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January 2nd, 2008
02:20 pm - Forgot something important...
My sister (Sh) gave birth on October 31st so I'm an uncle now. My sister should be on Jerry Springer. Here's a quick review of her love life:
8 or so years ago going out with...I forget his name...oh yes, Gry. Gry seemed a very nice guy but had no direction and ambition.
She abruptly ended that relationship and started dating someone named Gbe. Gbe was very into karate and so too was my sister during that period. Unfortunately, Gbe didn't treat her well (no physical abuse but...) and he didn't know how to manage his business (always in severe debt). After 1-2 years, she left Gbe.
Shortly after leaving Gbe she met Jms. He seemed pretty cool, they went out for a several years. Then he finally became a firefighter (as he had been trying to do for all the years they were together). She said he seemed to change. Sh didn't like the changes and the loss of herself as a person to his career. She left Jms. He suddenly turned from nice guy to world class jerk (to our mom too, who is probably one of the nicest people who have ever lived).
Right after breaking up with Jms, Sh met Rb. Rb was in the military and scheduled to go to HI in only a couple of months. After two months of dating Sh dropped school and moved to HI with Rb even though only two people in the family had met him. None of us really knew anything about Rb and she was moving overseas with him. It was a scary time for us, watching from the sidelines. It turned out that he seemed a decent enough guy. He seemed to adore her and treated her well. The main problem was that he wanted children and she did not because she wanted to finish school and start her career. Despite this major difference in life goals, they seemed on track until he had to go to Iraq. Later my sister accidentally learned that he had been cheating on her with his ex-girlfriend (and potentially others) in the months leading up to his deployment. Things came to a head while he was still in Iraq and they broke up. Rb turned out to be a world class jerk upon break up. This took place fall of 2006 or something like that. The divorce just recently became final (I think).
Before Sh had completed her divorce with Rb, a co-worker named Jf proclaimed his love to Sh. He was a dear friend and Sh had never thought of him romantically. Apparently he had always had feelings for her but kept them hidden. There were two windows when he could have let her know of his feelings because she was between relationships. At the time he decided not to rush to approach her. Unfortunately for him, the windows were open for a short time and he missed both opportunities. This time he said "carpe diem" and told her of his feelings right after he heard about the problems with Rb. By January 2007 they had dated several times. They began slowly, going out first as friends as my sister considered the possibility of a relationship. Later Sh learned she was pregnant despite use of condoms and birth control. She knew she was getting older and if she was ever going to be a mom this might be the time. Despite the newness of her relationship with Jf she decided to have the baby. Thus, I became an uncle on All Hallows' Eve 2007.
Time to run (3.1 miles) and shower before picking up the boys so T can go to Tae Kwon Do.
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12:52 pm - I have to write something positive
The boys are amazing and amazingly funny.
T is still bent on becoming a robotic engineer. He regularly says things like "my robots will make things to help the earth" and "my robots will protect us" and so on. I've been impressed with his ability to assemble fairly complex Lego sets with minimal help. He can add 2 or 3 low numbers together, he understands very simple multiplication, and he can read simple books now. He wants to learn to read and do math so he can learn to build robots. He also started Tae Kwon Do over the summer and tested and earned his purple belt a couple of weeks ago. J and I felt happy and proud. The other day he called the paper shredder a paper blender -- funny and true.
R is an abstract thinker. You can see it already at the age of 2 1/2. He does more pretend play than his brother ever did and he seems to be the master of one trial learning (which is a problem if you let him see how a seat buckle works). He have a very sweet and compassionate disposition and amazing athletic skills (he's fairly ripped for a 2 year old). He adores T and it's fun to see the two of them playing together. The other day we went to the Natural History Museum and the kids were able to pretend to be paleontologists with a chisel, brush, and safety googles. R looked up with a huge grin, held up his hand, and said I have a CHEESEL! Somehow that was hilarious and we all laughed for a bit (including the employee who was overseeing the exhibit). R pooped in the potty for the first time on 11/25, then again a couple days later. We thought great, we'll be potty trained in no time. No dice. He hasn't done it since.
The boys do love Santa.
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12:29 pm - Being honest...
If I'm being honest with myself, and I suppose I should be honest here if I'm going to be honest anywhere, I've not been doing a good job of living life. The lack of posts are symptomatic of a deeper issue. My conditioning and overall health have waned and I've put on more pounds than I care to admit. I'm nowhere near my terrible state of health when I first began running but I am not taking care of myself.
On the other hand, there's plenty of good to be found in my life. I'll focus on that and I'll try to post my 2007 holiday letter some time soon (it's late as always).
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February 22nd, 2007
02:42 pm - Clarity
I was a teenager, full of that teenager angst that makes you feel like you are immortal, you hate the world, and the world hates you. I felt trapped and couldn't see my future through the cloudy haze of my reality. No money for college, no career for life. I occasionally thought about death and how it would solve so many problems.
One night I was at my next door neighbor's house, waiting for Mr. S's daughter to come home. I secretly loved her but she thought of me only as a brother. But I'm not going to talk about her now.
Mr. S was a veteran of the Korean War and more than slightly deranged as an alcoholic. As usual, he was drunk, and he regaled me with tales of shooting people from mountaintops with high powered rifles. He took out his loaded .45 and told me what he could do with it. Then he pointed it at me and cocked the trigger. His bloodshot eyes stared at me and his alcohol laden breath wafted toward my nostrils. I saw a tremor in his hand and I knew he could do it. He asked me what I thought the .45 could do to me. I recounted what he had said earlier. He asked me if I wanted to live. In that moment I had clarity. All my self-indulgent angst melted away and I knew I wanted to live. I knew I loved the world and I knew there was love in the world for me. I told him I wanted to live.
