do.
I feel like an asshole.
It's funny... we women... we dream of getting dozens of roses delivered to us... and I don't think that's ever happened to me on valentines day coincidentally... and here it is, I get them, and in any other circumstance it would be the most wonderful thing... but I just feel DOOMED now.
Any advice? I'm scared to have that "just friends" talk with him again. I don't want him to bail on me a second time. But for godssake, why can't I have one male friend who DOESNT fall in love with me?!?!
I CANT TAKE ALL THESE MEN THAT I DONT HAVE THE INTEREST IN BEING SO SMITTEN WITH ME!!!
Why can't it be the ones I like?
merg.
Happy valentines day.
And on another note, have your fingers crossed for my jersey boys callback tomorrow at 4:15!!!
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| My First Call-back!!!!! |
[09 Feb 2007|04:02pm] |
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So two months ago I had my very first audition ever for Jersey boys. I thought nothing of it, it was just the first for me and I figured it was my chance to see what the process was like. I certainly didn't think twice when it was over, and never expected anything from it.
So when I got the call this morning... that they want to call me back for the national tour... well you can imagine my surprise!!!
I'm soooo shocked and excited and a million emotions at once. You know you go through years of rejection from people... people who pass by and don't even notice your talent, you get kinda used to that and just expect it in everyday life. But here I am just getting started and... people are noticing. Even on an audition where I felt invisible and like I was just going through the motions... they're seeing SOMETHING and lord I just hope this means my time is coming!! Cause... it would be about time...
Please think good thoughts for me on this. I'm already ecstatic that I even have a callback, thats way more than enough for a wonderful story... but... can you imagine?!
I can't.
:-)
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| Spring Awakening... |
[07 Feb 2007|02:45am] |
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If anyone in NYC (or who will be here this week) is interested in going to see "Spring Awakening" on broadway (A-MAZING show... one of my new favorites, should NOT be missed!), I have these discount vouchers that are good until Sunday... so let me know and I can send you a code to get orchestra tickets for $61.25 which is waaaay better than the usual price.
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| The girlfriend tagged me... so I hafta... |
[30 Jan 2007|01:21am] |
Rules: Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks.
1. I pick at my food. Like, severely. I don't know where it comes from or why I do it, and it's gotten worse over the years. But i'll see little specs of stuff on my food that no one else would notice, and I pull them off. Sometimes I tear random pieces from like, chicken fingers and such and just make a pile of the "inedible". It's sooo embarrassing and I hate going on dates to eat with a new guy because of it.
2. I am not originally a redhead. I'm actually a brunette, but haven't had brown hair since 9th grade. i'm not even entirely sure what it would look like if it were its regular color, it's been many other colors. Now it's even got greys in there, which just sucks. I prefer red, I feel like I was MEANT to be a redhead, but something went awry in the process.
3. I am adopted. Most of you know this cause i've blogged it, but someones people miss that fact and then they freak out when they find out, like its some big deal. It's really not to me. I consider it to be the biggest gift I ever got my entire life, because I was not even supposed to be born... so I'm very thankful to my birthmother for deciding NOT to abort me... and in turn giving me the most KICKASS life anyone could ever dream of.
4. I am musically clueless. I don't know WHAT happened to me over those younger years when you're supposed to develop your "taste" in music and pick out all your favorite bands and such, but I missed that bandwagon. I know I was listening to musicals, I don't know what the hell else I was doing! But now, you can most likely name some ridiculously famous bands that EVERYONE knows, and I won't be able to name a song they sing. Doesnt mean I don't like them, and if you tell me a well-known song i'll know it and tell you if I like it or not, but I could never tell you who sings it. It's embarrassing.
5. I hate hate hate being skinny. most of you know this as well. This, as well as the hair on my arms (which is blonde and not that noticable, but still waaay too long to me), are the 2 physical attributes that i'm most self-conscious about. I dream of gaining weight, filling out, and one day having laser hair removal when its not so damned painful.
