| and it continues... |
[12 Dec 2001|06:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full of air... it's beautiful. |
] |
nothing. that is what i have eaten today.. isn't it wonderful? i feel so light, airy.. full of nothing.
i will continue this as long as i can.. hopefully i will make it until saturday. if i can do that, i will let myself eat on saturday...
yes, saturday sounds good.
|
|
| what more beautiful then nothing...? |
[11 Dec 2001|08:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
yes, that is right. nothing..
that is what i have eaten today. and i will continue this beautiful word on for the next 3 days, or perhaps longer.
my body must be contained, and i will contain it.. if it kills me, i'll contain it...
intake:
* 1 cup black coffee
* 1 cup english toffee, tea
|
|
| why do i do this to myself...? |
[08 Dec 2001|08:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fat & disgusting.... |
] |
i binged today.. big fucking surprise.
what did i eat today? let me list it all...
breakfast:
* 3 pieces of french toast, with peanut butter and raspberry jam
* half a plate of hash browns, with ketchup
supper:
* half an order of primevera pasta, with a piece of cheese bread
* 3 breadsticks with cheese, and marinera sauce
* a large diet pepsi
snacks:
* 4 turtles chocolates
* 1 ferrer rocher
* 2 handfulls of peanuts
i. am. a. fat. disgusting. pig.
|
|
| i am alone... |
[07 Dec 2001|04:58pm] |
all i have eaten in the last two days is a ferrer rocher (?) chocolate.. i don't want to think about how many calories were in that...
and now i'm at home. alone.
my parents have gone out of town to a friends house for his b-day party, and i didn't go. they expect me to eat while they are gone.. i could. it would be so very easy to binge without them here.. without their watchful eyes, asking why i'm so hungry.. my mom telling me that i'm going to get fat.
which is true.
i am going to get fat.
and that, is why i am not going to eat tonight.. at all. then it will be two days in which i have eaten next to nothing.
i'm getting closer to Ana every day.. the lies, the excuses roll off my tongue like nothing.. almost as if Ana is the one talking for me... and i like it. this feeling of emptiness. light, like air.
yes... i will eat nothing tonight.
what a beautiful word nothing is...
|
|
| i need inspiration... |
[06 Dec 2001|07:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dirty |
] |
i binged last night..
i binged worse then i have in a very long time... it was as if i simply couldn't be full, and so i kept filling myself- filling this void inside me- as if i thought fat, calories and food will save me.
it wont. i have to keep this in my head during this time of temptation... christmas will not be my undoing, i will not lose Ana to this holiday of fat and food.. i just can't.
i feel shitty today. i feel full, distended, like my stomach has stretched overnight... i feel heavy, disgusting and fat.
i will eat nothing today..
i'm going to take 'Wasted' out of the library today... marya, how i admire her.. and she will give me the inspiration i need to keep Ana by my side...
|
|
| what have i done.... |
[03 Dec 2001|05:18pm] |
|
too much, oh good goddess i ate too much. i knew this would happen.. in the back of my mind i knew this.. but i couldn't help myself.
i ordered pizza.. and i ate 2 fucking pieces! 2 pieces and four cheese bread sticks.. i don't even want to begin thinking of how many calories i have packed into my body... i feel fat. disgusting. i can feel the fat on my body.. this is terrible. i want to cry. i want to throw up..
i'm not going to eat tomorrow. not a single thing. and the next day after that, because i have to get rid of this fat. this flesh that is suffocating me.
Ana, help me.. please help me. i need you. now more then ever...
|
|
| i need to stay calm.... |
[03 Dec 2001|03:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
i am letting myself binge today.. i will eat what i crave when i crave it.. though i will not eat too much, becaue i wont gain back the weight i've lost.. i wont.
i simply need to let myself do this from time to time until after christmas.. because i don't want to be frozen at my step-dad's house on christmas staring at my plate, not able to eat anything.. so from now on, maybe once a week until christmas, i will give myself a day in which to eat whatever i want...
but i must stay calm.. i can feel the anxiety, the fear rising up in my chest already.. frantically counting calories and yet taking them in anyways..
may the goddess give me strength to get through this day...
|
|
| too much, always too much.... |
[02 Dec 2001|08:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
i have to start being more careful.. my mom is beginning to notice the change..
i can't let her find out about Ana.. she wouldn't understand, no one understands.
she is always complaining about her weight.. and so she is always making comments about mine.. today she told me that i was getting 'too skinny'.. then she lifted my shirt and noticed that i was wearing more then one pair of pants..
yes, i have begun wearing two pairs of pants because the winter cold seems to be eating into my bones..
so i have to be more careful, i have to take more precotions..
she even noticed that i didn't eat all of my supper... and says that if i 'want to get sick and end up in the hospital, then that is my own choice' and all that shit...
what she doesn't know is that Ana wont let me get sick..
so i don't have to worry...
i ate too much today.. like usual it seems..