I swallowed hard, reached out very slowly, and asked if I could see the pistol. He smiled, the tenseness vanished, and to my surprise, he handed me the .45. In that moment I became his friend, learning about the pain that could be inflicted on others.
I never liked him, especially when he was drunk. He used to beat his daughters and he put nails under our car tires all the time. But I still thank him today for the clarity he gave me that night.
I didn't run today...rest day. I've been listening to all kinds of music on the Creative Zen V that I won in a raffle over Christmas while running. "Tequila" is hands down the best running song ever. Classical music can create an almost ethereal experience while running.
Monday we went to see Clifford with both kids at the local playhouse. R actually sat and watched the entire thing (unlike The Nutcracker).
On Monday, T's teacher mentioned she liked Josh Groban. T said, "I like Josh Groban too, he's a really good singer." Later that night, as we drove to dinner after the show, T said, "if Miss Vicky likes Josh Groban then she'll like Andrea Bocelli too." So the next morning I told T to ask Miss Vicky if she knew of Andrea Bocelli, so he did. She hadn't heard of him so T asked me if I could bring the music in. Of course he was correct. She loved Andrea Bocelli.
Oh, and T made a multilingual pun the other day. I was making up the bath for R and T said you are huaing the bath for Ryan. Puzzled, I asked him to repeat himself. Then I got it. Hua means draw (as in drawing a picture) in Chinese. I was drawing the tub for Ryan.
R is talking up a storm. We don't always understand him but it's a ton of fun. He's a very affectionate child, randomly hugging any of us at unexpected times.
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February 21st, 2007
11:55 pm - Beating back the funk...
Right after my last post, I decided I was going to be happy and I wasn't going to let work or life stress get me down. Then I lost my wallet. I've lost important things my entire life but it still drives me insane when it happens. For two days I searched high and low for the wallet. Finally, I had to accept it was gone. I spent the next few days trying to catch up on work while taking care of all the things that needed to be done because I lost my wallet (e.g., canceling and getting replacement credit cards, getting a new driver's license, etc.). I'm still dealing with some of the ramifications of losing my wallet and I'm still trying to get on top of my workload.
I was actually depressed for about two days. I snapped out of it when I re-remembered that there are more than 6.5 billion people in the world, with about 300 million of them in the U.S. Many would argue that even the worst off of the people in the U.S. are probably better off than most of the rest of the people in the world. I know my life is at least in the upper half of the 300 million. So, there are about 6 billion people who have it worse than I do on a daily basis. After that, I shook myself out of my doldrums.
I'm back at it, working hard to get things done, working hard to stay in shape. I've put on a few pounds but now I'm really focused on working them back off. On Monday I ran 7.1 miles in 11 degree windchill. I was cold and tired when I finished but it felt soooo good. Tuesday I ran 3 miles in 25 degree weather, and today I ran 5 miles in 45 degree weather. I'm back!
It's late so I have to sleep. I'm going to place a link to two things here. The first is to a pdf of an edited version of our holiday letter that we sent late in December. The second is to a thought provoking video.
Letter
Video
Good night.
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January 31st, 2007
05:59 pm - Happy New Year!?
How can it be the end of January already?
So much going on...
That committee I'm serving on? It blew up politically just as I predicted.
December -- fun Christmas but about 5 weeks of ilness going around in circles in the house.
Didn't make 1,000 miles last year. Still running though. Gained more weight than I care to admit. Working on taking it back off.
More to say but kids to pick up. Got to play in the snow with them this morning.
I have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head -- want to connect with others. I actually feel a little lonely inside.
My life appears good externally. Internally, not so much. Stressed, lack of focus, lack of sleep, lack of direction. Hard for me to write b/c I don't want to whine...my life is certainly better than more than 5 billion other people. How can I complain?
Gotta go, will try to catch up.
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November 23rd, 2006
02:55 am - Missing friends...
I miss you dearly. Truly.
Life has been insane. It was busy before but now it's a new level of busy. It's 1:45 am. I should be sleeping. I want to be here for a moment or two.
Halloween: awesome, Aunt S came out to visit. T was a police car, R was a clown, I was an ostrich rider, J was Gilligan.
Thanksgiving: a quiet day with the four of us (plus Murphy and Mooch). This is a very good thing.
R is a very happy boy. Loves balls. Loves music. Does a "wiggle the butt" dance that is indescribably cute. Imagine a 1 1/2 year old shaking his booty. That's it. That's the dance. Blows kisses to everyone but has terrible aim (blows them in the air, toward the wall, whereever the hand goes).
Conversations with T:
T: You are taller than dad, right mom?
J: Yes.
T: But if dad eats his vegetables and exercises he'll keep growing and one day he'll be taller, right?
J: *laughing* No, it doesn't work that way for adults.
T: What's this bump on your back?
Me: That's a subcutaneous cyst. It's a minor thing, I could have it removed but it doesn't bother me.
T: It looks funny. What's in it.
Me: Remains from an infection in the hair follicle.
T: But it's gone now?
Me: Yes.
T: I think I like your funny bump dad.
Teacher: What makes you happy?
Kid 1: Trick-or-treating.
Kid 2: Trick-or-treating.
Kid 3: Playing with my friends
Kid 4: Thanksgiving.
T: I'm always happy.
T can count to 10 in English, French, Spanish, Thai, Japanese, German, and Chinese. Usually. His Chinese teacher says he has excellent enunciation. He still wants to be a police robotic engineer.
We went through another tantrum phase with T recently but things seem to be back to normal again. These phases always seem to follow growth spurts.
My sister is probably going to get a divorce. Her husband, R, has been lying to her and cheating on her. As soon as he comes back from Iraq it's over. My sister has taken up running and lost a fair amount of weight. She was getting seriously overweight so this is a good thing. We ran 3 miles, 4 miles, then another 4 miles while she was here.