6. Along with the adoption thing... I always knew I was adopted, I can't remember a time when I DIDN'T know. But when I was a kid... I thought Mickey and Minnie were my birth parents. I was SOOOO serious about it. So much so, that when I went to Disney and had breakfast with the characters at age 4, I CLUNG to Mickey, and wouldn't let any of the other kids near, claiming that he was MY dad. I don't know where I got that from, except I remember there were 2 large wood cutouts of minnie and mickey decorating my childhood bedroom walls... and I think I used to talk to those cutouts and imagine them talking back as my "real parents".
7. I fantasize all day long. Not sexual fantasies, but like literally just walking around imagining things. It's how I get through the day with as little boredom as possible. if i'm alone, i'll imagine whoever there... it changes from time to time. Sometimes it's not even anyone I know, but some imaginary person I WISH I could meet. I always have to have some sort of company, even if its only in my head.
8. I didn't know how to blowdry my hair until I was 18. My mom did it for me ALL through highschool. Like, every night. Then I got to college and I was like "SHIT! I'M SCREWED!" And was forced to teach myself. Eventually (and with the help of a straightening iron!), I got the hang of it...
9. I had sex with a canadian, and now i'm obsessed with hockey. It's weird. Somehow, they go hand in hand. But seriously. Go Rangers... I can't get enough!
10. I used to have SEVERE co-dependency issues. Like, I couldn't go downstairs to the soda machine in my dorm if my best friend didn't come. I'd rather just forget the soda. (No Caela, I don't have these issues anymore. Now i'm just LAZY--- hence, if I can't get company or a good reason to go, i wont. ;) ) I was forced out of my co-dependency my sophomore year of college when suddenly, I lost all of my friends and was removed from the dorms, was forced to live alone in an apartment (my biggest fear!) and got a cat. I'm convinced the cat did the trick, cause now... I love's me some alone time. :)
Sheesh. K I'm tagging 12, cause I said so. They are:
arcticknight, blindhurt, elenenopee, hiejun, linkkk, oyglavin, vagynafondu, wolfjinxangel, therenascence, banjodrummer783, nodancingshoes, and rizzlehahasmith.
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| 2006 summary in the eyes of Livejournal, as copied from Caela. |
[18 Jan 2007|01:59am] |
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My brilliantly retarded and beautiful non-homosexual (well shes a homo but im not) girlfriend did this in her LJ and I felt compelled to copy, since I always jump to do shit like this before important stuff I SHOULD be doing.
Here's a list of the beginnings of the first entry from every month in 2006:
JANUARY:
I will start with my movie review for: Brokeback Mountain!
A 2-hour Orgasm, this hottie-ridden Gay love story gets two very enthusiastic thumbs up from me! Jake Gyllenhaal... made me cream myself as silently as I possibly could ATLEAST 10 times throughout the movie. I went by myself... because as I told my father on the way out, "I am my own best friend"... plus there are only a very small number of people (girls) who would actually see this flick with me, but that's ok because sitting alone, I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself as I groaned ever so quietly every time they shot a close-up of my beloved hottie, Jake. I decided then and there that if I had to make one dying wish, it would be to have sex with him... just once. Even if it's gay buttsex, I don't care.
(I love how discreet I was in January. Not.)
FEBRUARY:
Sorry I haven't posted here in a million years guys... i've been busy and all... plus i've been posting blogs in my myspace so have been less active on LJ. ANYWHo, i ended up in a drag contest yesterday... i posted about it in a community i'm in, and im too lazy to repost the pics here, sooo
heres the scoop (That was a link, obviously not working now)
Just click there to see the explaination and PICTURES of me as a guy!! whoaaa...
i promise ill get around to posting more about my life...some other time.
MARCH:
apparently, I didn't post anything in march. thats when myspace blogging took over I guess.
APRIL:
SOOO!!! My friend, notaprettygirl sent me a "livejournal nudge"... i didn't know such a thing existed, but apparently a noticeable lack in posting has been observed and atleast one of you wants to know what's up! :) So, thanks for the nudge!!
Let's see... sorry i've been so incognito. It's been such a busy semester! Mostly cause... I'm in this cabaret class and so had to spend the semester writing, choosing songs, putting together this one woman show, directing, producing, and starring in it!! That all went down this past weekend... and it was awesome!!! I have been stressing SO much over it all semester... but it went off without a hitch and i could not be more proud of myself, honestly. I sang my HEART out on Thursday and even moreso on Saturday... I got a standing ovation saturday night, and all of my hard work and efforts have payed off.