* half a bowl of spaghetti-O's
* very small cheese bun
i'm sure that is at least 300 to 350 calories.. i should only be eating 200 if that..
i need more will power.
Ana, take my hand and lead me. i will do all that you say.. just help me, help me to make you proud..
but i am really tired.. so i am going to sleep..
|
|
| i knew it.... |
[01 Dec 2001|03:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
we went.. to the mall, and exactly what i thought would happen, did.
my mom wanted to get something to eat.. so i got a 6" sub from city sub.. vegetarian with cheese. and i ate all of it.
i feel disgusting. my stomach still hurts from eating that much...
all together, i'm sure it was around aprx. 350 calories.
how fucking stupid is that? honestly. i'm going to go over and smoke a b-day joint with my friend.. so i can get out of eating supper. the walk there will burn calories, and then i will do my excersizes when i get home...
i will be thin.
everything will be wonderful when i am thin...
|
|
| what am i going to do... |
[01 Dec 2001|09:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
i am going to the mall with my mommy tomorrow... i have christmas shopping again. there is of course nothing wrong with that.. if that was the only thing i had to worry about.. it's not.
there is a food court in the mall, and my mom will want to get something to eat...
how am i going to get through that? everything they sell there is absolutely swimming in calories. french fries, hamburgers, chinese food.. everything- full of fat.
i am afraid.
i did so good today, i felt so at one with Ana all day... and yet tomorrow it will be ruined. not to mention the fact that i binged last night... i ate. so very much. so very many chocolates.. 80 calories each, and i do not know how many i ate.
i want to cry.
i felt so good earlier, but now it has dawned on me.. today is only one day- and i have so many more to get through before i am thin... to many. it feels as if i am drowning in my flesh...
what am i going to do....?
|
|
| nothing... |
[30 Nov 2001|05:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
nothing. what a seductive word... and a world to describe what has tainted me today. not a single morsel of food has passed my lips. this empty feeling is beautiful. *smiles*
today i did have a small green chai tea with soy milk... i don't know how many calories that would have, not a lot hopefully.
and that is all. except my religious black coffee and cigarrettes...
empty. like a faerie. i am air..
|
|
| i hate supper time... |
[27 Nov 2001|04:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fat, disgusting.. like crying |
] |
i feel.... disgusting. there is no other way to describe this slimy, crawling feeling slithering up from my stomache. i can feel the fat on my body, it's suffocating.. like a huge, bloody cockroach is slowly eating me alive.
today i ate a candy cane. my friend megan brought it for me, and i felt so bad looking at it- because i knew she'd want me to eat it.. but i didn't want to. i did anyways though, in the long run.. and on top of that i had a peanut m&m... i don't even know how many calories that is.. oh gods.
then for supper i had:
* 1/4 (more exactly tonight then last) peice of left over lasagna
* 2 very small peices of garlic bread (strips again)
today i have been tainted..
and i am so afraid of the month of december that is creeping up around the corner.. and the things that my parents will bring home. chocolates, egg nog, christmas dinner.. all these things swimming in fat, calories, death.. and they will force these in me, force this fat into me. i wont be able to refuse it all, because i can't let them know about Ana. i can't give away this secret that me and Ana share, it is to sacred to me.. and i am not thin enough yet, i don't have enough control yet.
i will get there. i will surpass being Ana's midnight lover, i will be Ana.. i will know what it feels like to walk on snow and not leave any tracks....
|
|
| it's like my body doesn't sleep.... |
[27 Nov 2001|07:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
it seems as if, no matter how early i fall into oblivion at night, still i wake the next morning more tired then the night before. perhaps my body simply doesn't sleep, my mind shuts down for a few hours, but i'm not really asleep.. i'm just closed.
i ate to much yesterday. i was tainted.
* 2 small peices of garlic bread (the strip peices)
* 1/4 peice of lasagna
yes, if i keep this up my dream will never surface. i must close my eyes before i eat and let my visions wash over me, fill me up with their light so i do not need food.
i will eat less tonight.
|
|
| i'm freezing... |
[25 Nov 2001|03:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
when i close my eyes i see a swirling multitude of bones, pale skin stretched over rib cages like baskets of air. faerie-like grace, empty, full of light, like delicate, antique tea cups. this is what i will be.
i will be empty, floating, like a feather on the wind.. my bones will show themselves to me, seduce me with their sensual plains and angles. i will be thin, i will be thin....
not a morsel of food has passed my lips yet today, all that has entered me- tainted me, is a cup of black coffee, and three small sips of ice tea.
tonight i will have to break this.. i will have to fill my body, feed it- it's desires will be satisfied. and i will want to cry. i will exhaust myself with calisthenics when i have finished.. and then again, i will be empty...
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
beautiful_bones's journal