I'm still running. Will break 1000 miles for the year. Not in as good shape as I was earlier in the year. Too busy, not enough sleep, bad eating habits. Holding steady mostly, but need to get back on track.
Life is good. Crazy but good.
I guess I should get sleep.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
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September 25th, 2006
02:16 pm - Su: 3.2 @ 11; today?
I ran yesterday again and lo, it felt good. I was pushing R in the stroller and had the dog in tow. 3.2 miles at slow pace. I feel out of shape after only a week and a half of layoff.
I've been lax about exercise and everything else in my life but I've written 50 single spaced pages of the chapter in 2 weeks. Several hundred references. Also, I managed to edit 6 other chapters, and more or less kept up with life.
No time for a real post so in lieu of rational thought, I present...old poetry. I wrote this many years ago when I was in the middle of life transitions.
The Train Ride
Staring out the window,
tears come.
Like those of a willow,
weeping.
Scenes fly past,
different lives, different fates.
The window is transparent,
yet it shields me from contact.
A small hand reaches,
to touch.
A mother caring,
pulls it back.
The little one doesn’t know,
that fate lies and waits.
Flying by lives of unknown sorrows,
and happiness.
The sun sets,
darkness envelopes.
The sound of one staring
out the window, crying,
remain.
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September 21st, 2006
06:02 pm - Still no sleep, still no running, but progress
I slept about 3 1/2 hours last night. Pounding, pounding, pounding on the chapter. Between 1/2 and 2/3rds done. Yay. Soon. It's a tough chapter but I think it's a good one -- I hope it is.
No time for running...working instead. Got driveway resealed today. Had to clear driveway. Teeth cleaned. Writing.
Teaching now. Break time, a few minutes to get air.
Back to teaching. And writing tonight. I must let the albatross (chapter) take flight.
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September 20th, 2006
10:55 am - R's first "sentence"
Did I mention that R said a "sentence"?
*R walks around with a stuffed toy*
R: Daa saa ka ka.
Me: What did you say?
R: Daa saa ka ka.
Me: Oh! You said a sentence! Did you say “duck says quack quack”?
*R smiles, laughs, and runs off with the stuffed duck*
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10:33 am - No running, little sleep, just work
Now I know why I was procrastinating on that chapter. Deep down I knew it was going to be a challenging one to write. Somewhere inside me I knew it was going to take a lot of time, energy, and creative insight and I was lacking all three. I knew it was going to take some hard work and long days and nights. As a result, like a fool, I avoided it.
Now I'm making real progress. It is hard slogging, haven't sleep much in days. I have to work on it around everything else in my life so I've been spending many nights working on it until 2:30 or 3 am, then waking at 6:00 to begin my day anew. But...soon it will be done (at least a draft will be) and I will rejoice. Talk about your albatross!
The committee already annoys me. I can't believe I'm co-chair. I have a phone meeting today.
Hmmm. As a break, I played two games of poker yesterday. The first one I lost pretty quickly calling an "all in" with a FH 8s over 4s to a FH Qs over 8s. End of game. The second game I landed in nearly the same predicament. I had 3Ks with no flush, pairs, or overcards showing on the board. A hint of a straight. I called into heavy betting and lost to a straight on the river. Eventually, I got down to only $2 in chips. Incredibly, I came back to win everything. I had to use a lot of skill but I also needed a little luck on my side. Poker is a bit like life. You can't sit back and wait for things to happen. You have to get in there and risk something if you want to get somewhere. But taking a risk, even if the odds are in your favor, doesn't always work out. You need a little luck but you can often create your own luck if you pay attention and know when to make a move. I love poker but have very little time to indulge. I try to keep this desire in check (pun intended).
The kids continue to do fun things and show evolution in their development.
I tried to test R's comprehension of more complex sentence structures.
Me: *without pointing* Can you please take this toy and go over there and give it to your teacher?
R: *plods over to the teacher and hands her the toy then says with glee* Gheeee!
This morning R sat on my lap and I started gently stroking his face, head, and eyes. He sat there, completely still, for nearly 5 minutes. He is never still for 5 minutes unless he's asleep or sick.
T was playing in the bath yesterday and stuck a plastic cord into the boat so that it skimmed the surface of the water.
T: Look at this!
Me: Oh, what is it?
T: It is a regulizer.
Me: A regulizer? What's that?
T: It makes it so that the boat won't tip when the storms hit it.
*splashes water on the boat with a cup*
Me: Wow, that's a great idea. I like the name too.
T: I made them up.
T is fixated on Gilligan's Island, with a particular focus on one particular episode. He can sing all of the opening lyrics and he plays with his boat in the tub like it is the Minnow. It's quite cute.
Back to pounding at the rock (the chapter). I will finish this, I will finish this, I will finish this. Then I will run again. And sleep. And be less stressed.
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September 18th, 2006
12:56 am - 1.6 miles @ 11
I may lose my mind. So busy. I just finished editing ch 5 of our book and posted it for the classes. I still need to edit the overheads.
I have good students in both my classes this semester. It should be fun teaching the courses.
Running still happening but at much lower level. Too busy, kids waking me up, working late, foot hurting. Sticking with it though. I think I've gained 4 lbs in 3 weeks. Eating in the middle of the night (late nights working) and not working out is a bad combination. That's how I got fat to begin with.
Was going to run today w/ the dog and R in the stroller (T and J were at Chinese school) but then dog started limping. Turned around and headed home. Still not sure what is wrong w/ his front paw. Looked at it very closely and couldn't see anything. If it continues, will take him to the vet.
Going to be a busy day.
Tasks:
I want to try to write 15 pages tomorrow.