(and that goes on.)
MAY:
For years I huffed and puffed over the complexity of life. How difficult it was, and how I could not figure out for the life of me how to just be happy. And now I look back and I can't help but laugh at myself because the answer was in front of me always, and I simply refused to look and acknowledge it. That's just me, I have to make everything difficult for myself... but really that's the answer right there: You just need to take out the difficulty. You just need to say to yourself "this is life... no matter what it throws at me, I know I can pull through, and I am only as happy as I choose to be."
(that was a real good one... big picker upper. May 3rd. I also mention later on "2006 is gonna be MY year. I can feel it. And you know what? It really was a fantastic one.)
JUNE:
So, the scoop is... I got the job at the theatre camp. I'm teaching and directing 42 kids this session, we are putting on "Into the woods" (the jr. version.) 42 kids is a LOT!!! I've already had my first week and BOY was it exhausting. I basically passed out every day after work. Didn't really go out this weekend either. But hey, can't complain, i'm making $15/hr for it! That's incredible for a summer camp job! The kids are adorable but a handful. We only have 2 weeks left to get the entire show together.
JULY:
I was met with very sad news yesterday.
It's never easy waking up to your mother coming into your room, turning on the light, and greeting you with "I just got a horrible phone call with very bad news..."
You know someone has died. So you brace yourself and start to wrack your brain as to who it might be that you will never see or hear from again.
My mom continued with "I just got off the phone with Gilsy." Gilsy. Oh god. There's a name I haven't heard in years. Gilsy, the niece of my old housekeeper Mayra. No, housekeeper doesn't touch it. There's no title for what Mayra did for me and my family. From the time I was born, until I was 13... Mayra lived with us. Yes, she cleaned and cooked, but most importantly, she raised my brother and I. She took care of us while our parents worked... she changed the diapers, bathed us, played with us, taught us spanish from the time we were old enough to speak, punished and spanked us when needed, cared for us when we were sick, and was as much a part of our family as my mother and father.
Mayra died.
( :-( )
AUGUST:
I haven't written in awhile. But i was just meandering through my last few posts and saw that I apparently have some sort of angry stalker. Whoever this asshole is saw some video of me on youtube (my friends back at school, they're constantly making me sing for them... one night they video'd a couple things and ended up putting me on there. I'm not so thrilled about it, mostly because I don't need to hear it from jealous assholes... but whatever, its their videos to do what they want with.)
SOOO whoever this jealous stalker is somehow found my livejournal and decided to pester me here. Grrreeeaaattt. I don't need that crap, I'm on the internet for fun, not to deal with dumbass immature people.
(retardedness.)
SEPTEMBER:
Wow... I totally haven't posted since I got to NYC!!! I have been SOOOOO incredibly busy, there's not a second in the day, honest. Plus, I mostly post blogs on myspace now so I've been neglecting LJ like crazy. Haven't even gotten to read about my LJ friends lives in a loooonnnggg time! At this point I don't even think it's possible to go back and catch up on you all, but I hope everyone is well.
The city is amazing. IT's exhausting, and I woke with a cold today... but everyday I am happy (albeit tired as hell by the end!) The classes I am taking are AMAZING- they feel more like priveleges than classes. They are something to look FORWARD to doing... it doesn't feel like school at all. I am in love with all of my teachers (theyre not really "teachers", theyre all professionals in the business, so rather than lecturing, they are just so open and honest about what you need to do. It's refreshing!!) Everyone is so POSITIVE about it... they all make me feel amazing and for the first time I really feel READY to go out and give this a shot. After 3 months, i'll be ready for these auditions.
I've made a great new friend who I spend every second with, lol (hi micaela.) I live in the heart of the city... it's all so exciting.
Really there are no words for how excited and happy I am!!! Everyday is a new adventure. I can't wait to see what the future brings!
OCTOBER:
(NOTHING. DAMN NY SEMESTER, KEEPIN ME SO BUSY...)
