| Current mood: |  annoyed |
Roosters (Cocks?) coming home to rest....
This seems to be the week of dealing with men who are unsure of what to do with their boyfriends when it comes to their outside play. While this is not my responsibility or anything I'm overly concerned about, I do have strong feelings as to what I think works if gay male relationships are to overcome the desire to spread our seed. The bottom line is I think it should be spread.
Without getting too sexual, another guy who I am very compatible with intellectually and sexually (not the guy I mention in my other post of this date) recently responded to an inquiry to hang out again by saying that we should do dinner and a movie, but that he was really excited about a new guy he is seeing so that he would not be available for intimacy. This is a person who initially contacted me a few years ago just for conversation online because he had a "lover" in a middle-eastern country with whom he was monog! I've heard stories almost as crazy at that before, but some gay men will go to extreme lengths to avoid the stigma of being single for one moment.
Later he told me they had opened up the relationship and that is when we started having a few encounters where each other's company was thoroughly and mutually enjoyed. After one or two more visits by this boyfriend of his from afar, the inevitable happened and the foreign national and he finally went their separate ways emotionally. I did not dream of moving in romantically on this guy right away as I saw his pain and liked him to much to insult him by trying to act as a proxy, but obviously someone else, who lives closer to him, got into his life and so I am happy for them if they are giving each other what they need in and out of the bedroom. It does seem like timing is everything and my prudence in not going to fast has often found me losing out on these opportunities, for better or worse.
So while it may have seemed crass had I not done it in a tactful way, I told my friend that while I enjoyed my time with him outside of the bedroom as well, I was not going to be in the mood to hear him gush about this new man of his while I sit there feeling like chopped liver. I can think of far more productive things to do with my time than to go out on a date with a coupled man (like, gawd forbid, go out with a single, emotionally available man who lives close to me)! I define a "date" very narrowly as two single guys going out is not a date to me. Only when a romantic relationship is feasible and it is being furthered toward that end by spending social time together with another single individual, then THAT is a date to me.
My friend was very understanding because I told him that I just didn't think the timing of our socializing would be right so we're tabling it. In my experience nothing lasts forever anyway and at some point in the future he will be single again or reached the point in his relationship, as he did in his last, where they have developed an understanding that they can play with others, together or apart. If that never happens before we lose contact or grow old and die, then so be it. While there is not always the proverbial "other fish in the sea" when it comes to the gay male dating pool, there certainly is plenty of sexual opportunities that one can partake in. For this reason some of the loneliness that living the honest openly gay life affords can be mitigated, even if it would be nice for me to have a main squeeze of my own again some day.
Whatever I do, I am going to do with dignity and I think that is something I conveyed.
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bearlawnyc) wrote,