Ch 5 overheads
Letters of ref for student
Faculty meeting
Late review to be done
I don't think I can do all of it. Something has to give. We'll see.
My life is swirling about me. I'm stressed with little time to sleep and no time to exercise.
That committee? I said no. Then I had numerous phone calls and personal pleas. It seems everyone thinks I'm the only one who can manage the underlying politics (because I'm sane and don't give a damn about politics?). Anyway, I'm the co-chair of the committee. I wonder if I'll regret saying yes.
Let's see. 1 am. I want to wake at 5:15 for a run. I don't know about that.
I know I sound like I'm complaining. I'm not. I'll work through this. Things will lighten up soon. It's just insane right now.
I'm going to write up my memories of The Mile and the 10K some day. I hope.
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September 11th, 2006
08:12 am - Sa: rest, Su: 2.9 walk, Mo: 4@11.3
Wow, the semester is already in full swing. Meetings all day today, won't be home until late afternoon, after which I have to make a Costco run. Unload then get kids and make dinner.
Took last week off, loosened up on eating, probably gained 2 lbs. but I didn't care. Planned for the relaxation week. Will get back to it this week. Fell asleep @ 2. Woke @ 5:15 to get the 4 mile run in with the dog. Slow run. On track to easily break 1000 miles for the year.
J is teaching late (won't be home until after 10:30 pm) so I'll play single parent tonight.
Don't know how I'll keep writing here with this schedule but I'm going to try.
To do list (for reference):
Reference letters for student
Read & edit ch 2-6 for our book
Convert & post ch 2-6 for students in class
Read & edit overheads for ch 3-6 for book
Contact director about production costs for video
Convert & post overheads for class
Set up class participation schedule
Line up guest speakers
Create e-mail list for both classes
Finish review 1
Finish review 2
Of course, FINISH THAT CHAPTER
...and more.
New Dean wants me to serve on a high profile highly politicized committee because I'm the right person to fix some major issues in the school. Right, that's what I want to do.
Off to get ready.
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September 8th, 2006
11:06 am - I don't usually do these...
I don't usually do these quizzes because they often have little or no reliability or validity, rendering the results useless beyond a procrastination tool. However, when I saw this one in ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lilly_pie's journal I immediately recognized it as a measure of the Big Five personality dimensions. The Big Five has been empirically established in hundreds, if not thousands, of research studies and it has been shown to have high reliability and validity. Some of the dimensions are excellent predictors of employee performance (e.g., conscientiousness) and training outcomes (e.g., openness). I've used similar measures in my own research. The items used in the quiz have reasonable face validity and are similar to those used in published tests and studies. So I took the quiz. It profiled me quite accurately, especially if you read the more detailed full report that describes the sub-dimensions within each of the Big Five. I almost want to use this as an example of a personality test for one of the classes I'm teaching that involves selection of employees. I may read it again later because I can see some diagnostic benefit in terms of what I need to do to better my life (and myself).
Edited to add:
Although the Big 5 has been empirically supported this does not mean that this test will be perfect. First, this quiz is less than half the length of a more complete assessment profile so the error of measurement will be higher. Second, even if it meets the typical standards of reliability it still means that between 15% and 25% of the variability in observed scores could be due to error. Third, I have no idea how scores on these items are translated into the colorful scoring bars displayed below. There could be transformation problems. Fourth, I know nothing about the internal consistency or test-retest reliability of this current test nor do I know about the item intercorrelations and factor structure.
In other words, the test may not work perfectly or as planned.
My Personality
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Neuroticism
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Extraversion
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Openness To Experience
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Agreeableness
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Conscientiousness
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September 7th, 2006
12:19 pm - Thought for the day (that is all)
Thought for the day:
The sun brings sunshine into your life every day. What you do with the sunshine is your choice.*
*I know, I know. You could be in the far north or south where you don't get much sunshine at certain times of the year. Or it could be cloudy. However, the sunlight still affects you. Besides, that isn't the point.
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10:41 am - Who knows how far, if at all...
Today is my first day of the semester. I'm frantically getting everything ready.
I was going to wake early for a run but then I didn't sleep enough. If I have time I'll run just before I shower before I leave for class. So much to do... *frets*
I can't believe all of the comments and threads in my last post. Seventy comments has to be some type of record for my journal. I'm highly amused. And yay for friends meeting friends and having fun.
Today, at school, the teacher was going around the class to ask each child for a good class rule. She wrote them down as they went along. Here's how it went...
Kid 1: No hitting.
Kid 2: And no punching.
Kid 3: No kicking.
T: Except balls. You can kick them outside.
Kid 4: No smacking.
T: stammers for a second or two then in a single breath says:
T: No petting bears, especially polar bears, because they are dangerous and it's not safe, unless you are with someone who studies bears and they shoot it with a dart and it goes to sleep, then you can pet the bear.
*Teacher laughs and writes "No petting polar bears"*
Kid 5: No spitting.
And so on.
I had to suppress my laughter because I was sitting right behind him. J and I shared a hearty laugh when I recounted the story later.
In the second round T said:
And be nice to each other.
Busy, busy day. Off I go.
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September 6th, 2006
03:09 pm - 3.3 @ 12 or something like that
Work engulfs me. I begin teaching tomorrow. With the new textbook that J and I have drafts of. That J has mostly written. I need to at least read the chapters that have my name on them. I suck and have to get to work on this book. J should hate me for this but she doesn't.
Still working on that eternally infernal chapter. Made progress, so that's good. It should have been done a long time ago, so that's very bad.
I need to finish setting up the courses.
But I want to write about The Mile. Responsibility says that it will have to wait.
I need to write some notes about R and T. They have both made another cognitive leap. Snippets:
J: Do you know the days of the week?
T: No, not yet. I know some of them. I'll learn the rest of them in meteorology school, right?
