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first, #1 will have induced labor friday morning. i'll have angel(6yo) and vanessa(2yo) all weekend. can't wait!

second, i am making our roadtrip plans. yes, colorado mountains 3rd weekend of august. 2 teens, camping gear, and a mustang...

should be a real trip. heh.

went and visited the g'rents yesterday. didn't discuss the will crap.

grandma seems bent on trying to absolve my sister of any responsibility for the male parental unit's scheduled visit. but you know, he wouldn't come if he was told not to come.

then i was informed that i had told him off. i didn't.

so, there is manipulation going on in a big way in this whole fucked up situation. but at least i'm out of it.

and i bought a small statue of pan for the front yard. you know, freak out the pentacostal MPU if he should decide to force himself into my life while he is down here. and i have plans to buy a statue of baphomet too. just to sit by the front door. you know, being evil and all of that.

::sigh::

i won't be in this state while he is in this state. not if i can help it.

why is he forcing himself into our lives after all this time? i'm just being traumatised again. wasn't the first 14 years of my miserable existence enough???

#2 just texted me. a not very nice text message but inviting me to her son's birthday party the same weekend the male parental unit will be in that town. she knows this.

i've already been making plans for that weekend. out of state plans.

so i told her as much. i am not going to bother reading her replies because i know that she is angry at me. and i do not need anymore stress.

i already feel like there is a weight pressing down on my chest. let's not send mom into cardiac arrest tonight.

the only thing i want to say to her...

"for fucks sake, either let me see the boy, or leave me the fuck alone you mentally fucked up bitch!" yeah, that and "get on some medication already!"

i'm feeling so fucking maternal tonight...

nope, not at the rope's end yet. there is just enough rope to make a noose...

for whatever reason, plumbing engineer boy is back into taking me out to lunches and asking me to accompany him on smoke breaks again.

am i an addictive substance???

::sigh::


there is a drum jam at my usual hangout tomorrow night. so that means while i may not wear my party clothes to work, i will bring them with me and have my hair done up nicer.

grandma called last night, just to say hello and tell me that they love me.

that is one of those things i just don't hear very much of from them. never have. and i know it is only in response to my sister's actions that the call was made. you know, they want to make sure i'm not upset at them. gods forbid i get upset at them for stuff...

but anyways, i am seriously thinking about saying something that undoubtedly WILL upset them. a lot.

i'm thinking of telling them to change their will and give everything to my sister. that way i will never have to pretend to be nice to her. i will never have to speak to her again. there will be no need to be amicable about the fair division of all their stuff if i'm not in the will.

i totally disown her.

and you know? someday, my dealings with her, few as they are, will have to be about ME, not THEM. for fucking once. i have everything i could have ever wanted as keepsakes from them: grandpa's paintings, grandma's eastern star ring and other jewelry.

now, all i want is an el camino, maybe another motorcycle, and to never HAVE to speak to that two faced, lying piece of shit again for the rest of my life.

and i have to speak up. i'm putting this here for future reference.

"what i want to know is why group A thinks it has the right to TELL group B whether or not they should be offended at what group A says.

fuck that noise.

group A acts like the fucking world revolves around them. it's way past time for group A to grow the fuck up, stop whining like a bunch of 3 year olds being told by their mommy to act respectable in public, and realize their words aren't the precious jewels of wisdom they want to think."

of course, in the interest of being concise, i only posted the first sentence. because as we all know, if the hammer is properly aimed and propelled, it will only take one blow to make a lasting impression.

i've wanted an el camino since i was a teenager. but for years and years i'd forgotten.

on myspace there is now a game to play called mobsters. you become a mobster and do robberies and muggings to make money. but if you want to start making some bigger money you need an el camino so you can collect protection money...

so, i'm typing up this journal entry on notepad. and looking at the desktop wallpaper i have of robert downey jr as ironman. i know, it's not really him the actor i like so much. he's just eye candy. but i love the character of tony stark. stark is german for strong, btw...

anyways.

the news about my male parental unit's impending arrival doesn't have me in a panic. not at all. i've grown rather still. in a "deer in the headlights" kind of way. but i do have moments.

not moments of hysteria. just... moments. like last night when i was thinking as to what i would probably need to say to my best local friends who have no clue why this is such a big deal.

so, i did as i always do: i practiced saying what will probably need to be said. i couldn't even think the words without crying. and i don't even see that little girl as me. that is someone else. just some strange little girl who doesn't understand what is going on. and i cry for her like i do for any child caught in that kind of life.

