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[Tuesday
April 15th, 2008 @ 1:13am] |
I need to learn to find strength in myself.
I don't know what lies before me.
I hate feeling vulnerable.
I'm crying as I'm writing this, and I don't understand. I don't understand. wallah, ana ma bfham hath al dunya..
i wish i knew how to put the pieces together. one day, wallah one day...I am going to take my sorry self on a plane, after college and grad school or whatever, and disassociate myself with everything in my past.
kol ishi, bs deeni wa baladi. bas bas bas....
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glow of the city
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[Wednesday
November 21st, 2007 @ 9:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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erga3ly//tamer hosny |
] |
I don't understand why my parents feel it's okay to just use my money, like the work I do doesn't mean anything. and I understand we're going through hard times, insanely hard, i'm not even sure how my dad pays for the house every month. but it's a bit ridiuculous, when your mother refuses to even make you bakhlawa [dessert with longgg family history] because she wants you to pay for the damn ingredients. that's just a bit ridiculous. she uses my money like water. which really doesn't much, considering the drought..
but point being, I turn 18 in less than three hours and i'm unhappy with my life. senior year is the worst yet, i need money insanely but if i get a job i may not even get a chance to sleep because of all the classes/clubs i'm doing, speaking of clubs i want to quit academic decathlon SO BAD but Kenneth [with complete disregaurd and selfishness] made me the captain in May and now I feel like I have some sort of duty to all the nerds out there, i hate the way i look [but what else is new], i'm sick of getting sick, i'm worried out of my mind about college and whether or not i'll get a scholarship,i wish some of my friends weren't so selfish and realized i actually have a personality that goes beyond the realm of simply giving advice, i'm tired of my parents putting so little faith in me, i'm so TIRED OF MY PARENTS TALKING ABOUT MONEY ALL OF THE TIME--i get we're broke and i'm sick of crying myself to sleep and breaking all of my dreams into microscopic fragments so that i can make them happy, i have lost all hope in the future--I don't have the heart of a doctor--why why why am I doing this? because of my parents, I just want to get out of this town so bad but I haven't done so in months.
I suppose I had to get all of that out.
I don't know how I hold myself together everyday.
it would be nice if i could fly..
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2 glow of the city
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[Friday
October 26th, 2007 @ 11:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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i wonder//kanye west |
] |
Perhaps I am reading too much into things, perhaps pupils are not meant to be observed but only the cornea, only the outer surface that never really touches those strange, inexplainable strings that plays the chords of the heart...the sounds of which change everytime, the sounds I can never play straight...
but are they meant to be played precisely, like some sort of formula, in the first place...?
aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh, i feel burned out.
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glow of the city
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[Sunday
July 29th, 2007 @ 9:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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amr diab |
] |
I finished Harry Potter.
And now I am sad.
I feel like I have lost a very good friend.
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glow of the city
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[Thursday
July 19th, 2007 @ 9:25pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
My life is so insane.
All I have done this summer is do AP homework[ughhhhhhh], help my dad with taxes, and go to work.
Regal Cinemas can kiss my ass, the only reason I honestly bother showing up there anymore is for the free movies.
But times are a changin'....I will hopefully update this thing later when I have the time.
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glow of the city
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bel__canto's journal