Me: You can make your bad dreams go away. Just think of something that will make the bad guys go away.
T: A police robot. With steel arms and a shield and grabbers that will put them in jail.
Me: That's a good idea.
T: I want to be a police robotic engineer when I grow up.
T: Zip, pow, boom. I'm a Power Ranger!
Me: Zip, pow, boom. Hey those are fun words. You know what those types of words are called?
T: No.
Me. Onomatopoeia. They are words that imitate the sound they are describing. Like thunder goes "boom!"
T: Oh. *runs off*
T: Mom, you know what bing, bang, crash, pow are?
J: No, what?
T: Onomatopoeia.
*He generalized immediately to new words*
*Watching Gilligan's Island after the boat begins to fall apart after putting glue on it*
T: Mom, dad, why is it doing that?
J: Because the glue they put on doesn't hold for more than a day or two.
T: I know but they didn't put the glue on everything. They just did part of it. The rest should hold together.
*I was singing ABCs to R with syncopation.*
T: Why are you singing like that?
Me: I'm using syncopation to make it sound jazzier. Do you like it?
T: Oh, yeah.
*runs off*
T: Mom, listen to my song.
*sings Twinkle, Twinkle with syncopation*
R hasn't added new words to his repertoire but he listens and processes everything. He notices anything new around him and he can execute more complex requests ("Can you please pick this up and put it in the trash?"). He's now a pretty good dancer and can find the base beat of most songs, including classical pieces. He's getting pretty stable on sand at the beach and loves playing in it. He also has an unbelievably strong will. I wonder if it is the 1 year old factor or if it will remain as he gets older.
Okay, back to reading & editing chapters.
The Mile will have to wait.
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September 5th, 2006
05:22 pm - 4.8 @ 11.5
I have tried to write about The Mile. It was an epic event in my life. Yet, all I did was run hard for 6 minutes. Nothing else in the world has changed. As a result, I find it challenging to find the words to capture properly the meaning and substance of the experience. It was like finishing my marathon. I have been walking around with a profound sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. I have a quiet confidence that I can do the impossible. But no one else knows or cares. I will try to formulate my thoughts and make a proper post later.
I'm treating this week as a recovery week but not because of my mile PR. I worked hard on Friday doing other things and I'm still fighting that cold.
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September 1st, 2006
12:53 pm - I did it, I did it, I DID IT!!!
I just ran 1 mile at a 5:56 pace (according to distance measured by both car odometer and Garmin Forerunner 305 and time measured by both G-Shock and Garmin Forerunner 305).
That's official enough for me.
I am joyous. I am elated. I have a profound sense of satisfaction.
I just accomplished something I couldn't do when I was in high school and undergraduate college, even though I was very physically fit back then. I ran a sub-6 minute mile and it was under challenging conditions. Uphill for for nearly half the distance. Wind at around 10 mph in my face for the entire uphill section and part of the flat section. I'm fighting a cold and have slight congestion. I slept 3 hours last night because T had a bad dream and R was crying in the middle of the night for some unknown reason (I stroked his back and he went back to sleep). And I have to say that the last quarter mile was the longest distance I have ever run and the last minute was the longest minute I have ever experienced. My heart rate monitor was screaming at me the last quarter mile. But...
I DID IT. I am 17 again.
(more details later when I have time to post)
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August 30th, 2006
05:03 pm - 7 miles in 3 parts
Thought for the day:
Goals allow me to transcend the mundane.
I have a goal to run a sub-6 minute mile. If I achieve this goal will I win a medal? No. Get public accolades? No. Change the world? No. Nobody will notice, no one will care. It’s not even an official race. So why even bother? Because I care. It is my goal.
Goals allow me to move beyond the self, to feel the striving and passion of pursuing something outside of my known comfort zone. They force me to evolve and adapt, to become something more than I am.
Having a goal is the difference between having a job and having a career. It is the difference between living like a zombie, simply putting one foot in front of the other, day after day, and being a person with a full life, complete with triumphs and failures, joys and sorrows. It is the difference between simply covering territory and having an experience. The goal can be about anything. One can have a goal to become an artist, chef, Olympian, writer, or a better runner.
I’ve wanted to run a sub-6 minute mile for a good part of my life. I tried when I was in high school. I was in football and karate, working out 3-4 hours every day. I could do 300 push ups in a row, 1000 sit-ups in a row, run a 13 second 100, and a 70 second 440. But I couldn’t run a 6-minute mile. Sure, I came close. The problem was ignorance. I thought I had to run as fast as I could to meet the goal. The pattern would unfold something like this: I would run 70 seconds in the first lap, 80 in the second, 100 in the third, and 120 in the fourth. In high school I remember finishing with a 6:10 or 6:15 mile. Later, when I was in college, I tried again. I was still in karate and at that point I was lifting weights regularly. I was in pretty good shape but I was a bit heavier. I remember running a 6:30 minute mile or something like that. Now I’m trying again to achieve my decades old goal, but this time it is even more challenging. I’m running it on a course with nearly half a mile of uphill at the beginning. Why this course? Because it is my goal.
I really want to do this. Is my goal any less important, any less pure, than an Olympian’s quest for a gold medal? I say it is not. My goal is at least as pure. I pursue it for the development, advancement, and satisfaction of myself, not anyone else.