wtf. my heart skips beats right now even just typing this up. or maybe it's the dr pepper...

ok. in my autobiography here i don't even go into detail as to when some of That happened. can't do it still.

it wasn't even me. just some strange little girl.

and you don't really want to know, and i don't really want to remember.

i had a photographic memory back then. but when i was in my 20s, having nightmares and pictures flying through my mind randomly, i trained myself to stop the unbidden memories. to stop the retraumatizing of it all. so they don't sweep over me unawares at all anymore. well, until recently. but surprisingly not as much as one would expect. or at least as much as i would have expected. or maybe i didn't expect anything. i certainly never expected a call after 24 years of complete silence. 26 years since i saw him last.

funny that, too. he said he'd been searching for me. for us.

bullshit. the info he had dated from the one time my mom came to visit me and the kids in florida. she called him, he said as much. maybe to rub it in his face. we'll never really know why. i just know that through the years she did occassionally call him. and so he always knew where we were. he even called us right before i started my senior year in high school in corpus christi. seems i'd called his mom, using a friend's credit card. which happened to be stolen...

so. the question remains, as i stand here, still, in the oncoming headlights, what am i going to do come august 15th...

heathen crone, i may take you up on that roadtrip destination. the youngest has been wanting to go camping in teh mountains. and well, i miss them too.

maybe i can get the g'rents to spring for an el camino for me. for camping, you know...

i haven't been reading my friend's page for a while.

i will catch up this weekend, though.

i didn't mean to ignore or neglect you all. it's just stuff has been happening and i've been trying to stay on top of everything. and not doing a good job at it.

no.
public transportation doesn't work for me. last night when i was driving away from walmart i almost ran over a fucking curb in the parking lot. we aren't talking curb-check here either.

gotta be sleep-deprivation. so i'm driving.

i did very little all weekend. i didn't even go grocery shopping. and taking #8 to a talent search sunday morning. she wanted to do it, so we went early and being #31 we were out of there before the hundreds of latecomers showed up.

she had fun.

and i slept a lot. and was actually sick on sunday night. didn't think i'd be able to get up this morning, but i did.

it's 14 hours from the time i am out the door, to the time i am back in. and i can't think of a way to manage this better.

work was ok today. but i just don't have enough energy to give it what it deserves, what with spending so much time on things like commuting.

i'm old. and i can't do this anymore. but i'm stuck thanks to this fucked up economy. and i have friends who need more from me when i can't even drag myself out to go and have fun anymore. this is fucked up every which way.

and just yesterday was thursday. i shit you not. and now i have to go and do some grocery shopping. tomorrow i will be walking 3 miles home because #8 has taekwondo and cannot walk that 3 miles alone, due to the bad neighborhoods.

i really am trying to make this work.

i want an el camino!


that is all.

ok. back to the miserable excuse for male parental unit calling me out of the blue two weeks ago.

i just found out from my oldest daughter, while on my bus-train-bus commute home yesterday, that my stupid little sister has invited the parental unit out here to visit. august 15th.

stress is back in spades. but i have a brain, and a month. and i'm making plans.

cow-orker: Anybody have fireworks left over that they would like to get rid of?

me: depends. who are you going to blow up???

unexpectedly a light rain falls
like kisses on my skin
or rose petals and fall leaves
or maybe a lover's tears
all falling from the sky
a sky opened so wide i can see beyond forever

what is this?

1. the feel of rain on my skin
2. the laughter of friends
3. a smile i get to see now and then
4. pizza!
5. the smell of gardenias
6. a mischievous look on someone's face
7. the feeling of peace found in bear hugs
8. the taste of chai tea
9. the wind on my face
10. the smell of grease

http://www.darthsanddroids.net/episodes/0099.html

in the commentary, bwahahahah! brilliant!

i dunno.

i feel different, lately.

it's like a warm rain gently falling on me at times. at other times it is like being dipped in the ocean, complete with waves crashing down. but all good.

i have peace. still alone. forever alone. but at peace.

i can live with this. this is doable.

public transportation here sucks.

a 10 minute delay with the train due to an automobile accident on the tracks, meant an hour and a half delay because i missed the last regular bus south to my house.

walked in the door at 9pm. i'd have walked home, but walking through the unlighted jennings street tunnel to get under i30 isn't high on my list of things i want to do again... not to mention it would have taken me longer than the wait to walk the remaining 6 miles home.

this is fucking killing me.