NOVEMBER:
Hey Hey Hey. So, I haven't signed on LJ in a bazillion years. I have NOOOO idea what is going on in the lives of my LJ friends! If you care to fill me in, please write me a little comment with like, 3-5 sentences to tell me what major things have happened to you in the last like, 3 months! It'd be fun to catch up... I can't even imagine trying to go back and read my friends page for 3 months.
I've been very busy, it's hectic here in NYC, but very fun. When all is said and done, I really do love this city.
DECEMBER:
Recently Erica Has:
* Completely Finished college for good. (YAY!... and... scary.)
* Gone on her first broadway audition (for Jersey Boys)
* Moved to her new apartment on the upper east side of New York City.
* Become obsessed with a new musical that everyone MUST go see: Spring Awakening.
Life is happening folks... it's happening.
Wow... so my year in LJ was NOT thrilling at all, and most entries seemed to start with "sorry i havent updated in so long..."
What is GOOD is that 2006 seemed to lack the "woe is me he doesnt love me anymore" blogs that 2005 and 04 and 03 came jam-packed with. Movin' on up! ;-)
I'm all moved into my apartment on the upper east side of manhattan. i'm searching for a roommate. I'm going to start auditioning. Life has begun. I'm still sort of "meh" about that fact... it feels surreal and sometimes I feel COMPLETELY unready... like I don't want to be an "Adult" yet... I want school, and the permission to fuck up and not really destroy much of anything...and comfort...
But that's life. Gotta do it. I hope good things start to come so I can be a little bit more excited instead of nervous/anxious about it...
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[16 Jan 2007|02:59am] |
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Good lord I have been jonesin so hard core for love. I know this is the OPPOSITE of what you're supposed to do... that "looking" is the WRONG way to go about it (where the hell would I be looking anyways? I'm in a new city with a headcount of millions and seemingly nowhere to meet people!)
It's just rough... I had yet ANOTHER one of those heart-wrencing straight-out-of-a-movie goodbye scenes with the first Ex the night before leaving to come here... all starting out with me so confident and sure that I was completely over him and ready to move on with my life and be rid of him forever... but he knows EXACTLY how to reverse that and crawl under my skin and he did just that... which always ends with me in tears, clutching onto him and begging him to give me something... ANYTHING to showcase what he is always telling me... he still loves me. He always will. He'll never be truly content with anyone else. And yet, it's impossible for us to be together. "Introduce me to your future husband" he says. "Maybe i'll come and see you in NY" he says. This I can't handle because this is what I'm trying to forget. Funny i'm not so much attracted to him anymore. He's gained far too much weight in the comfort of his current relationship and so it's not like I look at him and swoon. But when we get to talking about the "good ol' days" and remembering how in love we were (are) and how happy we made eachother... and he says all that bullshit about how my smile would light up a room and there was just something so electrifying about me blah blah blah... hell I can see it in his evasive eyes that he's still crazy for me. And I guess in many ways i'm crazy for him too but actions speak louder than words to me and he refuses to give me any action because he's got that girlfriend he loves far less.
Oh stupid stupid stupid for me to go on about it.
In corner #2 we have this retarded infatuation with someone miles away in another COUNTRY who I can't seem to shake from my blood. Now THERE'S someone I can just look at a picture of and all of a sudden feel that I NEED to have him... and yet that's another impossibility. more and more i'm beginning to feel (regretfully) that I will never see him again. That sucks because... because because because because because. You never knew chemistry until you felt THIS shit. Je-Sus. I haven't been hot for someone like that in... I don't even know how long.
Why is it that the hottest guy I've ever been with is soooo damned far away?!
Ridiculous.
So where's prince charming for me? God i've been SO patient, honest I have!! And the longer i wait the more I feel the NEED and then I can't just "let him come to me"... wait around for it... it's driving me nuts! Especially in this city that I know fairly well but now that I LIVE here officially... I feel small, a bit lost and pretty damned alone. Even with my friends close, there's a lot of independance that comes with this and that's not one of my favorite things to have to deal with.
Here I go rambling again.
I'm just beginning to feel a bit desperate and I don't know how/where to let it out.
COME ON 2007... let me have him!
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