I’m going to try with all my heart to break a 6-minute mile. The day after I set the goal I discovered I had an injured foot. I continued training by altering my workouts and allowed my foot to heal. For weeks I’ve been training while sleep deprived, often waking at 5:30 am to run after less than 5 hours sleep. R and T have been sick. I’m burdened by work and work stress keeps me up too. I have caught the cold that T, R, and J all have. Yet, last Tuesday I ran 6.4 miles including a 6:20 mile on a day that I felt tired and ill. Thursday I ran 6.4 miles including a 6:30 mile while doing quarter mile intervals. Intervals slow my pace considerably because of the recovery periods included in the pace. Friday I ran 5.3 miles at a mostly even pace but it included a 6:30 mile. Today I ran 7 miles, including 4 miles in heavy hills. The first two miles of the four miles in hills I ran easily and comfortably at a 6:45 pace. I’m not sure if I’m ready. The pattern for today was 2.9 @ 10.4, plus 2@6:45, plus 2.1@8.5 or 9.
Will I break the 6 minute mile on Friday? I’m facing many challenges right now but I’m going to give it a try anyway. I’ve beaten my previous performances from my youth by running a 6:07 mile. Eventually I believe I will achieve my goal. If not, then I’m still healthier and happier for my efforts. Whether I succeed or fail I have already become more than I was before.
Oh, I finally managed to put 700 miles on that pair of shoes I considered retiring. I wanted to make 700 miles. Now I can retire them.
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August 23rd, 2006
04:12 pm - Facing Fear (Part II)
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03:30 pm - Rest day
Life has been nearly overwhelming. After the last post:
- dinner w/ friends & their 2 kids
- trip to aquarium w/ other friends
- went to Sesame Place
- went to Crayola Factory
- cleaned & prepped house for visit
- visit from Aunt L and Aunt A
- during visit went to 6 Flags and Wild Safari
- during visit had an early b-day party for T
- during visit went to Atlantic City (I climbed a rock wall there at the amusement rides -- great fun but sore the next day)
- had friends over to celebrate wedding (great food, many bottles of wine)
- b-day party for T at preschool (he turned 4!)
- b-day party for T on weekend at Chuck E. Cheese
- 3 b-day parties for T's friends (everyone is turning 4)
- moved mulch
- dug up manhole cover of septic tank
- found week old green beans in back of Subaru - horrible smell - experiment gone terribly wrong -- cleaning up was fun
- chapter nearly done but then lost part of it due to saving error -- sadly have to reconstruct some of the work -- J has written 5 chapters in the time it has taken me to write one -- I suck
- worked
- kids are sick, waking up at night
- haven't slept more than 5 hours in a single night in over two weeks...3-4 hours last night
T wants to be a robotic engineer. He's becoming a good conversationalist on the phone.
R says "dis" all the time. He is very curious and has a strong will. He will not be denied.
There's much more but I can't remember it all.
Somewhere in there, I'm still running. I haven't lost as much weight as I had hoped but I'm holding steady on the negative side of the equation. I'm proud of a couple runs. A week and a half ago on a day when I had slept little and felt tired I managed to run a 6:15 mile and still had enough left to finish a 5K in less than 22:30. I didn't even think I was going to run that day. That gave me encouragement. On another day when I felt cramps b/c I was mildly sick I managed to run 8.1 miles including a sub-23 5K. Yesterday, I only managed a 6:30 mile. My times are going in the wrong direction! It's clear that I'll need everything to go just right, training, diet, weather, sleep, etc. to break the 6 minute barrier. It's a huge challenge, especially on my chosen route. The first .4 miles, being uphill, is a killer. I always feel blasted before the half mile mark. But I'm going to give it all I have (within currtent life constraints). We'll see. One and a half weeks left.
Classes about to start up.
On a positive note, research keeps finding that exercise and maintaining reasonable body weight prolongs life. You think?
I did some math.
If I exercised 4 hours a week for 35 years and it only gained me one year of life back then it would still be a good investment of my time. Why?
4*52*35=7280 hours invested
24*365*1=8760 returned
I will get a 20% return on every hour invested. In the meantime, I also feel happier and healthier. Plus I save money (lowered insurance rates, fewer medical bills, etc.).
The reality is probably even better. Assume I exercise 4 hours a week for 50 years (yes 50!). If that gained me a mere 4 additional years of longevity then for every hour invested I'd get more than 3 hours back. If only the stock market or bank accounts worked like that.
4*52*50=10,400 hours invested
24*365*4=35,040 returned
I think I'll keep exercising regardless of the math.
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August 3rd, 2006
01:46 pm - 4.5 miles in 102-105 heat index
Pancakes were deeelicious last night. We all love breakfast for dinner. We also have about 25 pancakes stashed away in the freezer for a quick breakfast on another day.
T didn't fall asleep until late last night (around 10) so J and I didn't finish dishes, laundry, etc. until after 11. Too much syrup with his pancakes? I don't know. T also woke around 1 am to pee. I was awake for about an hour afterward. Then R woke crying at around 3:30 am. I soothed him and I was awake for another 1 1/2 to 2 hours afterward. Needless to say, I chose not to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 am to run. This meant I was going to be running in the heat of the day again. Unfortunately, T woke at 6:20 so it wasn't like we got to sleep in either.
After breakfast, playing with the kids, cleaning up, and dropping them off at the preschool I took the dog out for a run. The heat index was already at 102 so I kept it really short. We did 1.6 miles at 12 min/mile.
My foot has been feeling okay so I decided to run another 5K. I didn't run full out because it was 104 heat index by the time I got out the door. I did the first mile in 6:40 without too much trouble. Given how I felt I think I could have pressed and turned a 6:15 or 6:20 if I was willing to risk it in the heat. I slowed down and finished the first 2 miles with a flat 7 min/mile pace. Hitting the hills I slowed way down to avoid any heat problems. I finished the 5K in 24:45 for about an 8 min/mile pace overall. Not too bad for running in hills in this heat. I definitely could have run faster. It just didn't feel safe to do so. I don't know if I'm ready or able to turn a 6 minute mile yet. It is especially challenging because the first .4 miles is uphill (not incredibly steep but enough to create serious cardiovascular load). Why this route? Because it's my goal.
We are hoping to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I think I'm going to bring some chopped fresh cayenne peppers with me to spice up the chicken and dumplings. Afterward we'll go to the grocery store because we are having guests for dinner tomorrow. It's going to be a relaxed casual dinner so we'll probably do salad, pesto chicken, some steamed veggies, a nice wine, and dessert.
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August 2nd, 2006
04:54 pm - Africa hot.
I just went out to check the mail.
I can't quit thinking about the quote from Biloxi Blues (1988) in which Eugene Morris Jerome (Matthew Broderick) complains about the heat:
"Man it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot."
My sister and I used to joke about Africa hot when the Santa Ana winds would hit So California. This is hotter than that.
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02:41 pm - 10K+ in 95-107 degree heat index
The dog needed to go out and I needed to bathe him so I ran with him. I hurried to get out the door but by the time we left the heat index was at 95 degrees. We went slowly, covering the 2.9 mile route at about 12 min/mile, inclusive of all stops. It was blazing hot so we had to stop repeatedly so that I could give the dog water and spray his head and back to keep him cool. After the run I slowly cooled him down with warm then lukewarm water for his bath. He seemed fine after the bath and he was inside. I just wanted to make sure I didn't overheat him.
I took a short break to cool down, drink some water, and water the garden. I decided to run another 3.3 miles to cover a 10K for the day and I wanted to do the first couple of miles at a decent pace because I wasn't running with the dog. However, the heat index was 105 degrees, which is dangerous heat, so I had to be careful. I drenched my clothes with cold water, drank a tall glass of really cold water, and brought a cold bottle of water with me. I started running at a decent pace but I knew better than to really push it. The heat was oppressive. I felt like I was running with a heavy, wet, hot, cotton quilt on my body and like I was breathing through a pillow filled with hot, damp cotton. Not the best of running conditions. I took it easy and throttled back and covered the first mile in 7:10. I eased up a little more and hit mile two with an overall 7:20 pace. Then came the hills. Hills in 105 degree heat = heat stroke. I didn't want heat stroke so I slowed way down. I added an extra leg so the entire route should have been about 3.5 miles but I logged it as 3.3 for a total of 6.2 miles (10K). I checked the weather right after I returned and saw a heat index of 107. After a cool shower and another glass of water I felt as good as new. Tired, but new. My foot feels okay too. I still need to keep the mileage down but it felt good to know that I could cruise on a very, very hot day and hit a 7:10 mile without trouble.
Last night just before bed T said he had to poop. He went into the bathroom and was quiet for a long time. J finally checked on him and started laughing. She called to me to come up and see what he had done. He was sitting on the toilet and he had taken his clean undies and put them over his head with one arm sticking through a leg hole. He looked ridiculous and he knew it. He had sat waiting for us to find him in his silly garb. Everyone started laughing so hard. I don't want to encourage clownish behavior but it was truly funny. And he had planned it all along.
R continues to verbalize more and more. His sounds are becoming more distinct and he sometimes seems to try to say complex words like "helicopter". He constantly asks for names of things by pointing and saying "dis?" R and T are learning to play with each other as R develops new skills.
Tonight we are having breakfast for dinner. I'm going to make a triple batch of my special fluffy pancakes (J taught me to make them) and we'll eat pancakes with fruit and sausage for dinner. Then we'll freeze the leftover pancakes (there will be a bunch of them) so that we can have them for a quick breakfast whenever we want.
I want to finish the chapter this week. I want it out of my life. Back to work.
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10:41 am - Tu: rest; W: ???
Didn't row or run. Ran out of time. I'll run and bathe the dog today.
I want to train to run my 6 minute mile but I'm still afraid of reinjuring my foot while it is healing. It feels much better but once in a while I feel the pain in my toes or ball of my foot that tells me it hasn't completely healed. I'm running a little because I simply don't have the time every day to take the dog out for half an hour AND row. So I have to either skip rowing or combine taking the dog out with my exercise (i.e., run with the dog). I'm not able to regularly do interval training and it makes me nervous about being able to achieve my goal. Less than a month left before I make my effort. I've lost at least 5 lbs. so that's a good thing. I'm sticking with it despite the obstacles. I want to do this so badly that I can taste it.
Tried a new recipe yesterday in the hopes that T and R would love chicken prepared with this recipe. The genesis of the idea occurred as I was running the other day. I was reflecting that chicken satay with peanut sauce is very tasty. I thought about it and concluded that I might be able to create a recipe using peanut butter that would have a similar effect. On an offchance that someone else had a similar idea I looked online and found a couple of recipes involving chicken and peanut butter. I modified a couple of them to create the following dish:
Chicken with Peanut Butter Crust
1 egg, lightly beaten
1/3 c. chunk style peanut butter
1/2 t salt
1/8 t pepper
1/4 c. milk
1/8 c. flour
4 chicken breasts (we used boneless, skinless)
1 c. plain dry bread crumbs
1/8 c. canola or corn oil or equivalent
Mix egg, peanut butter, salt, pepper. Add milk slowly while blending. Dry chicken and roll in flour to completely dry surface. Dip chicken in peanut butter mixture. Roll and thoroughly coat in bread crumbs. Place on baking sheet or baking pan and lightly sprinkle oil over chicken. Place in 375 degree oven for 35 minutes or until chicken is done (depending on thickness and whether or not boneless).
It was a decent dish, crunchy on the outside with the flavor of peanuts and chicken blending nicely. The crust tended to fall off so I might have to modify how I apply or create the peanut butter mixture. T liked it okay but R loved it. J and I liked it but it was improved 10 fold by sprinkling with cayenne pepper flakes and dipping in some spicy sauce (we were using Tiger Sauce). With the additional spices it was delicious. Otherwise, mediocre.
Dinner was pretty good overall. Chicken prepped as above. Tomato, basil, mozzarella with lemon thyme and ex. virgin olive oil. Hard crust bread with creamy interior. Asparagus. Carrots with dill.
Here’s another poem I wrote some time ago:
The Hunger
The restless hunger returns
Gnawing at my soul.
Just when I feel comfortable,
Or full, it returns.
A feeling like a weakness,
Is overcoming my soul,
Unless I can nourish it.
Feeding on itself,
It is a hollow satisfaction.
The real joy would be found,
In a moment's embrace with you.
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August 1st, 2006
03:55 pm - Su: 2.9@11, M: 2.9@12, Tu: ?
I had fun playing with R on Saturday but I dearly missed spending time with T at the birthday party. It was strange to be in a quiet house, alone with R. I remember many such moments with T but such times are rare with R because someone else is always around. R is lucky in other ways though. T is a wonderful big brother and they regularly entertain and play with each other. I chased R around the room, tickled him, lifted him in the air with my legs, played "roll the ball", watched a short video, fed him, hid under the blanket, and generally had a good time with him. It was a good bonding experience.
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July 29th, 2006
02:56 pm - W: 3.3 @ 12, Th: rest, F: 3.3 @ 12.5, Sa: 2.9 @ 10.3
Starting running a little again. Foot still feels good but I'm taking it easy. Really easy.
W took the day off to chaperone a trip with T & the preschool to Bridgewater Sports Arena. That's why I ended up running the dog. Woke @ 5:30 am so he'd be exercised by the time we left. The trip was wonderful fun but it was exhausting to try to keep track of all the kids. T was worn out for 2 days afterwards.
Made more progress on the chapter. Yay. Still going too slowly.
W night I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. Tried to work but failed. Played poker instead. The software malfunctioned and for one entire game I couldn't see my cards at all. I had to play blind. I learned something from the experience. I could read the other cards by looking at the flop and reading their bets. I had two plays. Fold or go "All In". I was one of the last 3 hands and nearly tied with the top for chip stack. One of the hands was a computer with only $30. I was going to come in first or second place without ever seeing my cards during play. Then the software disconnected me. Frustrating but a very good lesson. Often you can get more information from what is going on around you than you can get from your own hand. My rating is back up.
Th I just ran errands in the morning and worked. Had a productive day but didn't work much on the chapter b/c I had a bunch of phone calls to make, e-mails to answer, and a review to finish. I was going to row in the afternoon but ran out of time. Had dinner with our neighbors. T adores Fred, the 6 year old who lives next door. Very cute. He wanted to do everything that Fred did. We were there very late, kids were overtired, bathtime was a nightmare. Oh well, it happens.
F I ran 3.3 early, just like W, because we were going to chaperone a trip with T and the preschool to a playground. It was cancelled due to thunderstorms. Spent some time with T and R and then took them to the school. Worked afterwards.
Sa ran 2.9 at a slightly quicker pace. Bathed the dog. We were all going to a birthday party but then R crashed during lunch. I ended up staying home with R, getting some work done.
I gained back a couple of the 5-7 lbs I had lost. Too much eating desserts, drinking beer, and what not. I'll get back on track. I really, really want to run a 6 minute mile.
T has been doing this thing where he rejects me and only asks for his mom. He's been doing it daily and he did it the night I came to comfort him during the thunderstorms. He started whining for me to go away and get mommy. He's done this before but it's never been this extreme. It sometimes hurts my feelings but I know he genuinely loves me. I know it's a phase but...well...I just love him so.
R just woke so this will be a short post.
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July 25th, 2006
05:06 pm - 1.6 miles walking, 45 min rowing
I did it. I rowed 45 minutes. I skipped the HIIT patterns because I just didn't feel like it today.
I'm 7 lbs lighter than I was nearly 3 weeks ago. Go me.
I forgot to mention that R has been pointing at everything and saying "dis" for "this". He wants to know what everything is called. Sometimes he'll point to several different parts of something to see if the answer might change (e.g., clouds, sky, sun, trees). T used to do the same thing.
Tonight, going out for dinner. Pizza perhaps.
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03:07 pm - I'm being productive
Yay, I'm making writing progress on multiple fronts. Productive day today.
We had more shrimp over quinoa yesterday. T loved it. He's asking a lot of questions about what he's eating. "Were shrimp alive?" "Where are the eyes?" "They don't like being eaten, right?" It's almost enough to make me eat vegetarian again. Still, the dish tasted great.
T is asking a lot of questions in general about being dead, killing food, etc. He's processing a lot. I hope our explanations are doing justice to his questions. I still grapple with some of the issues today.
R made a joke yesterday. He can't even talk but he's being funny. At dinner he turned his sippy cup upside down and pretended to drink from it. I turned it around so he could drink properly. He promptly turned it back over and made loud slurping noises, as though he were drinking from the bottom of the cup. Then he looked at me with a big grin and laughed. J and I were sure it was a joke.
My poker rating is going down. I was disconnnected several times from MSN while playing yet it still docked me the $100 entry (not real money - just imaginary). One of the times I was disconnected I was one of the two remaining hands so I was sure to win some prize money (also imaginary). So frustrating. Plus, I've made some strategic errors (missing the flush possibility in the community hand) and I have had some bad beats (like losing on an "all in" with a Q high full house to an A high full house on the river). These issues have driven my rating down. Oh well. Still fun. Not that I have much time for it. I squeeze a hand in once in a while, like today. I lost with 3 5s on an "all in" with a two-handed bet. The other person won with a 10 high straight on the river. How do the champions consistently win? I guess that's why they are pros.
I'm tired today. R woke me up 4 times last night. Bad dreams, I think.
I'm going to row. I don't want to but I will do it. Now.
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